From sex to friends in a few easy steps?!

[Non Juan]

First off, I'd like to say hi to everyone here on the boards. I've been browsing these forums for about a year and reading about the crazy inner world of male/female interaction for about twice that. And I can tell you all with 100% conviction that it's really helped me to pull away the veil of illusion that I had over my beliefs, and start working with the reality of what really confronts us when it comes to women.

It's a big F'king job though ey!.. But I guess as these boards prove, if you can turn it all into an exciting journey, and a quest for nothing more than an ever evolving interconnection of knowledge and experiences, then it ain't so bad!

I have a current area of confusion... I'm going to post on it very vaguely and then if anyone wants me to elaborate on anything then I will. I think it's a better idea than a 20 page rant which will inevitably have big chunks of important information missing!

Ok, so very basicly this is how it went:

I meet this girl in a club, lets call her Lucy. I play hard to get and shes all over me so we go back to hers and have sex. The whole of the next day we spend in bed getting to know each other and being intimate etc.

I don't text her for a good 4 days, then out of the blue she texts me saying she doesn't really fancy me that much but would love to still be friends with me. I thought that if a girl wasn't interested in me then she wouldn't text, especially off her own back. So I saw it as a pre emptive dump - she felt she was going to be rejected and so rejected me first. So I told her to shut up, that i really liked her, and to meet me for drinks.

She did! And the same turn of events unfolded again. And for 2 more weeks after that! So we had 4 weekly sex sessions, and each was followed by a whole day in bed together.

Sounds pretty good huh? A nice easy no strings fun time with a cool girl!

Well she wanted to meet me tonight, but to 'talk to me'. I demanded to know what it was about (I thought 1 of 4 things: pregnant, STD, wanted more, wanted nothing more). I was right. she wanted to end what we were doing! But she really really likes me as a person and still wants to meet me and hang out with me, but the bottom line is she doesn't want sex anymore (although she didn't explicitly say that. But they never do, do they!). She doesn't feel it going anywhere and she gave it a try and it isn't happening for her.

Lets face it though, if she was willing to do 4 weeks of this then she must have liked me quite a lot. So somewhere along the line I messed up. I mean if I was a sexual tyrannosaurus with amazing wit, charm and intelligence, then why the hell wouldn't she want to keep it going?

I did something wrong!

Has anyone else had experience with this type of behavior? I'm sure it's my fault because a very similar thing has happened in the past with me. And I'm worried that it could become a feature of my dating life if I don't work out what the problem area is.

Like I say this is pretty vague and I obviously have a much richer story, and more of an understanding of the events between us than I have explained. If anyone wants to try and help me dig to the bottom of this then that'd be cool, just ask me anything.

Any advice, tips, similar experiences, plain old reality slap in the faces would be appreciated!

Cheers!

 

[STR8UP]

Dude....I recently "lost" a casual relationship to a chick who wanted a ring on her finger.

She knew I wasn't gonna be "that guy". So she found that dude, and it was over between us.

Incidentally, I WAS the sexual tyrannosaurus that you speak of (with this particular woman anyway). To this day she talks openly in our circle of friends how good the sex was. Half jokingly she told several of her friends this as we were all sitting around b.s.ing that they should "try it sometime", and one of them asked "What made it so good". She said "I don't know, there were about a DOZEN different things!" I don't embarrass that easily, but I'm sure my face was red that night.

Point is, sometimes none of that stuff matters with a woman. She's gonna do what she's gonna do according to her agenda.

Don't beat yourself up, just move on.

 

[squirrels]

I did something wrong!

No you didn't. You might've done something that pushed one of her "buttons"...I've done that before. Casually blown off something she said, or tried to do something that ran counter to what her idea of the relationship would be.

Or maybe she just wasn't that into you, and enjoyed the sex for what it was, then dumped you. Maybe she had a boyfriend for all you know.

Don't stump yourself trying to figure it out. Usually if you did something obvious that freaked her out or turned her off, you'd know it. Subtle things, you're not gonna know about until it's too late. But stressing about it and thinking, "OMG what did I do wrong?!" is a first-class express ticket to mental self-destruction and depression.

You're fine. Just learn from the experience and catch the next one. It's like bass-fishing. Try to set the hook too soon and you scare them off. Try to set it too late and you're coming back with no bait. There's no science to it...it's an art. The more you interact with women, the more you'll develop a "feel" for it.

 

[DavenJuan]

it never ends just like that...i wouldnt be surprised if you get another phone call/text soon. but dont push it too far. a women scorned is pretty scary..especially if she gets to the point that she wants a relationship

 

[Non Juan]

Cheers, for the replys guys,

I've been thinking about it and I actually now reckon that she really likes me!...

I mean it was me who said right from the start that I didn't have time for anything serious and I can't really do with relationships anyway.

