Friend better than husband?

[Desdinova]

Hey all, I need some help on this one. First of all, me and my wife have a pretty fantastic relationship. But lately, something's been really pissing me off.

She's been spending a lot of time with one of her friends. This friend of hers is single, and almost seems somewhat reliant of the company of my wife. Me and her make plans to do stuff, but they end up getting cancelled because her friend wants to spend time with her.

My wife's been at her friends place for the last 3 evenings. She told me earlier today that she was going to spend time with me this evening, and give me a nice massage. She spent the entire afternoon with her friend.

She came back this evening with this friend, and she told me that she was going out for drinks with her, even though my wife doesn't really want to.

I asked her, "well, why are you going if you don't want to?"
She says, "because that's the kind of person I am. I do things for my friends even if I don't want to do them".

Needless to say, I'm not happy. Hell, I'm upset and feeling a bit down about this. This is the fourth evening she's spent with her friend. I sure as hell would like to spend some time with her.

We had a discussion about this a couple of weeks ago. She knows that I'm upset that she's not spending any time with me, but she continually asks, "what's wrong?" She knows I'm upset about it, but she tells me, "well, I can't do anything about it if you won't tell me what's wrong." The thing is, I let her know!

Anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this. I really don't want this marriage to go down the tubes because she's never home.

 

[italostud]

She's either 1)dumb and doesn't realize what she's doing, or 2)an inconsiderate byatch.

Either way, it's not good.

 

[flexion_]

Hmm... well we aren't marriage councellors so this might be off the mark but:

Maybe you needing to have her attention so much is pushing her away. You need to have your own life and pursuits and be happy with them. Maybe you are smothering her?

It could also be a warning sign that something is going on in her life as well.

 

[NewMan]

There are a couple of ways to attack this.

1) would be to give the "What's good for the goose is good for the gander" line. Which would mean do your own things. Get your own life. Stop being available. Go out for beers with your buddies - and if you don't have any then get some or make some up.

2) apporach this full on. Sit her down and deal with her face to face. But plan out exactly what your going to say. What you want and expect from her. What your willing to do (perhaps your getting boring for her or are not dealing with her needs). But, you need to know what your going to do if you don't get the results you want. And do it.


this is total disresect. You've got to deal with it - and that may mean leaving.

But it's obviously your a nice guy. To nice.

 

[-HPNOTIQ-]

She's a lesbian. Its like the episode of Friends.

Actually..I hope not.

All jokes aside...I take value in your question because you are married to this woman. If you were just dating her, it would be easy for all of us to say NEXT her and be done with it.

Many factors decide the way you approach this situation (kids, money, etc)..so I'll give advice in the approach that your marriage is doing good in all aspects except for this one.

Well..actually..there's the silver bullet right there. Are all aspects of your marriage good? ARE you giving her enough of your time? ARE you being her friend? Are you working 70 hours, 7 days a week, bringing work home?

I ask these questions because there is something missing regarding her wanting to be with you, and that maybe because you don't have time to give it to her. So...she found it in a new woman friend. Women are always anxious to find new friends to shop with, gossip with, and do chick things with.

I'd be more concerned with what type of woman and what kind of influence the new friend is. Is she married with kids and a great husband where the whole family is church going and they drive a mini van?

OR

Is she a newly divorced single chick pissed off at all men and will try to take your wife down with her.

I'd guage my approach to the wife and her time spent with this new friend on what type of influence this new friend is.

If she's a good influence, then, just let you wife have her. The newness of her friend will wear off eventually. While she's with her, go ahead and hit the gym, catch a ballgame with a few of your old college buddies, shot some pool with some co workers.

If the new friend is a bad influence, squash this sh*t soon before your life becomes an episode of Desperate Housewives.

 

[Desdinova]

Well guys, I've figured it out myself from conversing with her last night:

(perhaps your getting boring for her or are not dealing with her needs).

Newman hit the nail on the head. I've gotta do some relationship maintenance and start taking the lead as to what we're doing in our evenings. I need to keep up the fun we had before we got married. I also need to keep up the leadership in our relationship. She's always looking to me for leadership, and if I don't have a plan, she gets frustrated.

Thanks for all the input, though!

 

[NewMan]

So what your saying is:

1) She doesn't have any interest's of her own.

2) She relies on you for a life - she's not capable of having a life of her own.

3) She's easily influenced and lead astray. If you don't provide for her entertainment, she'll go elsewhere to someone else and find it.

