Getting back with an ex

[cffrmw]

First off, I KNOW. I shouldn't do this, I should forget about her and move on. And honestly, I had. We broke up two months ago. For the last two months I've been going on two or three dates a week with different girls, broke off all contact with her and had finally gotten her out of my head, and then about a week ago she texts me out of the blue, just "hey what's up?"

So we start texting a bit, then I ran into her the other day and we talked. It was a little awkward but just in the "we used to be intimate and now we're talking for the first time just as friends" way. She says we should do something some time, and I tell her I'd love to but I'm going out of town for the summer for work, and then we just kind of talked about our summer plans (she's staying here to take classes over the summer). I'll be back in August and... well if we got back together that would be awesome. Call me AFC, I don't care. She's by far the coolest girl I know, and she's freaking gorgeous too.

So, my question is basically this - I'm going to be away for three months. What do I do during that time so that when I come back we give it another shot? Right now I'm thinking no contact, and just call her up when I get back. But, I have NO experience with getting BACK together with someone. In fact, this is the first time since I started reading this forum that it hasn't been me who chose to break it off So, ANY advice, tips, or attempts to talk me out of it are appreciated. Preferably tips and advice though.

 

[SandHawk]

Do you honestly believe this is a good idea? There is a reason your relationship with your ex didn't work out properly. Do you really think that after 5 months(including your 3 months of summer), both of you have changed so much that it will work again all the sudden?

My advice is don't do it. Relationships end for a reason. People move on, and particularly girls want to stay in touch and be friends with their ex-boyfriends. These ex-bfs then think they still have a chance, chase her and end up being hurt and bitter. She may be wonderful, gorgeous or whatever, there is a girl out there who is thousand time better than she is.

If you must, up the flirting and kino. Try to remember how you initially met her and how you flirted with her all the time. Do this, mix in some mystery again, which will work if you picked up new activities since your break up.

 

[drak_ool]

First off, I KNOW. I shouldn't do this, I should forget about her and move on. And honestly, I had..

Really? then how come 3 lines down we got this:

well if we got back together that would be awesome. Call me AFC, I don't care. She's by far the coolest girl I know, and she's freaking gorgeous too.

So you moved on, right? you still think she's the coolest girl you've ever met, you still drool over how gorgeous she is, you jump on the first bone she throws you (the txt), and you can honestly say you moved on?

In fact, this is the first time since I started reading this forum that it hasn't been me who chose to break it off

She broke up with you because she wasn't interested anymore. You stopped being a challenge, reverted back to AFC, she found somebody else or she wanted to look for somebody else. You don't know what the exact reason was, but you do know for sure that she DID NOT want to be with you anymore. But you still wanted (and still want to this day) be with her. So all the power is on her side.

A few months later, after she has probably been burned by one or more guys, she decides to check back with you. You jump on her first message like a drowning man gasping for fresh air. She still has all the power. Even if you get back with her, it will end the same way it ended the first time around as you have the same mentality.

What you can do over the next 3 months? Work on your game, fvck hot chicks, and hopefully your attitude will change and you'll stop putting your ex on a pedestal. At that point, if you get back with her things might turn out differently...

 

[Desdinova]

Call me AFC, I don't care. She's by far the coolest girl I know, and she's freaking gorgeous too.

You're an AFC. That's the reason the both of you split up in the first place. If you remain an AFC, you will split up a second time.

I'm going to be away for three months. What do I do during that time so that when I come back we give it another shot?

Keep yourself busy by dating other women.

But, I have NO experience with getting BACK together with someone

I do. I've done it twice. It never works the second time around.

Things may be different if a large amount of time had passed since the two of you were together (and NO, two months is NOT a large amount of time). I'm hooking up with an ex I haven't seen in 9 years. I'm not expecting love, marriage, and happily ever after. I'm not expecting anything, but I'll be aiming for one of her fantastic bl0wjobs. Other than booty, I have no desire to be in a relationship with her. Once a fvckup, always a fvckup.

If you're going to put your whole goddam life on hold for some chick who dumped you, that's your choice. However, you will eventually look back and ask yourself, "Why did I waste my time with that piece of 5hit when I could've been having fun with other women?"

