Getting Myself to Approach in Public Settings

[Jim88]

Hi. I've posted on here awhile back about trying to get over approach anxiety. I've done some introspection and I think my problems with approaching boil down to a few things. One of them is the fact that approaching women in public during the daytime is generally not considered to be "normal" behavior. I think if I lived in a cultural environment where it was normal for men to approach random women in public places in the daytime, it would be much easier. But this behavior is not culturally normal, in fact, guys that do this type of thing are often looked down upon and called creepy or threatening, and I have even heard of news stories where women notify police about men who approach them in public, and often these guys didn't even do anything creepy, they just complimented them or something (of course the police don't actually do anything, but it would still suck to be described in one of these reports lol). Still, I want to start approaching during the daytime, and I think the only way I can do it is by somehow tricking my brain into "normalizing" it. I think doing it with a buddy would help, but I don't really have any male friends that are into this (I have talked about it with some, and they typically only approach in bar settings).

A couple weeks ago I did what was the closest thing to a proper approach I've done--I started hitting on a girl at a party at a friends house that I had only met once before, and talking pretty loudly telling her how attractive I thought she was. The problem is I was very drunk (ended up puking that night) and was doing it in a very aggressive and non-creative way and she did give me her snapchat but I"m pretty sure she deleted/blocked me. I also have a suspicion that this girl (who lives there with the friend I was visiting) does not want me to visit anymore which bums me out.

So I guess I'm just looking for encouragment/advice. How do you guys get over the fear of being labeled as a creepy weirdo and "normalize" doing something that so few guys actually do?

 

[TheNewStyle123]

Hi. I've posted on here awhile back about trying to get over approach anxiety. I've done some introspection and I think my problems with approaching boil down to a few things. One of them is the fact that approaching women in public during the daytime is generally not considered to be "normal" behavior. I think if I lived in a cultural environment where it was normal for men to approach random women in public places in the daytime, it would be much easier. But this behavior is not culturally normal, in fact, guys that do this type of thing are often looked down upon and called creepy or threatening, and I have even heard of news stories where women notify police about men who approach them in public, and often these guys didn't even do anything creepy, they just complimented them or something (of course the police don't actually do anything, but it would still suck to be described in one of these reports lol). Still, I want to start approaching during the daytime, and I think the only way I can do it is by somehow tricking my brain into "normalizing" it. I think doing it with a buddy would help, but I don't really have any male friends that are into this (I have talked about it with some, and they typically only approach in bar settings).

A couple weeks ago I did what was the closest thing to a proper approach I've done--I started hitting on a girl at a party at a friends house that I had only met once before, and talking pretty loudly telling her how attractive I thought she was. The problem is I was very drunk (ended up puking that night) and was doing it in a very aggressive and non-creative way and she did give me her snapchat but I"m pretty sure she deleted/blocked me. I also have a suspicion that this girl (who lives there with the friend I was visiting) does not want me to visit anymore which bums me out.

So I guess I'm just looking for encouragment/advice. How do you guys get over the fear of being labeled as a creepy weirdo and "normalize" doing something that so few guys actually do?

You say it's not culturally normal where you're from. Where do you live? You say there are stories of guys going up to women and not doing anything creepy, but rather just complementing them. But, I guess it depends on the compliment. Some can be seen as really aggressive or obvious if the tone/delivery aren't correct.

You mentioned you went up to this girl at a party and told her how attractive you thought she was (loudly too, but you were drunk haha). Imagine how many guys probably went up to her that night and told her how good looking she was. Try something unique and unexpected that no average guy would say next time. That would really surprise her and make her wonder "but why is he not complementing my looks? Does he not find ME attractive?"

 

[Jim88]

You say it's not culturally normal where you're from. Where do you live? You say there are stories of guys going up to women and not doing anything creepy, but rather just complementing them. But, I guess it depends on the compliment. Some can be seen as really aggressive or obvious if the tone/delivery aren't correct.

You mentioned you went up to this girl at a party and told her how attractive you thought she was (loudly too, but you were drunk haha). Imagine how many guys probably went up to her that night and told her how good looking she was. Try something unique and unexpected that no average guy would say next time. That would really surprise her and make her wonder "but why is he not complementing my looks? Does he not find ME attractive?"

I live in the Midwestern US. As far as the stories go, I have heard about women calling the cops on guys simply asking for where to buy cigarettes and then saying they have nice hair, or something to that effect. I think it's less about the tone/delivery and more about the appearnace of the guy giving the compliment. The less attractive the guy is, the more likely a girl is to call the cops on him just for talking to her.

As far as the party goes, yeah I know, I was not very creative at the time (too drunk).

