For Introverts

[zekko]

I was like "Hi I'm Scott, I'm a senior and want to do PT" then I choked, like you could hear me choke.

See, that's not such a big deal. If that was me, after I choked I probably would have followed it up with a few big coughs and an excuse me. You have to see the humor in these situations.

Your mistake wasn't choking. Your mistake was getting embarassed about it. You choked, but in your head you turned it into the end of the world. As you get more experienced, you'll realize things like this aren't a big deal and you just plow through. In fact, maybe after you've had this experience you'll handle it differently in the future.

 

[Voice]

See, that's not such a big deal. If that was me, after I choked I probably would have followed it up with a few big coughs and an excuse me. You have to see the humor in these situations.

Your mistake wasn't choking. Your mistake was getting embarassed about it. You choked, but in your head you turned it into the end of the world. As you get more experienced, you'll realize things like this aren't a big deal and you just plow through. In fact, maybe after you've had this experience you'll handle it differently in the future.

Words of wisdom. I know I suffer from irrational thoughts and this has really helped me. Appreciated.

 

[Scars]

Practice with regular everyday social situations. Say "hello" to strangers, before you even have time to logically think about it. If you're at the store ask the cashier how their day is going, and try to run with the conversation. Using whatever details or keywords they give to you. Get in the habit of just DOING IT, don't try to analyze the interaction or any possibilities beforehand, just jump right in and it will become a habit.

I don't consider myself an introvert, but I was one at one time, namely in my early years of HS. Sense then I've broken out and pretty much learned to not really give a fvck about what people think, even if I say something stupid without thinking about it first (which is probably your biggest fear right?). Just learn to not care, people don't dwell on that type of stuff forever. They have bigger and better problems to worry about. That joke you cracked that only you chucked to will be forgotten by tomorrow. Just be yourself. See it as entertaining yourself, and people are just an added bonus. You go out to have fun, and strike up conversations for entertainment/pass the time/meet people etc, but don't expect anything from them. The only thing you should expect is your own entertainment and happiness.

I've learned to shut down my introvertedness when I want to. Sometimes it's useful, and I actually am a pretty analytical person, but it's almost like cold approaching. You just DO IT before you have time to let your mind talk you out of it. If a good conversation is going just jump right in. The best way to put it is to simply not give a fvck. Just do what you want and say what you want. Whether it's appropriate or not. Deal with the consequences later. And if all else fails, change the subject to something you are more comfortable with or have more knowledge about. A simple tactic I use every single day.

-Scars

 

[Mark1234]

I just joined these forums not too long ago and was looking for an introverted thread and found a pretty good one.

This is spot on with me. I tested as an ISFP on the myers briggs chart and the description almost fits me to a tee. I'm 25 and have real trouble making friends and getting girls (been on a few dates here and there).

When I do things by myself (swimming, yoga, lifting, making videos) I feel my best. However I forced myself to get a part-time job at a restaurant to push through my shyness and hopefully be more comfortable around strangers. So far I think it's helping, I'm smiling more too strangers and saying hi too. One-on-one i'm pretty good but when I'm in a crowd my mind goes into over-drive sometimes. I'm going to school to be a massage therapist so hopefully that'll help me break out of my shell some more too.

So if I had any advice it would be to somehow find an activity that helps you interact with others, even if it's minimal to start with.

PS. This might be a little personal but I've found to have trouble with porn as well. I've read that introverts are a little more susceptible to porn addiction. I just recently made a vow to stop looking at porn all-together and hopefully that can help as well.

 

[Falcon]

As someone who used to consider myself introverted, I would say that nothing is really set in stone and you can take steps to improve this aspect of your life and at the same time keep the qualities of introversion that help you.

One of the main problems that I had or I believe was hurting me was the lack of positive feedback. Because you are introverted, you may seem awkward in social situations. That leads to getting negative feedback from others, which in turn, leads you to having a bad night and questioning yourself if it's because you are introverted. Think of it like in economics, risk vs reward. If you risk time and put yourself out there but don't get any reward for doing so and don't have fun, it cements it in your mind that it isn't worth doing it again. By habit this can really push someone to not value social situations and it can lead in to this spiral into introversion. So really the trick is to convince your mind that at times it can be rewarding and fun to do so. Once you go out and successfully have fun a couple of times, it will start to reinforce that the risk vs reward is worth it.

Another key for me was being less selfish. If you think about yourself all the time and what you want etc etc, it will definitely show in your attitude and demeanor. No one wants to be around people who are selfish. Introverts by virtue of spending time by themselves a lot, tend to lean a little in this direction. I really don't want to stereotype but this is the clearest way for me to explain it. It's easy to be trapped in your own world and only thinking about yourself when you spend a lot of time alone. At some point, I realized that people were interesting, and that I genuinely wanted to learn about other people and talk to them. A lot of it came from just getting older and maturing (felt like it just happened), but I do feel a distinct difference in the mindset.

