Friend (Girl) Flaked - Any Next Steps?

[PhatE1vis]

I have a friend, a girl, who recently flaked on me. We had plans to do something over the holidays - the day came and went, I gave her a call that day and texted the next, and never heard from her.

The backstory: we've been friends for about 3 years. We started as friends, went through a very brief period where we hooked up, and then went back to being friends. I have a gf and she just got a new bf. Also, we don't run in the same circles so it's unlikely that I'll see her out anywhere.

I know she's not dead through other sources. Seems a shame to lose someone I was close to most likely because she has a new bf now, but that may just be the way it is. Is there any recourse left here, or do I just chalk up my loses?

 

[frivolousz21]

do not contact her

consider not a big part of your life

let it go

and move on to new plates

 

[joekerr31]

you should call her and beg her to still be your friend. send her roses and chocolates and tell her how your life is a bottomless pit of gloom without her and that she was the beam of sunshine in a dark and bitter world.

now if it were myself, if someone gives me the cold shoulder and doesn't talk to me i tend to take the hint and cut them loose. should they ever choose to return they better bend over backwards in apology for how they behaved for me to even consider it.

 

[PhatE1vis]

Funny stuff, joekerr.

I guess I just don't understand people as well as I thought I did; clearly, I misjudged this chick as a quality person. Of course I won't be contacting her.

Oh well, I guess that chapter is closed.

 

[Augie]

I agree with Joekerr except I have a friend who is a women, she isn't one to return messages, but when we catch up she's cool, so my advice is if you are happy to just be friends then so be it, if you were expecting more and she is ignoring you, as Joekerr says move on.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Funny stuff, joekerr.

I guess I just don't understand people as well as I thought I did; clearly, I misjudged this chick as a quality person. Of course I won't be contacting her.

Oh well, I guess that chapter is closed.

Has nothing to do with her being or not being a quality person. That is just what chicks do. If they find a new "friend" or boyfriend, that is where they will focus on. It is us men, who usually want to hold on to some of the chicks in the past, since we might still hold on to the idea of "hooking up" with them in the future if the opportunity presents itself.

If she is just a friend, then that is no big deal. Obviously, she doesn't think of it as much as you do. They will do anything when they are getting no attention. It is just what they do. Not good, bad or indiferent.

 

[Mr. Me]

should they ever choose to return they better bend over backwards in apology for how they behaved for me to even consider it.

That, plus one act of atonement, such as taking me out to dinner.

do I just chalk up my loses?

All you're losing is an inconsiderate person.

 

[PhatE1vis]

Has nothing to do with her being or not being a quality person.

If she is just a friend, then that is no big deal. Obviously, she doesn't think of it as much as you do. They will do anything when they are getting no attention. It is just what they do. Not good, bad or indiferent.

I have to disagree with you here. If she's just a friend (which she is now) then it SHOULD be a big deal. Would you do this to one of your boys? I wouldn't.

What you're arguing here is that there's something inherently wrong with women, making them incapable of maintaining a long-term friendship when something comes along to distract them.

Despite the cynic in me, I refuse to believe that it's a problem with all women. It has to be this one person, which is why I called her low quality.

 

[MacAvoy]

I think the most important question is "What does she bring to the friendship?" Is it to your advantage to remain friends with her, are there any benefits? Or are you the giver, in which case, I wouldn't contact her, but if you are the giver, you'll likely contact her regardless.

 

[PhatE1vis]

I'm definitely the giver here. No doubt about it. And actually, that really helps put this in perspective...I'm not really losing much.

 

[jophil28]

What you're arguing here is that there's something inherently wrong with women, making them incapable of maintaining a long-term friendship when something comes along to distract them.

Despite the cynic in me, I refuse to believe that it's a problem with all women. It has to be this one person, which is why I called her low quality.

I have long argued that women are easily "pulled" in one direction or another by their emotional investment in a person or her fear of loss of affection from others.

They do not seem to give the same weight ,as men do, to promises that they make . Women appear to regard any plans that they make with a guy as only "pencilled in" and not scribed in stone. If a BBd comes along or they are distracted by some emotion that someone else elicits then a women will likely flake or cancel a date with no hesitation.

Unstable ? Yes ! Flighty ? Yes ! Emotionally flimsy ? Yes !
Unreliable ? Yes ? Unpredictable ? Yes!

However they do not appear to demonstrate these characteristics as frequently in their job or career or in their relationships with their girlfriends . Why ?

And that, gentlemen, is how they are..

 

[STR8UP]

As much as I advocate being friends with women (if you are the type of guy who is able to do so), at the end of the day women see all men as expendable.