So i'm seeing her on a weekend eve, we're getting drunk, shaggin' back at hers then the next day we're in bed together and i'm a really affectionate person, probably more so than a lot of guys, so I might've come across like I wanted more. But then i'd go that evening and we'd maybe text a little bit before the same thing happened next week. I didn't ever really invite her out to see me, or to do something during the day, it was always at night, drink, sex, lie in bed, home. So I guess from her perspective it might've seemed that I was using her for sex to some extent, so she called it off before she got too attached. And to see how i'd react, to judge how much I really liked her.

I mean the text she sent me told the opposite story, as in she said she would never be able to fully commit to 'me', she didn't think it was fair on 'me', and she didn't want to feel like she was leading 'me' on(?!).

Personally though, I think it's a girly type of manoeuver to spin the whole thing around so she gets out clean - Rather than saying she wants more from me, but i'm not willing to give her it so she's calling it off. She makes it look like it's me who is wanting the commitment but she isn't feeling it going anywhere so she's ending it. Quite clever really. Anyone agree with me on this one, or do you reckon women say what they actually mean?

I spoke to her on the phone about it and my instinct tells me she still really likes me, I mean she kept sighing pathetically and she couldn't really verbalise what she was thinking. I just told her i'd go find someone else to do it with then and that i'd see her in future after coming to terms with our new non-sexual friendship!

I'm going to bet my right testicle though, that if we meet out at a club again sometime (she still wants to me mates), then we will end up getting sexual and it will all happen again.

Mind you, it's probably common for a male to rethink a rejection into a girls vie for something more serious. The male ego can be a dangerous thing when it comes to love. That's what my right testicle is telling me anyway.

Daven Juan, I think you could be right about getting a call or text off her sometime soon! But what did you mean by - 'but dont push it too far. a women scorned is pretty scary..especially if she gets to the point that she wants a relationship.'?

Cheers!

 

[mintxx]

Point is, sometimes none of that stuff matters with a woman. She's gonna do what she's gonna do according to her agenda.

Don't beat yourself up, just move on.

Take those words to heart for they are the truth

 

[joekerr31]

she is either pulling a power move - ie. hoping you turn into a wimpering AFC and beg her to keep seeing you. OR. she's met another guy(s).

i suspect the latter.

women don't just get tired of f*cking a guy. if she was in to you enough to f*ck you 4 times, trust me, she's going to keep f*cking you. if she's unhappy she'll bring drama into the relationship to keep herself interested.

the only time a chic will cold dump your *ss is if she's got another guy lined up.

if she hits a dry spell she might call you back up. but given this chic is a club chic, odds are this is her modus operandi. she picks up a guy she likes, does the sex and relationship thing, then moves on to the next.

i've actually had women tell me that they love the first time they sleep with a guy, that bond / connection etc. some of them, after a few weeks with a guy, simply get bored and need a new shiny toy.

 

[Phyzzle]

I don't think you were rejected at all.

I mean it was me who said right from the start that I didn't have time for anything serious and I can't really do with relationships anyway.

You didn't want a relationship, and so now you don't have one. Problem solved.

I think you did one thing slightly wrong: in the future you need to keep your options open. That first time in bed with this girl, you should have said NOTHING about relationships. "I barely know you" should be your stock response. "We'll think about all that when we've known each other longer."

It seems that you (both of you) dismissed all possibility of a relationship out of hand pretty quickly, so now she's trying hard to keep her interest level down.

I've had women behave in the same standoffish way when they find out I'm moving out of the country soon.

 

[guru1000]

I think it's quite clear you LIKE this girl. Otherwise you wouldn't sweat it. But ask yourself this "Do I like her because she is what I am looking for or do I like her because she dumped me?"

I suspect you like her more now that she pulled this power move on you.

I would have handled the situation a little different. I would be spinning plates first off therefore "devaluing" this girl. When she comes to me with LJBF, i would say "Sure , i would love to be just friends with you, Let's do dinner on friday as friends". Next time you see her, just bang her again as if nothing happened. She'll hate herself for it and wonder why she can't emotionally get to you. That would make her attraction grow. Fight fire with fire.

If her LJBF meant no hanging out i would just reply with "Well friends do dinner, so let me chew on it." and Next. Either way you win.

 

[ketostix]

Cheers, for the replys guys,

I've been thinking about it and I actually now reckon that she really likes me!...

I mean it was me who said right from the start that I didn't have time for anything serious and I can't really do with relationships anyway.

So i'm seeing her on a weekend eve, we're getting drunk, shaggin' back at hers then the next day we're in bed together and i'm a really affectionate person, probably more so than a lot of guys, so I might've come across like I wanted more. But then i'd go that evening and we'd maybe text a little bit before the same thing happened next week. I didn't ever really invite her out to see me, or to do something during the day, it was always at night, drink, sex, lie in bed, home. So I guess from her perspective it might've seemed that I was using her for sex to some extent, so she called it off before she got too attached. And to see how i'd react, to judge how much I really liked her.

I mean the text she sent me told the opposite story, as in she said she would never be able to fully commit to 'me', she didn't think it was fair on 'me', and she didn't want to feel like she was leading 'me' on(?!).