 

[TheNewStyle123]

I live in the Midwestern US. As far as the stories go, I have heard about women calling the cops on guys simply asking for where to buy cigarettes and then saying they have nice hair, or something to that effect. I think it's less about the tone/delivery and more about the appearnace of the guy giving the compliment. The less attractive the guy is, the more likely a girl is to call the cops on him just for talking to her.

As far as the party goes, yeah I know, I was not very creative at the time (too drunk).

Hey man, that's ok! It's all a learning experience. There will be more parties, and plenty of more women to practice on.

 

[Romanemp22]

I don't look it liked that, I don't think it's something "creepy". The ones who say it's creepy are the ones who lacks confidence to actually approach.

Practice is the only way to fully overcome your fear. Now when I see a hot girl I'm interested in I don't think, I literally just empty my head in that moment and just go for it.

Not bragging or anything but I was rejected only three times in my life when doing cold approaching. Hell I was more rejected online than in person and I approach fair amount of women.

The point of this as I said is not to brag but to just go for it because it's better to be rejected rather not approaching at all.

When you face rejection you build up your confidence because you tried it but when you don't you feel like sh1t because you puzzied out.

I respect every guy that wants to be better when approaching because I was also having an issue with that and managed to overcome it and I'm still working to be even better at it.

Go for it brother!

 

[TheNewStyle123]

I don't look it liked that, I don't think it's something "creepy". The ones who say it's creepy are the ones who lacks confidence to actually approach.

Practice is the only way to fully overcome your fear. Now when I see a hot girl I'm interested in I don't think, I literally just empty my head in that moment and just go for it.

Not bragging or anything but I was rejected only three times in my life when doing cold approaching. Hell I was more rejected online than in person and I approach fair amount of women.

The point of this as I said is not to brag but to just go for it because it's better to be rejected rather not approaching at all.

When you face rejection you build up your confidence because you tried it but when you don't you feel like sh1t because you puzzied out.

I respect every guy that wants to be better when approaching because I was also having an issue with that and managed to overcome it and I'm still working to be even better at it.

Go for it brother!

Well said man. I have been starting to cold approach now too (for the first time in 7 years since separating from my wife) and although I only have 3 under my belt thus far, each one gets a little easier. I actually enjoy that rush now because it puts me out of my comfort zone and forces me to practice.

 

[Romanemp22]

Well said man. I have been starting to cold approach now too (for the first time in 7 years since separating from my wife) and although I only have 3 under my belt thus far, each one gets a little easier. I actually enjoy that rush now because it puts me out of my comfort zone and forces me to practice.

Exactly man, keep it going.

 

[Jim88]

I don't look it liked that, I don't think it's something "creepy". The ones who say it's creepy are the ones who lacks confidence to actually approach.

Practice is the only way to fully overcome your fear. Now when I see a hot girl I'm interested in I don't think, I literally just empty my head in that moment and just go for it.

Not bragging or anything but I was rejected only three times in my life when doing cold approaching. Hell I was more rejected online than in person and I approach fair amount of women.

The point of this as I said is not to brag but to just go for it because it's better to be rejected rather not approaching at all.

When you face rejection you build up your confidence because you tried it but when you don't you feel like sh1t because you puzzied out.

I respect every guy that wants to be better when approaching because I was also having an issue with that and managed to overcome it and I'm still working to be even better at it.

Go for it brother!

I agree and appreciate your advice, however, I'm not sure everything you say is correct. It can def be creepy. I have heard girls complain about men giving them compliments before. I have seen women I don't know act very startled the times I have said hi to them in public. It doesn't always happen but it definitely can.

Also, I'm not a cold approacher yet, so I can't really speak from experience, but it sounds like BS that you've only been rejected "three times" from cold approaching women. How many women have you actually cold approached and what do you count as a rejection and not a rejection?

 

[Romanemp22]

I agree and appreciate your advice, however, I'm not sure everything you say is correct. It can def be creepy. I have heard girls complain about men giving them compliments before. I have seen women I don't know act very startled the times I have said hi to them in public. It doesn't always happen but it definitely can.

Also, I'm not a cold approacher yet, so I can't really speak from experience, but it sounds like BS that you've only been rejected "three times" from cold approaching women. How many women have you actually cold approached and what do you count as a rejection and not a rejection?

I swear I'm not bullsh1ting and I would say I approach weekly once to three times if I see a woman I really like. I was referring to actual approach aka introduction of myself, small talk and then asking for a number,I wasn't saying what happens after you text her or rejection after a date.

Ofcourse it doesn't mean every girl that gave me her number will go out with me, some will ghost, some I will ghost, some will be nutjobs, with some it will go to sex and maybe ltr and some would be done by first date and etc.

 

[Jim88]

I swear I'm not bullsh1ting and I would say I approach weekly once to three times if I see a woman I really like. I was referring to actual approach aka introduction of myself, small talk and then asking for a number,I wasn't saying what happens after you text her or rejection after a date.

