general advice for becoming more confident

[Dryden]

Hi guys,

I just want to ask if you have some general advice for a person starting *really* low on the confidence ladder.

I'm the person that will generally fail all confidence test women would throw at me. Although I have had a number of dates and girlfriends I have never dared ask any girl out except recently as a kind of joke as I knew she would say no.

I can say my self esteem and confidence are rock bottom and they have always been except that today my life is so messed up (in terms of psychological health) that I have a lot of work to do anyway (which I have just started to take steps in the direction of).

I can remember even failing a confidence test an EX of mine threw at me and I even failed it in email conversation. It didn't take long for me to realize what I had done and what the proper response should have been. But there you have it.

I'm the kind of guy that will comply with anything an attractive woman would throw at me.

I will generally display very low value in any kind of challenging situation, even if the girl is very low value herself. In other words, I have little to no faith in any leadership qualities I might have, and generally make much better decisions when I'm on my own as compared to when I'm with other people (such as my dad, or anyone who is hasty/pushy or intolerant to any degree).

Not surprisingly I pass one test I shouldn't want to pass, that of the avoidant personality disorder.

My initial path would consist of taking better care of myself as a means of building up self esteem. An uncle of mine is now helping me do that. I need help, because the behaviours of high self esteem are obviously alien to me. I can hardly conceive of them myself.

So what is beneficial to me is to read examples of how to pass confidence tests - any behaviour that displays confidence and self esteem is good input to me, I need role models and be around (or take note of) people who do it well, who know how to be the 'superior man'.

Any reading you might suggest is welcomed, although I have a hard time reading due to my mental health, so I will generally read a thing if it REALLY appeals to me.

I am from the Netherlands and I'm 31 years of age.

 

[alpha_ash]

Going along with what people say is not a problem. It is a problem when you go along with what only "attractive" girls say.

Here are some tips on improving confidence:

1. Talk to more people, not just women but other men too. Talk about anything and everything that comes up. Be enthusiastic about one or other point, develop your own view on things and present it in a coherent manner. This will make you better at communicating with people AND women.

2. Hit the gym. A person with the right look is always more confident than that same person who doesn't like himself. Eat healthy, junk food is known to affect your mind and psychological health negatively. Nearly all the people who eat junk food are walking proof of this statement. Go to a healthy fast-food place or a restaurant and compare the type of people you see with the types that frequent mcdonalds, burger king, pizza places, and unhealthy places in general.

3. Dress professionally. You don't have to put on a suit but dress your casual or business casual BEST whenever possible. Looking good is not limited to having a well-sculpted body - you must be able to present that body in nice fitted clothing. One timeless statement in any type of show business, business, sales, etc. is "presentation is key" and it holds true in casual situations. Hairstyle and hygiene are also important aspects of presentation.

4. Stop watching tv shows. You are wasting your time by sitting in your living room watching tv shows. Do something more productive with that time like setting up time to go out with your friends. Now you'll say, "all my friends are like me." Okay, that can be fixed easily. People strongly influence other people around them with positive energy. As you build this positive momentum, your friends will join in and occasionally you can offer them advice to improve themselves if they aren't doing it on their own!

Everyone appreciates positive advice even if their initial reaction is "huh, you worry about yourself."

Work on these four and EVERYTHING else will come naturally.


EDIT: also, you're from the Netherlands. Having a slightly better body than the rest of the men around will give you an advance with women! It's really sad how the evolution of ****ty women in Europe and the Americas has done to men. If you go to Asia, Middle East, and anywhere else, you'll see how a family is created: it requires equal but DIFFERENT effort from the man and the woman in the relationship.

 

[Dryden]

Thank you. #1 is a good one. Every ounce of experience works for the better. I need more experience with things that I currently find scary. (You can tell I'm really shy).

#2 and #3 are currently not possible although I see their value. My situation is currently below the line where these things become possible.

#4 - I do not watch any TV. Never much liked it. I try to eat healthy, but don't. Not that I eat unhealty, I just don't eat ;-). This is something that will improve in due time but I just need to keep my eyes open to things that I can do right away or work on right away.

EDIT: I like that idea of equal but different role for male and female. Most people in these lands bark when you insist that men and women have unequal roles to play. They will read that you think men and women should have unequal worth or value. Emancipation has resulted in sameness, but sameness does not allow for unique strengths.

 

[alpha_ash]

When I was first learning to drive, my cousin told me that no matter how much I read or learn about it, will not help after a certain point. I need to jump on a busy highway or rush hour traffic on a regular basis to really grasp it and have it become second nature to me.

So now I'm going to use that analogy. Communication is like driving. Reading about improving your confidence in a conversation can only take you so far. You must dive into conversations on a regular basis to improve your skills.

Also, if you can't afford to pay for a gym, work out on your own. 3 sets of 20 pushups, and 3 sets of 30 situps, morning and night, will provide sufficient improvement for the time being. Eventually you'll be able to do 50 pushups, and 75 situps per set and that will lead to a solid body. In college, I ate way healthier than I do now and my body fat was low enough that with just 250 situps per night, I was able to develop a tight and distinguishing six-pack (actually eight-pack). If you can, buy a pull-up bar. It helped immensely when I was first attempting to get bigger.

