For me, sex feels like Catch 22

[MoreThanSmooth]

As I've said in a much older thread, despite being pretty rational with women and fairly good at talking to them, I'm a mid-twenties virgin at present.

The stupid thing? It's through my own stupid f*cking choice. I'm choosing to be a monk, even though I don't want to be.

I've turned down sex at parties 4 times now, as well as turning it down on a couple of first dates, with girls I found attractive.

So why? I know this sounds insane. 2 reasons.

--

- Big lack of sexual/body confidence. This is easily the worst issue I have, both a mental and physical one.

I'm in pretty good shape. I'm a bit pudgy at the moment, but even after not exercising for a year, I have 2 pack abs and developed pectorals. 6 pack when I tense. But the thought of undressing in front of a chick makes me feel f*cking anxious like almost nothing else I can think of.

I'd rather do a high-octane pitch at work, or get in a fight than get naked in front of a chick. Stupid, I know.

I have long craggy scars from childhood surgery on my stomach, and I absolutely hate them. Not sexy scars, just big awful ones. They make the belly fat I do have look far more awful than it does on an unscarred man.

Just knowing she's never going to have been with a guy with a body like that before makes me feel like a one-off...but in a bad way.

Silly to others maybe, to me it's a big deal. It's also hugely depressing seeing guys who are obese, but actually look arguably better than me when I'm lean and shirtless because they're not all cut up.

- Because I've been a virgin for nearly 10 years, and f*cking some party chick I barely even know or some Tinder girl feels like I've wasted 10 years that I could have just been doing that. A depressing anti-climax, in other words, that puts me off.

And obviously, not knowing a girl well massively magnifies the first lack of confidence in the aesthetics of my own body.

Having some chick say "Wow, you're a freak." first time I show my body off would really knock the confidence for six. Which is one reason I've been aiming for longer relationships rather than FWB for so long.

--

I've been on so many dates, and one main goal of dating is to have sex. But I can't bring myself to do it even when it's right in front of me.

So why the f*ck am I even dating? I can't answer that, it's a paradox, like a broken robot.

Bearing in mind:

- I don't want to lose the v-card with a prostitute, as "convenient" as it is. Yuck.
- I don't want to just f*ck some random trollop after 5 mins who's riding the carousel...

What would you advise I do? Should I just keep dating and try to find someone suitable for a relationship that's at least a few months long again?

I finally felt comfy with my ex last year, and I thought I would finally get over this silly BS...she kept telling me I was really, really hot.

And then I found out she had herpes, and everything was f*cked, put me off sex even more.

I'm trying hard to get my physique really lean, so I can get a full 6-pack and minimise the scar tissue. I might even look like a normal ripped guy if I manage that - fat makes it look worse. But it's a very, very slow process.

For most people sex is a fun Friday night. For me it's built up into this f*cking ordeal that I both want due to my biology and at the same time I don't like my own body enough to do it. I know it's an unhealthy attitude, but at the same time I'm not sure how to change it.

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TLDR: I don't like my body enough to feel confident with sex, due to scars I was born with. And it's really silly, but I dunno what to do.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

No offense but you sound like a chick. LIVE your life already and just fück a chick, as great as it is, it is ALSO just sex. Don't bother building it up in your head man, your first chick doesn't have to be super special or an RL.

The longer you delay this the more it will probably fück with your head, with all your confident issues the only way to get over them is to face them. You can't get good at sex unless you practice, so jump in the batters box already and take some swings.

It going to be awkward, probably overwhelming and awesome all at the same time. Like NIKE says, JUST DO IT.

 

[MrWood]

my dead, floppy arm, atrophied shoulder and curled up hand..
its not about your body, its about your frame!
.

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

Thanks guys. 2 great replies and I appreciate it.

Was a bit drunk last night and when I’m drunk I either get very confident or turn into a depressed Omega chick, lol.

I guess I just overthink everything, and sex is no exception. I’ll try to just meet someone I find attractive and stop restraining myself when I do...

 

[highSpeed]

Thanks guys. 2 great replies and I appreciate it.

Was a bit drunk last night and when I’m drunk I either get very confident or turn into a depressed Omega chick, lol.

I guess I just overthink everything, and sex is no exception. I’ll try to just meet someone I find attractive and stop restraining myself when I do...

