Friend Needs Saving From Oneitis Over Ex - He Will Read Your Comments

[Nighthawk]

My friend is driving me crazy with his oneitis over his ex. Here is 'Larry's' story.

Larry is intelligent, popular and funny. But romantically, he has been a textbook AFC - waiting for that dream girl, then if he finds one, supplicates, bends over to show what a nice trustworthy guy he is, then gets relegated to the friendzone along with a raging oneitis.

For years, before I found this site, I'd give him DJesque advice about attracting women, and argue with his assumptions about what women wanted, and where he was going wrong. Eventually after reading some SoSuave he had an epiphany, recognised that he was an AFC, and began his recovery.

Soon he had applied some kino to a HB7 (my opinion) at work - 'Jen' - and they are an item.

A few weeks later, and Larry is having second thoughts. Maybe Jen wasn't The One. Maybe she wasn't as hot as he thought. He told her about his doubts, and she flipped out.

She didn't break up with him, but she knew how to get back at him. They went on holiday (to another country), had an argument on the first day, and she stormed off home. Then blamed him for not coming after her.

She went on holiday with her female friend. Afterwards Larry found a thread on the internet by her boasting about the great holiday romance/sex she'd had on vacation. She denied cheating on him, calling him a untrusting bastard, etc, until he showed her her posts. Then the cheating became his fault because he'd been so unsure about her.

But Larry eventually forgave her, or at least made himself forget, and accepted that his uncertainty had been a bad thing, and that he needed to show Jen that he was really sure.

(Though he wasn't. They split up a couple of times because of his uncertainty, and when they were apart he was certain he loved her. Once he had her back, the doubts returned.)

to be continued

 

[Nighthawk]

After a while, Larry and Jen split again, I'm not sure of all the details, but Jen is with another guy pretty quickly. Larry wants her back, and I advise that he needs to spin some plates, make her jealous, act indifferent, etc, or better, genuinely move on and find a girl who isn't a lying, cheating drama queen.

He is aware of the DJ method, but thinks he still needs to convince Jen that she can trust him, so he makes every (non-verbal) effort to show that he is still available to her.

He's trying to remain friends, but is very jealous of the new boyfriend, who works upstairs and keeps coming into the office (they work together, remember) to smooch in front of Larry. He asks her to respect his feelings by not kissing in front of him, but she says she can't stop him and that he should tell him if he's that upset about it.

I tell him he is feeding her need for drama and that she is enjoying making him miserable, but he says she isn't a monster.

One night she spends the night in his bed, behind her boyfriends back. It happens a couple of times when she has one of her periodic bust-ups, but it doesn't last. The last time was six months ago.

Cut to present day. Larry has been in Oneitis Ex Hell for a year now, punctuated by the occasional cause for hope and regular ambushes of disrespect. And now his ex has broken up with her new guy, who she says 'went psycho and punched his fist through a wall when she dropped some ash on his carpet' apparently.

Obviously Larry is hoping that this could be the time that their 'Ross & Rachel on-off romance' is on again, but crushingly Jen is seemingly less interested than ever. Invitations to go out for a drink are ignored or declined. Larry doesn't know what to do.

Like all his friends I have told him it's over, move on, she's no good for you anyway, and he says people always advise that, but it's not that easy, he's not an emotionless robot, and maybe it's all going to magically work out if he can just reassure her he is sure about her.

As I say, Larry knows about this site, but won't read it anymore as it conflicts with the approach he has decided to follow. He will read this thread though, so please use it to give Larry any comments or advice you think he needs.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Hmmm... How can I say this tactfully......

You're driving nuts telling us about Larry's problem, thanks a lot! Let him deal with things his own way, trying to force him into something he's not ready to accept is just going to get you more frustrated (and post more threads like this one). You've done more than enough by telling him about the site. Let him deal with his demons so you can deal with yours and we can deal with ours.

 

[Rastaman]

You've already given him the solution to his mental numbness- he should start spinning plates. The best way to get over a girl is to get other gals under you. If he keeps insisting on not growing up, and letting holy hood dictate his life, please don't let his misery flood into your life. Give him the pleasure of learning the hard way.

 

[resilient]

My mantra follows the "out of sight, out of mind" way. When you're staying busy and doing new things you think less about your old self and the life lead with another mate.

If I was this Larry guy, I would pick up some hobbies to get over her. I remember my bad breakup with my oneitis last year around this time. I was on sleeping pills for a while and began "unplugging" with DJ philosophy. Finally, began hitting the gym up again and releasing those endorphins. I couldn't sleep with 10 other women, but approaching 10 other women made me not think so much about my last girl. I found new women fun and attractive again while gaining confidence and courage.

Affirmations will help rebuild his self-esteem too. It worked for me.

The beautiful thing about meeting someone new is they won't know his mess ups in the relationships. The only thing Larry can do now is to stay positive and watch his actions and become a stronger man.

 

[Phyzzle]

Are you sure this guy was reading this site and not goatse.cx?

Soon he had applied some kino to a HB7 (my opinion) at work - 'Jen' - and they are an item.

A few weeks later, and Larry is having second thoughts.

....

They went on holiday (to another country), had an argument on the first day, and she stormed off home. Then blamed him for not coming after her.

So he met a girl and instantly became monogamous? A few weeks after they met, they're already going on foreign vacations and haggling over the seriousness of their relationship?

Talk about diving right in!

 

[drjekyll]

I feel that Larry has the same choice as we all do.

Get busy living, or get busy dying.

It's not your life to live. Let him destroy himself until he find inside himself the defiance and righteous fury again his situation to pull his **** together by any means necessary.

If he never does, he was never worth a damn to begin with. Let him kill himself by inches. You have bigger fish to fry.

 

[JustDoItAlways]

Sometimes a man has to cut his losses.

Sometimes a man has to cut his losses, because of all the sh1t that happened before that is now "unrecoverable" from.

This is one of those.

Now that he understands the DJ principles, he won't make the same mistakes with the next HB 8.0 Jen (compared to this HB 7.0 Jen.)