 

[Mike32ct]

The best general confidence tip i can give you is to get good at something.

It could be your career/profession or some interest like martial arts, dance, musical instrument, a sport, etc.

Then you'll feel like you have something most people you meet (including women) don't have.

 

[namthebabe]

- Accentuate positive aspects of yourself

- Use eye contact and talk to people firmly

- Don't slouch and don't use self-deprecating language

- Feel proud of who you are and don't let others slight nor take advantage of you

- Do your own thing, and don't care what others think of you

 

[Dryden]

I'm not bad at conversing.

I will also randomly say things to people until it becomes clear they don't like me. That's when it becomes valuable.

Some time ago I just made a chat with some guy sitting at a table outside a snackbar. It was the kind of person that looked like he didn't really want to talk. But I did it anyway came away with a different point of view (to quote Johnny Cash ) - in any case those are the experiences that are valuable.

The stuff I barely have the guts to do.

Getting good at something... I used to be a good computer programmer (or at least I thought I was). Indeed I need to find something again.

I'm not sure I HAVE any positive aspects ;-). I will go and think about it lol. I tend to avoid eye contact. I tend to slouch. I never ever felt proud of who I am. I know there's a lot of work to do but I don't know exactly how to do it.

Also, the adage "dare to be different." I'm not sure WHAT I want to be.

I need the help of a stylist if i want to dress better anytime soon. I may know a guy who can help me...

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Here's something to remember, and something that should, at the very least, make you feel confident that women like you enough to date you:

Anytime a woman gives you her number, she's basically saying "I see you as a potential suitor, and you have a shot." It may not seem like it, and she may give you the number like it's no big deal... but it's a BIG deal.

So, when you're out there meeting girls, talking, having a good time... and you ASK them for the number, and they give it to you... be confident that she found you attractive enough to give you the number. Even if it ends up not working out, just the fact that girls are giving you their numbers mean, on some conscious or sub-conscious level, they think you have potential. There's other things you can learn to escalate that feeling in them, but in terms of confidence, just getting the number is a victory in and of itself.

Small steps make for big leaps later. Hope this helps!

 

[JohnChops]

The best general confidence tip i can give you is to get good at something.

It could be your career/profession or some interest like martial arts, dance, musical instrument, a sport, etc.

Then you'll feel like you have something most people you meet (including women) don't have.

Mhm.... this. For me its guitar, my knowledge, computers, and lifting. Yeah you may think that last one isnt anything to be "proud" of but youd be surprised at how many people asked me to train with them because I got my results (yay science! ) and they arent getting sh1t.

I say to have genuine confidence you just need to feel good about yourself. For example, doing well in school, you can keep reassuring yourself of your achievements. Plus it feels good to do well in something hence where mike is coming from with the "get good at something" ordeal.

 

[Dryden]

Espi, I hear you.

Thing is, smiling at a girl and looking her in the eye and saying hi with the intent of making conversation is way beyond what I can do.

So I went up to the dating site Badoo where the general way of meeting people is to start random chats with them. I have always been scared of doing that, hence not liking the site. So I started searching for girls in the area that were online at that moment, and anyone interesting enough I would send a chat message.

I guess I came across as quite needy (I don't think smiling on a chat along with your opening message is very smart) but two girls read my message and didn't reply, two more girls haven't yet read it, and then I hit the daily limit, apparently you can only open 5 new chats per day. So I'm yet going to do my fifth.

It may not seem like much, but this is nerve-wrecking to me. Maybe if I keep this up for a while, I'll get over this type of rejection.

I'm not so much afraid of a girl not responding to me, I'm more afraid of a girl responding to me and then me being a total weakling.

Next step could be that cam site where you are paired with random strangers and have to instant webcam chat with them for 10 seconds before whatever. When my brain can handle it.

 

[Dryden]

Nvm

 

[pdx1138]

#2 and #3 are currently not possible although I see their value. My situation is currently below the line where these things become possible.
.

2 and 3 will get you there quickest, at least that was my experience.

Looking good and dressing well are highly empowering on their own.

It was all I needed.

 

[evan12]

1. Talk to more people, not just women but other men too. Talk about anything and everything that comes up. Be enthusiastic about one or other point, develop your own view on things and present it in a coherent manner. This will make you better at communicating with people AND women.

this is best advise , most of confidant people are social and talk to many people .

 

[Ronaldo7]

You sound like you couldn't even possibly say your name to a woman and hold eye contact.

