friends disappearing after finding a relationship

[pyros]

I'm almost 29 and in the last couple of years many of my buddies have gotten into relationships. The thing is that almost all of these guys disappeared after a few months of dating their gfs.
I mean, before this we used to hang out once a week or every two weeks. Now they 'appear' maybe once every two or three or even more months! and when they do they either come just to grab a beer and leave, or have dinner and then leave, no party.

I know other people besides my buddies that do the same thing, once they're in a relationship for a few months they vanish from Earth. They spend all their time with their gfs or bfs. If they had a hobby, they will probably drop it sooner or later.

I dont get it. If you see your girlfriend at least one time during the weekdays, and you see her for sure on Fridays or Saturdays or Sundars or all of these days... why the h-eck do you stop seing your friends?? you see them once every three months? really?

I'm getting to the conclusion that they're not really your friends. It seems it is a team of ppl that get together cause this way they can accomplish their objective: finding a relationship. Once they have it, they no longer keep any interest in hanging out with you.

For me its surprising the number of ppl that act this way, I could say that it is more than 60 %. I've never done this. I've just had a LTR and I keept seing my friends at least once every two weeks, I kept hitting the gym, training martial arts etc, AND I HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY GF as well.

What's your opinion? I really hate it. It makes you think that they were not really your buddies, just temporary allies that used you in a way.

 

[Stugots26]

They are your buddies, but they may have more codependency issues when in relationships than you do. Their relationships will never be as great as the relationships could potentially be, because the guys drop everything (independence, exercise, friends, etc.) that they were engaged in on their own as they get further into the relationships. They lose their personal identities thinking that will make the relationships stronger and healthier, when in fact it has the opposite effect.

The healthiest mindset when it comes to a relationship is, "I'll take care of me for you. You take care of you for me."

What most people end up with is, "I'll take care of you for you. You take care of me for me," or if you're a real cynic about today's quality of women, "I'll take care of you for you. You take care of you for you, too."

Makes me want to: :trouble:

 

[MOTU]

Yea, that's not a healthy sign for the relationship. If you stop doing the things that made you attractive to begin with, she will stop finding you attractive. I think people tend to put way too much into the "we" identity, way too early in a relationship.

This has also been discussed in the thread about it being "nearly impossible" to maintain attraction after six months. You might wanna give that a read.

 

[Who Dares Win]

The things which push people is this world are 3 which are wealth,sex and ego.

Your partner provides you 2 out of 3 no wonder many especially men lose drive to do everything, would you go out clubbing wasting money on drinks, time on long queue to get in and your mental health due some cvnt? of course not.

Regarding them dropping their hobbies, hobbies in many cases are for relax and cut from everyday stress...now you are in thw sofa making out with a girl which is your and dont need any "game" in that moment and sex right after, you still need something to relax?

Sport,hobbies and so on are mostly about improving yourself till you rule, it gratifies your ego, now whats more than someone who choosed you and validates?

So only the wealth remains, I doubt your friends no longer try to get a promotion at work.

I wonder how many here would go "sarging" going after women at malls or gyms or rape their mental health and bodies in club if the role were reversed and it were women to approach and chase men.

Regarding men gathering, in many cases what we call friendships are just goal sharing collaborations, in the lack of a major objective the connections are not that tight.

 

[pyros]

ppl here say that if you're in a relationship and you drop your hobbies, friends etc... and become a couch potato you will loose the girl. Well, the majority of couples I know are couch potatoes both of them after a few months in the relationship and they're happy that way.

This can last years...

In my last and only LTR we used to do a lot of different things, hobbies, trips etc. eventhough sometimes she just wanted to stay at home laying ont he bed. However, as I mentioned above, the majority of couples I know do little. They just spend time together either at home or with some friends having a drink from time to time. End of variety.

I do not plan on dropping my hobbies, friends etc when I find another LTR but it seems is the norm. Its scary... LOL.

 

[K_architect]

I'm very familliar with this... a friend of mine did the same thing he was in a LTR losing friends left and right because he never invested into any social relationships so when they broke up he wanted to hang around, go clubbing etc.

After a few months he gets into a new relationship with an unstable girl, again he drops everything we dont hear from him for weeks untill ofcourse they break up and suddenly he is back.

Its a nice image they create of themselves for other people, i'm dependable and your friend as long a i'm single other then that screw you

 

[LMFAO]

As hard it is to admit it they are not really your friends. I've had a number of friends do exactly the same thing between the age of 27-30.

I had a good friend I thought and we went out a couple of times a week. One day I never heard from him again. He didn't answer phone calls, text messages or anything. I found out on Facebook 8 months later that he's engaged, rightly or wrongly I went to his engagement. So I asked him where he's been he came with excuse after excuse about how his mother was ill and whatever, yet it's clear as fvck to see that that's just a small part of it and not the real reason he couldn't respond even with one word to any text message over 8 months. A hell of a coincidence since he all of a sudden got a girlfriend at exactly the same time. In those cases the guy is just a fvckwit and never really valued your friendship.

Over the longer term in many cases the guys grow out of friendships and they change who they are over time with the woman's influence, especially when the guy is a complete beta. They start having more common friends, and the woman may start to question the single friends he has, and he would drop a number of them with her influence.

 

[Embers84]

I guess they would rather get laid than grab a beer with you.