 

[TizZle]

Desdinova hit the nail on the head.

Given that you are an AFC i would say to go No Contact and stay that way.

If she texts you again saying," hey what's up?" ... Say "My d1ck, want to ride it?"

LMFAO

 

[Scion]

If she texts you again saying," hey what's up?" ... Say "My d1ck, want to ride it?"

ahahahaha, have to remember that line

 

[Kailex]

Kailex says: Let's beat on a dead horse.

First off, I KNOW. I shouldn't do this, I should forget about her and move on.

Then why is this thread even here? Oh wait... there's more.

And honestly, I had. We broke up two months ago.

No you didn't, and you'll see why.

For the last two months I've been going on two or three dates a week with different girls, broke off all contact with her and had finally gotten her out of my head, and then about a week ago she texts me out of the blue, just "hey what's up?"

Ohhh, so when you say "WE" broke up... you mean... "SHE" broke up with you.

So we start texting a bit, then I ran into her the other day and we talked.

So much for moving on.
Guess two months wasn't long enough.

It was a little awkward but just in the "we used to be intimate and now we're talking for the first time just as friends" way. She says we should do something some time, and I tell her I'd love to but I'm going out of town for the summer for work, and then we just kind of talked about our summer plans (she's staying here to take classes over the summer). I'll be back in August and... well if we got back together that would be awesome.

Why would it be awesome? She broke up with you two months ago, probably to get some caulk from someone else and now that she has no other options, she wanted to come back and see if she could still get it from you... annnnnnd you fell for it.

Call me AFC, I don't care.

AFC.

She's by far the coolest girl I know

No other options...

...and she's freaking gorgeous too.

No other options...

So, my question is basically this - I'm going to be away for three months. What do I do during that time so that when I come back we give it another shot?

I got news for you, it probably isn't going to happen. She'll probably have found someone else by then, and if she didn't... you're Plan Z. And know what's the worst part is... you probably won't go out with another girl this summer because you'll be waiting for this pure and gorgeous and coolest girl ever.

Right now I'm thinking no contact, and just call her up when I get back.

Wanna bet she doesn't pick up the phone when you call in August.

But, I have NO experience with getting BACK together with someone.

Keep it that way.

In fact, this is the first time since I started reading this forum that it hasn't been me who chose to break it off So, ANY advice, tips, or attempts to talk me out of it are appreciated. Preferably tips and advice though.

You know what everyone here is going to say.

Do you need to be slapped by the Kailex now or in August?
Can't wait to see that post from you in 5 months about why your ex doesn't pick up her phone when it seemed she was interested...

 

[GetOveIT]

Getting back with an ex

houston we have a problem.

 

[TheCzar]

I agree with what most folks have said here. Move on, get over it, etc.. etc.. It's not always easy, but your supposed to be a man, bite the bullet and realize that there are lots of other women in the world most likely that will treat you a lot better. Better to ride off with some dignity then show the world you make an awesome doormat.

Here's the reality you need to understand, for now, you've f'd this relationship up. It's fresh in her mind, along with all the reasons why your an AFC and why you just don't have the 'thing' to keep her interested in you. For her there's something missing and her interest level dived down to ZERO. Sure, she might send you a text occasionally to keep you in orbit, but your way down the list. It's more an ego stroke for her than anything. She's giving you false-hope and you're clinging on to the rope.

Like most here say, why waste your time when there are so many fascinating, sexy, and better adjusted women right around the corner.

If you really, really, want your ex back then you have to let it go completely and I mean completely. Give up on her, don't focus on her, focus on yourself, go have fun, get a life, get into some cool hobbies, do some fun stuff, learn to party, get lots of friends, date, etc.... You're going to need to give it about 18 months of keeping away from her - I mean totally keeping away from her, complete NC. At that point it'll be pretty cloudy in her mind as to what a complete AFC you were. And, hopefully you wont be an AFC anymore. If you still think she's 'the one' then you're still AFC and you need to take more time, if you feel she's just another chick, then drop her a note and grab coffee.