Chances are, she probably valued your attention a lot more than she values your friendship. A new b/f comes along and fills all the gaps, and she doesn't need you anymore. You would think that she at least owes you the common courtesy of a phone call, but don't get your hopes up.

The other guys advice has been right on. Forget about her.

 

[aliasguy]

I only have my own experience to go by, but is flaking more common now in general, or among the current crop of 20-30 yo women, or is it just because I'm old now?

I NEVER had women flake on me back in my younger years. Even though I was a RAGING AFC. Really. I don't remember it happening EVER until a few years ago. Now, I've finally caught on and accepted that women DO this sometimes. It was surprising, nearly shocking, the first time this happened to me. A few years back. And it still happens occasionally.

I'm still pretty ok looking. My game is better than ever. I don't make the mistakes I made in the past (when I NEVER got "flaked" on -- I just got dropped after acting too AFC back then.)

Maybe it the age thing, I dunno. But do the older guys here think this is on the increase? Probably it's just me.

I wonder what everybody thinks?


Flake versus rejection -- I know they are essentially the same, but I think they are different somehow.

 

[Latinoman]

I have a friend, a girl, who recently flaked on me. We had plans to do something over the holidays - the day came and went, I gave her a call that day and texted the next, and never heard from her.

The backstory: we've been friends for about 3 years. We started as friends, went through a very brief period where we hooked up, and then went back to being friends. I have a gf and she just got a new bf. Also, we don't run in the same circles so it's unlikely that I'll see her out anywhere.

I know she's not dead through other sources. Seems a shame to lose someone I was close to most likely because she has a new bf now, but that may just be the way it is. Is there any recourse left here, or do I just chalk up my loses?

Why don't you focus on your current girlfriend? Stop the Oneitis, Dude!

And she is NOT flaking...what she is doing is treating her man with respect.

 

[Latinoman]

Listen guys...the one that lacks quality here is the original poster. The woman is doing the right thing by dedicating her time to her man and not some other dude that she hooked up with once in the past.

I would not tolerate my girlfriend spending the Holidays with a "male friend". That would be very disrespectful and will show how LOW quality she is.

This guy still has the hots for her "friend". In reallity...this guy is the type of AFCs that I consider the weakest of all. The type that use "friendship" to hide there real intentions.

Dude...if you truly want to be a DJ...I suggest you start focusing on your woman and on yourself. The "she is my friend" is total B.S. You just HOPING to get laid or "hook up" again. And you want to do it under the WEAKEST and MOST PATHETIC of circunstances...under the "friendship" curtain.

 

[guru1000]

I only have my own experience to go by, but is flaking more common now in general, or among the current crop of 20-30 yo women, or is it just because I'm old now?

I NEVER had women flake on me back in my younger years. Even though I was a RAGING AFC. Really. I don't remember it happening EVER until a few years ago. Now, I've finally caught on and accepted that women DO this sometimes. It was surprising, nearly shocking, the first time this happened to me. A few years back. And it still happens occasionally.

I'm still pretty ok looking. My game is better than ever. I don't make the mistakes I made in the past (when I NEVER got "flaked" on -- I just got dropped after acting too AFC back then.)

Maybe it the age thing, I dunno. But do the older guys here think this is on the increase? Probably it's just me.

I wonder what everybody thinks?


Flake versus rejection -- I know they are essentially the same, but I think they are different somehow.

Very good question. Flaking is the result of low IL.

There are several reasons for flaking.

1) Your initial GAME is good enough to open the door but not enough IL was generated.

2) Not enough rapport. Men can't understand this because we don't need rapport to BANG.

3)Time. This happens to me now too. Here is an example.

I meet a HOT girl. I get her number, call her up and make plans. I genuinely like this girl at the moment. Today is Tuesday, we have plans on Saturday. In between that time, I have other plates I see. In addition, I meet a few new plates. Saturday rolls around and I haven't spoken to her since. I don't even bother calling or responding to her text. Why? So much has happened since then, she is a barely a thought in my mind now. My IL has DROPPED. As well, I made other plans with the plate I saw the night before.

I think #3 applies to most flakes, especially the hotter ones because they are natural plate spinners.

 

[aliasguy]

Very good question. Flaking is the result of low IL.

There are several reasons for flaking.

1) Your initial GAME is good enough to open the door but not enough IL was generated.

2) Not enough rapport. Men can't understand this because we don't need rapport to BANG.

3)Time. This happens to me now too. Here is an example.

I meet a HOT girl. I get her number, call her up and make plans. I genuinely like this girl at the moment. Today is Tuesday, we have plans on Saturday. In between that time, I have other plates I see. In addition, I meet a few new plates. Saturday rolls around and I haven't spoken to her since. I don't even bother calling or responding to her text. Why? So much has happened since then, she is a barely a thought in my mind now. My IL has DROPPED. As well, I made other plans with the plate I saw the night before.

