For the Men on here with kids? How do you deal with the mother?

[Zontyy]

Recently I became a father, it was going well these last few weeks no drama. She would invite me over for walks, and sometimes dinner, I was getting 4 miles a day with her and my son which was great. I'm not really looking for a relationship with her because she plans on getting her tubes tied and I want more kids. Occasionally we talk and very rarely does it get flirty I'm more focused on my son then anything.

Anyways last week she started talking to me ******** saying she prefers to be alone and this is why she can't be with anyone yadda yadda yadda. It felt like sort of a soft rejection though I never even put the moves on her. I replied back with that is great, do what makes you happy. Weekend comes around and my golf buddy cancels on me. I called her and asked if she wanted to go golfing with me because she always asking to go. She cancels because it's too hot, I make plans with another friend to golf. I still have Sunday night available so I shoot her a text to drive movie and tell her to have the neighbor watch her son for a few hours and bring my newborn and we can go to the drive in. She politely declines and I just text back ok. I make plans with old friend to play some video games because covid keeps everything closed. Later on that night I get a text while gaming from her that says "I dont do movies thats something people who are dating do, and we are not dating and that is not us". I text back easy there killer it was just and invite stop overthinking.

Monday comes around she wants to go walking and have dinner at her place then go tanning with her afterwards. I've been on a 20 day fast and I'm just not into it because I can't eat and also because I'm tired. Plus she and I had plans to see her aunt who absolutely loves me and talks about how great a catch I am its a 1 hour commute and I'll be getting home late. Anyways when I cancel she blows up at me all angry texting me then calls me, and is cussing me out over the phone. I just don't respond and hang up, she texts me later and tells me to forget going to her aunts. I politely text back "that is a shame we usually have a very great time when we visit your aunt and I miss spending time with her". Tells me since I'm tired I can get all the rest I need. Text me how pissed off she is with me then blocks me.

Next day, today she unblocked me and has yet to contact me, if and when she does I want an apology. This whole drama with her made me question my frame with her. Am I coming off to passive? Am I being to friendly and giving her the wrong impression?

 

[Lookatu]

I'm still confused if you guys are just fwb's, friends, or what?
I think she does have a point about dates only doing movies as she may see some activities as something more a gf/bf would do. But then again, why would she invite you to her relatives? It doesn't really make too much sense.
If you guys are only activity partners and only interacting due to your kid, then you should establish do and don't activities and frequencies.
But from what you wrote, it seems like you are latched onto her and always going back to her if you don't have anything going on. I'm not sure if that's entirely healthy either.

 

[Zontyy]

I'm still confused if you guys are just fwb's, friends, or what?
I think she does have a point about dates only doing movies as she may see some activities as something more a gf/bf would do. But then again, why would she invite you to her relatives? It doesn't really make too much sense.
If you guys are only activity partners and only interacting due to your kid, then you should establish do and don't activities and frequencies.
But from what you wrote, it seems like you are latched onto her and always going back to her if you don't have anything going on. I'm not sure if that's entirely healthy either.

We started as friends, then turned into FWB's then she tried to LJBF. I dropped her and got into a 2 year relationship with some other girl. That ended and she came back into my life literally 2 weeks later. Started as friends then turned to dating and her pushing me for marriage got her pregnant. She then turned it into LJBFs again and I was okay with that because I was still getting over my 2 year relationship with my ex I bluntly told her that which pissed her off. She then turned it into FWBs for 2 months then LJBFs again.

While I agree with you some things can be considered date like, such as the movies we were planning on bringing my newborn son. I don't really consider it a date with a newborn baby there. She invites me over to her aunts and also to all the family functions xmas, thanksgiving etc etc.

We've always been activity partners, used to be best friends. Now though I try to keep the interacting due to my kid. She is my go to backup if plans fall through.

I'm pretty easy going when it comes to our relationship, right now its just friends. If she wants FWB i'm okay with that too, just play it day by day.

 

[lamath]

You are doing everything a boyfriend do without getting the lay. You give her security and confort, its not your job your scale back do thing with your kids and for your kids not her.
The only support and attention she deserve from you is in regards to your kid, dont ask her to movie or golf.
Cut down on the attention you give her.