TC-

 

[cffrmw]

Wow, really hoping I wouldn't have to give too much detail, but OK. I think I'll answer Kailex's post, since he seems to be the one most off.

Ohhh, so when you say "WE" broke up... you mean... "SHE" broke up with you.
So much for moving on.
Guess two months wasn't long enough.

If you want to get into this, I actually broke up with her. At the time I didn't feel like I wanted an exclusive relationship. I liked her a lot but thought it was just because it was comfortable. She was pissed about it, especially when I said I didn't want to kid myself or her by pretending we could become "just friends." After which she said she never wanted to talk to me again.

As far as moving on, yeah, I put her out of my mind and started dating A LOT of different people. After about 12 different girls I realized that she was quite a bit better than all of them and I may have F'd up.

Why would it be awesome? She broke up with you two months ago, probably to get some caulk from someone else and now that she has no other options, she wanted to come back and see if she could still get it from you... annnnnnd you fell for it.

Again, I broke up with her, but I digress.

AFC.

Someday you'll realize that, while banging lots of different girls is fun, there actually comes a time when you want to stick with one.

No other options...

Which explains all of the other girls I've been (and am still) seeing?

I got news for you, it probably isn't going to happen. She'll probably have found someone else by then, and if she didn't... you're Plan Z. And know what's the worst part is... you probably won't go out with another girl this summer because you'll be waiting for this pure and gorgeous and coolest girl ever.

I know it probably won't happen. But I'd rather attempt something difficult and worthwhile than giving up because it "probably won't happen." And again, I haven't put other girls on hold, and have no plans to. But if when I get back she wants to be exclusive again, I'd say yes.

Wanna bet she doesn't pick up the phone when you call in August.

Yeah, I like my odds on this one.


Ok, rereading my original post it sounded exactly the way you all are interpreting it, I tried to keep it short because I hate reading dissertations when it could be summarized in a sentence.

@TheCzar: focus on yourself, go have fun, get a life, get into some cool hobbies, do some fun stuff, learn to party, get lots of friends, date, etc....

Good advice, but I took that advice years ago - I do jiu-jitsu, snowboard, play the guitar, own my own business (which is actually why I have to leave for the summer, it's a summer sales company). I'm getting my skydiving certification and just got a motorcycle. I really have no problem getting girls. It's just that I think I've found one who's actually worth pursuing long-term. And maybe it's not, maybe I've screwed it up. But, I'd rather give it one last shot and see what happens.

So, I've had plenty of trying to talk me out of it. Is there any legitimate advice on what to do? So far I've heard my original plan - break off all contact. So probably going to stick with that, unless someone has a compelling reason to do otherwise?

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

By the time you come back, she'll have hooked up with seven different guys over the summer and won't remember your name.

 

[Kailex]

Even the Kailex gets one wrong every once in a while...
I was going on the tone of your general message, but hey, I'm only human.

I guess my question is:

Why did you break up with her in the first place?



I just ask, because if you two do get together, that'll always be burning in the back of her mind... that or she'll try to break up with you before you do it again.

 

[lifeislearning]

Oh man. I'm not gonna bash you as seems to be the trend, I think you understand the opinion of the majority. Allow me to offer another view. I was in this same spot a few months ago. Broke up, dated around, thought I had made a mistake because none of these girls were better than what I left behind.

Then I came to an amazing realization. I would not have had those doubts about our relationship if I really wanted to be with her! I have flat out refused to be in a relationship with some of my recent dates because I saw the same doubts and concerns in a long-term relationship with this person.

Of course we all want to settle down eventually, but life at 23 is nothing like life as a REAL adult. You are young still, so am I. I do know the desire you have to be committed to one girl, but there is so much more for us to learn before we are ready for that responsibility.

I have to encourage you to continue the course you are pursuing without her in your life. The relationship ended, lessons were learned, time to move on. Do not regress. She may very well be the best you've come across so far, but keep in mind your feelings for her taint the reality and you have not been apart long enough for those to subside. No matter how great she was there are many women who will be above and beyond what your ex ever could be. They are often hard to find but they are out there. Took me 7 months to find one that measured up, but she is amazing when compared with my ex.

