FR: I'm so bad at building sexual tension!

[Tortendieb]

I have a weak point, but recently I've really had a bad streak and I can't take it anymore!

This post: Field report
Next post: My own analysis
Finally: Your opinions, please.

Just got back from another date. There's this girl whom I met at a meetup, she seemed (decently) into me, no resistance to kino etc.

So I asked her out, we had a drink and then a walk along the river as it was getting dark. All was good, convo was fun, but I failed to build decent sexual tension. Same as XY dates with other girls! Damn! We had good eye contact, I certainly applied enough kino (example, we were fooling around with a piece of paper on the table, and hands touching all the time) and later as we were walking our shoulders were often touching, and our hands while gesticulating. I pulled her into me while pointing at stuff etc. Any more kino would haved looked strange. She didn't resist at all, laughed a lot etc etc. But never was there a moment where we'd just gaze at each other's eyes, sexual tension etc... although I'm sure we did find each other attractive.

First, I did fail to start a makeout session (sit down somehwere? where? stand at the railing of the river? mind blanked a couple of times and was too dumb to do it). It never went awkward though, we just continued fun convo. But I really failed to take more steps in escalation. Unfortunately, walking closely + kino was all we did.

I did go for the kiss at the end, because we had fun and were reasonably close all the time. I was sure she genuinely liked me. She turned her cheek, we stood there, I tried a couple of times without making a big deal of it. But anyway had to give up then.

 

[Tortendieb]

Analysis

So, at no point could I create and nurture the spark that is sexual tension. I've improved so much at not being awkward, we just have easygoing convo all the time. I'm good at c&f. Not all girls take it well, but even if so, they just laugh a lot. I convey a laid back, confident, atmosphere, but I never:
- challenge the girl
- move to sexual topics (successfully)
- do some really ballsy stuff (can't think of anything, even now. sh*t.)

I just get so caught up in talking. I end up liking the girls (otherwise wouldn't date) and am probably not assholy enough to them. I actually do pretty OK in manhandling girls that I despise, and I get one night stands from this!

As my looks have improved, I see a recent trend. Girls don't reject me, but the dates never go anywhere either. Maybe I'm good enough to stroke their ego, but not good enough to be chased? The last 5 girls all never initiated, I always had to - yet not a single one flaked or disrespected me, and all behaved very well on the dates. I can only reason one thing: They had medium interest, expected a very aggressive, highly sexual man and then things cooled down on the date.

Dates are better after we've had the first kiss, althouth they often try to withhold sex first, then use it only if I almost blackmail them. I've rarely been able to make a girl so horny that she'd go out of her way to have sex. But they are totally up for meeting and always available if I call them. Huh.

I want to make a list of things and moves, which I will then practice, so I can finally get started on this. I was always against "techniques", but I'm running in circles! No more inner game, meditating in front of the computer. Right now I imagine so many things I might have done and said, but next date I totally forget them!!

I keep going on dates, do nothing special, repeat.

I really need to study how to create that sexual tension!! But how? Please offer some resources or guidance.

 

[ChemGod]

It seems you are the orbiter. They may just be hanging out with you to pass the time/get free dinners and then they go home to bang guys that they are really interested in.

The kino you are describing is like kino one would have with a friend. She would not have turned away if she wanted to kiss you. She DID notice you were trying to kiss her, and she decided not too.

I would advise stepping up your kino game. While your walking next to her, why not put your arm around her waist and pull her close to you? Why not pick her up and threaten to throw her in the pond? Why not start tickling her while you are walking? You couldve found a spot to sit, put your arm around her and started touching her. Real kino bro.

 

[PeasantPlayer]

This is my weak point to

 

[ucde]

Your analysis and my analysis of it, follows.

So, at no point could I create and nurture the spark that is sexual tension.

You are not supposed to either create OR nurture this spark. Manosphere-misunderstanding #351693.

The spark is supposed to just exist, and to grow into a flame on its own. The spark has to be a real thing, like a tree. You listen to it, observe it, and watch it shift and grow. Its not your place to command it or manipulate it, just like you can't make a tree grow. Its such a common misunderstanding, but you are wanting to play a more powerful role than it is in human nature to actually play.

You might as well have said that you want to create chemistry with someone. God created the chemistry, we just make a place for it, realize it exists, and act on it.

I've improved so much at not being awkward, we just have easygoing convo all the time. I'm good at c&f. Not all girls take it well, but even if so, they just laugh a lot. I convey a laid back, confident, atmosphere, but I never:
- challenge the girl
- move to sexual topics (successfully)
- do some really ballsy stuff (can't think of anything, even now. sh*t.)

Congrats on improving, that sounds really good.

As far as your bulleted list, just forget about all that sh1t. Please if you have a laundry list of stuff you believe you should be doing with a woman, stop, and do not do those things. Do instead exactly what you feel like.

I just get so caught up in talking. I end up liking the girls (otherwise wouldn't date) and am probably not assholy enough to them. I actually do pretty OK in manhandling girls that I despise, and I get one night stands from this!

Hmm... ironically, the same incongruence that allows you to "manhandle girls that you despise" and actually be physically intimate with them, is probably why you can't connect decently with a girl you like. Its hard to be broken up enough to do the one and also achieve the other. Because this -> "manhandling girls that I despise" <- is the male expression of psycho.

As my looks have improved, I see a recent trend. Girls don't reject me, but the dates never go anywhere either. Maybe I'm good enough to stroke their ego, but not good enough to be chased? The last 5 girls all never initiated, I always had to - yet not a single one flaked or disrespected me, and all behaved very well on the dates. I can only reason one thing: They had medium interest, expected a very aggressive, highly sexual man and then things cooled down on the date.

