From Rabbit to Nun, what happened?

[logicallefty]

My GF and I were having some regular and awesome sex. In fact, she is 27 and said I was the first time she had ever got off with a guy, something she had written off as never possibe. I was feeling like top dog.. :-D

Then, she moved in with me earlier this month and sense then, she hasn't been in the mood. What is freakin me out is she has given me the WIERDEST excuses like 1)my mom and dad think I am still a virgin, I feel like i am betraying them if we do it 2) My stomach just started hurting and thats God trying to tell me that premarital sex is wrong 3) I need to take a shower first and dont feel like it right now.. I asked her if she was suddenly unattracted to me and she said thats not true, she "just needs to figure herself out"

We did setup a bedroom for her that she intended on never using, it was only to apease here parents who dont agree with her living here. The other night I told her that until she "figured herself out", she could just go ahead and sleep in it..

I am trying to decide on if I:

1) dump her and send her packing

2) call her bluff and say "ok, no sex until marriage, I had a talk with a pastor guy I know from a long time ago and he thought that was the right thing too (which is total BS, I'm about as unreligions as it gets)

3) tell her that if she isnt going to meet my sexual needs, I will go back to my "friend with benefits" that I used to see before I started dating her. so tell the GF she can still be my GF but I will just get my sexual needs taken care of somewhere else.

Interesting one, isn't it??? Any advise??????

 

[whistler]

Make it clear that you need sex.

Then ask her what's up, and be sincere about it.

If she can't give you at least a minimally satisfactory answer, tell her you can't live with someone who can't communicate. Then follow up if she still pulls crap.

Whatever you do, if you're at all serious about her (and you should be considering she's living with you ), don't guilt her into having sex to stay together. You might as well throw out the relationship at that point.

 

[logicallefty]

Thanks Whistler, response very much apprecaited...

I am serious about her actually. I love her deeply and think all the time about how much of a long term she could be. I just wish I understood what her deal was, so SUDDENLY.. Is it that she feels that sense she has moved in now, she's comfortable, and doesn't need to do her part anymore?

Doing without the sex would be easier for me than dealing with the flakeyness; the flakeyness is the harder of the 2 evils for me. I love her enough to at least try and give her a chance if she is truely having "deep woman problems" all the sudden, I know women do that sometimes. But on the other hand, I have never had any problem getting sex (until her) before and so yeah I COULD do without it if I really had to, but why should I have to??? I shouldn't, should I? I have my sources.

I just wish I could politely convince her that yeah I love her, yeah I am thinking about us very long term, and so is she, but she needs to bite the bullet and do her part.. She either needs to figure it out, or, she needs to tell me she has lead me on all this time and she's not attracted to me , and let us break up now and both get on with our lives and goals.. We both want the same thing, long term; marriage and kids...

I guess I should just have a talk with her and lay it out there.. I'll make sure my pickup truck has pleanty of gas to get her back to her parent's house before I do! ;-)

 

[logicallefty]

Thanks Whistler, response very much apprecaited...

I am serious about her actually. I love her deeply and think all the time about how much of a long term she could be. I just wish I understood what her deal was, so SUDDENLY.. Is it that she feels that sense she has moved in now, she's comfortable, and doesn't need to do her part anymore?

Doing without the sex would be easier for me than dealing with the flakeyness; the flakeyness is the harder of the 2 evils for me. I love her enough to at least try and give her a chance if she is truely having "deep woman problems" all the sudden, I know women do that sometimes. But on the other hand, I have never had any problem getting sex (until her) before and so yeah I COULD do without it if I really had to, but why should I have to??? I shouldn't, should I? I have my sources.

I just wish I could politely convince her that yeah I love her, yeah I am thinking about us very long term, and so is she, but she needs to bite the bullet and do her part.. She either needs to figure it out, or, she needs to tell me she has lead me on all this time and she's not attracted to me , and let us break up now and both get on with our lives and goals.. We both want the same thing, long term; marriage and kids...

