Getting back in the game

[Zippapants]

Hey guys, to start off, this is a great site! I recently went through a rocky break up, and I need some advice on how to get back in the game. But first, let me fill you in on the situation.

I’d always been unlucky with the ladies, being a big, fat nice guy (6’6” and over 425 lbs at one point). Always got mad fun of, even by the girls I managed to go out with. And yet, I endured their company because all I wanted was someone to care about me as more than a friend. Those relationships never lasted long. Fast forwards a few years, and my anger and hatred drove me to shed that weight (over 200 lbs.). I went through a physical and mental change. Girls who laughed at me before now wanted my attention. But I learned that the nice guy routine wouldn’t work no matter how I looked REAL quick. So with the help of two of my friends, I managed to change that aspect of me as well and soon was having more fun than I ever had in my life.

After my weight loss, I enrolled in college, which was prime for meeting girls. My problem was I never wanted anything more than a physical relationship with any of them. They couldn’t stimulate my mind. But then I met one who did, and we fell for each other, hard. She was a little older than me (she’s 26, I’m 24) and out of college, and oddly enough was even still a virgin. But our minds clicked. We were like two sides of the coin. We shared a lot of common ground, and yet were different enough to expand both of our horizons. We were together for over a year, and for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. She was the first woman I ever loved, and I was the first man she ever loved (we declared it to each other about 10 months into the relationship). We had a few bumps we got through together, but things were amazing. Or so I thought.

Me and my girlfriend (or ex now, I suppose) both act on stage, which is where we met. We broke it off early on after a few weeks of dating because she was very career driven and was afraid that that would get in the way of us. I understood completely being career driven, being in the business myself, but I was willing to work it out, and she was just scared. A week later we were back together because she was willing to take a chance. Or so I thought.

But when she ended up getting accepted into a dinner theatre gig over the summer for 2 and half months over 400 miles away, things got iffy. I didn’t care that she was going, but she never even talked to me about it really. Her reasoning was that it was her life and she isn’t married and shouldn’t have to answer to anyone. I never told her I didn’t want her to go, but at least talk to me about stuff. We argued a bit over that, but got through it. Or so I thought.

I helped her move when the time came. Scoped out the people that she was going to work with: all girls and 4 gay guys, so no risk of cheating (not that I didn’t trust her, I didn’t trust them). We were hit with another obstacle: her carrier had absolutely no service where she was. She bought a tracfone for emergencies, and we decided (after she had a breakdown) that we’d talk to each other whenever we could online on facebook or through Skype. We talked multiple times a day at home, but it would work out. Or so I thought.

We talked when we could (she’d work from 10 AM – 9 PM), but she would hang with the cast a lot and party, which was understandable. They were in the middle of nowhere with the nearest town an hour away. One day we got into an argument about some stupid stuff, and it escalated. I was a little upset how I’d hardly hear from her but for a small window before she would go off to drink and party (all the kids there are in college and are ages (19-22), and she felt like she had to check in, which she didn’t want to. Then I found out info about the strong possibility of her going away again in the fall, which she knew for a few weeks and kept from me because she was afraid of how I’d react. One thing led to another, and she said she didn’t want to do this anymore, and we broke up.

Her main reasoning was that she loved me as a person, but was not in love with me, and tried so hard to make it work. The first time she broke up with me? She came back because apparently she still wanted me in her life and was afraid I wouldn’t be unless we were in a relationship. Then she said the other times she tried to break it off I convinced her to stay, which I corrected her and said I gave her the option to leave whenever she wanted if she was not happy, and she assured me she was. Then she said when she told me she loved me she got her love for me as a person mixed up with romantic love. Yet, she told me she loved me as a person when we first met, and when we talked about us loving each other, she said “I never felt this way with a man.” At that point her story changed to “Well maybe I did love you once.”

Another issue was that she said she was at a low point in her life, which she has told me before. She’s not happy where she’s working, and her cast mates are the only ones who make it bearable. She’s not happy with herself (which is something she told me in a big tear filled confession last year), and feels like she’s not fit for a relationship. A friend reminded me that you have to love yourself before someone else, and that's what I'm thinking this is. When I was around I could love her so she didn't have to love herself. Now that I'm so far away, she has to face it on her own.