Connection quality was weak. Women can smell the attributes of a man far better than we think. They can tell if you are a serial player, a serial dater, if you don't really care about them (generally, although some of them want this). In particular, they can smell what I alluded to in the above paragraphs and its a turnoff for any real upper tier chicks.

Dates are better after we've had the first kiss, althouth they often try to withhold sex first, then use it only if I almost blackmail them. I've rarely been able to make a girl so horny that she'd go out of her way to have sex. But they are totally up for meeting and always available if I call them. Huh.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like they are actually comfortable with you.

I want to make a list of things and moves, which I will then practice, so I can finally get started on this. I was always against "techniques", but I'm running in circles! No more inner game, meditating in front of the computer. Right now I imagine so many things I might have done and said, but next date I totally forget them!!

I keep going on dates, do nothing special, repeat.

I really need to study how to create that sexual tension!! But how? Please offer some resources or guidance.

Sexual tension arises naturally from a connection between two people with the proper chemistry. Any attempt to force, manipulate, coerce or amplify this tension generally destroys it and distorts it, and dissolves the organic connection between the two people experiencing this. It sounds like you have too much experience dating; it is a mechanical process for you that you are forcing along without regard to the actual underlying feelings in either yourself or the woman. You are checking for outward signs and seeing positive ones, but you can't tune into the inward pulse of feeling that underlies the interaction, because you are numbed by intellectualization, being a 'dating robot', and progressing along your mental calculations about how to land the girl. Then, when the girl says: "My feelings don't say that sex is going to happen now,", you are surprised because you were not paying attention to the feelings.

Listening to the feelings, both in yourself first and then in her (they will be meshed together within the same emotional space), is the key to ascertaining the quality of the connection. A high quality connection with good chemistry is the key to making sex happen, generally speaking. At least, its a prerequisite for something besides drunken one-night stands. And its still not a formula. But those are some guidelines and tips. Less game, more being authentic. Less dating and going on dates, but try to mean each one more, put more heart into it, or say "no" if you're heart isn't into it. Good luck.

 

[Tortendieb]

First thanks for taking the time. I don't agree with all of it, but I'd like to touch on some of the points:

As far as your bulleted list, just forget about all that sh1t. Please if you have a laundry list of stuff you believe you should be doing with a woman, stop, and do not do those things. Do instead exactly what you feel like.

That's exactly the thing! On the date I just forget all intent or whatever. Besides aiming for sex, I forget what I'd like to do, or my subconscious makes me not do it. I'm just so uninspired on dates which is why I'm gravitating to bullet lists now. The stuff on the list is of course what I'd like to do - and don't manage on many dates.

Funny, I like to dominate girls. Although I rarely make it happen on dates, if she's not chasing me already. Maybe it's just not enough experience yet or stuff.

The spark is supposed to just exist, and to grow into a flame on its own.

There was quite alot of chemistry when I first met her, which is why I've asked her out. I don't ask out girls if there's nothing there. But let me rephrase it: the spark was there, but it didn't really grow much.

It sounds like you have too much experience dating; it is a mechanical process for you that you are forcing along without regard to the actual underlying feelings in either yourself or the woman.

Interesting, but what am I to do about it? Listen to feelings? The term of "feelings" has always confused me and I can't relate to it. I left this behind in my teenage years. Actually I have commitment issues and not even alot of real friends. But that's another topic and I have no idea how to approach it.

I felt massively horny when I met her, if that's any indication. And I liked her personality, and the way she would look at me. But I get the point, you want me to create an emotional connection - you want me to fall in love. That's really tough, man.

 

[Suspens]

Glad to see more FRs. Better than those tiring "welp she replied 10 minutes later than usual" crap.

 

[Tortendieb]

I realize that girls' lukewarm interest often mirrors my own lukewarm interest. Other than I'm very horny and want to get them into bed.

But maybe there's something wrong with me - I haven't been super highly interested in a particular girl in a long time. I seem to bond with women only through very long or extreme exposure. This is a very very rare occurence.

You see, if I don't do these things I'd just work, train and sit at home all day, with nothing ever happening to me. Like I've done for years.

 

[ucde]

I realize that girls' lukewarm interest often mirrors my own lukewarm interest. Other than I'm very horny and want to get them into bed.

Right. There is an emotional dimension that you are not super tuned in to. Dont feel bad about it, we we're all like that at one point. But realize that emotions are super, super important to girls. Having sex without emotions has no purpose to a woman. (Generally).

But maybe there's something wrong with me - I haven't been super highly interested in a particular girl in a long time. I seem to bond with women only through very long or extreme exposure. This is a very very rare occurence.

Maybe you are experiencing some emotional numbness. Best way to counteract that is just to want to get in touch with your feelings more. As soon as you decide that you want to get in touch with your feelings, you will begin to do that.

It might be listening to some old music, hanging out with an old friend who helps you connect with that part of yourself. I don't know what it looks like for you.

You see, if I don't do these things I'd just work, train and sit at home all day, with nothing ever happening to me. Like I've done for years.

Yes, I understand. Realize the importance of emotions, and gradually you will gain awareness of your own and other peoples'. Then you will be able to understand what women are going through (oh boy, is that a big promise! I mean you kind of will be able to understand..), or at least 'sense' whats going on with them better. It will be a rewarding experience more than you might think right now. Best of luck. I certainly have been in a similar position, and decided to do this. It worked really goddamn well for me, though I'm not a baller and am currently single... sort of... good luck.