 

[Lookatu]

Well from what you wrote, it seems like she's been in control for awhile now as she's the one that always turned to LJBF with you. But now there is a baby involved, I agree with lamath above, but it's a fine line too as you don't wanna piss her off. Just communicate on the do's and don't's between you too as to set expectations early on so no one get's pissed later. The last thing you want is to have her use your kid as a bargaining chip as we all know US favors the women in any custody disputes.

Just like she saw going to movies as bf/gf thing, ask her what her logic is in inviting you to her relatives. Often things can be resolved by communication and understanding which a log of people don't have of too much these days...

 

[Zontyy]

You are doing everything a boyfriend do without getting the lay. You give her security and confort, its not your job your scale back do thing with your kids and for your kids not her.
The only support and attention she deserve from you is in regards to your kid, dont ask her to movie or golf.
Cut down on the attention you give her.

I guess it is time to cut down on the attention I give her but she using my kid as a bargaining chip. She has a daughter and a son and I could take them to the rollercoasters or museums she wouldn't care. If I want to take my own flesh and blood son she insists she must be present and there. I told this can only go on for so long before I decide to the courts involved.

Well from what you wrote, it seems like she's been in control for awhile now as she's the one that always turned to LJBF with you. But now there is a baby involved, I agree with lamath above, but it's a fine line too as you don't wanna piss her off. Just communicate on the do's and don't's between you too as to set expectations early on so no one get's pissed later. The last thing you want is to have her use your kid as a bargaining chip as we all know US favors the women in any custody disputes.

Just like she saw going to movies as bf/gf thing, ask her what her logic is in inviting you to her relatives. Often things can be resolved by communication and understanding which a log of people don't have of too much these days...

That is the biggest issue I'm trying to avoid the courts and lawyers fees she should be more understandable. I did have her sign and file some stuff the courts right after the birth but I might need to get a lawyer to legally enforce it. IDK Her logic for having me at holidays and with her relatives is because she wants at least one child of hers to have a father around that shows the idea of a family.

 

[lamath]

I think you will have to use the court.
I did the same with my ex, need a regular schedule so that there is also less conflict and misunderstanding.

I know how this is, having a clear cut gadianship plan is best.

 

[360dagod]

Hold up...

She got 2 kids already....

And she got you for the 3rd

You done f,,,d up

 

[Young OG]

You need to hire a lawyer and get a custody agreement. Stop hanging out with her too. Ik its too late now but you should have never knocked up a single mom. Then you say you want more kids? You are insane my friend. If you knock up another women and then that doesn't work out, you will be paying 2 women child support. You are in your 30s and already passed on your genes. Get a vasectomy and call it a day.

It doesn't sound like you are fully red pilled. You have a lot to learn my friend.

 

[Zontyy]

You need to hire a lawyer and get a custody agreement. Stop hanging out with her too. Ik its too late now but you should have never knocked up a single mom. Then you say you want more kids? You are insane my friend. If you knock up another women and then that doesn't work out, you will be paying 2 women child support. You are in your 30s and already passed on your genes. Get a vasectomy and call it a day.

It doesn't sound like you are fully red pilled. You have a lot to learn my friend.

We actually have a custody agreement that I had a lawyer draw up she is just not following it all the time. I could take her to court to follow it but I just rather things didn’t go that far.

I want more kids but that’s more of a genghis khan thing. I want a child with every different nationality of the world. Preferably non Hague convention countries where they can’t go after me in USA for child support. Something inside me that wants to leave behind different of copies of me.

Passed on my genes sure, **** happens best to hedge my bets.

 

[Zontyy]

So I've been keeping my distance, installed OLD and put myself out there. One night I was over at her house just purely to spend time with my son he was my focus. A tinder date called me while I was there and we I ended up scheduling a date monday night right infront of my ex. She asked me 3 times who I was talking too. Told her just a friend, she wanted to know her name but I declined. Then she asked me if I still wanted her breastmilk for a supplement at the gym since she is back on her meds and my kid can't use her milk anymore. She pumped me out some right there that night before I left.

Last night she kept texting me pictures of my son and herself and even put on our "song" we used to have sex with all the time. I told her that song brings back some good memories. Got a little IK, haha and same from her. Decided to ignore her the rest of the night as I was with family. Today got a text she wanted to have a little party with some drinks etc etc. Then she cancelled it because the baby is sick but wants me to come over, I let her know we shall see. Now she pumping more breast milk for me and wants me to stop by before the gym.

