Found out she had been raped amongst other things

[Martel]

Let me preface this by saying I'm not the smoothest or socially aware guy...still have a lot to learn but getting better. I'm sure this is basic stuff, but bear with me.

I've been dating this chick casually for a few months along with a few others here and there, nothing serious. I've been kinoing her and kissing but getting subtly rebuffed when trying to escalate further. Anyways, she was finally comfortable with having sex and tells me in the middle that she has reservations because she's been raped before....besides killing the mood, I kind of freak out inside. We end up cuddling the rest of the night and she tells me she feels safe with me.

She had just returned about 6 months ago from living abroad for 8 years, partly for college. She told me she was raped while living stateside and then decided to study abroad, and that I'm the first guy she's been with since then.

There are a couple of other things that stick out in my mind:
1. She has "a lot" of debt from school and living abroad and wants to get a master's degree (and take on more debt) in something that I wouldn't consider as resulting in a decent increase in income.
2. She's mentioned she admires her mom and dad's healthy relationship and that her mom stopped working to raise kids.
3. She's has conservative political views but is a member of PETA.
4. I have a garage at my apartment and guest parking was full so I let her park in my garage one night while I used my vehicle-specific parking pass to park nearby. I came back after parking my car to close the automatic garage door and she had already closed it by physically forcing it down (granted this was after a few drinks).

To be honest, she might as well be going for her MRS degree and if this were to ever progress long term, I wouldn't want to have the additional burden of this debt.

She's smart, attractive, and seems to act well in social situations, but I'm thinking we're not a fit and it's time for me to stop seeing her. How do I break this off delicately?

I totally understand some of the trust issues she has from her past experience, and I want to be sensitive and not be the source of any further issues. By the way, she's 29 if that means anything.

 

[backbreaker]

the only person who knows what i am about to tell you now is my wife. I don't talk about it but it's 100% true. I actually can't believe I am going to say this out loud but I want to prove a point


When I was 11 years old i had a sleep over at one of my friends house, my best friend growing up. he had an older friend who was like 15 and he was bigger than all of us. to make a long story short, and to be pretty blunt he basically made me have sex with him. that was actually my very first sexual experience, with a fat white dude.

I don't like talking about it because well I'm not gay. I don't like men.

However, that event helps me put women dealing with things in the proper prepsetive.

I know how I dealt with it. my mom doesn't even know that. i never told anyone. i sure as fvck wasn't going to tell my dad. i didn't even tell the friend whose house i spent the night at. I just refused to spend the night if he was over there. I dealt with the issue by not putting myself in the same position again.

I get.... i get very very suspcious of any woman playing the rape card. very. that ordeal did not change how i feel or operate sexually in the least bit. hell 2 years later me and the same dude were on the same baseball team in pony league and i was even able to deal, with that with no real issues. we weren't best of friends or even friends but I was able to manage. he played catcher as well and i was one of the pitures and even still i was able to deal with it, ti put it out of my mind. i don't forgive him or even like him, but it's not something i dwell on.

i just know how i dealt with the situtation. i compartmentalized it and moved the fvck on with my life. it was a ****ty experience but is a i didn't let that cloud the rest of my life.

in fact, it's something i wish not to think about and usually do a pretty damn good job of not thinking about. so when i hear a woman bringing up this traamatic experience about this it or that about how a guy did this or that to her, that is a huge red flag to me, i know different buthings effect certain people differently but it doesn't make any sense to me wh y you want to keep reliving that. that is an event i do not wish to relive. at all. every time she says no every time she says not w she is mentally replaying that ordeal, if it happened in her head. that's not something that a rape victim will do.

i mean i can understand if it's somemthing really really tramatic, but even then, just not having sex is not how it works. when someon e goes through something that tramatic, they don't keep talking to men and just n ot have sex becuase she isn't ready, they are fearful of men period. they don't even go on dates. I like and trust you enough go out to eat with you to go over yourr house and spend the night but not enough to let you put your penis inside me? come on that's make believe land ****.

 

[Warrior74]

Dude. BB. I would delete that **** bro.

 

[Desdinova]

When considering a relationship with a woman, you have to decide what defects you can live with and which ones you cannot.

Anyways, she was finally comfortable with having sex and tells me in the middle that she has reservations because she's been raped before....

Women who have been raped or sexually abused are generally going to be fvcked up to some degree. How this is going to show up in the relationship will vary. She may be moody as hell, insecure about her body, or self-conscious every time she has sex. Regardless of how it shows up, it's going to affect the relationship.

1. She has "a lot" of debt from school and living abroad and wants to get a master's degree (and take on more debt) in something that I wouldn't consider as resulting in a decent increase in income.