4) She's incapable of communicating her needs and want to her husband, so instead she'd rather go elsewhere.


Good luck with this one. I think your going to need it.

Kiss your life and hobbies goodbye as you spend your time entertaining your wife.

Now go put that Jester hat on - and go do some cartwheels.

 

[Desdinova]

Newman, you make some very interesting points. It seems, according to her, that I spend way too much time with my hobbies (I have many). I have to figure out if this is true, and if I shift the balance a little, will it will help? I'm not going to abandon everything (that would be fvcking stupid), but since this is a marriage, I'm willing to give it some effort.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

How long have you been married and how old is she? Has she recently started a gym membership or working on her self-image lately?

Depending on your circumstances I can see some red flags popping up. I've been married for 8 years and I can tell you this, if a woman WANTS your attention she'll find a way to get it. I balance my personal interests with my marriage, 40+ hours a week at work, and my post-graduate studies, and my wife (while very understanding) still demands my attention for herself and our daughter. She makes time for me and us and lets me know she wants it that way.

When a woman is filling the gap (so to speak) with alternatives to your company there is another operative working. I'd be very suspicious of this friend (I assume its another woman?) if she's newly single, and especially if she's insisting on going out for drinks or girls night out.

The reason I asked about your marriage history and her age is because I've counseled far too many guys with wives that strayed because they felt that they'd missed out on their lives as a result of getting married to young. 100% of theses couple's divorces began as a result of the wife regularly 'going out with the girls'. It's not too far a step to go from living vicariously through her friends to active participation with them.

 

[Desdinova]

How long have you been married

5 months

and how old is she?

25

Has she recently started a gym membership or working on her self-image lately?

She's had one for quite some time.

I'd be very suspicious of this friend (I assume its another woman?) if she's newly single, and especially if she's insisting on going out for drinks or girls night out.

Her friend is single with one child.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Ouch! Friend is a single Mommie? That's the establishing operation right there. Single Mommie needs your wife to help recirculate herself. Mommie needs moral support and a C blocker if necessary.

How long did you date/live together before marriage?

24-25 is a bit young to start playing house, but not terrible I suppose depending on her maturity level.

I'd suggest bringing the situation up with her in a firm manner. At 5 months into a marriage you're still establishing your living arrangements - as in what role is expected of you both. You need to assert a positive masculine presence for her and allowing her to blow you off will only teach her not to respect your authority. I'm not saying lord over her, but she has to be made to understand your expectations of her.

 

[Desdinova]

I'm not saying lord over her, but she has to be made to understand your expectations of her.

Rollo, I've been working on that. This started about a month ago, so it's still a fairly fresh issue. I haven't been letting her blow me off without saying something about it. Personally, I don't mind her going out with her friends, but I have a problem with it being excessive to the point where she's spending more time with her friend than me. She knows this, but it seems like I'm competing with her friend.

 

[NewMan]

I wasn't married but living with a girl.

This was a girl who had no hobbies. I went to my martial arts 3 times a week and hung with the "Boys" once a month.

Not excessive - I think you would agree.

But for her it was to much because - in her words "I'm waiting at home for you"....

Well my reply - "Why don't you go do something".



Anyways - the point being - the end of this relationship was approaching - and she was going out with a friend that was older than her but had recently become single.

Be very careful with this situation.

What she cannot do is expect me to be the devoted husband - when she's flaking on you doing her own thing.

Perhaps you need to go out with the boys one night after work.....

Everytime she ditches you perhaps you need to shower - put on some DJ clothes and call up some buddies - but don't forget "You don't really want to go"......

I recomend you sit her down - perhaps over dinner - and lay it all out once and for all. There's obviously a lack of communication between you both. Find out the issues. And resolve it.

Don't argue - and remember both of you need to come out feeling like a winner. Both of you need to get something from this conversation.

 

[Desdinova]

Mommie needs moral support and a C blocker if necessary.

I've been doing some thinking (and searching this site for c0ckblocker advice), and I'm starting to wonder if friend is c0ckblocking me by persuading my wife to spend time with her. My wife is quite outgoing, she can approach any stranger, and strike up a convo. Her friend on the other hand is the quiet one. I'm guessing my wife is being the one to approach guys, and set them up with her friend when they go out together.

If her friend isn't getting any, why should my wife get any (let alone me), right?

Also, my wife has known this friend for 8 years. Trying to diffuse the c0ckblocker directly may end up making much more of a mess. Anyone got any tips on diffusing a c0ckblocker who is a friend of your woman?