I guess I should just have a talk with her and lay it out there.. I'll make sure my pickup truck has pleanty of gas to get her back to her parent's house before I do! ;-)

 

[whistler]

Freezing you out is dramatic and a serious and deliberate move. Sex = intimacy to women. So your relationship has just been downgraded in her mind. You should be thinking "For your sake, I hope you're not trying to manipulate me; because I'll dump you in a heartbeat if you are."

But women are driven by emotions, so this might not be premeditated manipulation. Moving in together + sex equals even more intimacy -- perhaps too much for her to be comfortable with at once. If you want to try the LTR route, you'll need to cautiously extend her some trust, despite the AFC ring that that has to it.


Bottom-line: If you're in an actual relationship, she needs to open up, and soon. Clamming up for days or weeks is unacceptable and portends bad things.

 

[OpenMind]

Your woman has low interest.

 

[logicallefty]

She may very well have low interest now, but she didn't before. I just wish I knew what brought it on so fast..

 

[OpenMind]

You left out some very important details. How long have you been dating? How often did you see her before you moved in together? How often do you call her? My opinion is that her interest level dropped because you stopped being a challenge but your answers should give some insight into the reasons behind her behavior.....

 

[Tyrone Biggums]

Never move in with a woman you don't intend to marry. You just conveyed to her that she's your only source of intimacy (dropped all other plates) and she knows it, too. She knocks it out with you on a regular basis but all of a sudden (after moving in) she wants her parents to know that she is a "good girl"? Please. And seperate bedrooms? OpenMind had it right. A woman who sends mixed messages or confuses has low interest level. Your girlfriend knows that she has you. Just like Rollo Tomassi says: The person in a relationship who needs the other less has the power in the relationship. She obviously has the power. You are being anti-challenge. I would withdraw and eventaully let her know that things aren't working out. Be the first to end the relationship.

 

[logicallefty]

We have been dating only about 5.5 months, actually.. We moved in together because it just worked out that she was finishing up college and was moving back to our home area. It was either go back to her parents, or come here. Her parents/home and my house are fairly close. Honestly I have, or should say had, every intention of proposing if she lived here 5-6-7 months and all went well. It's only been a few weeks, and it aint goin so well.

Anyway, her college was about 50 miles away. While she was down there, we would still see each other 2-3 times a week, and have sex usually 1 night a week but 3-4-5 times during that night. We would usually talk everyday via IM or phone, but not always. And again, sense she moved in here a few weeks ago, we haven't had sex once. We started to one night and that was the time she said her stomach started hurting and she wanted to quit. As for the bedroom, her parents are very religious and conservative and the bedroom was only supposed to be an eyeshow for them.

I think Tyrone hit the nail on the head. She was hinting about moving in for several months prior and I knew I wanted her to, but for at least a couple months I pretended like I wasnt really sure about it, even though I knew I was. Finally I let her. From then on, it was no longer a challenge. Perhaps I should have kept her going on it for longer ? And then I think she got too comfortable. It's ironic that a guy gets more sex when she's 50 miles away than when she's in the same freakin house.. Life, and chicks, are so strange... lol

 

[ElChoclo]

Moving in is quite different to dating. In some ways it is on par with getting married. Frequently an adjustment needs to be made when people are newly married. BTW, I think from rabbit to nun are misleading similes. This type of woman will never be hot. If you can deal with that fact then fine. If not, abort mission.

If you still feel warm and loving towards her you could rehabilitate her by requiring oral sex every night until she shows contrition. If you can't get even that I could suggest some more extreme measures. But start from basics first.

 

[Tyrone Biggums]

It was either go back to her parents, or come here. Her parents/home and my house are fairly close.

She may be using you or have some other hidden agenda. How is her relationship with her parents? A "good girl" who respects her "religiously conservative" parents doesn't move in with her boyfriend when she could move back with mom and dad.

