Funniest or most embarassing moment with a new girlfriend

[STR8UP]

I was just watching a movie and it reminded me of some funny and somewhat embarassing moments I had in the beginning of a couple of my past relationships.

One time was on the first night I had invited this chick over to my place. We were sitting in the living room talking, when all of a sudden my roomate's cat walks in the room and proceeds to hock up a hairball right on the carpet. I wanted to kick the damn thing out the front door, but we ended up having a good laugh over it instead.

The other one that comes to mind was also in the early stages of a new relationship. We were at my place and I couldn't remember the name of one of the characters on the tv show Saved By The Bell. My laptop was right there on the coffee table so I grabbed it and Googled "saved by the bell". I clicked on one of the first links that looked to contain the information I was seeking, and lo and behold, I get directed to a PORN site homepage with some pretty graphic pics of monster penises and such. You should have seen the look on her face!

Anyone else?

 

[Heretolearn]

2nd is funny


funny to me
- me, having best friend walk in on me and GF having ***. He then put on all this funny mood music and the like and left to sleep in his car

*really funny as the girl was really sensitive and never talked about sex etc. NOw everytime we hear those songs we crack up

- another time I had a friend staying with me and so my different gf and were not having *** as much because we could not get alone. Got to the point where my friend went for a shower and we had a quickie, anyway we had to stop when he got out of the shower. Comes out and we both have the guiltiest looks on our faces and are trying to hide it by doing normal stuff. He finds the lubricant, says 'nice work guys' in sarcastic manner. We crack up

 

[Heretolearn]

also

Some guys better post some fart stories as we have all had them gentlemen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Kid Quick]

About five years ago I worked just a five minute walk from my home. I didn't drive often as most of the items I needed were within a couple blocks. I had a first date with a girl who worked a couple miles south in the Loop, so I drove to work that day as I was picking her up. I got in my car that morning and picked up a funky smell. It was late July and humid so I figured it was because I hadn't driven in 10 days and the windows hadn't been opened.

After work I got in my car to pick her up. After another 95 degree day the smell intensified. When I picked her up I said that I couldn't understand why the car reeked. We went to a couple places, and when we parked for another she asked "Do you have a dead body in the trunk?". I opened the trunk jokingly to show her there was no corpse. Then I saw a grocery bag with a box full of chicken breasts from a shopping trip ten days ago, and had an "Oh f---" revelation. I threw the package away hoping she wouldn't see any of the maggots that came from 10 days of 90+ heat.

We ended up seeing each other for a couple months. Looking back I should have dated her longer after the smell she put up with.

 

[Bonhomme]

The gal I was dating was a distance runner, and the first time I met her dad, just as I got in the door I rather matter-of-factly said to her: "he's not so fat."

 

[Desdinova]

About 10 years ago, I was dating this girl in high school. I had a car, and I needed to run an errand during lunch hour, so I decided to bring her along. It was raining, and so I turned the windshield wipers on. The steering column started to smoke! And damn, did it ever stink. I had no choice but to roll the window down to let the smoke and stink out of the car. To this day, I still don't know what the hell was smoking.

 

[Colossus]

..top this

True story. This happened to me last year on a date to the movies. It was my first date with this girl, she was rather hot, young (18) and I hadnt dated for a while so I was a little nervous.

I had been experiencing some digestive disturbances that day, due either to my nerves or something I ate. So we're in the movie and I feel the inescapable urge to release the mounting pressure in my colon. I excuse myself thinking I would just go to the bathroom and rip out a few, then return refreshed and comfortable. Instead, while I was standing at the urinal, I squeezed a little too hard and--that's right--I sharted. Im not just talking a litle skid mark, I f*cking sh*t my pants!!!

Without going into too much detail lets just say I returned about 20 minutes later sans my underwear. She didnt say anything, and neither did I. To my knowledge she never found out , but oh man!! Of all the things that could've happened to me....


Another time I was out with a girl when I was like 18...we were at denny's or something and I ripped the loudest fart you've ever heard!!! It was so loud the people at the table in front of us turned around with a look of disgust. I tried to play it off like it was the vinyl covering on the seat, but it was a lame attempt at masking my lack of sphincter control. Surprsingly, she never said anything to me about it.

 

[Sapiens]

Dude,

I was 22 and eager to get some head, we are at the motel and she agrees to give it to me but as soon as I washed up.

I ran to the bathroom and ran the cold water, or so I thought, the handles on the sink were crossed and I burned my **** with the hot water while washing up.

Needless to say I didn't get “any” that day because it was too painful.

-Sapiens

 

[STR8UP]

Oh yea, I almost forgot about the time I went out to dinner with this one chick I was seeing. On the way there I felt a rumble in my bowels. It was painful, but I did a pretty good job of holding it in until we exited the car.

We finally arrive at our destination, much to my relief. I get out of the car, and by the time she grabbed my hand I was ready to bust so I silently release the valve to relieve myself of the awful pressure that was building up in my gut.