 

[Electraglide]

I can relate to this thread. A buddy's wife has a friend who is a divorced single mommy. Well she was constantly vying for his wifes attention. While "Jack" was understanding at first, then he started to get a man hating vibe from the wifes friend. So he put an end to the problem before it got out of hand. He had a sit down with the wife and told the friend to back-off and leave his family alone. Worked like a charm if your confident and diplomatic about the whole thing. I've seen this thing happen a few times and it's the man who controls the direction of a relationship not a divorced bytch. Newly divorced women need to have single friends so they can bash men, because that's what divorcees do. It can really put a strain on a relationship if you let it happen. Watch for warning signs then cut the head off the beast before it bites you.

 

[Cat Patrol]

I am getting some bad vibes about your situation.

Your wife and you have only been married a few months, and yet she is starting to avoid you in favor of one of her friends? This is very unusual so early in a marriage. Hell, you guys are still in the honeymoon stage!

She came back this evening with this friend, and she told me that she was going out for drinks with her, even though my wife doesn't really want to.

To me, this sounds like your wife is really trying to blame her friend on something that your wife really wanted to do herself.

We had a discussion about this a couple of weeks ago. She knows that I'm upset that she's not spending any time with me, but she continually asks, "what's wrong?" She knows I'm upset about it, but she tells me, "well, I can't do anything about it if you won't tell me what's wrong." The thing is, I let her know!

This sounds as if it is really her that is doing wrong, and she is trying to turn it around on you. Wives who are doing wrong usually try to turn it around on their husbands, as a way to transfer guilt.

All in all, I would start paying more attention to what your wife is doing in her spare time. I hope its nothing bad, for your sake, but you always have to protect yourself first.
This is why I don't like for my wife to hang around with single women, especially out to bars for drinks. It's just not a good situation for a married woman to be in, especially one as young as your wife.

 

[NewMan]

**
I've been doing some thinking (and searching this site for c0ckblocker advice), and I'm starting to wonder if friend is c0ckblocking me by persuading my wife to spend time with her
**

No, no, no NO.

This chick is not a c#ck blocker.

I think your reading way to much into this.

Look -

Either she's to weak to turn down her friend - in which case you need to step in and lay down the law - being the bad guy.

Or, she just doesn't give a sh#t anymore and is having more fun with this chick than anyone else.


The bottom line is - when are YOU going to stop acting like a pvssy?

How long has this gone on for now - yet you still have not dealt with the situaton.

Do you expect your wife to respect you when you don't respect yourself?

Dude - sit down with her and figure it out.

Stop searching for answers. ASK HER.

go talk to her and let us know what she says.

 

[NewMan]

**
I've been doing some thinking (and searching this site for c0ckblocker advice), and I'm starting to wonder if friend is c0ckblocking me by persuading my wife to spend time with her
**

No, no, no NO.

This chick is not a c#ck blocker.

I think your reading way to much into this.

Look -

Either she's to weak to turn down her friend - in which case you need to step in and lay down the law - being the bad guy.

Or, she just doesn't give a sh#t anymore and is having more fun with this chick than anyone else.


The bottom line is - when are YOU going to stop acting like a pvssy?

How long has this gone on for now - yet you still have not dealt with the situaton.

Do you expect your wife to respect you when you don't respect yourself?

Dude - sit down with her and figure it out.

Stop searching for answers. ASK HER.

go talk to her and let us know what she says.

 

[Desdinova]

The bottom line is - when are YOU going to stop acting like a pvssy?

How long has this gone on for now - yet you still have not dealt with the situaton.

Dude, I haven't just sat back and let the whole thing happen without me saying something. We HAVE discussed it. The last time we discussed this, things were better for about two weeks, and then it happened again. I brought it up again and we discussed it.

I don't want this to become an endless cycle. Now that I think about it, maybe I should tell HER that. Tell her that I don't want to have to discuss this situation with her again.

 

[NewMan]

***
I don't want this to become an endless cycle. Now that I think about it, maybe I should tell HER that. Tell her that I don't want to have to discuss this situation with her again.
***

Exactly.

You've got to step up to the plate - and be the man here.

She obviously needs taken in hand.

But there should be some consequences should this happen again. Because it seems like she agrees with you - it gets better - then it goes back to how it was. Either there's pressure from her friend or it's your wifes doing.

Ask her as well if this woman is giving her pressure.


Whichever way you look at it - it seems your wife is rather weak willed and easy swayed.