Honestly I have, or should say had, every intention of proposing if she lived here 5-6-7 months and all went well. It's only been a few weeks, and it aint goin so well.

Your intention to marry her should have been there before she moved in.

We would usually talk everyday via IM or phone, but not always.

You're too available.

As for the bedroom, her parents are very religious and conservative and the bedroom was only supposed to be an eyeshow for them.

If my daughter moved in with her boyfriend it would be hard for me to believe that there wasn't any fukken going on.

She was hinting about moving in for several months prior and I knew I wanted her to, but for at least a couple months I pretended like I wasnt really sure about it, even though I knew I was. Finally I let her. From then on, it was no longer a challenge.

You should have told her that it wasn't a good time at the moment and that you weren't ready. Letting her get her way all the time isn't challenging.

It's ironic that a guy gets more sex when she's 50 miles away than when she's in the same freakin house.. Life, and chicks, are so strange... lol

That's because you are giving your power away. Logic, you have more control in this situation than you think.

 

[Vulpine]

Walk around the house naked. All the time.

Get home, make sure there are no guests, then strip down.

Watch TV Naked.

Cook naked.

(Don't fry bacon naked though, that sux. Actually, wear nothing but an apron.)

Pay your bills naked.

Go to the bathroom, come out with a hard-on and prance and skip around the house yelling: "I'm a pepper, she's a pepper, wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too!?!?"

Stand in front of windows with the shades open like you are deep in thought - naked.

When she asks what is up with all the nakedness, tell her since she's being silly, so are you. But, make sure to do a cartwheel and yell "WEEEEEE!" after you do.
:cheer:

Then, when you catch her looking at your nakedness, ask her:
"You wanna piece 'o this? Well? Do Ya?" but don't wait for a response, just go about your business.

Walk up to random things like the edge of the couch and make like you are doing the couch like a doggy. Make some noises, too! "Oh, you like that?" *smack the couch's azz* "Oh, yeah, oh... oh..."

If you guys are wondering what I'm smoking... think about it: She'll be watching porn all the time! She has to get worked up at some point, right? If she doesn't, sorry to tell ya, she's getting it somewhere else and you are her new girlfriend.

 

[dietzcoi]

Be very, very glad you found out what she was like BEFORE you married her!!

Dietzcoi

 

[MacAvoy]

It was either go back to her parents, or come here. Her parents/home and my house are fairly close.

Tell her things aren't working out and that she needs to move into her parents house. This will accomplish all your goals with little or no damage. Moving home would be easy for her, its close and uncomplicated. Secondly, telling her to get out, will force out the issue. There's obviously an underlying issue which she hasn't made you privy too. By telling her to leave, it says I'm the man, this is my life, you play by my rules or you don't get to play. If she doesn't want to leave, let her know that she can only stay if her behaviour is acceptable, aka giving you all the sex you desire.

ps Whatever you do make sure you don't make this a sex issue cuz if you do, she'll turn it around on you so fast you won't even know what hit you. She'll turn it into your only interested in sex, don't care about me, blah blah, and turn you into the bad guy. Make sure she realizes that she has to communicate with you, make her realize your the man, this is your house and if she wants the pleasure of being in your life, she has to pay a price. Remember you are the prize, make her start realizing that.

 

[WestCoaster]

We have been dating only about 5.5 months, actually..

****************************

That's all I need to know. You don't know if you love her or not at that stage, if you want to spend the rest of her life or not after five months.

Get a grip, and if you're under 30, you should be dating multiple women not having oneitis with a serious flake.

 

[A-Unit]

Re:

These are problems not present in the reality of "dating." I figure it's ok to care for your woman, but to take it to the extreme of dealing with "her problems" is marriage-territory without the rings. Or any perks you might find.

Quite honestly, this is a rhetorical question. You 'wonder' why there's no sex right now, or as frequent. As you make the 'no sex' an issue more and more, less and less of it will occur. To her, it will be on her mind, and you'll both begin to resent each other. Her for the pressure and apparent thought that "you only want sex," and you for her not giving up much sex. If it's simpe, it will fix itself, she'll be over it, but you SHOULD have as much a say in the sex as she does.

