Zippapants
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2012
- Messages
- 45
- Reaction score
- 1
Hey guys, to start off, this is a great site! I recently went through a rocky break up, and I need some advice on how to get back in the game. But first, let me fill you in on the situation.
I’d always been unlucky with the ladies, being a big, fat nice guy (6’6” and over 425 lbs at one point). Always got mad fun of, even by the girls I managed to go out with. And yet, I endured their company because all I wanted was someone to care about me as more than a friend. Those relationships never lasted long. Fast forwards a few years, and my anger and hatred drove me to shed that weight (over 200 lbs.). I went through a physical and mental change. Girls who laughed at me before now wanted my attention. But I learned that the nice guy routine wouldn’t work no matter how I looked REAL quick. So with the help of two of my friends, I managed to change that aspect of me as well and soon was having more fun than I ever had in my life.
After my weight loss, I enrolled in college, which was prime for meeting girls. My problem was I never wanted anything more than a physical relationship with any of them. They couldn’t stimulate my mind. But then I met one who did, and we fell for each other, hard. She was a little older than me (she’s 26, I’m 24) and out of college, and oddly enough was even still a virgin. But our minds clicked. We were like two sides of the coin. We shared a lot of common ground, and yet were different enough to expand both of our horizons. We were together for over a year, and for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. She was the first woman I ever loved, and I was the first man she ever loved (we declared it to each other about 10 months into the relationship). We had a few bumps we got through together, but things were amazing. Or so I thought.
Me and my girlfriend (or ex now, I suppose) both act on stage, which is where we met. We broke it off early on after a few weeks of dating because she was very career driven and was afraid that that would get in the way of us. I understood completely being career driven, being in the business myself, but I was willing to work it out, and she was just scared. A week later we were back together because she was willing to take a chance. Or so I thought.
But when she ended up getting accepted into a dinner theatre gig over the summer for 2 and half months over 400 miles away, things got iffy. I didn’t care that she was going, but she never even talked to me about it really. Her reasoning was that it was her life and she isn’t married and shouldn’t have to answer to anyone. I never told her I didn’t want her to go, but at least talk to me about stuff. We argued a bit over that, but got through it. Or so I thought.
I helped her move when the time came. Scoped out the people that she was going to work with: all girls and 4 gay guys, so no risk of cheating (not that I didn’t trust her, I didn’t trust them). We were hit with another obstacle: her carrier had absolutely no service where she was. She bought a tracfone for emergencies, and we decided (after she had a breakdown) that we’d talk to each other whenever we could online on facebook or through Skype. We talked multiple times a day at home, but it would work out. Or so I thought.
We talked when we could (she’d work from 10 AM – 9 PM), but she would hang with the cast a lot and party, which was understandable. They were in the middle of nowhere with the nearest town an hour away. One day we got into an argument about some stupid stuff, and it escalated. I was a little upset how I’d hardly hear from her but for a small window before she would go off to drink and party (all the kids there are in college and are ages (19-22), and she felt like she had to check in, which she didn’t want to. Then I found out info about the strong possibility of her going away again in the fall, which she knew for a few weeks and kept from me because she was afraid of how I’d react. One thing led to another, and she said she didn’t want to do this anymore, and we broke up.
Her main reasoning was that she loved me as a person, but was not in love with me, and tried so hard to make it work. The first time she broke up with me? She came back because apparently she still wanted me in her life and was afraid I wouldn’t be unless we were in a relationship. Then she said the other times she tried to break it off I convinced her to stay, which I corrected her and said I gave her the option to leave whenever she wanted if she was not happy, and she assured me she was. Then she said when she told me she loved me she got her love for me as a person mixed up with romantic love. Yet, she told me she loved me as a person when we first met, and when we talked about us loving each other, she said “I never felt this way with a man.” At that point her story changed to “Well maybe I did love you once.”