In other news I also met some 18 year that wants me to be her "first" I'm kind of torn how to proceed on that. I'm in my 30s and the idea of taking some 18 years virginity. She is a sweet girl and we vibe very well I just don't want to be breaking peoples hearts.

 

[MOTU]

I think you will have to use the court.
I did the same with my ex, need a regular schedule so that there is also less conflict and misunderstanding.

I know how this is, having a clear cut gadianship plan is best.

^^^^^^^dude, this ^^^^^^^

Your relationship with your son is far more important than your relationship with her. You can't allow her to define that relationship. Go to court, get orders, be a good dad

 

[Zontyy]

Keeping your wife from fuucking up your kids is a full-time job, even in a stable nuclear family household. Good luck having any influence over your kid's upbringing. If you ask me, this is just gonna be years of Chinese water torture...for YOU...and it probably won't be a picnic for the kid, either.

If she was really your best friend, at one time, but the sex and trying to date screwed that up...i'm assuming you actually enjoy her company, like her as a person, and find her sexually attractive? So, is it too much of a stretch to assume that you would've been willing to marry this girl, given that she has your baby, if it weren't for the hysterectomy/tubal ligation/whatever, and she weren't being so generally contrary?

I'm trying to be proactive and stop her now from fcking up my newborn son. We have talked and I expressed that I wanted to be the one to do the disciplining. She said she would hold off punishing him but let him know that his father would hear about it. I want him to understand the dynamic of leadership. She as a woman though thinks she being tuff on her 8 year old and she is a big pushover and feels bad for yelling or disciplining. I told her flatly that she feels bad because she is a mother and a woman and it's not her job and when it comes to my son it won't be her job. The only thing she has to worry about is nurturing and caring for him. Time will only tell if she is agreeing with me or really follows through.

I would be willing to marry her given she gave me more kids and she wasn't so contrary. However I think in the long run she has quite a bit issues she needs to work on. I personally feel like I would enjoy her company but our sex life wouldn't be the greatest not enough attraction towards me. It seems like every time I date another woman she wants me but when she has me she discards it. I've been smart enough the last few times to just say no and date women more interested in me.

She has something in her head since the day we met that makes her think I am trying to manipulate her. I basically found her at her lowest point in life and provided the rock and stability she needed to turn her life around. She always thought I was being kind to her because I wanted to control her in the future, truth be told I just felt pity for her and I could empathize with her son coming from a broken home myself. Since our encounter as friends she went from being almost pregnant homeless women in a custody battle for her son to, stable job, continuing education a stable home career path for the future along with her saving 20k for a down payment for a home.

Apparently the biggest pain she said she even felt was when I cut her completely off and move on with another woman after she LJBFed me. She had thought I was this extremely caring man that would always be there for her. I explained I couldn't be because my GF at the time felt uncomfortable me being friends with women I had slept with I had to respect the person who I was with and the relationship we had. I also pointed out to her I never tried to sleep with her that she was the one that pushed for a relationship with me and came on to me. She changed the friend dynamic and took the risk and that none of that was my fault.

I feel like there is attraction but it's never strong enough to keep her. There are other women I've dated and everything is so easy and natural. She questions motives and makes everything a battle.

 

[HyenaPrince]

I'm trying to be proactive and stop her now from fcking up my newborn son. We have talked and I expressed that I wanted to be the one to do the disciplining. She said she would hold off punishing him but let him know that his father would hear about it. I want him to understand the dynamic of leadership. She as a woman though thinks she being tuff on her 8 year old and she is a big pushover and feels bad for yelling or disciplining. I told her flatly that she feels bad because she is a mother and a woman and it's not her job and when it comes to my son it won't be her job. The only thing she has to worry about is nurturing and caring for him. Time will only tell if she is agreeing with me or really follows through.

I would be willing to marry her given she gave me more kids and she wasn't so contrary. However I think in the long run she has quite a bit issues she needs to work on. I personally feel like I would enjoy her company but our sex life wouldn't be the greatest not enough attraction towards me. It seems like every time I date another woman she wants me but when she has me she discards it. I've been smart enough the last few times to just say no and date women more interested in me.