A relationship is false when it begins that way, and then the sex stops. I can see the point if she wants to wait since you're just shy of marriage, but you're not. Look at reality, not as reality as we want to see it. It's sort of a damned if you do situation, since the more you press on her without taking action the more she's likely to push away and you'll get less of it.

You could take the American beauty tract...and just stop caring, smoke pot, do your own shyt, and then if she wakes up, push her away. Or, you could just try to be sweet, which to me would signal a power shift, since now you'd be REINFORCING her lack of desire with gifts and a show of affection. Maybe it's because I'm arrogant, or idealistic, or nihilistic, or anything else, but anytime a woman deviates from something TRULY serious to WHY I'm with her, I make it an issue, and then give her a choice, and I choose on my own WHAT I WILL do.

Men have few needs, and if they don't pair up, so what, move on. No reason to cry, but there's no reason to be together either if you're not connecting in that way.

If you decide to stick with her and stop thinking about it, do your own thing. And by do your own thing, get out with the guys 7 days a week. Let her "figure herself out." There's no reason you should live today, your only day of current existence trying to figure her out when she can't figure her out. And to me, that's RED FLAG NUMBER 1 (possibly number 2), that says she's questioning the relationship, and maybe her move in.

-----------------

There's 2 sides to every coin. In this case, the negative side of the coin, the ISSUE of LACK OF SEX will plague and carry out, as long as you FOCUS on the WHY's of it. Focus on that and it's all negative. And it will spiral out of control. It's happened to me before. Anytime I was having a series of constant fights with a woman, the more we tried WORKING on them, the more of them occurred, because ALL we focused on was something long gone. We weren't focusing on MAKING today great, on having great memories, and creating a better tomorrow. Which is the point. If you begin now as a series of great days, then when they add up you have a great relationship. Yet, if you constantly make issues each day, and look at them that way, then what will you eventually have? Nothing. A series of bad days, and eventually the enlightment to have broken up. Your desire to create today as you see fit will lay the pavement and foundation for what tomorrow brings.

If you choose to stick with her, then focus on making positive days, that will yield a series of positive emotions in her going forward. But keep in mind, you don't want to reinforce any bad behaviors.

If you choose to end it, be friends move on, and be firm. Good luck.


A-Unit

 

[WestCoaster]

All I know is anytime you have to force the issue with a woman, whether it's for sex, trying to get her to be nice to you, etc., it's not worth it. A relationship -- at least a good one -- should be a natural thing that move smoothly.

After five months I would classify this gal as a fb with issues, or almost a girlfriend. Most here are over-analyzing. Actually he has a few very simple options:

1. Date others including her or excluding her. If you're under 30, you should not be focused on one person.

2. Leave her -- easier said and done, but the habits and traits they are exhibiting now will only be accentuated when married or engaged.


The initial poster has put her into a "special" categoy, acting like she's the only one or is unique. Nah. She's the woman of the moment. You can literally fall in love with millions of women on this earth, whether you decided to stick with one is up to timing and where you're at in life and where the woman is at. It's all a crapshoot and frankly, he should be dating and screwing others.

 

[Desdinova]

Excellent post, A-Unit - and very true.

Logicallefty, you've got a number of things going against you here. First, you're being c0ckblocked by god. Second, you're being c0ckblocked by her parents.

Even though all this c0ckblocking's going on, she's living with you. Her parents won't believe her for a second that she's not fvcking you, so that excuse is out the window. Also, god knows that she's fvcked you, so his opinion doesn't really matter.

she "just needs to figure herself out"

This is a common phrase women use when they're no longer interested in the man they're involved with. Her IL is low. Time to kick her out of your place. You're only a roommate, and she's living there for convenience.