This was all done by keeping a lot of my introverted qualities. They are not mutually exclusive. The only limit you have in your life is time. Everything else can be made to work.

 

[Wildebeest]

I am very similar as well, and have similar problems.

I try to focus all of my attention on the people im with, just having fun, this is how I lose my heavy self consciousness. Also when im drunk, im a crazy extroverted

 

[Hockey Playa]

i loled @ Kerpals comment

I made a post about being introverted before. I feel the exact same way as many other posters before me. I am in a job where im supposed to be extroverted, its a sales job/advisor, where you work 1 on 1 with clients all day. It absolutely drains me. Thank god i live on on my own where i have my own space. I think this why i have never had a long term girlfriend. I cant imagine being that close to someone, always having them in your space. I have noticed it goes in waves with me as well, some days better than others. As i have been preaching lately, going to the gym/improving appearance really gives me more confidence, which in hand makes me more extroverted.

 

[dixonnormus]

I don't think all introverted people are good critical thinkers man. i started a thread about my inability to talk to people a while back, and after reading this i think its coz im introverted. but i am not a good critical thinker. nice thread though. i especially like scars comment.

but i do have one question for scars, i start conversations with people all the time without thinking but i only rarely get that "flow." most of the time its just "sup" and then "goodbye" after me obviously running out of things to say. did this happen to you? or anybody else?

 

[Sir Psycho Sexy]

alcohol

 

[I'm in the Mood]

I think that introversion and extroversion are more habits than core personality traits. For example, like anything else in excess, over time you'll eventually build up a level of resistance to, let's call it "social fatigue." I'm totally an introvert too, but when I'm on my "A-game" and in the moment with my friends, I love it and can't get enough of it! But when I'm not feeling great and in the mood/moment, when I go inside my head and start to think, it just doesn't happen for me. I think that you could probably parallel this feeling with being in state or in the zone. It's kind of like the "extroversion muscle" and you need to condition it to develop "social endurance." I suppose just like every other human being the strength and size of this muscle will differ, thus we have natural introverts and extroverts, but I propose that the conditioning of this muscle is directly related to one's habitual decision-making processes in the area of socialization and personal relationships.

In conclusion, if you want to go from being introverted to being more extroverted, surround yourself with socialization and engage in social activities, speak your mind more often, and get involved in things, have conversations, etc. There are many ways to increase your extrovert capabilities, and I believe that there are great benefits of taking this path. It will also make your down time feel more desirable and worthwhile, if you do highly enjoy being alone. Everyone needs some alone time, including extroverts.

 

[loveshogun]

Consider this:

1) If you aren't quick to socialize and get to know new people, and you're perfectly happy this way, and you don't spend time thinking "I wish I was different," you are an actual introvert. That's fine. I have no quarrel with you.

2) If you aren't quick to socialize and get to know new people, but wish you were, and are unhappy/lonely because you're not going out and meeting new people, and all you do is say "it's because I'm an introvert," then you are simply a lazy extrovert.

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

If you're happy being an introvert, that's fine. But, you know, based on the original post's criteria, I was an introvert when I was a kid and hated it. So, I changed it. Simple. Talking to people is not as complex as most people make it out to be - unless you're autistic, don't have a tongue, or are in a foreign country.

Labels can help you figure out where you are in life - that's fine. Don't let them define you for the rest of your life if you don't want them to, though.

 

[drakeramore]