What's important is not how much debt she has accumulated from schooling, but how she manages her money. If she buys a lot of garbage she doesn't need or buys herself lots of nice things, that debt is going to remain. If she's frugal about her personal belongings to help pay off her debt, then she has a good sense of responsibility.

2. She's mentioned she admires her mom and dad's healthy relationship and that her mom stopped working to raise kids.
3. She's has conservative political views but is a member of PETA.

None of this matters. Listen to her actions, not her words.

4. I have a garage at my apartment and guest parking was full so I let her park in my garage one night while I used my vehicle-specific parking pass to park nearby. I came back after parking my car to close the automatic garage door and she had already closed it by physically forcing it down (granted this was after a few drinks).

Did you tell her that you were going to close it? Perhaps she was being considerate.

She's smart, attractive, and seems to act well in social situations, but I'm thinking we're not a fit and it's time for me to stop seeing her. How do I break this off delicately?

There is no way to do it nicely. While other guys may tell you that it's more manly to break up in person, it really doesn't matter how you do it. I broke up with a woman while she was in my house which was a BAD idea. Women have the potential to destroy your 5hit when they're extremely upset.

It's difficult to do it and you'll feel bad for a little while afterwards, but it's part of life. If you believe you can find a better woman, then there's no point in delaying the breakup.

 

[Martel]

Hey backbreaker, thanks for sharing, that's some personal stuff and you must be pretty damn level-headed for handling a situation like that. I hear what you're saying about women reliving the traumatic experience and have read some horror stories of rape victums and destructive relationships afterwards, so I'm being extra cautious now that I know. In the end, I'm not really sure how she handled the situation emotionally.

Thanks for the reply Desdinova. I guess I'm being paranoid as I was in an acidic relationship last and basically said **** it afterwards and have been out of commission until a few months ago.

To give some more insight, she makes about 50% over minimum wage, has this school debt, yet insists on going dutch and is planning a vacation to Europe later this year. It just doesn't add up.

I enjoy being around her and all, and maybe I'm being too paranoid. Would it be worth sticking around and seeing where this goes, while still dating others of course? She's made no mention of being exclusive yet.

 

[Desdinova]

To give some more insight, she makes about 50% over minimum wage, has this school debt, yet insists on going dutch and is planning a vacation to Europe later this year. It just doesn't add up.

It almost sounds as if she's extremely selfish. Selfish women do things ONLY for their own immediate pleasure or benefit.

I enjoy being around her and all, and maybe I'm being too paranoid. Would it be worth sticking around and seeing where this goes, while still dating others of course? She's made no mention of being exclusive yet.

That's entirely up to you. If you enjoy her company, keep her around for a bit. There's nothing wrong with having an enjoyable time with a woman who may not be right for you. When it comes to commitment, that's when you need to start considering the consequences. If she starts pissing you off more than she adds to your happiness, then you need to cut her loose. It's YOUR overall happiness that counts in any relationship you happen to pursue. If you find yourself sacrificing your happiness for this woman, then the relationship is no longer beneficial to you.

 

[Jitterbug]

If you've only been seeing her casually for a couple of months and she told you she was raped, you can be sure that the story is fabricated or only exists in her mind. And you should run, run as fast as you can from her. You're about to be sucked into a world of pain.

 

[runner83]

Run Like Hell!!

 

[speed dawg]

Sounds to me like she's spoiled-rotten. Parents probably give her everything she wants. I'd be hesitant to believe she was raped. Drunk and taken advantage of? Maybe. But that's 95% her fault, although she'd never admit it.

 

[Robert28]

I'm not saying rape doesn't happen, however, I don't think it's as common as the media and others would have you believe. Yes young girls get raped by their parents, or their old horny weird uncle, or a cousin, etc.....it happens BUT NOT 3 OUT OF EVERY 5 GIRLS I MEET. that's just too big of a ratio. to hear most women talk, and some men, they all got molested or raped by their dad or someone at a young age. apparently I was the only son of a b!tch growing up with normal parents, normal friends, normal people in my life who didn't view me as some sick secret child fantasy lay. again, not saying this doesn't happen because it does and it's unfortunate, BUT I also think it's not as common as society would have you think. sure there are perverts in the world, but I also think that normal people outnumber them too. problem is, normal doesn't sell so the media doesn't want to cover that. are you going to sit at home and watch a story on Dateline about a boy or girl with a normal childhood, fine parents, etc? hell no, you want to watch a show where there's drama and crap. it sells. it's also used by some women(not all) as a way to make you feel sorry for them. women love to play the victim and what better way to play it then by a rape story? you can't prove it didn't happen and you end up going by what she says and have to take it as gospel. rape is not a one night stand that you were willing to do and then regret later and then cry rape. that's what I think happens alot of times and skews the numbers. child rape does happen BUT I think there are a greater number of good parents out there then there are ones that would ever do that to their child or any child out there.