We have been dating only about 5.5 months

You're barely in a LTR. Be thankful that her name isn't on anything (or is it?) Getting financially involved with a woman who doesn't love you is a recipe for trouble. Kick her out before you get used to having her around.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #2:
NEVER, under any circumstance move in with, or allow a woman to move in with you, who you aren't engaged to.

When you live with a woman you are cementing your station with that person in the real world, not the dating world. This means two things; First you are now contractually bound to maintain the relationship in order to pay rent (or year-long leases), utilities, groceries, provide logistical support (like fixing the car, helping with emergencies and responsibilities, etc.) that would never have previously been an expectation. In otherwords your day to day living becomes predicated on the health of your relationship. You assume liabilities and accountabilities (i.e. "checking in") that not only limit your independence, but are characteristic of a married relationship.

Secondly, a man drastically loses control influence in a relationship, since by his aquiescing to a living arrangement he is also contractually agreeing that this woman is his only source of intimacy (see sex). Once a woman loses, or has reduced to within her comfort level, the feminine competition anxiety by his agreeing to her exclusively providing him with his sexual needs, she relaxes and sets the frame to which he'll play in the relationship. In English this means she gets comfortable in the recognition of knowing you wont be looking for other girls to play with (you did sign a one year leaase with her afterall) at the risk of breaking you lease and ruining your credit rating. Therefore she'll ration out the sexuality as her whims will dictate, comfortable in knowing you're locked in.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #3:
Any woman who makes you wait for sex, or by her actions implies she is making you wait - the sex is NEVER worth the wait.

You are yet another victim of the Bait & Switch method women will use to secure what they think they want - an LTR with good provisioning prospects. I should also add that the woman you describe (27, semi-religious, recent college graduate) is in the prime demographic to use such a tactic. Although you got the "free samples" before you signed the contract, now she is forced to increase the value through scarcity. Only now the tone has changed and she's struggling with Buyer's Regret, and thus we get the "stomach aches", the associated religious family guilt and the convenient superstitions.

I'm also inclined to wonder a few things here: If she's never gotten off with another guy this implies there have been other guys. Was there some associated guilt over these fellas or only YOU. How stable is this girl really? If she was raised under such religious convictions that she would feel guilt caused by her family's perception of your relationship it implies an unhealthy insecurity on her part. She's 27 and transitioning from college life to 'real' life, and from your description is more concerned about her parents judgement - to the point of you both creating the ruse of sleeping in separate beds - than actually coming to terms with how adults behave. By playing house together, but yet playing roomates for her folks you're not acting as adults - this is the behavior I'd expect from high school kids. I'm led to suspect that this "woman" is still using a set of adolescent social skills and hasn't developed a capacity or understanding for how to function like an adult. And by co-habiting with her you are only enabling and reinforcing this. Her turning off the sex spigot is a flaming red flag indicator of this. Just as an aside, this girl's condition is very common place for women raised under strict religious standards. They have a marked tendency to mature only so far as to embrace their sexuality, but never develop (or accept) the mental maturity needed to live as an adult. They essentially become adult children, still harboring anxieties about sex, but still feeling the hormones in their bloodstream.

My advice to you is to get the hell out while you can. No vagina is worth having to figure out a headcase for. The fact that you're dating only 5.5 months just exacerbates your situation. Do yourself and her a favor and send her home to live with mommy & daddy. She needs more work done on herself and you are not her first priority. The amount of time and effort you'll need to get this woman back to true would be far better spent pursuing better prospective women.

As I ask every guy in your situation, follow this 'relationship' to it's logical conclusion - would you really want to spend your lifetime with a woman who's psychological preoccupations trump her sexual desire? Do you really want to involve yourself with a 27 y.o. who needs to become an adult? Do you really have so few options that dealing with the particulars of this relationship are preferable to finding a mature, healthy woman to involve yourself with? Even if this girl could make a psychological turnaround, could you put out of your head that her social fears and superstitious convictions trump her sexual attraction to you? How would you ever know if this was genuinely validated or an effective tool used to put you off?