Friend goes through painful LJBF

[Relations]

Sorry, but this is going to be a wall-of-text post. Quite recently, my friend has been going through alot of trouble with this girl that he likes. They are both sophomores, and have been friends for about a year. He was LJBFed since last year; he said he was okay with it, but now this year, he's trying to strike up a relationship again with her. The thing is, he's not the most popular guy in school, so she doesn't want to publicly date him because it might lower her social status or something. To me, this is bs, I have gotten proof after proof from him that she has issues and cares too much what other people think about her. Apparently, they like each other though, but I think this guy has gotten in over his head with this chick. They even planned to meet up at his house, but she flaked on him. He eventually got fed up and gave her an ultimatum: Date me and admit it without shame, or we have to call quits on our friendship. She chose the latter. My explanation here is not the great, but he has posted these problems in direct context on another forum I know he goes to. I am going to post all of his relevant posts in sequence:

1

I've got a new situation that's been developing for quite a while...
I have a friend, let's call her Anna. Last year I really liked Anna, and I asked her out and was rejected. After that, I became her friend and just sat around in the friend zone. A few days ago, we were playing a little game where you ask each other questions and they have to answer truthfully. I asked, "Do you think you could ever like me as more than a friend?"
She made sure I wanted the whole truth, and she told me "To be honest, i'm in love with your mind for the most part. There's little i dislike about you. But at the same time i can't tell if i would be able to go out with you and only you. Maybe later, if its the right time and place i would but right now i don't think so."
I was surprised, as I thought she didn't like me as more than a friend at all! Eventually, the topic came up again and I learned another thing:
"H: What do you think is my most disappointing quality?
I: I can't think of one, to be honest.
H: Well this is really upsetting and i hate admitting it even to myself but, you know, i care way too much what people think of me... In some ways it stops me from being nice to certain people, dressing a certain way, etc. How horrible is that?
I: About the same as me.
H: Really? Because i'd be way nicer to you in school if people wouldn't think i was weird because of it... I'm sorry.
I: Haha, I totally understand. In case you didn't notice, I'm a douchebag in school because everyone hates me. Which they do because I'm a douche... Hmmm
H: Exactlyyyyy. And, to be honest, part of that is one of the reasons i wouldn't date you now. God, i'm such a fail of a person"
Now, I don't think I'm actually a douche to people. I'm just a bit weird. However, what Anna said fits in pretty well with what another friend of mine said. "She'd date you if it were up to her, but it's not. It's all about image, dude."
She and I actually had a really deep heart-to-heart a few nights ago about everything, and I made it very clear I still like her. I also sorta broke down and told her how I'm not her knight in shining armor and not what she needs and I'm so selfish I can't get over her, etc. She replied by telling me it's all her fault and not mine.
Basically, I told her I'm not sure whether I want to just be her friend, or if I want to also be together with her; I said it's up to both her and me to figure it out in time. As of right now, I'd really like to be in a relationship with her. I'm not sure what she wants...

So on Friday we decided she'd come over next Sunday and watch a movie together. She'd been mentioning it a lot the past few days, so I'm pretty sure she means it. She's also hinted a lot at how we're going to make out, and get close. etc., etc.
The part I'm not so sure about is how it's really going to go. All these interactions I've had with her are via text. We've never talked on the phone, and we haven't talked face to face in ages. All the time she's been very flirtatious with me (like, the past few nights we've been sexting) she hasn't seen me or heard me. I'm worried that when she sees me again in a school setting that's all going to disappear. I'm not the most attractive guy, and it's really my personality that's gotten me this far.
I'm also kind of worried that we're keeping all this under the radar. I don't think she wants her friends to know about any of this yet.

Can anyone help sooth my worries?

2

The thing is, I think she does want to date me, and this Sunday would be our first one.
I'm afraid to see if that's true though...

3

So, relating back to my earlier post about a girl named Anna coming over to my house this Sunday to watch a movie, I've got some questions.

We talked about what exactly it would be (date or whatever) and she said she's not really sure. I'm okay with that, as this will be the first time I'm actually alone with her and we can both talk freely. Sadly, this also means this will be the first time in a while we'll be talking face to face. We usually just text. I feel awkwardness is going to be at a peak when she's in my house and we're still coming to terms with one another's physical self. Sure, we've talked now and then in school over the years, and we even sat together for a semester in Alegbra. However, in the school setting I always feel like not saying anything and almost ignoring her out of shyness. I don't want this to keep happening. What should I do about this?

My second issue is one of closeness. She and I have talked a bit in a few "sexting" sessions about what we would do to one another. She decided at one point to get me sexually excited for three nights in a row via text. I've continually told her I don't expect very much of anything to happen Sunday and that I don't want to push her into anything she's not ready for, but she tells me she's "ready for everything ;D". However, she has also said at one point she doesn't "expect much either. Maybe we'll both be surprised."