She has something in her head since the day we met that makes her think I am trying to manipulate her. I basically found her at her lowest point in life and provided the rock and stability she needed to turn her life around. She always thought I was being kind to her because I wanted to control her in the future, truth be told I just felt pity for her and I could empathize with her son coming from a broken home myself. Since our encounter as friends she went from being almost pregnant homeless women in a custody battle for her son to, stable job, continuing education a stable home career path for the future along with her saving 20k for a down payment for a home.

Apparently the biggest pain she said she even felt was when I cut her completely off and move on with another woman after she LJBFed me. She had thought I was this extremely caring man that would always be there for her. I explained I couldn't be because my GF at the time felt uncomfortable me being friends with women I had slept with I had to respect the person who I was with and the relationship we had. I also pointed out to her I never tried to sleep with her that she was the one that pushed for a relationship with me and came on to me. She changed the friend dynamic and took the risk and that none of that was my fault.

I feel like there is attraction but it's never strong enough to keep her. There are other women I've dated and everything is so easy and natural. She questions motives and makes everything a battle.

She has no sense of self-worth. It's even more bizarre that she thinks you're the one who manipulated her, when it was her who initiated the sexual relationship. This makes her seem very unstable. You're right not to let her discipline the child.

Having said that, I don't see why you would marry someone like that, or marry at all if you ask me. There is literally no benefit for you in marrying her. Your dynamic seems ambivalent as f*ck. Do you even know what you want from her besides raising your son together?

 

[Zontyy]

Do you even know what you want from her besides raising your son together?

I think it's mainly about raising our son together, she really is a great mother. Spends hours with her kids doing activities, from homemade arts and crafts to adventures camping etc etc. Despite her unstable and craziness to relationships she has the mothering down. I don't think I will marry her, I just worry about my son. She seems to be handling life pretty good now but 3 kids, might be the tipping point for her and I'm seeing some major post partum going on that has me concerned.

I was just having an interesting conversation with an arabic girl that wants me to take her virginity and she mentioned to me that if she ever considered marrying me that she would want me to have a second wife. I've dated arabic girls in the past but never spoke to one so receptive of sharing me. That a completely different story/thread.

I should just talk to her and make sure she is following the custody agreement that we filed or take her to court. Throw out the idea of any future with her and just move on to better prospects. I think it's just my first kid and playing tricks on my mind.

 

[HyenaPrince]

I think it's mainly about raising our son together, she really is a great mother. Spends hours with her kids doing activities, from homemade arts and crafts to adventures camping etc etc. Despite her unstable and craziness to relationships she has the mothering down. I don't think I will marry her, I just worry about my son. She seems to be handling life pretty good now but 3 kids, might be the tipping point for her and I'm seeing some major post partum going on that has me concerned.

I was just having an interesting conversation with an arabic girl that wants me to take her virginity and she mentioned to me that if she ever considered marrying me that she would want me to have a second wife. I've dated arabic girls in the past but never spoke to one so receptive of sharing me. That a completely different story/thread.

I should just talk to her and make sure she is following the custody agreement that we filed or take her to court. Throw out the idea of any future with her and just move on to better prospects. I think it's just my first kid and playing tricks on my mind.

As long as you're there for your son everything will play out well. From what I've seen so far, which is not much, you have no future together. Limit your contact to her as much as possible except for the logistics regarding your son (i.e. education, friends, pediatrician etc.)

Don't let him see this ambivalent back and forth with his mother. This will confuse him and burn into his brain. Seeing that his father makes uncompromising decisions, follows through and sticks to his principles will make him a confident and strong man.

 

[Zontyy]

Don't let him see this ambivalent back and forth with his mother. This will confuse him and burn into his brain. Seeing that his father makes uncompromising decisions, follows through and sticks to his principles will make him a confident and strong man.

This is very good advice!

So, did you think that getting her pregnant was going to make her more likely to marry you? She already has another baby by a different daddy. I would've told you to avoid her(at least to a void emotional involvement), just based on that....and to double-wrap it, and pull out, just in case.

