Forgiving myself...

[squirrels]

I've tried for years to figure out why I am the way I am...I think it comes down to one thing: I can't forgive myself for anything that I've done wrong.

I'm not sure where that trait comes from. My successes I enjoy in the moment, but my failures keep stacking up, leaving a mountain on my back that just keeps getting larger and larger. I'm a perfectionist...perfection is the only alternative, anything else is "unworthy". But perfection is seldom obtained in life, and I see that as a failure of myself to live up to what I think life should be.

I'm not sure what the goal of my life is. I'm not sure if there IS a set goal. But it seems like everything I do, I feel that I'm "wasting time" that I should be doing something else. Even though there really IS nothing else at the time.

I have a hard time convincing myself that I DESERVE things like wealth, success, love...I feel like I have yet to EARN those things, and this puts me in a very awkward place socially. Even when people are nice to me, I feel like I haven't EARNED that and I keep waiting for myself to screw up, so it can stack one more less-than-perfect failure on top of my past.

I seriously don't even feel like I DESERVE people's friendship or love...when I receive it, I feel like it's an act of mercy, and that makes me feel even more worthless. I don't trust my friends...I mean I trust them not to screw me over financially or anything like that, but I keep waiting for them to realize that I'm not deserving of their time and leave me. Which is inevitably what they do...it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because my lows stick with me and my highs tend to be fleeting, sometimes (many times) I feel like it's easier to do NOTHING than to try to act, try to talk to someone or make a new friend or chat up a girl. If I succeed in my aim, I'll feel better for a short time, but if I fail, it'll stick with me as a reminder of my own imperfection and "unworthiness". It's like I'm working from inside a hole and there's no getting out...only whether or not you dig deeper.

I resent people who feel like they can just do what they want in life. I see the kinds of people who can just be social with anyone, or take up a new hobby or adventure, and I ask myself, "Who are THEY that they think they deserve to be happy?" And then I think to myself, if them, then why not me? But I'm carrying a heavy burden of sins and mistakes that I can't put down.

Why not? Maybe because I'll feel like I'm "letting myself off the hook". I feel like I DESERVE to suffer for my mistakes as a reminder not to make them again. As a force driving me toward perfection. But lately all they do is drive me into the ground and break my spirit.

It was easier to seduce women when I didn't care about them. Back when I could just be an "a-hole" and accept that I WAS an "a-hole", I didn't care about f*cking up or hurting someone's feelings or messing up a perfect situation. It was easy then. But I wasn't ME. I'm a good person. I'm not a jerk, and I can't BE a jerk any more. But I haven't been able to be the GOOD guy...not yet...because I don't feel like I deserve to be. I know who I WANT to be, but I feel like the me who IS isn't worthy enough to do the things that the me I WANT to be would do in certain situations.

Is it a neurosis? Yeah, probably is. "So just forgive yourself, squirrels! Let go!" It's easy to say. But it's like when you tell someone, "Do whatever you can to not think about a green hippopotamus"...whats' teh first thing that pops into their mind?

I dont' even know what I hate myself for any more.

I feel like if I forgive myself for my mistakes, I'll be acknowledging that I'm not perfect. It feels like "giving up".

I'm not even sure what I want to be perfect AT any more either. Everything, I guess. But there are some things that I'm downright horrible at. And I feel like I shouldn't be.

What woman would WANT to be with me, I ask myself? And there have been many who seemed like they woudl, but I always attributed that to them not knowing me for who I really am...an imperfect loser. Eventually they get the idea. I either project onto them, or I start losing confidence...or put off the vibe that I'm just WAITING for them to realize how much of a loser I am and go find a "winner".

I mean, I'm not a "loser" in the traditional sense. I'm a 28 year old "young urban professional" working in the IT industry, making very respectable money. I have my own house which I pay for myself, I drive a very nice car, I stay in shape, I have some interesting hobbies, I've travelled, I read, I have a quick wit and an amazing ability to learn, I have a crazy sense of humor, a big heart, and...damn, I'm GOOD LOOKING to boot.

But its' not enough. None of it's enough. I should be a millionaire with my own fortune 500 company. I should be a rock-star who wins UFC titles in his spare time. I should be on the cover of People Magazine's "sexiest celebs" issue. I should've found the cure for cancer by now. I should be the first man on Mars.