I think #3 applies to most flakes, especially the hotter ones because they are natural plate spinners.

Yeah, I'll agree that flaking is secondary to low IL.

No argument. But WHY did I NEVER see flaking as an AFC wuss in the 80's but I do NOW. Is it because I'm older, or that things are DIFFERENT now, or WHAT?

I know, guru, that you are the BOMB, and you have it ALL together, and that YOU are the flaker, not the flakee. You are indeed ALL THAT. Extra points for you.

But are things really different, or is it because of my AGE, or my attitude, or WHAT?

I'm asking OTHERS, here.

 

[guru1000]

Yeah, I'll agree that flaking is secondary to low IL.

No argument. But WHY did I NEVER see flaking as an AFC wuss in the 80's but I do NOW. Is it because I'm older, or that things are DIFFERENT now, or WHAT?

I know, guru, that you are the BOMB, and you have it ALL together, and that YOU are the flaker, not the flakee. You are indeed ALL THAT. Extra points for you.

But are things really different, or is it because of my AGE, or my attitude, or WHAT?

I'm asking OTHERS, here.

Let me share a little SECRET. Shh, you didnt hear this from me.

About 5 months ago, my x broke up with me. First time in my life. Shook me up. You can imagine how the GURU felt. It was almost unrealistic Read my first thread on the forum.

Sure enough, GURU's external validated EGO was crushed. My external validated CONFIDENCE was lost. The following month, I started dating. Sure enough, I got flaked on. This was the first time in my life as well. This almost CONFIRMED my new EXTERNAL VALIDATED belief of how I was losing it.

I refused to BELIEVE IT. Could I be losing it? Could I have changed that dramtically over a couple years. I wasn't buying it.

I wrote all my thoughts down. Looking at it, I was very surprised. I was DESPERATE and NEEDY. I needed VALIDATION. I needed to know it was a fluke. As I was flaked on, I became more DESPERATE. A VICIOUS CYCLE.

One day before a date, I convinced myself to BE INDIFFERENT TO THE OUTCOME. I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE. I went on the date and had a drink. I sat back and the girl asked me why I was so quiet. I told the girl "Hey, you seem like a nice girl but I don't do any talking on the first date, so keep talking or it's going to be very quiet." The girl yapped and yapped. I sat there and observed as the girl leaned foward and appeared nervous, almost DESPERATE. As I was laying back and thinking, I realized my enemy was my DESPERATION. I fell into a mental hole. That day, GURU snapped out of it. Every date thereafter became easier and easier.

Yes, my CONFIDENCE was externally validated. NOT NEEDING validates me internally.

Your age has nothing to do with getting flaked on. Your DESPERATION and NEEDING does. WE MOST OFTEN ATTACT WHAT WE DO NOT CARE FOR. WE OFTEN REPEL WHAT WE CHASE.

 

[aliasguy]

guru, man, I TOTALLY agree with you that NEEDINESS, and lack of confidence results in flakes. No argument, AGAIN.

But my game is better now. I expect less. I ASSUME attraction. I do EVERYTHING like it SHOULD be done. Like the way you say YOU act. I STILL never saw flakes 20 years ago, when I knew NOTHING, when I acted TOTALLY AFC. I was SILLY, I was STUPID. But I never had these flakes.

I know that "flakes" are MY "fault." I blame NO ONE else but me. But WHY are they so much more common now? You say it's not my age. You don't offer another explanation.

I'm NOT desparatate and needy. I know better. I know how to act. I understand your explanation, but it DOESN'T APPLY.

I'm confused. This isn't COMMON, but it happens often enough to confuse me.

 

[guru1000]

Hey Alias,

When I first read "SPINNING PLATES", I laughed.

Now I understand.

You say you are not DESPERATE or NEEDY. I say that is not possible if you do not have one or more PLATES. Even with one plate, you will be NEEDY to an extent. You may be a good actor, but ACTING doesn't cut it. It needs to be genuine.

When you were younger and all PUMPED UP with testosterone, your attitude was different. You had a "I DONT GIVE A F*CK" attitude. That attitude brought you young women.

Now you are MATURE MAN going after grown women. Maturity with NEEDINESS is a DISASTER.

I say you cannot DEMONSTRATE GENUINE TRAITS OF NO DESPERATION with a scarcity mentality combined with low GENUINE CONFIDENCE stemmed from the scarcity.

Spin Plates!

Here is the golden question, how can I spin plates when I cannot find 1 plate to kill the scarcity?

Go after a low level plate and ALWAYS keep her in the reserves.