For the ones handling frame in LTRs

[kenpiffyjr]

For you guys who have great frame in your LTRs...can you explain the way you "care" about the females? What I mean is...to me Oneitis is a male being "in love" or very damn close to it. We preach about the cancer that is oneitis but I want to know the mental state of guys who are in ltr, have great frame, but love their woman.

It's easy to talk about how you don't need women to make you happy, she's along for the ride, and etc. I get that. But what's the optimum level of how you really feel about the woman when you have your frame down pact? Like if your wedding was today and you were standing up there reading your for better or worse...what's the real state of love you express. The reason I ask is because it's hard for me to reach a point where I can say "I love this girl". I care about her, but in love? To me that's oneitis. I need to know from the vets if this is as good as it gets?

 

[SadoMasochrist]

Imagine she is your daughter, and compartmentalize seducing\sex. Tease her, play with her, show her love. But never expect that she'll let you supplicate and then love you. Demonstrate your love through action, and reciprocate verbally, but at a diminished level of reciprocation, so as to not create a mother\son dynamic.

 

[zekko]

Like if your wedding was today and you were standing up there reading your for better or worse...what's the real state of love you express.

For me, part of holding the frame means not putting her into a position where she has power over your life or your assets. That means not getting married.

That said, I've found that relationships work better for me when my feelings aren't so intense - I can keep my head better. When a man is "head over heels", he has a harder time keeping perspective. I think when a man has that much emotion it can be a sign that the relationship is out of balance. Relationships work better when the man can keep some emotional distance.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

The reason I ask is because it's hard for me to reach a point where I can say "I love this girl". I care about her, but in love? To me that's oneitis. I need to know from the vets if this is as good as it gets?

Do you think you've actually ever loved any girl?

It's interesting you mentioned this because I was considering posting a topic what people think love is. My hunch is that what young people (around 20) think love is today versus 100 years ago has changed drastically, thus unrealistic expectations from both people are setting themselves up for failure.

Can you see yourself growing old with this person? Building a life together that you can both appreciate and enjoy? Can you see yourself being happy enough with her that you don't need other women in your life? It is possible to have a successful LTR even today in America but I think each person needs to be realistic about what they bring to the table, what they want from the other person, and what their goals are in life.

 

[Yewki]

What I mean is...to me Oneitis is a male being "in love" or very damn close to it. We preach about the cancer that is oneitis but I want to know the mental state of guys who are in ltr, have great frame, but love their woman.

Having oneitis with a girl you're in a serious, exclusive relationship is probably a good thing, actually.

Having oneitis with a girl you just met, or went on a date with, or banged a few times, etc is not good on the other hand.

 

[dustmuffin]

Go over and take a look at married red pill. They might have a few answers for you.

 

[phillies]

Having oneitis with a girl you're in a serious, exclusive relationship is probably a good thing, actually.

Having oneitis with a girl you just met, or went on a date with, or banged a few times, etc is not good on the other hand.

Heading oneitis is never a good thing. This is terrible advice. This is what insecure codependent people to and it's unhealthy.

 

[Reykhel]

For me, part of holding the frame means not putting her into a position where she has power over your life or your assets. That means not getting married.

That said, I've found that relationships work better for me when my feelings aren't so intense - I can keep my head better. When a man is "head over heels", he has a harder time keeping perspective. I think when a man has that much emotion it can be a sign that the relationship is out of balance. Relationships work better when the man can keep some emotional distance.

Agree with @zekko. It depends on your level of interest or how in control you are.

It's so much easier to run things your way when she has a higher level of interest than you do.

 

[ubercat]

I'm generally an LTR guy. I find the whole dating thing too much overhead. As usual I'm somewhere in the Middle on this issue. Whenever I can I get Asian girls as I find them cute and they seem to have a good ability to belong to a man at any age. So generally I'm starting with good material and that cuts down the need to screen so much. E.g. current Chinese girl is coming over today and she automatically wanted to bring food over.

Firmly believe in maintaining your own hobbies interests and Friends and keeping up your personal appearance. But as for keeping backup plans while you are in the relationship really guys do we care that much. You don't actually cease to exist without a woman in tow.

 

[Reykhel]

I'm generally an LTR guy. I find the whole dating thing too much overhead. As usual I'm somewhere in the Middle on this issue. Whenever I can I get Asian girls as I find them cute and they seem to have a good ability to belong to a man at any age. So generally I'm starting with good material and that cuts down the need to screen so much. E.g. current Chinese girl is coming over today and she automatically wanted to bring food over.