The biggest thing that hurt me was when she said “I just can never see us getting married”. Prior to me, she had always been dumped in her relationships cause the guys were *******s and treated her like dirt. After the break ups she would still want to be with them. Apparently they were marriage material? Bah.

I spoke to her little after the break up, trying to understand everything. She thinks we shouldn’t talk to each other for a while so we can have time to heal before trying to rebuild a friendship, but I’m not sure why she needs time to heal. When I was silent to her, she texted me hoping I was okay. Later I confronted her about why it seemed like she wasn’t all in with this break up, almost like she was convincing herself it had to happen (she’s obsessed with divorce rate and break up statistics). She twisted my words, apologized, and said it would be the last time she responded. Even when I heard she was almost in an accident in a lightning storm I asked her if she was okay, but she said nothing.

It’s been almost 3 weeks, and I’m going crazy. I’ve deleted and gotten rid of all her stuff in an attempt to move on, but I can’t get her out of my mind. I still love her, and I believe she still has feelings for me, even if she doesn’t “love me”. But what I believe and what’s real I may never know. So I’m trying to move on. I was out at the club the other night and got pretty close to some girls, but couldn’t bring myself to do anything because I feel almost crippled by the loss of my ex. What should I do? Should I hold out hope of her coming to her senses (which some people I’ve talked to seem to think will happen when she returns home in August)? Or should I just forget her? In her I saw the kind of woman I’d want to marry some day, and I feel as if I really want something I have to fight for it. But I’m not so sure I even stand a chance now. I’m feel more angry at myself for still caring about her than I am her for doing this to me.

Any opinions on how to get through this and get back into the swing of things? Thanks! (And sorry for the wall of text! )

 

[mr.mafioso]

spin plates dude:rockon:

 

[wildcard2012]

Dude, first loves are the hardest to get by. Not that it's ever easy thereafter, but it does get easier. It will take time, however. Just focus on you like you did before when you dropped all that weight. Above all, remember this: there will always be another one. A better one even! So just say to yourself "**** it" and go out there and start talking to girls again. You will screw up royally over and over again (especially at first) but you'll get better. Eventually you'll realize again that hitting on girls IS FUN! Then you'll start hooking up again and then you'll find one that's worth starting a relationship with again. Most importantly, take with you what you've learned from this one and apply it to the next (but don't super impose your ex's habits on to her).

 

[nismo-4]

TL;DR!

Very simple case.

Your princess is in another castle. She had been there for quite some time. Women break up with men months before actually telling them. And she don't give a f**k about your feelings.

:kick: :nervous: :cuss: :box: That's how it usually goes.

It's tough getting over a first love. I'm long over mine, and we no longer talk, nor are we in contact. This makes me wonder if true love even exists. AFAIC, love is just a four letter word, sometimes spelled c-a-s-h.

Go get another girl and stop dwelling over this one. This is why we preach spinning more plates. Also, women's options are damn infinite. Not men's.

Move on, get another girl, have options, work on yourself physically and financially. This is the absolute best thing that is for you, and Judge nismo's ruling.

Case closed. Soldier on.

 

[Zippapants]

Thanks guys, you're all right. I've always considered myself a logical man, and I know I should just forget about her, and I've taken the necessary steps to do so. But she also became one of my best friends, and grew to know me better than most. I guess that's why I've found it so hard.

Anymore I've been fighting the urge to contact her and unleash all of my frustrations, but that won't change a damn thing, except maybe make me look like an ass. As my one friend said, I became too soft again. I just wish there was a way to stop my thoughts from always including her. Never happened with a chick before her, and I'm not looking forward to it ever happening again.

But I had a good year with her. Learned a lot of stuff. Need to take that knowledge and apply it to something better. She wanted to meet up when she got back home in early August for dinner or something, but I think I'll just meet up, swap possessions, and call it a day.

 

[In2theGame]

Its like this...