I consider myself very, very confident. You need to understand that the way you are feeling is just a state of mind. The posts that you have made are very downbeat and despective towards yourself. You need to think that no one is above you and you are simply better. If you think everyone is above you and you are just a nobody, it will become a reality. Thoughts become words and words become actions. When you are going to do something, what goes through your mind? Do you think that you are going to make it or do you simply think you are going to do ok? Image plays a big role in how you view yourself too. Get a new haircut, go to the gym, buy new clothes, and change your lifestyle. However, your attitude in how you view everything is key. You need to tell you are better until you start believing its true. When you walk into a room, you need to exude how much better you are than everyone in it. People will view you different and certainly not like a loser. They will wonder who you are and what you represent. It's all the way you think/view yourself that people will duly reciprocate towards. If people see you have no self-esteem, they will take advantage and step all over you. They will hold no value or any regard to you. If they see you are better, they will duly take their place and sit down. Establish the boundary and people won't cross it. It's all a state of mind, my friend. The mind achieves what the mind wants to achieve. You are only typing this though. If you reset your mind to what you want it to be, you will achieve wonderful things.

 

[Dryden]

I'm the kind of guy who would easily walk up to a girl I knew I had some match with and effortlessly start convo. These girls are rare though and the places where they gather are few. There has been only one venue (student's club) where I could easily meet girls. In all other places my 'social value' has been too low for me to have any chance. Needless to say I haven't much attempted anything either in those places. When I did, it was not a full-out attempt, but more something that assumed failure and gave the girl a lot of room to turn away, so to speak. Not sure if that matters.

It's the girls that I know (think) I have no match with, that I don't dare approach. Unfortunately that is most girls and the place where I live don't help either. I'm living close to where I was raised and during the 18 years that I lived there I have never had any girl nor did I have any female friends. That all changed as I went to university. In the place where I live the distance between myself and girls is much greater than when I was at university. The same applies to guys. I have little to no friends here. So to a girl here, I'm most definitely a 'social liability'.

Funny thing is my friends always think I'm not shy and that I'm socially strong, but that is just because I'm socially strong with them.

I purchased a course sometime ago from a guy called Eric Edgemont who was basically in the same position, he needed action and so he forced himself to approach a girl sitting at a table in a library. The girl turned him away after a few sentences but he came away with a powerful experience. After that things became much easier for him. It was the first step that was by far the hardest.

For some reason I find it much harder to do such a thing in my native language than it would be in English, as if my life experiences in this country have taught me my lack of worth whereas in another cultural domain I feel liberated. Remember, the village where I was raised I only had bad experiences and it's the very place where my social value is the lowest.

I remember sitting drunk in a bar next to a pretty girl - I was really drunk - and being completely frustrated that I was unable to start a chat with that girl even then. She could feel my frustration.

(There is a friend of ours that is a total natural who also didn't score any girls in that home town but who got a new girl every week when he went outside. The girls of the home town don't get it, the girls in that circle of friends don't get it. They don't see him as attractive. Yet he can walk up to any girl he likes and kiss her when he's out of town. I've seen him do it. I was shocked that in the 5 seconds that I wasn't watching, he approached a girl he hadn't talked to and was kissing her by the time I had turned my head back around. I never knew what he was scheming lol. His exploits are a frequent topic of debate among those friends and nobody quite gets it and he can't explain it. "It's easy" he will say.)

Just saying that circumstances are not in my favour, but even if they were I'd still have to overcome challenges so it doesn't really change much... I think. My perceived value is just very low here.

I'm taking the advice to think quietly that I'm better than all of you (as in the whole world) and I can feel it changing the way I feel. Long way to go, but I can work on that.

I'll get a new haircut some time around. When I was a student I would go and sit as a model and they would just give me whatever haircut they liked and it was always cool to see the reactions by other ppl (girls) like "omg he looks like a beatle!" I definitely felt more confident due to that. My clothes have always been shabby, for some reason I hesitate to wear what everyone is wearing. I have a friend who could in due time help me with that (he is a hair stylist himself). I never find any clothes I like. Until I do. Maybe I should just try wearing what everyone is wearing for a change lol. Feel totally uncomfortable.

I have long hair (I tend to think I could look a bit like that Gambler dude) but when I let my aunt cut my hair short suddenly teenage girls in that home town got the hots for me. Just because my hair was like every other boy in that town. Adjust and you'll do well...

Female friend in this town calls me a 'cactus in a desert' - just abiding my time until I start to bloom. Some uncle also recognized a don juan in me some time ago.

And really, I'm not bad with girls. When I was in that student's club I literally had girls gathering around me and I could like pick the one I liked. I even met girls there that lived where I lived but whom I would not have been able to meet where I lived. The venue was crucial. It upped my perceived value tremendously. When I'm in that area in Holland I instantly have better rapport with virtually everyone. People on the street, in the bus, in the train.

Still there would always be girls I wouldn't dare approach...

 

[Dryden]

I'm going through all the missed opportunities of my life that were blatantly obvious but weren't so obvious to me at the time.

"So many missed opportunities"
"I could have grabbed them all"
"But I didn't"

Repeating those lines to myself endlessly until the awareness has kicked in, settled.

Because they WERE great opportunities with cute girls who showed an interest in me, and I didn't act on it. At least 4 times a shot in open goal that I didn't take, not counting all the times that the girl didn't show an obvious interest but I could have acted anyway.

Had I taken those chances, they would have multiplied. So this is the first step: recognise the biggest failures, the easiest challenges, and let it settle in my mind and in my heart that I did miss out on them and they WERE there.