Ofcourse it doesn't mean every girl that gave me her number will go out with me, some will ghost, some I will ghost, some will be nutjobs, with some it will go to sex and maybe ltr and some would be done by first date and etc.

That's impressive. Are these like approaches on the street, in the grocery store or what?

 

[Dash Riprock]

Cold approach still works, even in 2021. A lot of women find it ballsy in a confident way and chivalrous, both which taps into the "romantic" genes in their DNA.

Keep in mind: you have 3 seconds to make a first impression and about 30 seconds before it dries like super glue. So the key is not to approach or not, but how to approach and what to say.

If you're any good with wit or words, light humor will pay HUGE dividends for you. Women like fun (not clowns) guys who can get them smiling and laughing. When I cold approach, I use humor and have a huge success rate. But, like hitting a 99 mph fastball, it takes practice and you'll swing and miss a lot at first.

I do cold approaches at the gym, supermarket, and Starbucks--all pre-Covid of course, but I'll pick up again in a few months when the worst is over. I usually make a sarcastic observation about the setting, a person, or the girl's routine at the gym. No one does this anymore so you get points for shock value--but only if you're good.

For example, this hot girl pre-Covid last year at the gym is beating the s*it out of the heavy bag. She's good and has had training. I causally walk up to her, motion for her to take her ear bud out, and say, "You must have watched Rocky 4 last night like I did. Think you could take me?" She laughs and we talk. I tell her I'll be her fight manager but I get 80%. She's enjoying the banter, and on it goes. We started up a mini-friendship as we would chat at the gym then Covid hit.

Hot girl is behind me in the checkout line at Whole Foods. She's putting her items on the belt. She has chocolate covered espresso beans. I look and chuckle. I ask, "So how many could you eat at once before you self-induced a panic attack?" She laughs and says, "I already have done that, bla, bla, bla." We chat our way out the door.

Practice the art of subtle observational, quasi-co*cky humor. Be cool about it, not a clown or a spaz, and you're gold.

Good luck.

 

[2Rocky]

I've worked with enough midwestern women to really appreciate the "Midwestern Nice" they bring forth. A warm approach is necessary with them.

 

[Romanemp22]

That's impressive. Are these like approaches on the street, in the grocery store or what?

Mostly street work and mall. I rarely approach in bar strangely.

Parks and street is the best in my opinion. Feel free to update me how you're doing. With every approach it will be easier.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

Hi. I've posted on here awhile back about trying to get over approach anxiety. I've done some introspection and I think my problems with approaching boil down to a few things. One of them is the fact that approaching women in public during the daytime is generally not considered to be "normal" behavior. I think if I lived in a cultural environment where it was normal for men to approach random women in public places in the daytime, it would be much easier. But this behavior is not culturally normal, in fact, guys that do this type of thing are often looked down upon and called creepy or threatening, and I have even heard of news stories where women notify police about men who approach them in public, and often these guys didn't even do anything creepy, they just complimented them or something (of course the police don't actually do anything, but it would still suck to be described in one of these reports lol). Still, I want to start approaching during the daytime, and I think the only way I can do it is by somehow tricking my brain into "normalizing" it. I think doing it with a buddy would help, but I don't really have any male friends that are into this (I have talked about it with some, and they typically only approach in bar settings).

A couple weeks ago I did what was the closest thing to a proper approach I've done--I started hitting on a girl at a party at a friends house that I had only met once before, and talking pretty loudly telling her how attractive I thought she was. The problem is I was very drunk (ended up puking that night) and was doing it in a very aggressive and non-creative way and she did give me her snapchat but I"m pretty sure she deleted/blocked me. I also have a suspicion that this girl (who lives there with the friend I was visiting) does not want me to visit anymore which bums me out.

So I guess I'm just looking for encouragment/advice. How do you guys get over the fear of being labeled as a creepy weirdo and "normalize" doing something that so few guys actually do?

Hi young man,

The answer you are looking for is simple: practice by repetition.

The first (if not several) few times you will be awful. Expect and embrace that. If it helps, start simple. Talk to 'low-hanging' fruit. Not to actually date them (as bad as that it might sound) but to:

1) Perfect your cold approach
2) Boost your confidence

Eventually, with enough repetition, you WILL see improvement. That, our friend, is a guarantee we can make. No one that has practiced skill for a long enough time has not improved, or even mastered it.