@loveshogun.
Yeah, mate! You speak the truth. While it could be useful to know more about yourself, ie being an introvert, liking your being alone time and why is that. It definitely will put a label on you if you let it. And labels, especially those we do not like that much, can kinda play games with our mind if we let them. We shouldnt let that happen. Change is difficult though, at times it seems to me that it is impossible and, you know, that is my fate or something.
I am also an introvert, wasnt always like that but somehow in my late teens I just kinda retreated deep into my mind. Was a bit disappointed in the world and mainly the people around me. And a bit of myself, I guess. I dont know if it is, you know, fear of the world, fear of failure (like some massive, epic failure that always keeps haunting me). My college/university years were pretty bad. I couldnt breathe because I developed some allergies and whatnot. As a result although there were pretty girls interested in me ( I knew that they were) I didnt do anything in that regard. Just simply couldnt. Led me even further down the introversion path. Now, finally, at 26 years of age, my health is somewhat OK. Still a virgin, never kissed a girl. I guess I should feel bad about it and sometimes I do. But not entirely, because I know that to an extent it was a conscious decision not to pursue any sex, relationships, etc.
Anyhow, I guess past is in the past, recently though I have begun wondering if I have some sort of Asperger syndrome by any chance. Because, in order to kinda survive and, I dont know, preserve myself (thats how I viewed it at least), I had to retreat even deeper in my mind, kinda isolated myself, cut any ties with any friends I had (though I never really had any solid friends I think - you know the kind you read about in the books and see in the movies). Now, at 26, almost no friends, living alone, being supported entirely by my parents. The positive thing is that my health is FINALLY getting back to normal (its a long story but I had a few problems - suffocation being the top one). In the meantime I worked out like a mutha without any weights though - cant afford the money to go to the gym. But, there are results, I look pretty good with no shirt on, kinda get a lot of "interested" looks from some decent-lookin girls. Anyhow, now I have to get myself a job (Im pretty bright, have an IQ of 135 supposedly). Yet, the prospects of me getting a job, being around people now all day, getting a girlfriend seem, I dont know, scary, I guess. Or a least, something that I would like strongly to evade. All that is a result from the years of my self-isolation ( i didnt have any alternative the way I saw it). I seem to like my being alone time so much, I fear it will destroy my future. Which could be very bright, I suppose, assuming solely on my potential intellectually. Yeah, I miss the money and the sex I could be getting from my finding a job and a girlfriend. But, I dont know, not so much, I guess. Material things dont get me all that excited - cars, phones - I dont care about such things. Which. I think, could be a problem because society values these things and, for example, what girl would want anything to have with me if I dont want to have a car or whatever?
Yeah, thats about it, it is a problem taht I have only me to rely on right about now, so I guess it is make-or-break time for me Sometimes I kinda hate myself being myself (not entirely though), yet sometimes I feel awesome about myself being the guy who I am, especially when immersed in something I love doing - finding some great music, watching some cool emotional movie, going for a run in the park (something I love and that gives me satisfaction often). Yet, this cannot go on the way it is. I must at least provide for myself and support myself financially at this point of my life. A girlfriend would also be nice, and maybe I will have something to give back to her as well (not only the awesome sex Im planning to give her someday
So yeah, sorry for the bit self-pitying post, I know its a bit pathetic, though I assure you I am not the complaining kind, just needed to vent I guess and share all that crap with someone even if that someone are a bunch of guys I ll never meet in person
Best of luck to all here, especially the introverted, "sensitive" chaps like me
Appreciate it greatly if you have read the entire thing and bearing with it!

 

[Bible_Belt]

Material things dont get me all that excited - cars, phones - I dont care about such things. Which. I think, could be a problem because society values these things and, for example, what girl would want anything to have with me if I dont want to have a car or whatever?

I feel the same way. One thing about women is that there are a lot of them. And even if most of them feel a certain way, there are still plenty who will feel otherwise. If you don't have a car, go find a hippie granola environmentalist chick who thinks cars are evil.

 

[VincentNew]

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.

 

[Huffman]

Answer: don't be bored. Don't do boring things. Don't go on boring dates. I'd imagine this is what your doing.

Us introverts get bored and then are inside our heads. It doesn't happen when you're excited, does it?

 

[BlackMack177]

There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. I consider myself the same. I interact with people all day long, with no trouble at all holding a conversation, but then afterwards I wanna be left alone.

Even in social settings, there is nothing wrong with not being the center of attention. You guys think that you have to be the life of the party in order to get chicks, but you're waaay off. Just being able to hold a decent conversation is enough. Honestly, do you game a chick 1 one 1 or while you entertaining a group? Usually a connection is established between two people, not 10.

I am not the most talkative person in huge groups either, but i am considered by many to be very charismatic. Being social is as much about listening as it is about talking. Most of the time when you're gaming chicks, you are simply reacting to what she says, not flapping your gums non stop.

I learned that Players don't say a million things, They just say the RIGHT things. I used to try and be the guy everyone is paying attention too, but that in itself screams insecurity. Male attention wh0ring is not sexy. Now, I just do me and enjoy myself.

 

[DarkShade]

I'm an INTP as well, scoring 100 on the "I" portion. I ****ing hate people in general until they are of a use to me or are friendly to me, but I don't outwardly display that. I'm indifferent to the wants of the people around me unless it's someone I care about, and since that list is very short, it's easy to not give a **** about anything.

 

[corrector]

Practice with regular everyday social situations. Say "hello" to strangers, before you even have time to logically think about it.

That is easier said then done. First of all, you'd have to be a retarded person to go around saying "hi" to everyone. People will think that you have a screw loose. Saying advice to an "intelligent introvert" to behave like a retarded person that says "hi" to everyone is absurd.

Besides, "hello" is very weak. Most of the times, women have their shields on when they see a guy and honestly, I find unless a girl is attracted to you or is already open, you need something more "forceful" then a "hello". Allot of times hot women are in their own little world, texting, or doing some other thing and you need something more forceful, like "excuse me" with a tap on the shoulder or something to really get their attention.