I have gotten better at sending signals to girls over the course of this school year, be it from verbal cues or touching of the shoulder, hand, etc.. However, I'm still not the best at picking up on signals. What I really want is for she and I to cuddle a little as we watch this movie. However, I don't know how to initiate it. Last week, she told me she wouldn't mind me putting my arm around her. I take this to be a green light that she wouldn't mind a little cuddling, but again I don't know how to start it off all that well. I do not want to end up awkwardly touching her, followed by her pushing away from me and feeling angry for the rest of the time she'll spend at my house.

Does anyone have some tips/ideas/assuages for me?

 

[Relations]

4

Once again, I have to deal with Anna.
I was talking to her a few days ago about how I don't think I can be her friend. You see, I sort of based the whole friendship on a lie. When I get rejected, I decided to be her friend to eventually get her to like me. Not a cool move by me.
So I told her about this (albeit, much more detailed) and started contemplating ending my friendship with her. I've been way too stressed over her, and I'm not sure I want to keep playing this game.
(If anyone's interested, our "date" for last Sunday was canceled due to a "soccer banquet" she forgot about. She asked to do it this weekend instead.)

Right before I was about to break it off with her, I decided to talk to my mom for the first time about Anna. She told me not to burn any bridges with Anna, and that I can't change anyone but myself.
So, (with my mom's help) I told Anna this on Saturday:
"Of course we're still friends. I just need some time to work on myself. I'm not saying for forever, just for right now, please don't text me or call me."
And she said, drunk, "Oh, we'll do this again? Text me when you're cool." Now, I'm sure she didn't mean to say it in such a *****y way and it was just the liquor talking, right?

So, I'm now tasked to make myself less arrogant and self-centered. By doing this, I will become a better person. I also need to think about Anna and what role I want her to play in my life (if any.) Does anyone have any input on how I should start this?

5

I've got a good question I've had for ages. It applies to this Anna girl I keep mentioning pretty well too.

I text Anna all the time, but I don't talk to her much in school. I'm very shy with her, it seems. I even ignore her...

One of the big things stopping me from striking up a conversation with her (which I can do with just about anyone else) is that she's always talking with one or more of her girl friends. I don't know some of them really well, and I think I would be unwelcome interjecting.

What are some ways I can become less shy with her, and get into a conversation even while she's already in a discussion with her friends?

6

So, that Anna girl. *bleep* it, her name's Hayley and I'm calling her Hayley now.

I took the advice of many here and ended my friendship with her today. I told her I had one request for her to meet and if she couldn't meet it I was out.

"Look at your friend Katie, she's dating Harlan (a super nerdy geek) tomorrow and she can openly admit it! You on the other hand are unable to easily admit we're friend, let alone that we're hanging out next week! I have one thing to ask of you; I want you to not keep everything secret. If you can't do that, I'm out. I mean it this time."

Hayley replied, "I guess dealbreakers are dealbreakers."

I asked, "Are you serious Hayley? You can't do this one thing?"

Hayley said, "I'm only serious if you're serious."

I said, "Good bye Hayley."

Hayley said, "Bye..."

I said, finally, "Your number has been blocked. I'm sorry it ended like this."

So now I'm trying to make it through the fallout. I just lost (or rather, threw away) one of the best friends I've ever had.

Now what?

It's really stressing me out to see him in such distress. Just one girl seems to have crushed his entire world. I just don't think it's fair, I mean he's not the greatest with girls, but he's gotten dates before and has had a girlfriend. He's gone through this same girl drama before so many times with chicks who LJBFed him. But whenever I talk to him about this, he acts as though he's perfectly fine to be LJBFed...BS. Guys, please, what should he do to get out of this situation? He's finally taken the No Contact route, but why so late and after so much strife? What would you as a Don Juan do?

 

[Thatsalotoffish]

Next her, she stringed him along for ages and never had the intention of going out with him. She built his hopes up by agreeing to meet him and by saying they will do this and that when they do meet. When he finally did give her an ultimatium she backed out, if they were such good friends she would have tried harder, she didnt, she just used him to feed her ego I bet.

Tell him to focus on himself and go out looking for other girls, if he really does want her shes gotta see him having a good time talking to other girls, hell even datings some. Just make sure he doesnt break no contact and give in, hes made the ultimatium and hes gotta stick to his guns, if he gives in she wins which is a no go.

 

[kcraptor82]

When a female does this, they are not your friend. I am currently going thru withdrawal from a friendship with a girl I liked. I finally just told her off and ended the friendship because she kept stringing me along. Plus it didn't help that I told her what she didn't want to hear and started to date a guy that she barely knew over me. She was just feeding her ego. Had to stop it, but it happens, I feel for your friend.

 

[K2000kidd]

Friend????

I see a lot of guys here who often feel the need to post about their "friends"
issues, yet post with almost first hand knowledge of events that went down

You often have to wonder if the alluded to "friend" in question is in reality the DJ member seeking advice for himself.