Why would you restrain yourself? Do whatever you want to her and if she's down for you, she'll be into it. If she's not, then she's not that into you. I'll tell you, I've learned a lot about interactions with women over the years and I definitely made the mistake of holding back and now that I look back on it, why did I do that? When I think of all of the opportunities that I missed because I was trying to be nice or had some type of silly anxiety/hesitation about myself or the situation, I could literally kick myself for missing out. But you know what? That's all I can do now, think about what I missed on and kick myself.

Women? They're not as wonderful, caring, considerate, giving as you might have been lead to believe. They are every bit as insensitive, self serving and uncaring about others than the most piggish man could be and even more so. They are calculating, underhanded and deceitful as they come because women have traditionally had to be. I've not met many women over the years that could seriously give me a run, one or two maybe but that's it. So they had to evolve that way.

Am I bitter? Maybe but that's not the point of this rant/advice. It's more about serve yourself and if she comes along, you've got someone who's down to do pretty much whatever you want. If she's not, you've saved yourself quite a bit of aggravation trying to motivate someone to be into you or do what you want/need that has no real intention of doing so. Get it right early on in your interactions with women and the rest is golden.

 

[btownbuck2012]

OP you're assuming way too much about what's going to happen when you're naked in front of a chick. You need to just do it already and get it over with. There's no other way.

 

[Spaz]

Everybody has fears. And you have yours.

It's nothing unique nor is it special.

Fear can be paralysing but it also can liberate you.

To conquer fear, you must be courageous.

To be courageous, you must practise it everyday until it becomes part and parcel of you. Your confidence will grow as your courage grows.

Example;

When walking on a side walk, start off in the middle lane, not the sides but middle and maintain eye contact with others you come across, do not look away but maintain it with a nod or smile to others.

This is a simple task but most will not be able to do it simply because of fear.

 

[Dingo]

Tell them the scars are from a bad bar fight or shark attack and that you put on weight because of the PTSD.... idk

 

[sazc]

To add to what @Amante Silvestre said, i must concur that the majority of my sexual situations have to do with kissing and being close while we remove clothes. No one is eyeballing the other person's body in entirety. Maybe she will see your scars if she moves down your body to give you head. If she says anything in the heat of the moment, just say "it's nothing baby, let's talk about it later" and continue to escalate. As well SHE would probably prefer that the room had very low lights, or even off, because SHE is going to be insecure as well.

You are nuts if you dont think most people on the planet have insecurities about their body.

Im hard pressed to think that a female is going to not be compassionate about surgery scars. However, of she sees them, or you tell her about them, and she responds negatively, that's a chick that will never be good LTR material anyways.

Remember, you deserve compassion, always. Anyone who offers you less is trash to be discarded.

 

[sazc]

One thing is for sure, if you don't take steps to push yourself out of your comfort zone, you are going to eventually look back and realize you WASTED a lot of time.

For all those other times you've had anxiety over events, you KNOW it NEVER went as bad as your fears were able to project.

Go put yourself into your ultimate fear/uncomfortable situation. It's NOT going to be that bad.

 

[Who Dares Win]

Mate I had girls telling me straight in my face that my d1ck was small...still banged them that night and the following ones then dumped them.

It's not as problematic as it seems altought I understand your concern especially nowadays.

After all low IQ whale looking girls are in demand while guys need to look like a wwe roided athlete with a 80s rock star hairline just to match on tinder.

Most of the problem for us is not when the clothes goes off but earlier, if you have her in your house willing to have sex, you basically did 99% of the work, it would take an effort from you to screw up.

Also in the heat of the moment many flaws pass unnoticed and no attention is paid to them even when seen.

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

Mate I had girls telling me straight in my face that my d1ck was small...still banged them that night and the following ones then dumped them.

Jeez, what a b*tch. I wouldn't have even done her the courtesy of screwing her, what kind of woman even says that to someone she wants to sleep with?

Fair points though gents. I just need to get over it.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Mate I had girls telling me straight in my face that my d1ck was small...still banged them that night and the following ones then dumped them.

It's not as problematic as it seems altought I understand your concern especially nowadays.

After all low IQ whale looking girls are in demand while guys need to look like a wwe roided athlete with a 80s rock star hairline just to match on tinder.

Most of the problem for us is not when the clothes goes off but earlier, if you have her in your house willing to have sex, you basically did 99% of the work, it would take an effort from you to screw up.