On the discipline thing. That sounds great...in theory...but, in reality, what does that actually mean? She's gonna turn you into the heavy, for every petty grievance she has with your child, until he doesn't want to see you, any more. That's the most likely outcome of making yourself the absent disciplinarian. What kind of discipline are you even talking about, anyway? If it's physical discipline, just remember that justice too long delayed is justice denied...assuming the punishment was even justified; you're placing a whole lot of your faith in a woman who doesn't place much of hers in you. Look, it's not that I disapprove of corporal punishment, but I believe its primary value is to get a child's attention, when he's out of control or in immediate danger, so that you can deliver the real lesson, after you have his full attention. Are there times you can delay this, in cases of chronic misbehavior? Yes, but it's rare and usually less effective. Let's assume that you've decided to ground your son, or restrict him from television or video games, for two weeks. Who's going to be enforcing THAT discipline? The domestic parent. Will she enforce it? Probably not.

Face it: you're an uncle, not a father. You can either be a favorite/fun uncle, and hopefully a mentor, or you can be an assshole uncle, from whom the kid hides, when you visit. Those are your realistic options, as a Baby-Daddy. Everything else is delusional.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but either marry the girl, baggage and all, or face reality.

One more thing, you're gonna either need to make this woman love you, or take your kid from her, because she will eventually marry or shackup with some other dude, and if you don't want to get completely shut out, or become part of some tragic campfire story, her attachment and respect for YOU is the only thing that will preserve your relationship with your child.

You have a lot of work ahead of you. This is only the beginning. It'll get much harder.

I wasn't really thinking when I got her pregnant, I just gone through a horrible breakup with and my mental state was completely destroyed for those first 3 months. She really wanted a baby from me I think because of our previous friendship and she always wanted me to be apart of her life forever and this was her way of getting that.

Discipline does sound great in theory I mean she will have to use her own discretion if he is acting wild. As far as taking things away she is pretty good at that and has stuck to her guns a bit better. I just want my son to know that I am the supreme authority figure in his life.

As far as taking the kid from her we have a pretty good custody agreement in that when he becomes 1 years old. That he is split 3-4 days with the other parent weekly. When he becomes 8 years old he will be going from week to week with me. This has already been agreed upon and wrote up from a lawyer and filed with the courts. We also filed paperwork so every other year we claim him on our taxes. The only thing I can see being an issue is when he does start to live with me for half the year child support should cancel out. I don't think she is financial stable enough until she finishes her nursing degree that will be a long drawn out talk in the future I'm sure of it. I don't see myself as some fun uncle or part time as in the future I will be getting quite a bit more time with my son.

If for some reason she goes against what we agreed upon I will take her to court immediately I just don't want too. I know she would be clingy with my son in the beginning but sometimes she just acts a bit nutty. It could just be the hormones, post partum, her going back on her meds and recent surgery that making her a bit of a wreck right now.

 

[Zontyy]

So, when you marry, and your wife starts pumping out your kids, where's #1-son gonna fit into that? When your baby-mama marries some dude she isn't gonna give babies to, but wants him to adopt hers(and yours) as his own, so that he'll be bound to her, how's that gonna work out?

I'm assuming a court didn't draft that custody agreement, and that a feminist family court judge won't balk at altering it according to the baby-mama's wishes.

“The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft a-gley.”

It was drafted and accepted. The IRS tax forms were sent in where we also both selected the years we would forfeit the right to claim our son. Of course like you said all that could be altered in family court and claiming the child on taxes can be changed in court. I have the upper hand in that she has lost custody of her son and has had a shaky past granted she got custody back and in stable now, while my record of life and involvement is spotless. One of her biggest fears of me taking full custody of my child, which I don't want to do because I believe a mother should aide in the development of her son.

When I start pumping out kids with my future wife if that happens, I'm pretty fair and unbiased with my love and I want to instill that in my children as well. My wife will have to accept #1 son or she take a long walk off a short pier. As far as baby-mama is concerned she is pretty smart when comes to that. Back when she wanted to marry me she brought of the idea of me adopting her "son" because the baby daddy is absent and he pays a minimum child support because he is jobless violent felon. She however didn't want me to adopt her "daughter" because the father contacts his daughter monthly for a video chat and pays child support. With me having half custody and paying some sort of support she would never. We also have a mutual rule where no one is allowed to discipline my child but her or myself. No man wants to enter a relationship with a woman where he can't even be considered the authority figure. I been straight up with her in that if my son ever tells me of another man punishing him or even laying a hand on him, I will take her for full custody expose my son to the slut/***** his mother is and ruin their relationship. Speaking to her I think she knows she is in for the long haul of being a single mom until the kids are out of the house. I can see her have a few one night stands with others she just has to much baggage to have a relationship.