 

[SharinganUser]

Tell your friend to start acting like a man and make his move.

 

[DonJuanit0]

Run maybe?!?

The guy is obssesed with that Anna, Hayley, w/e! This oneitis of his makes him act like AFC! WTF was he thinking about asking her not to hide anything nor have secrets? He basically asked her not to be a woman lol and she rejected like a logical female being! Also, he didn't only asked about it, but he told her that they would end us friends if she wouldn't do so! He had reached to the point where he threatens her to do what he wants!

I can't explain why she was sending him sex texts, maybe she was having fun with her girl friends, but it wasn't her fault at all!

This guy, HAD some relationships and staff as you said but I guess you guys are pretty young yet (since in school), so yes, from now on women are starting to act like women!

Peace

 

[tafakna]

after so much strife? What would you as a Don Juan do?

This has nothing to do with DJ.

The guy is your friend, right? He needs professional help, this is not the kind of shyness that will go away with 5-10 messages.

The issue here is not the girl either, he needs to start from scratch, and he will never make it on his own. Get him to a good therapist before he waste his life in his little personal world...

 

[CarlitosWay]

I wasn't about to read all that bs cause that's all it is. He must not talk to many chics cause of desperation portrayed for this one. I got sick when I read the part about "sorry I'm not your knight in shining armor". What girl wants to hear that? If a boring/clingy chic told me "sorry I'm not that awesome girl". It would make me not want to be with her even more!

Guy needs to get a grip. Needs to live HIS life to the FULLEST, sooner the better. X2 on the counselor/therapist.

 

[slaog]

I just scanned through the texts. Your friend has a low value mindset and thats not attractive to women. Always putting himself down and putting the girl on a pedestal. Thats a turnoff.


Also he can forget about the popularity excuse. She doesn't have any feelings for him because he's an AFC.


Having read some of the things the girl has said she is an attention seeker and is using your friend as an ego boost. He needs to work on his self esteem and not let anyone treat him like that.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Reading that series of texts was like watching a car crash in s----l----o----w motion.....

Look its CLEAR that YOUR the guy chasing this Hayley chick; don't be afraid to admit it. You need to learn the basics fundamentals of developing game and I suggest you read the DJ Bible.

You have no chance with this girl, so don't think there's a magical way to get her back because there's not after all the self inflicted damage you did to yourself.



PIMP

 

[Relations]

Arrogance gets the best of Pimp-Sicle

Look its CLEAR that YOUR the guy chasing this Hayley chick; don't be afraid to admit it. You need to learn the basics fundamentals of developing game and I suggest you read the DJ Bible.

You have no chance with this girl, so don't think there's a magical way to get her back because there's not after all the self inflicted damage you did to yourself.

Pimp, you're hilarious. You honestly think that is me...yet you give no reason as to why that would be me. If that was me and not my friend, then why the hell didn't I say it was me? Oh no, I know why, its because the forum is for the most part anonymous, so I'm risking being so utterly embarrassed, oh no! :crackup: Really, why would I have a problem admitting any of this if it were me; people on this board do it all the time. What would I be afraid of? Maybe it makes me look worse to the whole Don Juan community when there's things like fvcking masturbation threads over 100 pages long. It can't get any more open in an online community than that, yet you think I feel the need to hide from a problem. That isn't me, retard. Seriously, get over your ego Pimp, once you start thinking with your brain, you'll solve alot more problems rather than just making yourself look foolish. :kick:

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Pimp, you're hilarious. You honestly think that is me...yet you give no reason as to why that would be me.

Read through some of the threads here of guys posting threads for "their friends" and you'll know why I feel like its your situation.... Secondly your defensive response is the cherry on top... You want some reasons??? Okay.. let me give you some..

If that was me and not my friend, then why the hell didn't I say it was me? Oh no, I know why, its because the forum is for the most part anonymous, so I'm risking being so utterly embarrassed, oh no! :crackup:

Reason 1 ......


Really, why would I have a problem admitting any of this if it were me; people on this board do it all the time. What would I be afraid of?

Reason 2 .......


It can't get any more open in an online community than that, yet you think I feel the need to hide from a problem.

Reason 3 .........


That isn't me, retard.


Reason 4 .......


Seriously, get over your ego Pimp, once you start thinking with your brain, you'll solve alot more problems rather than just making yourself look foolish. :kick:

This has nothing to do with my ego... LOL This is me calling it like I see it. And thanks for your concerns, but I don't have any problems...

If this is truly for your friend, and you have already told him that this chick is unstable and stupid; you've done all you can do. Sometimes, newbies like your friend (haha) need to hit rock bottom before they learn from their mistakes.

The fact that he continues to pursue this one girl, tells me that:

a) he has no other girls he's talking to

b) he has low self esteem

c) he's putting this chick on a pedestal....



Lastly whenever you want to know a girl's true feelings on a situation; look at her actions, not her words. Her words say "i like him, I like him;" while her actions say "I don't care that much."




PIMP