 

[Iceberg]

I'm not saying rape doesn't happen, however, I don't think it's as common as the media and others would have you believe. Yes young girls get raped by their parents, or their old horny weird uncle, or a cousin, etc.....it happens BUT NOT 3 OUT OF EVERY 5 GIRLS I MEET. that's just too big of a ratio. to hear most women talk, and some men, they all got molested or raped by their dad or someone at a young age.

I was going to say the same thing, but I was too lazy to write.

Seems like every semi-BPD chick I dated has some "rape" story. You'd think that there are roving bands of Vikings going through the suburbs raping women left and right. Oh, and not going to jail afterwards.

See, the thing is, these girls have these rape stories. But then when you ask for more details, they never reported the guy to the police. They never told mom and dad. But yet, after a few weeks of dating, these women will confide in you (some random hookup) that they've been raped. One of the most damaging and private moments a person could have.

So, yeah I know for a fact that people get raped. It happened to someone very close to me in my family. Except that she did the normal thing, which was to call the cops. And the guy got arrested, he pleaded guilty, and got locked up for 10 years. But I often don't trust these stories of rape from girls, especially very early on in the relationship, and more ESPECIALLY when these girls already have a track record of being dramatic.

If it were something your girl confides to you after 5 years of dating, that's one thing. But after 5 weeks, 5 months or whatever....it just feels too "soap opera-y".

 

[The Duke]

Let me share a little insight about a situation my girlfriends best friend told her about rape....

For simplification lets call my gf's best friend "Heather". Heather went out to the bar with an ex-boyfriend one night. The two hadn't seen each other for over 2 years. Well the guy drank too much to drive very far and since Heather lived so close to the bar they stayed at her house. Next thing you know Heather invites this guy into her bed but never declares her intentions.

Next they are rubbing each others naughty parts and then the guy takes it to the next step and puts it in her.

Well all of the sudden she puts the brakes on it and tells him to stop so the guy does.

Next morning Heather feels the guilt of cheating on her current boyfriend because of what she did and dreams up the story that she was raped to try and somewhat justify her actions.

She never followed thru with any charges, but its just pathetic how a woman will put herself in a situation that she knows may lead to something she does not want, cheat on her boyfriend, then try and concoct a story about how she was raped to justify it all and spread blame elsewhere but on herself.

Yeah I don't buy all their stories either. Remember what you are dealing with.

 

[Robert28]

Let me share a little insight about a situation my girlfriends best friend told her about rape....

For simplification lets call my gf's best friend "Heather". Heather went out to the bar with an ex-boyfriend one night. The two hadn't seen each other for over 2 years. Well the guy drank too much to drive very far and since Heather lived so close to the bar they stayed at her house. Next thing you know Heather invites this guy into her bed but never declares her intentions.

Next they are rubbing each others naughty parts and then the guy takes it to the next step and puts it in her.

Well all of the sudden she puts the brakes on it and tells him to stop so the guy does.

Next morning Heather feels the guilt of cheating on her current boyfriend because of what she did and dreams up the story that she was raped to try and somewhat justify her actions.

She never followed thru with any charges, but its just pathetic how a woman will put herself in a situation that she knows may lead to something she does not want, cheat on her boyfriend, then try and concoct a story about how she was raped to justify it all and spread blame elsewhere but on herself.

Yeah I don't buy all their stories either. Remember what you are dealing with.

it's stories like that I've heard hundreds of thousands of times. when I hear a woman claim "rape" I automatically get leary of its legitimacy. I know that's bad, but I cant help it because all the stories that were hard to believe make it difficult to believe the real ones. its like the guy that cried wolf too many times and then when a wolf showed up the town people thought he was pulling a joke and it killed him. rape is claimed so often now that it gets watered down to where you get immune to hearing about it because its claimed so much.

another thing is that as easily as some women cry rape, it makes a guy like me hesitant to make a move on a girl or be aggressive because I dont want that girl regretting it the next day and then ruining my life because she changed her mind the next day. when a girl tells me "you need to be more aggressive" I cant help but think "yeah and then you holler rape later on". you cant have it both ways.

 

[yuppaz]

Hey BB - I'm sorry you had that happen to you as a kid, no kid should ever have to go through something like that.

 

[Martel]

It almost sounds as if she's extremely selfish. Selfish women do things ONLY for their own immediate pleasure or benefit.