Unfortunately she probably doesn't feel for you what you do for her. Something got her down, and she knew you would come running back interested. Be prepared to be let down when you figure out she is using you as a boost for her self-esteem, status, finances, whatever.

We don't all give this advice because we're bitter and angry, but often because we know the disturbing truth firsthand. Trust us bro, this is one journey you do not want to endure. Despite any advice we can give I'm sure you will find out firsthand soon enough though...

 

[Desdinova]

As far as moving on, yeah, I put her out of my mind and started dating A LOT of different people. After about 12 different girls I realized that she was quite a bit better than all of them and I may have F'd up.

How long were you with this girl? Did you ever live together?

If your answers are less than one year and no, then you have no clue how great this woman actually is. She could be a slob, shower every three days, and clog the toilet with her maxi pads. These are the things you won't know until you've been with her for an extended period of time. Other women may have attitude problems, but could be incredibly tidy, shower daily, and dispose of their drip-catchers in a neat and tidy fashion.

You cannot judge a woman based on her appearance and how she initially interacts with you. Men and women are generally on their best behavior when they're in a new relationship. Once you're comfortable enough to fart in each other's presence, that's when her true colors will begin to show.

 

[cffrmw]

@Kailex: Not a problem, it was totally my fault for not explaining clearly. You were kind of harsh though, haha which is exactly what I would have needed. As to why I broke up with her... it kind of goes back to why I got with her. When I first got on this forum, 7 years ago? it was to try and get back with a girl who had dumped me. And at the time I was totally AFC so I told myself I would never get hurt like that again.

So, for a long time, every relationship I got in was one where I was totally willing to walk away and not look back. I mean, to the extent that if I felt like I was getting to the point where I really cared about them, that was enough for me to break it off - I didn't want to risk letting it happen again. And there were definitely times when walking away was hard because I didn't have any other options, but eventually I did what this forum advocates and made myself into what I wanted to be, and then that problem disappeared.

So, this last year I decided it was time to get past that, let myself "fall for" someone. But, it was HARD. I'd be in a relationship, eventually I'd realize things about the person that made me think... not the person I plan on being with for the rest of my life, might as well end it now (even though it was fun to be with them and I cared about them, I just knew I wasn't ever going to be in love with them). Then I met this girl, and things started out great, and they still were great, but always in the back of my mind there was that "get out while you still can" that I'd made a part of myself. But... aside from that things were great.

So why did I break up with her? I eventually let it get to me. I convinced myself that I'd be best getting out of it. So I did. So I guess that honestly, and I've never thought about it this way, I was scared. Ha that sounds retarded, but that's it.

@Lifeislearning: I really do hope that three or four months away gives me the realization you had, that would make this a lot simpler. It sounds like you've been through the same thing, and I hate to be the idiot that has to learn every lesson the hard way. But sometimes... well that's just the way things are.

@Desdinova: No we didn't live together. And we were together for less than a year, haha. So... you're probably right, I don't know enough about her.

Thanks, you guys actually have helped me with what I really needed - getting some perspective on everything. I guess my plan of action is this: give it the summer and see how I feel about it after that. There really is no point stressing about it, it'll take one phone call to figure out if things will work out, and the less I invest in that phone call the better - if she says no it's no big deal, if she says yes well, I'm right where I would have been even if I had thought about it all summer.

For the record - I'm stopping by home in between school and work (work is on the east coast, I'm in the midwest, and home is on the way and it'll be nice to break the drive up), and already have two former FB's lined up for the 4 days I'll be back So, my whole family is VERY religious (well, my parents are, I probably partied too much for that label), but one of the girls still gives me crap for it all the time.

So when I told her I was coming back and we were throwing a party for it (this is all over text btw), she said she'd only come if I promised to get drunk with her (I take that as a good IOI). I said in that case we could just grab a bottle of Jager and hit a hotel room, to which she replied "I'm pretty sure god looks down on that kind of thing " I answered "I'm pretty sure you'll be screaming 'god' plenty enough to make up for it it'll almost be like church" She said "well... in that case you'll just have to call me when you get here "

So yeah, definitely NOT putting other things on hold, and some random play should be nice to help get my head on straight.