Maybe I expect too much of myself. But if there are OTHER people who CAN do those things, then am I not just a loser compared to those people?

And then there's the f*ckers around me who aren't worth a million bucks but ACT like they are. And somehow they manage to "fool" everyone and lead VERY happy lives. What right do THEY have? How does the world come to THEM? I'm at least honest with myself by saying that I'm worthless.

This is a suffering that I've CHOSEN for myself, even if subconsciously. For some reason, I CAN'T make the opposite choice. I can't bring myself to forgive myself, to allow myself to do and say the things that I feel like I OUGHT to be able to do and say because I don't feel like I, as a human being, deserve to be able to do/say them.

WTF is wrong with me?

 

[reset]

There's probably nothing wrong with you other than 28 years of bad programming. I've got almost 31 years of it on this end. Just goes to show that the outside things don't matter.... you've got your own home and feel like crap. I've lived in the same small bedroom since I was twelve years old and want my own place so bad I can't think straight (looking for a new job, with a raise I should be able to swing my own studio apt.).

Like me you think more than most people, which is a blessing and a curse, always trying to discover what you are and why you do what you do. Like you, I always thought I should have saved the world by now. It's a trap. The higher the expectations the least likely you will accomplish ANYTHING... and not have to face change.

You say you can't forgive yourself, I lived much of my life with this weird feeling of guilt that I couldn't understand (well, my family is very religious and always told me I would go to hell if I didn't become a christian like them--scary stuff) so I guess it's kind of the same thing. That feeling went away when I just flat out rejected the concept of the devil and a loving god sending his "children" to hell--I ain't that bad. Eternal torture just for being human? That's b.s. My feelings of self-worth didn't kick in until that happened. Anyway that's MY story...

But you capped the word DESERVE several times and I went through the EXACT same thing about a month ago and it was a big step for me, because I figured I DID deserve the best from life. It was like a huge revelation, I just said it over and over again that I DESERVE this or that. Why? Just because. Seriously. I'm a human being and that's enough.

This is where my spiritual side has kicked in. The concept that I'm no better or worse than anyone else, and that the simple fact that I'm here on earth is proof enough to me I deserve the best, as much as any other person.

The only judgement is our own. There is no one out there going to give you permission to be happy, or to approve of you and say "well, in my opinion you deserve to be happy, so there you go. Run with that. I approve."

You know enough that it all comes from within, and you've spent enough years searching for it from without, and it didn't work. It doesn't work.

I believe you get what you focus on. Guys like Interceptor and Charm would back me up here. I truly believe that the thoughts you have become what you experience, and the more you think a thought the more it grows and the stronger it gets, until that's what you identify with and say "that is me".

But you can change it---you truly have the power to believe anything you want to about yourself, good or bad, and it's going to be accurate whatever you choose. If you think you're f'd up, that's what you get. If you think you're getting it together and learning to live a happy life, that's what you get too. You have all the power. That's kind of what makes it so scary--to really grasp the responsibility you and you alone have to control your life. No one else can do it for you, but others can help you to change your thinking habits, which will change the way you feel, which will change your entire life.

What I just wrote to you is exactly what I'm going through, and the conclusions I'm coming to, right now.

Hope that helped slightly.

 

[Phyzzle]

I think I may have said in a thread of yours before: you need a hobby!

Okay, you have some interesting hobbies, but I think you have an ingrained massive desire to be the BEST at something. Not just the best among your friends, but the best in your country, the best in the world, arguably the finest practitioner of X who has ever lived.

I would seriously consider throwing a touch of obsession into a slightly obscure interest of yours. No, it doesn't have to be lucrative. You aren't going to be the best IT guy. (Would your really want to be? Not judging by the serious IT gurus I know!) Just be really good at something to the point where you can be introduced to new people, and blow their minds.

"Yes, work is going fine. Now take a look at these underwater photos I've gotten published." Or "Now take a look at this wood sculpture, and THIS CHAINSAW BZZZZZAAAA!!"

I'm at least honest with myself by saying that I'm worthless.