Interesting observation. Last week she calls me up and wants me to go with her to see this foreign film at an indy theater - up until that point all dates have been planned by me. She called me tonight to set up a date at a local comedy club this weekend and wants me to go to a baseball game with her the week after. I think next time I'll say no and propose a different activity even if I want to do what she does to see how she reacts.

If you've only been seeing her casually for a couple of months and she told you she was raped, you can be sure that the story is fabricated or only exists in her mind. And you should run, run as fast as you can from her. You're about to be sucked into a world of pain.

Run Like Hell!!

You guys are probably right. She calls me today to chat and says she was going to hand in her resignation at work (she's worked there for about 4 weeks), got in an argument with her boss to the point where other people asked her about it afterwards, but thinks he sees her point about how the organization could be run better and she might get a raise out of it...why do women say stuff like this? She'll probably lose her job instead.

I've got dates with new women this weekend so I'll see how that goes. Thanks for your advice everyone.

 

[Jitterbug]

She sounds like my ex. Stick around a little longer and you will get the "I think I'm pregnant" scare too.

Cut all contacts from this woman and stay as far away from her as you can.

 

[iqqi]

BB, your story is really F'd up, sounds like you were molested basically. Which is very common. Rape is also pretty common, despite all the fake and skewed accusations that go along with it. Just because some people are idiots doesn't mean it isn't a real problem that really happens.

Also BB, molestations and rapes are all different case by case. I also have a molestation incident from my childhood. I've done the same as you, I've compartmentalized it and it doesn't bother me at all now as an adult, and it didn't as a child either. It was basically an older kid, same as you. However if it were an adult, I might be more messed up. Also I think that if I was an adult woman, and a man who was bigger than me held me down and forced his pen!s inside me, I'd probably have more issues. There would probably be even more issues if it was very violent, or if it were a stranger who broke into my safe home. So it isn't really fair to use your own situation to judge another's, because their's was probably much different then your own.

My main point here, is don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Yes, there are dumb b!tches who play the rape card, but there are definitely a lot of women being raped for real. It's not going to help anyone to gloss over that fact.

As for the OP, she sounds like she needs therapy, and you are not her therapist. The fact that she lacked the good judgement to not bring some sh!t like that up during sex tells you everything you need to know. I don't think she is that terrible of a person, but she definitely needs some therapy and she needs to be mature enough to go get it before messing around with anyone.

 

[backbreaker]

oh i agree. the girl that brought me here that i posted about for 4 years, she had "daddy issues" and when i say daddy issues, just use your imaginiation. it was so bad that when her mom worked out of town she woulod not stay home with ihm alone she would come spend the night over my house, regardless of how pissed off we were at each other that was just understood. and i knew her dad eough to know he wasn't playing around. he would come home drunk and hit on his own daughter.

but at the same women have found out that, it's the ultimate attention ***** card that you will never get called out on. the second that you suggest that she is posssibly full of **** the entire society will come down on you like a house of cards. she knows she will never be held accoutable.

people think we guys here are bitter, i don't see alot of it as bitterness just call you on your **** ness if that makes sense.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Dude. BB. I would delete that **** bro.

I'm pretty sure he knew what he was doing when he posted that. He's aware of what some people will think, but in revealing this hopefully he's helped someone else.

Backy, my man, it takes a lot of courage sharing that and I admire you for it. Well all have our issues, some worse than others so I completely understand where you're coming from, revealing something that traumatic.

Good on ya

 

[backbreaker]

I'm pretty sure he knew what he was doing when he posted that. He's aware of what some people will think, but in revealing this hopefully he's helped someone else.

Backy, my man, it takes a lot of courage sharing that and I admire you for it. Well all have our issues, some worse than others so I completely understand where you're coming from, revealing something that traumatic.

Good on ya

yeah honestly I mean it's not something i even think about anymore but it happened and it is what it is. honestly it's not even really that big of a deal.
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i mean as a kid growing up and me being who i was i got picked on as it was and if someone found o ut something like that growing up i would have been done socially but now that i am older and more comfotable in my skin it's something i can ackwoweldge yet at the same not harp on.

even my oneitis. I mean make no mistake she has issues. but in reality my main beef with her was that she didn't like ME. she really isn't that bad of a person besides being somewhat of a golddigger, and considering what she went through she has no real long term effecdts, she doesn't wear her experience on her sleeve like some of these douchy women do and it has had no adverse effect on her personal sex life. she defiantly doesn't talk about it with people she just met. there might b e like 3 people in the whole world that know that about her.

just whenever someone says this crap that's like a denzel washington crimson tide pull the alarm in the sub alert to me. loll and the guy that said the fake pregno is coming is dead on. i've had that happen a fefw times. it's like those are the 2 things they know will get a man's attention they are like the big and little joker in spades. they trump all.