Firmly believe in maintaining your own hobbies interests and Friends and keeping up your personal appearance. But as for keeping backup plans while you are in the relationship really guys do we care that much. You don't actually cease to exist without a woman in tow.

Great post. So true, the most important thing is to keep living your life.

The best piece of advice I heard was "create a really happy single life before you get into a relationship" and that means a really happy life that you have to ask yourself "where would I fit a relationship into my life right now?"

.....and then when you do meet a girl......maintain that "single life mentality"

that's independence....

Not only are you protecting your own skin......but you are making yourself more attractive to her too...

 

[ohrein]

I don't think anyone really nailed the core of his question. I think he's asking about what he should be "feeling" to know he's in the right position mentally within an LTR. Can you feel "love" for a woman in an LTR without it being oneitis. Answer is absolutely.

Here's how I look at it :

Oneitis - High school love. Woman on a pedestal. She is the one. She is perfect. She is irreplaceable. She is a soulmate. This is bad. She's another flawed human like everyone else. She's a slave to her biology. She is replaceable. She is like a nice car. Great to have, not the end of the world to lose.

Red pill "love" - It's more of a love you'd feel for your friends with the addition of sexual attraction. You appreciate the person but your world doesn't revolve around them. You accept that they are flawed and likely to hurt you. The relationship is likely to end. You are okay with this.

Does that create a distinction for you?

 

[zekko]

Oneitis - High school love. Woman on a pedestal. She is the one. She is perfect. She is irreplaceable. She is a soulmate. This is bad. She's another flawed human like everyone else. She's a slave to her biology. She is replaceable. She is like a nice car. Great to have, not the end of the world to lose.

Red pill "love" - It's more of a love you'd feel for your friends with the addition of sexual attraction. You appreciate the person but your world doesn't revolve around them. You accept that they are flawed and likely to hurt you. The relationship is likely to end. You are okay with this.

Agree with that completely.

 

[Colossus]

I think you guys need to revisit your definitions of "oneitis".

Oneitis is an irrational, unrequited infatuation with another person as your one and only chance at romantic fulfillment. Unrequited being the key word here; meaning not returned or rewarded.

I also use the word infatuation because oneitis is not really love. Love is an action, not so much a feeling, and there are different kinds of love. You can have multiple different kinds of love for the same person. But infatuation is defined as "an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something". By very definition it cannot be based in reality. And neither is oneitis. You arent seeing that person for their totality---the good, the bad, and the ugly---just the limited dimensions you are romanticizing.

The infatuation of oneitis is so intense that it blots out any notion that there might actually be other women out there who are better for you and who will return your affections---e.g. healthy, mutual love. Oneitis is a unilateral obsession. And you can have oneitis in an LTR, for sure.

But to answer the OP's question, you can have frame and still be "in love". It takes a more mature understanding of what love is and a grounding in reality. You have to see that person as a whole, not just the good stuff. We're all a mixed bag. We ALL have the ability to let someone down and be undesirable at times. For example, I can say I am in love with my wife, and no one would question that I hold the frame. However, I also understand that being "in love" is a feeling, and real love is a state of action that I carry out even when I am not feeling this way. Feelings come and go. So that means I still do things to serve and take care of my wife even when I'm not feeling romantic per se. And she does the same for me, that's the key. That's what keeps everything going.


If this all sounds kind of nebulous, it is. It's not a science or a system like pick-up. But there is a way to keep it simple: You'll know you are with the right girl when you never have to question or analyze your feelings about her. And likewise, you'll never have to wonder how she feels about you, because you are being treated right. If you are constantly fielding doubts about the relationship or making concessions for her behaviors towards you, then that's a sure sign she isn't the girl for you.

By the time I met my wife I had been through enough that I knew my feelings for her were grounded in reality. And I never questioned her devotion to me. I still hold the frame, but understand this is more of a function of 1) choosing the right woman, and 2) conducting yourself like a man within the relationship.

One more thing I'll add about frame (and I would never share this with a woman directly) but it is always best if you are *slightly* less invested emotionally than her. This should come easily since you are a man. That doesn't mean you don't have feelings of love, compassion, affection, lust, etc for her---you just have to be the more objective and rational of the 2 parties. You have to be this way to drive the ship. Otherwise your feelings will rule over you.

 

[Yewki]

Heading oneitis is never a good thing. This is terrible advice. This is what insecure codependent people to and it's unhealthy.

OP's definition of oneitis was being "in love," which is arguably good if you're in an LTR or married