Forgive and Forget?

[Impromptu]

Hey guys.

I'm just wondering what you guys would probably do in my situation because I find myself confused at times.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for two and a half years. Everything's been great, but there was one point in our relationship where she started telling me about how she feels that I haven't been giving her much attention or showing her any affection. It started around the beginning of the 2006 New Year up until maybe March. One of her reasons was because I was late on giving her a Valentines Day present. On the night of Valentines day (after I had given her a pillow, but not a card), she sends me a text message telling me how sad she is that I didn't even get her a card. Of course, that wasn't the only reason, but I guess it was how I acted towards her since January.

The thing is that, I was at a point in my life where I felt I needed to improve myself in many aspects and in order to do that, I wasn't able to spend as much time with her as I wanted to. So I can admit that what she says is a little bit true, that I haven't been giving her as much attention as I used to (not that the attention I used to give her was overboard).

Now the sucky part is...my girlfriend keeps a journal that tells the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She told me that she was keeping one, but she told me she didn't want me to read it until we get married or something like that (yeah I know what you all are gonna say about that). And I've known she had a journal ever since last December or so. But one day, I forced her to show it to me, and she did.

I found out that she'd been talking to some other guy over the phone and over her computer through instant message. I know a lot of you guys might not consider that cheating, but to me, I find it as a big disrespect to our relationship. She admitted in her journal that "whenever she didn't like me...she liked the other guy." They haven't actually been seeing eachother physically, since he lives a few states away (she just used to have an attraction towards him when she used to live near him before moving where she currently is.) They've been talking to eachother latenights on the phone and on the internet for about a month before I found out. She also spoke about a dream she had at night in which he kissed her and she let him. Not so pretty images for someone who's been with her for two and a half years.

She tells me that the only reason she did so was because I wasn't giving her any attention at all and was because she felt I didn't care for her anymore. It all makes sense too though because I found out through her journal that she started talking to him at the same time she started to complain about me.

After a long and hard talk, I decided to forgive her and she promised she would never do it again and told me that she'll try to be stronger emotionally. She even threw away her journal and discarded anything that had to do with the other guy (blocking him on her messaging list and not answering his phone calls).

Now, the reason why I'm so upset was because since I first started dating her, I knew in my mind that everything was perfect. I'm in my 2nd year of college and we started dating after hs graduation. I was her first kiss and first many other things. Everything was played out perfectly from the beginning. And I know for a fact that I was the #1 guy in her life for a very long time because she proved it very consistently through her actions.

I know for sure now that this guy means nothing to her, but it just bothers me that this is the very first time she decided to disrespect our relationship. I'm still with her but I'm always having doubts in my mind, because I'm too used to the perfect relationship we'd been having for the past two years. Now everything feels weird for me and I can't tell if I'm over-reacting or not.

Sorry for the super long post, but I'm just used to giving all the details. Plus, I'm hoping not to get flamed, which is why I posted in the mature forum.

To me, I feel like she's cheated, though to other guys it might not seem like a big deal. It's just that she's so innocent about everything and I'm so used to her loving and caring that it just breaks me to think that she had another guy in mind for a time in her life while she was with me.

So am I over-reacting or what?

 

[Egoist]

wait so you are a ****ty selfish boyfriend and you are mad at her because she chats with other guys and had a dream?

grow the fvck up. better yet, leave her and let her be happy with a real man while you figure your sh!t out.

Oh and maybe you should have posted this in like high school forum. This is not exactly a "mature man" post.. Even though I am sure you know it all.

 

[WestCoaster]

At age 20, I'd quit worrying about "ONE" girl and date a lot. You have the rest of your life to be tied down. Ages 20-30 should be a time of plenty of dating and experimenting.

You don't get those years back. It's time to move on from this gal ... even if you did think higher of her. Why? Because you're freaking 20 -- two years removed from f'n high school.

Man, wish I was 20 again ... I got caught up in the same LTR bullsh-t that got me nowhere. Another newsflash: women are at their peak physically and sexually from 20-30 and after that -- unless they stay in great shape -- it's downhill.

Enjoy your 20's man, go out and date many.

 

[Desdinova]

I agree 100% with Westcoaster.

However, I know what it's like to invest a lot of time into a LTR. You want to keep going, and you don't want to throw those years of effort into the trash.

Unfortunately, the "forgive and forget" can justify what she did, and it also doesn't remove the damage that has been done. One thing I decided to make clear at the beginning of ANY LTR I had, was that the person only got one chance. If she screwed it up, she was out the door.

She could possibly think that she can get away with what she did and you'll forgive her again. Your trust in her is tarnished, and with good reason. How many other things will she do behind your back?