The problem that I have is I can only relate with most hot women strictly on business terms, but when getting to personal terms then the confidence on the "business" department doesn't transfer to the personal. So, unless there is a personal purpose that is as strong as a "business or task" purpose, I don't think the juice is there. Or, maybe it's just North America.

If you're at the store ask the cashier how their day is going, and try to run with the conversation. Using whatever details or keywords they give to you.

Again, that depends on how much "shield" or "attitude" you are getting. Most hot cashiers have an attitude and asking how their day is going ends in one short word answer, or "can I help you?". Then what are you going to do, complain to the manager that she's being rude?

They wil be people on the line behind you, and you probably want to count your change before she thinks you are some chump and decides to keep a dollar or something, lol!

Get in the habit of just DOING IT, don't try to analyze the interaction or any possibilities beforehand, just jump right in and it will become a habit.

But retarded people just do things without thinking about it, that is why they are retarded. If someone was asking everyone in a place "hi, how are you doing?" indiscriminately, they'd look like they have something wrong with them.

Sense then I've broken out and pretty much learned to not really give a fvck about what people think, even if I say something stupid without thinking about it first (which is probably your biggest fear right?). Just learn to not care, people don't dwell on that type of stuff forever. They have bigger and better problems to worry about. That joke you cracked that only you chucked to will be forgotten by tomorrow.

That, I admit is a good point. But, if you are within a small group, cashier from a store you frequent regularly, then it helps cement an image that you are a dork. If you say nothing, at least you have some mystery still and may not be seen as much of a dork. Isn't saying nothing better then saying something retarded?

Just be yourself. See it as entertaining yourself, and people are just an added bonus.

You could entertain yourself without humiliating yourself infront of people.

You go out to have fun, and strike up conversations for entertainment/pass the time/meet people etc, but don't expect anything from them. The only thing you should expect is your own entertainment and happiness.

That is if you are entertained and happy in the process. If you get too many women ignoring you and you are looking like some desperate loser without any social-proof then it would probably be more fun playing video games at home or looking at some movie.

I've learned to shut down my introvertedness when I want to. Sometimes it's useful, and I actually am a pretty analytical person, but it's almost like cold approaching. You just DO IT before you have time to let your mind talk you out of it. If a good conversation is going just jump right in. The best way to put it is to simply not give a fvck. Just do what you want and say what you want. Whether it's appropriate or not. Deal with the consequences later. And if all else fails, change the subject to something you are more comfortable with or have more knowledge about. A simple tactic I use every single day.

-Scars

I have been critical of your message. But hey if it works for you great.

The question I'd have to ask you is how do you distinguish yourself from a retarded person when you are trying to be more social?

I'd think that if I looked at DVD's of guy picking up girls, or had some sort of spy glass camera while doing pick-up and was able to post it somewhere for feedback, then that would probably make that sort of process more fun.

 

[corrector]

As So really the trick is to convince your mind that at times it can be rewarding and fun to do so. Once you go out and successfully have fun a couple of times, it will start to reinforce that the risk vs reward is worth it.

And just how do you "trick your mind" to believe that? If you've had a bad time, or a hot girl isn't taking you on or has non-verbally rejected you by her body-language and that happens enough, then how can you rationalize a risk vs reward there?

It comes like gambling money. Eventually, you stop gambling when you see you aren't winning.

At some point, I realized that people were interesting, and that I genuinely wanted to learn about other people and talk to them. A lot of it came from just getting older and maturing (felt like it just happened), but I do feel a distinct difference in the mindset.

Okay so that produces a drive in itself. How is that working with hot ladies?
"Hey HB, you are not only hot, but I think you are interesting too, tell me about yourself?" Do you really find hot girls interesting besides their looks, or is this one way of rationalizing that you want to get laid and that is all they are good for but don't want to appear to superficial about it?

 

[omkara]

corrector - you, and I think one other poster, got the main point. For a lot of introverted guys who are not successful with women, it's not laziness or lack of initiative that gets in the way of socializing - it's wanting to avoid negative emotions/experiences. Not saying that's a good excuse, but it's much harder to overcome than sheer laziness.

I have approached girls in other eras, when I was high on life. I had a pretty girlfriend when I was in high school. Pretty much every time I've been in college, I have ended up approaching chicks in my classes. Therefore I think the idea that introverts lack the courage or initiative to approach, is only one small piece of the puzzle. If you experience a lot of rejection on subtle levels, and have no social support in your daily life, it can become a vicious cycle and at that point becomes an uphill battle. This may be especially true for people who at one time had a good social circle but moved to another place, or for some other reason have become estranged from their friends and family.