Unfortunately, it was one of those rotten milk style farts that nearly makes you gag and follows you around for about five minutes. I didn't say anything about it, and neither did she, but I'm sure it's still one of those stories she tells her friends when the "bad date" subject comes up, lol!

 

[KarmaSutra]

Mother of all sharting stories!

Ok here it is:

I used to have a job delivering hospice meds to cancer patients. Well, said job would keep me out 18 sometimes 20 hours a day so I would take my (then) gf, whom I've affectionatley named Pig. Anyway I had a delivery to make from Sebring to Spring hill which is about a 3 and a half hour trek through central Florida. We stop at a li'l mexican place in Wimauma (it's a real sh!t hole town) and grab a couple of "authentic" tacos to go. Done eating and 40 minutes later or so Pig starts to squirm in her seat and shift around. I can see something is wrong but being how she was more of a caretaker to my dogs , I don't really give a sh!t. She's now sweating and irratically breathing. Somethings amiss. Finally I bite the hook and ask her what the fvck her problem is. She tells me her tummy is messed up and needs to find a toilet really soon. At this point we're 30 minutes to my house and I knew this was the opportune moment to have some fun . I start to take the long way home instead of I-4 which is having a dramatic effect on her bowels. God bless Pig cuz she was holding it with all she had. I was no help reminding her how much it hurts to hold it in and how bad she's cramping and then . . .

. . .She starts crying. And the smell hit me like a baseball bat covered in diarhhea. Now I'm pissed and start berating her for losing it. I'm now back on I-4 flying home cuz the b!tch is going nutts with shame and prolly wants to kill me. We pull into the driveway and she gets out and start to waddle towards the back door (pun intended :crackup: ) Pig gets to the gate and just inside I scream "STOP!" She stops dead in her feet and I say "strip down to your bare ass and spread your cheeks." Then I grabbed the water hose with the jet fixture and get to spraying.

Funny Postscript to this story is the b!tch was not pissed at me the next day. Her Mom was furious and I couldn't stop laughing . . .

 

[Heretolearn]

Re: Mother of all sharting stories!

Originally posted by KarmaSutra
Ok here it is:

I used to have a job delivering hospice meds to cancer patients. Well, said job would keep me out 18 sometimes 20 hours a day so I would take my (then) gf, whom I've affectionatley named Pig. Anyway I had a delivery to make from Sebring to Spring hill which is about a 3 and a half hour trek through central Florida. We stop at a li'l mexican place in Wimauma (it's a real sh!t hole town) and grab a couple of "authentic" tacos to go. Done eating and 40 minutes later or so Pig starts to squirm in her seat and shift around. I can see something is wrong but being how she was more of a caretaker to my dogs , I don't really give a sh!t. She's now sweating and irratically breathing. Somethings amiss. Finally I bite the hook and ask her what the fvck her problem is. She tells me her tummy is messed up and needs to find a toilet really soon. At this point we're 30 minutes to my house and I knew this was the opportune moment to have some fun . I start to take the long way home instead of I-4 which is having a dramatic effect on her bowels. God bless Pig cuz she was holding it with all she had. I was no help reminding her how much it hurts to hold it in and how bad she's cramping and then . . .

. . .She starts crying. And the smell hit me like a baseball bat covered in diarhhea. Now I'm pissed and start berating her for losing it. I'm now back on I-4 flying home cuz the b!tch is going nutts with shame and prolly wants to kill me. We pull into the driveway and she gets out and start to waddle towards the back door (pun intended :crackup: ) Pig gets to the gate and just inside I scream "STOP!" She stops dead in her feet and I say "strip down to your bare ass and spread your cheeks." Then I grabbed the water hose with the jet fixture and get to spraying.

Funny Postscript to this story is the b!tch was not pissed at me the next day. Her Mom was furious and I couldn't stop laughing . . .

no way!

You are #&*(&## evil!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[KarmaSutra]

Re: Re: Mother of all sharting stories!

Originally posted by yendor28
no way!

You are #&*(&## evil!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every word is true. I laughed my arse off writing it and recalling the whole thing!

 

[Heretolearn]

Re: Re: Re: Mother of all sharting stories!

Originally posted by KarmaSutra
Every word is true. I laughed my arse off writing it and recalling the whole thing!

tell some other ones now you evil soul!

 

[El MonoLoco]

i got a good one......


I was seeing this one girl a couple of years ago who had this little rat like terrier dog. I mean this thing was small as a cat. Annoying little thing I swear the thing would never shut up....anyway....

I'm bangin her doggy style in her living room on one of those hide a bed things. Then out of the blue her little f*ckin dog comes and sits right under my balls. I swear it was the weirdest thing ever. I thought it was her at first, but then I could feel the hair and jumped up scream "what the hell!!!"<<<not in those words. The little bastard was sitting with his back turned to me getting tea bagged in the head?

We tried putting him in another room but noooooo, not 5 min later he was back under my balls the little sh*t. I started laughing so hard I couldn't finish. I just fell on the floor, then she kicked the dog outside finally.