Another thing to keep in mind, going along with what Westcoaster said, is that when women reach their early 20s, they realize they don't want to be in a LTR. They'll end up leaving the man they're with and want to "live life". In other words, you'd better realize that there is a damn good chance that your LTR will not last for the 50 years you're hoping for, let alone 5 years.

 

[Jamo]

forgive, but never forget

 

[WestCoaster]

Actually, I'll get back to the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about: If he was with her when he was 17 and now he's 20; he's dated only girls, not women. I know, it's tough to forgive, forget, and even get out of LTR's -- especially at 20 when you don't yet have the emtional or DJ skills to do it well.

But he's 20, and that's the issue here. Even if it was a great relationship, it's still best to be single and free at 20. I considered marriage at 20 as I was in a LTR ... I didn't know any better. A chimpanzee was about as good a match as this woman was for me, but we were enjoying the starry-eyed and physical aspects of the relationship, and me being an immature AFC thought I should look into marriage.

Luckily my inner (repressed) DJ spoke up and said, "No way!"

At 20, I'd be trolling for lots of dates. Might as well because if you don't, at 40 you'll be kicking yourself.

Where's Rollo T. to agree with me ... and write it better than I did.

 

[Desdinova]

Luckily my inner (repressed) DJ spoke up and said, "No way!"

See, that's what didn't happen to me. I would have remained content in my LTR with a woman who didn't love me. I would have married her because I wanted to be her knight in shining armour. If the b1tch didn't leave me, I wouldn't have done a search on google and found this site. I would have went ahead with a wedding if she would have remained with me.

From what I've seen, guys usually won't listen to any advice until they hit a rock bottom point in their love life. My (then) gf went to an amusement park with a guy she had a crush on while I was out of town. She informed me of this, and I even poked fun at her for having a crush on this guy. I was too goddam stupid to realize my relationship was already dead.

After she left me, I found a note that she was going to give to one of her crushes. Even though I found it, I still wanted the wh0re back. I'm goddam thankful all I lost was the engagement ring that I paid for, rather than losing my happiness and tons of money paying for a divorce.

Our friend Impromptu at least has the ears to hear his gut saying "Wait a minute, something's not right here" although he's trying to deny it through forgiveness.

At 20, I'd be trolling for lots of dates.

To hell with age 20, I wish I was 16 again! I would have been sarging all the hotties that I secretly admired. But life has a hard way of teaching you lessons, doesn't it?

 

[WestCoaster]

Des, as always, great stuff. I hope people listen to us, I speak from experience. Some of the things I limited myself to in my 20's because I was with a woman is insane. I limited my job propects, travel, dating others ... for the sake of women who weren't even right for me.

Live a wild, fun life from 20-30 ... worry about being old, responsbile, and tied down for later.

Youth is wasted on the young ...

 

[DoubleA]

Not Rollo T. but Rollo

Ah yes... young love. What a ruse!

Man I'd disregard that small stuff. Take a deep breath and understand it could be worse. Why don't you get a pen pal of your own to occupy your time. Both of you are too serious as it is for your age. Live a little.

Man, don't put too much stock into these relationships in these years of your life. Enjoy the moment for what it's worth. These might be the best years of your life. She won't be the last woman you'll meet.

 

[WestCoaster]

Good stuff Rollo without the T. ... one thing that's really hard to understand at 20, younger or just a little older, is that these relationships don't mean squat at that age. I wasn't very mature at that age and emotions ruled my every being. Logic? Tossed out the window.

Correct, she won't be the last woman he meets and he should enjoy the moment. Go to college or trade school, and you are in college, take advantage of the plethora of women who love men ... they'll start hating them in a few years. In college they flat-out love men, even with their flaws. They're so forgiving, that's why the drunk, poorly dressed slob is getting booty, the women just love men ... then after a few years of brainwashing, meeting older, bitter women, and getting burned by losers, they'll start hating men. Sadly, I see it every day where I work. Young women = great. Older women = bitter.

Twenty-year old women? Man, wish I was your age ... they're in their prime and YOU are in your prime, too.

To quote an old, antiquated Beach Boys tune, you should be having "Fun, Fun, Fun."

 

[Impromptu]

I greatly appreciate all of the responses. Yes, EVERY one of them .

Even after being here since 2001, I see I've still much to learn. But I've learned a lot even with just this relationship. It was the DJing techniques that I've learned through this website that got her IL in me so high for a very long time (we dated for a long time before she started telling all her friends that I was her boyfriend).

I'll just follow Rollo's advice and enjoy the moment for what it's worth.

Cheers