Another issue was that she said she was at a low point in her life, which she has told me before. She’s not happy where she’s working, and her cast mates are the only ones who make it bearable. She’s not happy with herself (which is something she told me in a big tear filled confession last year), and feels like she’s not fit for a relationship. A friend reminded me that you have to love yourself before someone else, and that's what I'm thinking this is. When I was around I could love her so she didn't have to love herself. Now that I'm so far away, she has to face it on her own.
The biggest thing that hurt me was when she said “I just can never see us getting married”. Prior to me, she had always been dumped in her relationships cause the guys were *******s and treated her like dirt. After the break ups she would still want to be with them. Apparently they were marriage material? Bah.
I spoke to her little after the break up, trying to understand everything. She thinks we shouldn’t talk to each other for a while so we can have time to heal before trying to rebuild a friendship, but I’m not sure why she needs time to heal. When I was silent to her, she texted me hoping I was okay. Later I confronted her about why it seemed like she wasn’t all in with this break up, almost like she was convincing herself it had to happen (she’s obsessed with divorce rate and break up statistics). She twisted my words, apologized, and said it would be the last time she responded. Even when I heard she was almost in an accident in a lightning storm I asked her if she was okay, but she said nothing.
It’s been almost 3 weeks, and I’m going crazy. I’ve deleted and gotten rid of all her stuff in an attempt to move on, but I can’t get her out of my mind. I still love her, and I believe she still has feelings for me, even if she doesn’t “love me”. But what I believe and what’s real I may never know. So I’m trying to move on. I was out at the club the other night and got pretty close to some girls, but couldn’t bring myself to do anything because I feel almost crippled by the loss of my ex. What should I do? Should I hold out hope of her coming to her senses (which some people I’ve talked to seem to think will happen when she returns home in August)? Or should I just forget her? In her I saw the kind of woman I’d want to marry some day, and I feel as if I really want something I have to fight for it. But I’m not so sure I even stand a chance now. I’m feel more angry at myself for still caring about her than I am her for doing this to me.
Any opinions on how to get through this and get back into the swing of things? Thanks! (And sorry for the wall of text!
)
I’d always been unlucky with the ladies, being a big, fat nice guy (6’6” and over 425 lbs at one point). Always got mad fun of, even by the girls I managed to go out with. And yet, I endured their company because all I wanted was someone to care about me as more than a friend. Those relationships never lasted long. Fast forwards a few years, and my anger and hatred drove me to shed that weight (over 200 lbs.). I went through a physical and mental change. Girls who laughed at me before now wanted my attention. But I learned that the nice guy routine wouldn’t work no matter how I looked REAL quick. So with the help of two of my friends, I managed to change that aspect of me as well and soon was having more fun than I ever had in my life.
After my weight loss, I enrolled in college, which was prime for meeting girls. My problem was I never wanted anything more than a physical relationship with any of them. They couldn’t stimulate my mind. But then I met one who did, and we fell for each other, hard. She was a little older than me (she’s 26, I’m 24) and out of college, and oddly enough was even still a virgin. But our minds clicked. We were like two sides of the coin. We shared a lot of common ground, and yet were different enough to expand both of our horizons. We were together for over a year, and for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. She was the first woman I ever loved, and I was the first man she ever loved (we declared it to each other about 10 months into the relationship). We had a few bumps we got through together, but things were amazing. Or so I thought.
Me and my girlfriend (or ex now, I suppose) both act on stage, which is where we met. We broke it off early on after a few weeks of dating because she was very career driven and was afraid that that would get in the way of us. I understood completely being career driven, being in the business myself, but I was willing to work it out, and she was just scared. A week later we were back together because she was willing to take a chance. Or so I thought.
But when she ended up getting accepted into a dinner theatre gig over the summer for 2 and half months over 400 miles away, things got iffy. I didn’t care that she was going, but she never even talked to me about it really. Her reasoning was that it was her life and she isn’t married and shouldn’t have to answer to anyone. I never told her I didn’t want her to go, but at least talk to me about stuff. We argued a bit over that, but got through it. Or so I thought.