Many psychologists have said that the clinically depressed have a more realistic view of their place in life . . . happiness ultimately requires exaggerating your own importance.

One more thing: cause and effect are often blurred in the human mind. Does happiness make you smile . . . or does smiling make you happy? Both, of course.

 

[reset]

I agree with Phyzzle, for me it's music. I do enjoy the field I work in, but writing music is the one constant, and the better I get at it the more potential I have to do something special with it. It's the one thing I've found that stops time, gets my mind off women, and makes me feel like I've got a larger purpose, by expressing myself through it. It's my PASSION.

 

[MightyMate]

Music is the best thing world ever gave. Only sex compares to it. Hopefully i got alot of that.

 

[joekerr31]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=v0jDXoPjP7U

the problem with life is that we are always waiting and hoping for that moment / event where we can say 'THAT is what my life was about!"

the problem is that it never comes. for women its having kids. but for men, there is no such moment.

no matter how fit you are you can always be fitter. no matter how rich, you can be richer. no matter how successful you are, you can always be more successful.

for men its endless. for women all they have to do is pop out some kids and then they feel like their life had meaning.

for us guys, theres nothing that will give you that sense that your life is 'complete'. even if you make it to the top, it won't 'satisfy' you, it will be anti-clamatic - because while you may reach the top odds are you'll also be in your 50s and will fixated on how most of your life is over.

the only way out of this prison of being uncontent with life, is to live in the moment. its a VERY hard thing to do. 90% of people at any given time are either thinking about the past or worrying about the future. 10% of folks are actually living in the now.

 

[RemixViking]

Do something that you know 99% of the men out there would quit if they tried, or better yet, wouldn't even dare try. Test your will. Just choose the test.

 

[STR8UP]

And then there's the f*ckers around me who aren't worth a million bucks but ACT like they are. And somehow they manage to "fool" everyone and lead VERY happy lives. What right do THEY have? How does the world come to THEM? I'm at least honest with myself by saying that I'm worthless.

You could have just written this one paragraph and I could have told you your problem.

Lets put it this way. People are very good at putting up a front. But I have seen behind the curtain, behind the thin veneer that gives the out ward appearance of happiness. Even thought the shell might look normal, that's no guarantee that the egg inside isn't rotten. Stop holding yourself to an unrealistic standard.

 

[drmeathead]

dude

**** it. everything is half chance. dont worry. yuo are a cool dude. people dont agree. **** em. have fun enjoy yourself. if people dont enjoy you back who cares, really?

 

[Interceptor]

You're focusing intently on the very things you cannot control.

The only thing you can control is YourSELF.
You are not responsible for another person's feelings. Only your own.
How you handle that is entirely internal, it's all up to you.

Your greatest resource is your emotional strength, the ability to evenly handle all of life's events with a calm, detached manner.

Work on building that resource.
It is the foundation to all the other things you want in your life.

 

[Bible_Belt]

What woman would WANT to be with me, I ask myself?

Women are constantly asking themselves what a desireable man would want with them. The girls you see are even less self-confident than you, I guarantee. Most womens' self-esteem is completely in the gutter. Even if yours is low, realize that it is still high compared to whatever woman you're talking to.

 

[thefonz]

It is easy to be an a-hole....REALLY easy. Theres nothing wrong with being an a-hole once in awhile, I suspect you were doing it way too much. Do as each situation entitles. Ie. live in the moment. If you need to bring out ******* qualities because the situation calls for it than think for yourself and be a little bit of an a-hole. However, I wouldn't call it that. Most of the time I do it because I'm either trying to have a little fun or I"m dealing with potential threats. There's no reason to be 1 dimensional and constantly be a **** to people. If your truly good than people will pick up on those good traits when you radiate truth and goodness and not label you one way or the other. It will simply come out as "That's just squirrels being squirrels." Don't label yourself like that.

 

[STR8UP]

Women are constantly asking themselves what a desireable man would want with them. The girls you see are even less self-confident than you, I guarantee. Most womens' self-esteem is completely in the gutter. Even if yours is low, realize that it is still high compared to whatever woman you're talking to.

I have only known maybe a handful of women who aren't insecure as hell, and all of them were too MASCULINE. It would seem that insecurity is essentially a feminine trait.