Personally though, I think it's a girly type of manoeuver to spin the whole thing around so she gets out clean - Rather than saying she wants more from me, but i'm not willing to give her it so she's calling it off. She makes it look like it's me who is wanting the commitment but she isn't feeling it going anywhere so she's ending it. Quite clever really. Anyone agree with me on this one, or do you reckon women say what they actually mean?

I spoke to her on the phone about it and my instinct tells me she still really likes me, I mean she kept sighing pathetically and she couldn't really verbalise what she was thinking. I just told her i'd go find someone else to do it with then and that i'd see her in future after coming to terms with our new non-sexual friendship!

I'm going to bet my right testicle though, that if we meet out at a club again sometime (she still wants to me mates), then we will end up getting sexual and it will all happen again.

Mind you, it's probably common for a male to rethink a rejection into a girls vie for something more serious. The male ego can be a dangerous thing when it comes to love. That's what my right testicle is telling me anyway.

Daven Juan, I think you could be right about getting a call or text off her sometime soon! But what did you mean by - 'but dont push it too far. a women scorned is pretty scary..especially if she gets to the point that she wants a relationship.'?

Cheers!

I have experienced this more than once. I agree with your analysis. "I didn't ever really invite her out to see me, or to do something during the day, it was always at night, drink, sex, lie in bed, home." Her agenda is she wants power in the "relationship". Even though you're getting the same thing she's getting, in females' silly minds they think the guy is taking an advantage and women can't stand for that. She wants you to see her more than once a week, go out during the day, even hang out and not end up having sex etc. Otherwise she probably is thinking you're getting what you want without doing all the rest of the workload she wants to place on you. The problem is though if you really don't want to hang out with her more and take her places, but you do it just to appease her and keep the sex coming then you would be letting her make you into her little AFC.

She's basically playing games and doing the classic thing women do, trying to trade her sex for a relationship. That's not a fair trade for you if you don't want a relationship with her for whatever reasons, such as, she's not relationship material

 

[Non Juan]

Yo, it's really cool to have responses from people who are actually experienced with women! It's so hard to find in the outside world for the most part. Guys suck at giving advice when it comes to women, because most of them don't have a clue about women. Like a few of my mates have become really pissed off with my recent 'despicable' behavior around women... ie: I'm touchy feely as i'm talking to them, maybe a slight stroke on the arm or waist. They see it as really wrong and out of order to be overt in showing sexual attraction towards them. I would be happy to take their advice, if they weren't completely useless with women themselves! I mean sure, everyone has different styles, but touching a woman early in an interaction, in a playful manner can hardly be considered morally wrong?! Yes, not all women react well to it, but not all women react well to reserved guys. It works both ways, not everyones going to like you, and i'm currently on a learning curve which will have inevitable hard lessons through making mistakes, but at least i've got the balls to make the mistakes to find an effective ground to work from! Don't Y'all agree, or am I a sleazy sex pest?

Back to this girl though, while I didn't want a relationship, I really did want to remain fvck buddies and to keep on having fun together for a hell of a lot longer! She's a lovely girl but I value my independence and freedom too much, and due to not having a girlfriend in a looong time, I have become incredibly fussy about who I would enter into a relationship with. So I was trying to keep it light, fun and sexual.

She never explicitly mentioned not wanting anything serious, nor wanting more from me. But cracks did start appearing that I should have patched up.. like her asking 'why will you only come out and meet me so late at night?', and trying to change plans so it was me & her going out with her mates instead of just the two of us, but I said no, so she agreed. Also, out of the blue, whilst lying in bed, she once said 'do you think I have issues?' I thought it was a weird question but looking back maybe it all links in with the notion that she was probing me as to why I wasn't seeming to want more, albeit subtly.

Throughout all the time we spent together, I never felt the energy levels drop between us, not at the beginning and not at the end. So i'm pretty damn sure she still likes me but is getting out to save her feelings/pride, whatever.

And since I was extremely blunt with her over the phone, which i think came across as 'no sex, no friendship'... i'm gonna text her, let her know that I really like her as a person and would love to remain friends. Then i'll no doubt see her out and about and see what happens between us. Might as well not burn my bridges and keep my options open hey?!

 

[st_99]

Same thing happened to me. Ironically, it lasted about 4 weeks also. She still wanted to keep in touch and hang out here and there but the sex was done.

Basically, I just chalked it up to: she just wasn't that into me. We really were not very compatible. It happens.

 

[Valdez]

sounds to me as if she just wanted you two to get together already but didn't want to be the person whom brings it up. I've been in that situation plenty of times, there are several ways you can prolong the f*ckin but inevitably if you don't get with her exclusively you can't expect her to continue to do this.

 

[AfRoSwiss-Disiac]

Put it this way a casual relationship will always be casual..You cant expect it to last long or even turn it into a relationship eventually tou both would get bored of each other!! now stop posting on here and go sarge!! NOW!!