I helped her move when the time came. Scoped out the people that she was going to work with: all girls and 4 gay guys, so no risk of cheating (not that I didn’t trust her, I didn’t trust them). We were hit with another obstacle: her carrier had absolutely no service where she was. She bought a tracfone for emergencies, and we decided (after she had a breakdown) that we’d talk to each other whenever we could online on facebook or through Skype. We talked multiple times a day at home, but it would work out. Or so I thought.
We talked when we could (she’d work from 10 AM – 9 PM), but she would hang with the cast a lot and party, which was understandable. They were in the middle of nowhere with the nearest town an hour away. One day we got into an argument about some stupid stuff, and it escalated. I was a little upset how I’d hardly hear from her but for a small window before she would go off to drink and party (all the kids there are in college and are ages (19-22), and she felt like she had to check in, which she didn’t want to. Then I found out info about the strong possibility of her going away again in the fall, which she knew for a few weeks and kept from me because she was afraid of how I’d react. One thing led to another, and she said she didn’t want to do this anymore, and we broke up.
Her main reasoning was that she loved me as a person, but was not in love with me, and tried so hard to make it work. The first time she broke up with me? She came back because apparently she still wanted me in her life and was afraid I wouldn’t be unless we were in a relationship. Then she said the other times she tried to break it off I convinced her to stay, which I corrected her and said I gave her the option to leave whenever she wanted if she was not happy, and she assured me she was. Then she said when she told me she loved me she got her love for me as a person mixed up with romantic love. Yet, she told me she loved me as a person when we first met, and when we talked about us loving each other, she said “I never felt this way with a man.” At that point her story changed to “Well maybe I did love you once.”
Another issue was that she said she was at a low point in her life, which she has told me before. She’s not happy where she’s working, and her cast mates are the only ones who make it bearable. She’s not happy with herself (which is something she told me in a big tear filled confession last year), and feels like she’s not fit for a relationship. A friend reminded me that you have to love yourself before someone else, and that's what I'm thinking this is. When I was around I could love her so she didn't have to love herself. Now that I'm so far away, she has to face it on her own.
The biggest thing that hurt me was when she said “I just can never see us getting married”. Prior to me, she had always been dumped in her relationships cause the guys were *******s and treated her like dirt. After the break ups she would still want to be with them. Apparently they were marriage material? Bah.
I spoke to her little after the break up, trying to understand everything. She thinks we shouldn’t talk to each other for a while so we can have time to heal before trying to rebuild a friendship, but I’m not sure why she needs time to heal. When I was silent to her, she texted me hoping I was okay. Later I confronted her about why it seemed like she wasn’t all in with this break up, almost like she was convincing herself it had to happen (she’s obsessed with divorce rate and break up statistics). She twisted my words, apologized, and said it would be the last time she responded. Even when I heard she was almost in an accident in a lightning storm I asked her if she was okay, but she said nothing.
It’s been almost 3 weeks, and I’m going crazy. I’ve deleted and gotten rid of all her stuff in an attempt to move on, but I can’t get her out of my mind. I still love her, and I believe she still has feelings for me, even if she doesn’t “love me”. But what I believe and what’s real I may never know. So I’m trying to move on. I was out at the club the other night and got pretty close to some girls, but couldn’t bring myself to do anything because I feel almost crippled by the loss of my ex. What should I do? Should I hold out hope of her coming to her senses (which some people I’ve talked to seem to think will happen when she returns home in August)? Or should I just forget her? In her I saw the kind of woman I’d want to marry some day, and I feel as if I really want something I have to fight for it. But I’m not so sure I even stand a chance now. I’m feel more angry at myself for still caring about her than I am her for doing this to me.
Any opinions on how to get through this and get back into the swing of things? Thanks! (And sorry for the wall of text!
)