As far as the actual approach, here are a few things (among many, many, many others):

1) Always make eye contact, not doing so shows low/zero confidence and is seen as a sign of distrust. Now, don't just stare into her eyes indefinitely, that is creepy. Break eye contact from time to time but make it natural by may be observing a car or someone passing. OR even better look at her shoes, that is actually a psychology trick.
2) Be genuine about your approach. Meaning, be genuine about really finding out who this person is instead of having a "hidden" agenda. And this brings us to...
3) Actively listening. Most men do not how to deepen or carry on a conversation simply because they do not actively listen. While the woman talks, they are thinking about what to say next. Instead, really listen and try to comprehend what the girl is saying and carry that momentum.
4) Give genuine compliments. No one on this earth dislikes compliments. Humans, especially women, love compliments (being validated). However, make them genuine and scarce. Do not shower a girl with compliments. That shows neediness and makes her seem better than you. So why would she bother.
5) Make it short and sweet. Women that are approached on the street, really don't want to be bothered for the most part. And that is because in their experience most guys make the mistakes mentioned above so they have evolved to right away dismiss any guys approaching as creepy and uncalled for. But if you follow some of these tips AND make it brief allowing her to quickly move on with her errand she will appreciate it and reconsider your approach. You initiate the conversation with an observation or compliment or even better playfully teasing her (if you have the confidence and attitude for it) and you end the conversation.

The last thing we would recommend is reading and actually researching this topic. We are big fans of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. But there are hundreds of great books, videos, coaches that can help you get over cold-approach anxiety.

Again, practice by repetition is KEY.

Hope this helps and let us know if we can further help you.


Cheers,
Modern Man Advice

 

[Dash Riprock]

I've worked with enough midwestern women to really appreciate the "Midwestern Nice" they bring forth. A warm approach is necessary with them.

Totally agree.

The best all-around women (looks + attitude + values) come from the Midwest and especially MN, WI, IA, NE, KS.

 

[BadBoy89]

A couple weeks ago I did what was the closest thing to a proper approach I've done--I started hitting on a girl at a party at a friends house that I had only met once before, and talking pretty loudly telling her how attractive I thought she was. The problem is I was very drunk (ended up puking that night) and was doing it in a very aggressive and non-creative way and she did give me her snapchat but I"m pretty sure she deleted/blocked me. I also have a suspicion that this girl (who lives there with the friend I was visiting) does not want me to visit anymore which bums me out.

So I guess I'm just looking for encouragment/advice. How do you guys get over the fear of being labeled as a creepy weirdo and "normalize" doing something that so few guys actually do?

First of all bro, don’t tell a hot girl “hey you are pretty hot.” She obviously knows. Talk about her interests, thoughts, feelings, hobbies. Show some affection.

Second, don’t get so drunk at a party you throw up. That’s not sexy. Have one beer. If you want to get drunk, do it Sunday watching football, not when there are hot 18-25 year olds around.

As always is said: dress decent, look decent, workout, get a haircut, don’t eat junk, work hard, save your money, don’t get emotionally involved and use a moisturizer.

I think a lot of men want a magic pill because there is so much instant gratification with sex these days. They see on movies where the normal average guy doesn’t have to put any effort getting the hottest woman, and they want the same thing.

Be real men, and be strong.

On another note: how can you be a party in these times? COVID-19 won’t allow you go on dates with girls, and you are at a party with tons of girls without masks? Hmmm...

 

[TheNewStyle123]

Cold approach still works, even in 2021. A lot of women find it ballsy in a confident way and chivalrous, both which taps into the "romantic" genes in their DNA.

Keep in mind: you have 3 seconds to make a first impression and about 30 seconds before it dries like super glue. So the key is not to approach or not, but how to approach and what to say.

If you're any good with wit or words, light humor will pay HUGE dividends for you. Women like fun (not clowns) guys who can get them smiling and laughing. When I cold approach, I use humor and have a huge success rate. But, like hitting a 99 mph fastball, it takes practice and you'll swing and miss a lot at first.

I do cold approaches at the gym, supermarket, and Starbucks--all pre-Covid of course, but I'll pick up again in a few months when the worst is over. I usually make a sarcastic observation about the setting, a person, or the girl's routine at the gym. No one does this anymore so you get points for shock value--but only if you're good.

For example, this hot girl pre-Covid last year at the gym is beating the s*it out of the heavy bag. She's good and has had training. I causally walk up to her, motion for her to take her ear bud out, and say, "You must have watched Rocky 4 last night like I did. Think you could take me?" She laughs and we talk. I tell her I'll be her fight manager but I get 80%. She's enjoying the banter, and on it goes. We started up a mini-friendship as we would chat at the gym then Covid hit.

Hot girl is behind me in the checkout line at Whole Foods. She's putting her items on the belt. She has chocolate covered espresso beans. I look and chuckle. I ask, "So how many could you eat at once before you self-induced a panic attack?" She laughs and says, "I already have done that, bla, bla, bla." We chat our way out the door.

Practice the art of subtle observational, quasi-co*cky humor. Be cool about it, not a clown or a spaz, and you're gold.

Good luck.

THIS is gold. THIS is what more guys need to do. You're not being aggressive or disingenuous - you're literally making light observational humor about the situation. Bravo man, this is great advice and more guys need to be doing this.