You seem like a cool guy and stories like this really make my blood f*cking Boil. Women ALWAYS have an excuse or some type of thought that tries to rationalize their action to jump off the current relationship because "they are going through something" "They are at a low point" "they just dont feel right" "I dont love you anymore".. (yet i love you so much a month ago) "Life is so straining right now" meanwhile going out to party? Let me tell you something bro... I know how you feel because ive been done in with two women i was going to step into marriage to. Dont sweat it so much and i know at this current time, its alot easier to say than to do but she wants to do her "own" thing in terms of see other guys. Almost all girls at one point or another complain that they feel smothered, controlled, uneasy, they dont "feel" the excitement anymore... Well WTF you think? your going to feel excitement 24/7? get the F*ck out of here with that Bull Sh*t. The reason it makes me so upset is because the same thing is done and said to so many guys who actually do love their girlfriends or wives yet the wife or girlfriend feels "so tied down". Its a Man's right to feel hurt, angry and upset because the woman he loves, he also has a desire to take care of and protect and is in his nature to stand and protect his woman.. Through out history... When the woman is in danger... The Man tells her STAND BACK! i Got it!. But in todays F*cked up style... the Man, the protector, The Provider the Strength of the two.. says stand back behind me... The woman says No.. I dont need you... and wanders off. Thats whats turning alot of men to just not give a F*ck and feel bitter. Im more of a relationship type guy myself although i do good very well with girls but at this point i say... Whats the point? so everything could go so well for a few years and then she tells me she needs space and needs to get her thoughts together? Meanwhile i am heavy emotionally invested in this woman? and decides to end the relationship with 3 weeks of advanced knowledge? No Thank you.

I dont blame you for wanting to call her or wanting to hear from her and feel down, its Okay. My advice is just try hanging out with your friends.. even though it wont help 100% but it will help some to relieve your mind a bit. However that feeling in the pit of your stomach will remain for a little while. Dont contact her ( i know it can be really hard to do ) but dont do it. hit the gym.. watch movies that make you laugh, Listen to music that makes you feel good. think positive. Sometimes these woman turn into straight devils and want your freakin soul man, at atleast thats how it feels. just take some time and relax, I know its hard bro ive been there after my 5 year relationship.. believe me i cried and the pain was super natural,... But hold on and it will be okay in time.

 

[Zippapants]

5 years? You have my sympathy man... only 1 year and I felt completely devastated. But thank you for your advice, you seemed to have walked the same path. I am trying to hang with my friends as much as I can and keep busy, but as you said, it's tough.

The worst thing is... I'm not even sure this about her wanting to be with other guys. Hell, I might be able to understand it better if it was. She's never been that kind of girl. Granted, she fooled around with guys in college, but she was a virgin at age 25, The most she's done is gone out and kissed random dudes because she's so afraid of doing something sexual and catching something.

She's always been a little mental with stuff. As I said, she was obsessed with divorce and break up rates and stuff. She was only in one other serious relationship that lasted 6 months, and dated a few guys for a bit, but she had always been the one who was dumped. After a while, she decided to focus more on her career than a relationship because she was afraid. When I came along, there was a conflict of her old and new mindset. Now that she's alone and unhappy, she's reverted to the career mindset to try to find happiness.

Of course, that's just my 2 cents. I'll probably never know for sure, which is a fact I'm slowly warming up to. Either way, she's hurt me more than probably anyone. If I accept what she said is true and is not a load of BS, then that means that the past year was basically a lie, and that hurts the most, knowing I gave the heart I wasn't sure I had before to something that wasn't real.

I tried to seek understanding initially instead of time because I've found time to amplify my feelings rather than diminish them. I could remember every single time I was made fun of or humiliated when I was younger (I have a great memory, helps in school). I remembered all those emotions and used them to push me to change myself, and I lost all my weight through hard work, willpower, and anger, no pills or diet plans or anything. I remembered the treatment I suffered at the hands of women, and that made me change how I treated them in turn. And now I've let someone in so close, and I'm just afraid I'll remember this and I won't allow myself to do so.

Of course, I control my own mind. If I work hard enough, I can overcome myself. It just isn't something to look forward to, but I don't really have much of a choice left haha.