Also in the heat of the moment many flaws pass unnoticed and no attention is paid to them even when seen.

Is your unit "small" or was it a ploy to get a reaction out of you? If your so "small" why did she let you hit it?

 

[Who Dares Win]

Jeez, what a b*tch. I wouldn't have even done her the courtesy of screwing her, what kind of woman even says that to someone she wants to sleep with?

Fair points though gents. I just need to get over it.

Is your unit "small" or was it a ploy to get a reaction out of you? If your so "small" why did she let you hit it?

The funny thing is that my unit match the average size of most european countries and is above average in many (according to stats being mine between 15 and 16 cm), I guess they were used to big calibers.

Even more funnny thing is that both those girls didnt really say it with the intention to offend me, it was more like someone buying a cake at the store thinking it was lemon only to find out it was choccolate.
They are just so used to speak their mind with no worries at all while we have to double check anything we say.

Anyway I quit trying to make sense out of women, I believe their brain never fully develop so its a pointless effort wondering why it doesnt work properly.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

To be honest the "your small" statement on less than large or huge units is a ploy to drain your confidence and get control. She probably sensed alot of sexual confidence out of you and expected a porn sized cawk.

Since she took a low blow you are allowed to issue a low blow or two to equalize thing.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Years ago I had a lover who was small. He KNEW he was small and he owned it up front before I was ever familiar with his junk. He would say things like "it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean", and while that is a cheesy enough thing to say...he said it with such confidence that he conveyed that he was fine with his anatomy and knew he was a good lover...and sure enough he was a good lover, very good in fact. And he never lacked for women, ever. He still never lacks for women. Has to beat them off with a stick.

So embrace the anatomy God gave you and never apologize for size. If some woman is enough of an ass hat to make such an insensitive remark, hard NEXT her. Seriously. Women who care about you are less concerned with the size of your junk and more concerned that they are pleasing you, irrespective of size.

 

[Spaz]

The funny thing is that my unit match the average size of most european countries and is above average in many (according to stats being mine between 15 and 16 cm), I guess they were used to big calibers.

Even more funnny thing is that both those girls didnt really say it with the intention to offend me, it was more like someone buying a cake at the store thinking it was lemon only to find out it was choccolate.
They are just so used to speak their mind with no worries at all while we have to double check anything we say.

Anyway I quit trying to make sense out of women, I believe their brain never fully develop so its a pointless effort wondering why it doesnt work properly.

A 6 inch power tool is sufficient to make a girl ***.

I think the average Chinese man has only a 4" gadget.

You'd be popular in Shanghai.

 

[speed dawg]

Advice from the old lady:

Years ago I had a lover who was small. He KNEW he was small and he owned it up front before I was ever familiar with his junk. He would say things like "it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean", and while that is a cheesy enough thing to say...he said it with such confidence that he conveyed that he was fine with his anatomy and knew he was a good lover...and sure enough he was a good lover, very good in fact. And he never lacked for women, ever. He still never lacks for women. Has to beat them off with a stick.

So embrace the anatomy God gave you and never apologize for size. If some woman is enough of an ass hat to make such an insensitive remark, hard NEXT her. Seriously. Women who care about you are less concerned with the size of your junk and more concerned that they are pleasing you, irrespective of size.

This. Accept what you are in the moment. In the long-term, sure, maximize your best attributes and minimize your weaknesses.

If you have a small d*ck, shave your pubes and keep the rest of your body in decent shape. Get flexible, work on kegels and your core.
I realized a few years ago, that while I have always been sort of obsessed with my body and looks, that wasn't going to be my 'strength'. I look okay, some girls here and there say I'm good looking, but by and large, I'm not the guy that girls fawn over. I'm not a super athlete. So, I decided that trying to be a bodybuilder and APPEAR athletic or whatever is just not for me, it's not what I am. I also noticed I appeared tense and stiff, and had accumulated a lot of injuries over the years from bodybuilding. So, it came to me one day, go for flexibility. And it's worked....now I do DDP yoga....I feel better than I really ever have, which at least makes me THINK I look better, which is all that matters. This is not an excuse to not keep your body looking good and eat a bunch of garbage, that should be a given.

Not going to lie though, I did get some temporary confidence from lifting weights and tanning for sure. But it's not my long term play.

You have to find what works for you.