We never let him back in the house when we were going to go at it again.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Originally posted by El MonoLoco
iThen out of the blue her little f*ckin dog comes and sits right under my balls. I swear it was the weirdest thing ever. I thought it was her at first, but then I could feel the hair and jumped up scream "what the hell!!!"<<<not in those words. The little bastard was sitting with his back turned to me getting tea bagged in the head?

I just fvckin' snorted my protein shake all over the place :rockon:

Teabaggin' a dog is probably the funniest goddamned thing I've ever had stuck-broken record style- in my goddamned noggin'!

Even I can't top that brother.

 

[El MonoLoco]

Ok Ok Ok since you liked that one so much I got another one.....


When I was 21 I was seeing this chick who worked at one of the local bars. She was 26 at the time.....he he he lucky me an older chick.....anyway.....

We're gettin it on in her living room in the middle of the day, must have been around 2 or 3 in the afternoon.....wow I just realized how much I like f*ckin in living rooms instead of the bedroom.....sorry about the tangent.....again I'm doin her doggy style and I get her worked up into quite a frenzy...she's moanin and groanin like all girls do when they are gettin it real good.....but then she starts screaminm....I don't mean just raising her voice.....I mean SCREAMING......it was soooooooooo loud. I was getting a huge kick out of. Really I couldn't tell if she was fakin all the noise or what because some time previously I had mentioned to her that it really turned me on when chicks screamed while having sex....but she came soooo hard.

When she started belting out
"come on harder", "oh yea", "give it to me" etc, etc..... I had a smile literally from ear to ear. It hurt to smile so big. I don't know how I finished. I'm also glad she wasn't looking at me at the time. Not only would it have been loud but the grin on my face must have looked so funny she probably would have started laughing and neither of us would have been able to continue.....

It got better when we were done and realized that the sliding glass door to her balcony was WIDE open. Her neighbors must have really enjoyed hearing my name over and over again.....

I know one guy did cause when I left he was chukling and gave me the big thumbs up as I left.....he lived just across the way from her....

alas that relationship didn't go anywhere cause I was "too young" for her she needed someone more mature and all "I wanted to do was f*ck" which was true so oh well you win some you lose some.


I got more if yall want to hear um.....


PS. Karma

Then I grabbed the water hose with the jet fixture and get to spraying

that's funny:crackup:

 

[STR8UP]

Good stuff fellas :crackup:

 

[Medic]

When I was in the Marines I came home for Xmas and went to dinner at a former gf's house. We hung until everyone headed to bed wanting to fool around a bit. While we're killing fime in the family room I saw a basket of chestnuts and thought "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" that would be some romantic sh!t. I line half a dozen up near the coals in the fireplace, watched for a minute and promptly forgot about them.

Well, about thirty minutes later we were into some really serious petting with the clothes starting to come off when, out of the f'ing blue - kabaam! kabaam!! Two of the chestnuts expoded! I could have roasted shotgun shells and not gotten a bigger bang. Imagine a popcorn kernel the size of a golf ball and you'll get the idea.

Needless to say, the **** hit the fan. I was trying to button up, find her bra, and get the rest of those SOBs out of the fire all at the same time. Her dad, looking like Hulk Hogan, flies into the room in his boxers ready to defend his home, mom's screaming her head off from the bedroom, and three little brothers pile in to see what's going on.

Luckily, the girl gained a second to finish dressing when the third chestnut goes off blowing burning coals out onto the carpet in a pyrotechnic display worthy of hollywood. I was trying to help dad get the coals off the carpet while holding my jeans up with one hand.

Let me tell you, there was some serious explaining to do before I got out of there without my balls roasting on the fire.

To this day, I can't hear that stupid song without laughing.

Medic

 

[KarmaSutra]

Flaming nuts are a great visual for the holidays!:crackup:

 

[Heretolearn]

Originally posted by Medic
When I was in the Marines I came home for Xmas and went to dinner at a former gf's house. We hung until everyone headed to bed wanting to fool around a bit. While we're killing fime in the family room I saw a basket of chestnuts and thought "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" that would be some romantic sh!t. I line half a dozen up near the coals in the fireplace, watched for a minute and promptly forgot about them.

Well, about thirty minutes later we were into some really serious petting with the clothes starting to come off when, out of the f'ing blue - kabaam! kabaam!! Two of the chestnuts expoded! I could have roasted shotgun shells and not gotten a bigger bang. Imagine a popcorn kernel the size of a golf ball and you'll get the idea.

Needless to say, the **** hit the fan. I was trying to button up, find her bra, and get the rest of those SOBs out of the fire all at the same time. Her dad, looking like Hulk Hogan, flies into the room in his boxers ready to defend his home, mom's screaming her head off from the bedroom, and three little brothers pile in to see what's going on.

Luckily, the girl gained a second to finish dressing when the third chestnut goes off blowing burning coals out onto the carpet in a pyrotechnic display worthy of hollywood. I was trying to help dad get the coals off the carpet while holding my jeans up with one hand.

Let me tell you, there was some serious explaining to do before I got out of there without my balls roasting on the fire.

To this day, I can't hear that stupid song without laughing.

Medic

nice!:crackup: