Getting along with/making peace with being a product of your parents...

[Heretolearn]

General topic thus the subject was challenging.

I guess two main points:

1) Making peace with parents/upbringing; and
2) Getting along with them.

I am VERY grateful for my upbringing. Truly I am. Although I admit unfortunately I feel far removed from my mother. My mum raised my brother and I (father left when I was 7, not much memory of him) and gave us LOTS of attention. Always coming to sporting events etc and working her butt off to suport us. We were quite poor but MUCH better than it could have been considering the circumstances.

Anyway, my mother ingrained in me the Nice guy (catholic upbringing). I was mr doormat lol but well liked ha ha. Very shy. ANyway, I left home at 17 to go to University (first one in the family). Worked my butt off and graduated with 2 law and Science degrees whilst working my butt off to pay for it (far away from small town and family where I was raised). I then have worked 4 years travelling around and have visited my family/given money & gifts when I can. But I cannot stand being around them for long. One part of me loves it, but I feel it is counterproductive to my growth. (LOVE giving presents/money etc though).

I had to make peace that I was a doormat (happy to be nice but because I want to not because I think others will like me for it) and it had a LOT to do with my upbringing. I love my mum but she has her issues too.

Anyway, how do you re-program yourself to go against what you think was counter-intuitive teachings especially girls and business? I actually feel guilty for thinking this way and wanting more than what they have. (My mum and her new husband).

2) How do you get along with them?

My step father and mother question EVERY decision I make and lecture me on the right thing. Even with money yet no disrespect but look where they are/lived. They say they guide me because they made the wrong decisions but they have not researched. They just take positions. Eg. I worked my butt off to buy 3 properties which have appreciated and all they can say is that you have borrowed money and be negative due to the 'risk'.

So I try and be a good son and see them (eg. with them this week). And its only one week of the year but the stuff they tell me lol. They lecture me on the ways of the world and I love them but they REALLY have not done their research eg. youtube is the devil lol. How do you argue with that (I was really proud of a competition I won so I sent the youtube clip and they were angry that I use 'the youtube' as they saw it is abused on their current affair television show/gospel lol.

Thoughts and reflections? Is this a struggle to making your own life, to understand/make peace with your family situation? I will always respect my mum and step dad for their strengths as good honest hard working beautiful people but why lecture me on finance and computers. Especially when I seek expert professional advice on those matters.

Thanks

 

[Duffdog]

You don't, really. You just exceed where they have failed. That is the best you can hope for. There will always be something wrong with any decision that was not made by counseling your parents first, thus they insisted on raising you as a passive guy.

Part of becoming a man is standing up for yourself and making others upset. You cannot please everyone.

 

[Heretolearn]

thank you. I am trying to work on this. I realised I REALLY do not like conflict. Eg.

at work I work for com department split into fin and Proc. THe com and proc managers are away so I am filling in for the proc manager. I am managing a project where one of the fin manager's staff were delegated to assist my project. (signed off plan by the com manager who is boss of fin and proc)


The guy was not doing his job despite being asked 3 times saying I needed to go through fin manager despite showing him the signed off plan. I then went to see his direct boss the fin manager. She was not there so I emailed the com manager, cc fin manager and the staff guy asking for clarification as I was not getting assistance and otherwise the project would be delayed (the staff guy had created spreadsheets and I could not understand why he did it, so he either needed to finish the work or explain how I could do it).

Anyway, the fin manager blew up the next day, calling me into a meeting with her and the staff guy wasting MORE time with the simple points that I should not have made us all look bad to the com manager. I should have seen her. I explained I tried and she said yeah well snidely I was taking my husband to hospital you could have waited until the next day. I was getting angry so firmly said, I did try to see you, you were not there and unfortunately I was unaware of your situation. Nevertheless, the project has already lost 3 days, i have spoken to your staff guy 3 times without results. I have a signed off plan, I simply requested clarification and direction for all of us about the allocation of staff. She said it is her staff and I once again repeated the signed off plan by her boss and the company CEO said he was delegated to the project. If that is changed, I have not been notified hence my email to the com manager. I asked how would she have done it differently. She said she would have waited until the next day. I explained the importance of the schedule signed off once again. She then just furiously said what you did made us all look very unprofessional and left.

Man that was exhausting. I ended up just working an extra 6 hours unpaid overtime recreating the spreadsheets myself to save the delay. But I was also the talk of the office as I supposedly did not handle it well according to the girls (cc'ing a manager about their staff).

SO two points:

1) I hate conflict like that. Really exhausting for no reason. Is that normal?

2) How did you think I handled the situation above? Any suggestions?

 

[Duffdog]

thank you. I am trying to work on this. I realised I REALLY do not like conflict. Eg.

at work I work for com department split into fin and Proc. THe com and proc managers are away so I am filling in for the proc manager. I am managing a project where one of the fin manager's staff were delegated to assist my project. (signed off plan by the com manager who is boss of fin and proc)


The guy was not doing his job despite being asked 3 times saying I needed to go through fin manager despite showing him the signed off plan. I then went to see his direct boss the fin manager. She was not there so I emailed the com manager, cc fin manager and the staff guy asking for clarification as I was not getting assistance and otherwise the project would be delayed (the staff guy had created spreadsheets and I could not understand why he did it, so he either needed to finish the work or explain how I could do it).

Anyway, the fin manager blew up the next day, calling me into a meeting with her and the staff guy wasting MORE time with the simple points that I should not have made us all look bad to the com manager. I should have seen her. I explained I tried and she said yeah well snidely I was taking my husband to hospital you could have waited until the next day. I was getting angry so firmly said, I did try to see you, you were not there and unfortunately I was unaware of your situation. Nevertheless, the project has already lost 3 days, i have spoken to your staff guy 3 times without results. I have a signed off plan, I simply requested clarification and direction for all of us about the allocation of staff. She said it is her staff and I once again repeated the signed off plan by her boss and the company CEO said he was delegated to the project. If that is changed, I have not been notified hence my email to the com manager. I asked how would she have done it differently. She said she would have waited until the next day. I explained the importance of the schedule signed off once again. She then just furiously said what you did made us all look very unprofessional and left.

Man that was exhausting. I ended up just working an extra 6 hours unpaid overtime recreating the spreadsheets myself to save the delay. But I was also the talk of the office as I supposedly did not handle it well according to the girls (cc'ing a manager about their staff).

SO two points:

1) I hate conflict like that. Really exhausting for no reason. Is that normal?

2) How did you think I handled the situation above? Any suggestions?

You are in a corporate world. In the corporate world the only thing you have to worry about is Covering Your Ass. Don't stay late extra hours to make something happen that some guy forgot to do, simply email the appropriate department managers and CC the boss what exactly is happening. Your ammunition is what has been written down and emailed.

So this chic was taking someone to the hospital? Big deal, I would have been as cold and as heartless as possible and just said: "Your families health issues are not my problem, your dept. productivity is my problem." If some guy screwed off in front of me and was in danger of making me look bad, I would be off to HR to get a discipline form and document how he was fvcking up and how his mgr was not present. The words coming out of your mouth or her mouth mean very little. It is your actions which speak.

In this case, you acted and did not sit passively. That is good. Keep doing that.

Its the same way with dating. Stop talking about getting girls and act on it.