Fixing attachment / abandonment issues (I am a nice guy)

[General_ButtNaked]

I have posted here about a situation that arose with a girl I was blown away by.

Its gotten me thinking and I have come to the realisation that due to my upbringing and some past trauma I have issues with attachment.

In the space of 1 month I met a girl and began falling for her (maybe it was just attachment). Long story short it would seem that a mixture of my neediness and her being rather erratic and "broken goods" has resulted in my rejection. This has hurt me considerably more than the time we have spent together would dictate. I have taken the advice of my peers on here and will not be reaching out to her or responding to her ghosting.

But the questions remains, how do I shed this neediness, this need for assurance of how someone feels about me and my quick attachment?
I guess being aware is the first step.

I lack confidence, I don't feel like the prize and when I like someone I smother them with affection. What do I do to begin fixing this?
I am reading the Don Juan bible and there is some good stuff in there but I would apprecicate your views on this, particularly if you have recovered from being a nice guy.

 

[In2theGame]

Logically, It's a good thing to show affection to people who you find very attractive but unfortunately that's not how this cold world operates. What changes a Man from the Mr. Nice/Good guy to IDGAF guy is getting burned a few times in his life by Women and you haven't felt that yet it seems. You just need to adjust your mindset and you need to have a few cute Women in your life that makes it difficult to get attached to only one. Even then though, you can still feel more for one girl out of a group you may be seeing but it should lesson the attachment to only one.

 

[General_ButtNaked]

This is why my advice to new guys is get in a relationship and get burned ASAP

Yeah im learning these things the hard way, the only way.

Im tired of being the victim of my own niceness

 

[Kotaix]

Hit the gym. Get ripped, and get hard muscles. When you take your shirt off and the woman goes "oh wow", you will know what confidence feels like.

When she says that, you'll discover that you have power over her instead her having power over you. And when you feel that, you'll realize that it's something that you've always had. But you have to put in the work or else it's not authentic.

 

[General_ButtNaked]

Hit the gym. Get ripped, and get hard muscles. When you take your shirt off and the woman goes "oh wow", you will know what confidence feels like.

When she says that, you'll discover that you have power over her instead her having power over you. And when you feel that, you'll realize that it's something that you've always had. But you have to put in the work or else it's not authentic.

Im actuallt in the middle of a cut. Ive always been in shape but never shredded. Getting burned by the chick I was going out with has given me the anger and resentment I needed to take it to the next level.

 

[Kotaix]

Your anger and resentment are you being butthurt over rejection like a b!tch, she still has power over you as long as you're butthurt. Let that sh!t go, a man controls his emotions.

 

[General_ButtNaked]

Your anger and resentment are you being butthurt over rejection like a b!tch, she still has power over you as long as you're butthurt. Let that sh!t go, a man controls his emotions.

I agree. Im working on it man and I appreciate you telling it like it is.

 

[xplt]

Your anger and resentment are you being butthurt over rejection like a b!tch, she still has power over you as long as you're butthurt. Let that sh!t go, a man controls his emotions.

On the other hand, anger can be a very good catalyst.

 

[MrWood]

Hit the gym. Get ripped, and get hard muscles. When you take your shirt off and the woman goes "oh wow", you will know what confidence feels like.

this has nothing to do with a womans attraction or YOUR frame

gym cant fix a cucked man or a womans intrinsic attractiveness to a guy.
Honestly, Im tired of hearing "go get ripped and have success with women" on this site... its fvcking bullsh|t.

#lamesauce

 

[General_ButtNaked]

Logically, It's a good thing to show affection to people who you find very attractive but unfortunately that's not how this cold world operates. What changes a Man from the Mr. Nice/Good guy to IDGAF guy is getting burned a few times in his life by Women and you haven't felt that yet it seems. You just need to adjust your mindset and you need to have a few cute Women in your life that makes it difficult to get attached to only one. Even then though, you can still feel more for one girl out of a group you may be seeing but it should lesson the attachment to only one.

I've been burned quite few times. I also had some health issues that prevented me dating more than a few times in the space of 4 years.

When I reentered the realm of dating I didnt expect much and this girl came along and blew me away. Now Im being ghosted and all because I was overly emotive, needy and all round emotional. I wasnt a complete nice guy, I had some traits which were strong but I smothered her with affection. It was probably bound to happen due to my naivety and how good looking she was.

It hurts quite badly for the time I had spent with her.

Moving forward I will be spinning plates to offset my oneitis. I have a lot of thinking to do and changes to make. It's time for me to be the prize.

 

[Robert28]

You shouldn’t have to “fix” being nice all because some woman is damaged goods. You didn’t ride 1000 c0cks and get into bad relationships, she chose that. Yes, try to work on not falling for someone so easily. I know exactly the type of woman you fell for, they’re the type that are good at making you fall for them hard and fast. Especially if you don’t have much dating experience and aren’t a sociopath (which they like).

 

[Kotaix]

this has nothing to do with a womans attraction or YOUR frame

gym cant fix a cucked man or a womans intrinsic attractiveness to a guy.
Honestly, Im tired of hearing "go get ripped and have success with women" on this site... its fvcking bullsh|t.

#lamesauce

It's not the actual being ripped that makes a man attractive, although it certainly doesn't hurt. It's the actual process of going to the gym day after day and putting in the work for tiny incremental gains that add up over time. When you earn something, that's when you can feel proud of yourself an no longer feel inadequate.

Guys are insecure because they know deep down that there are things about them that they could fix and some woman might notice. The only way to be attractive is to put in the work and fix those things. There are no shortcuts.

 

[strikerace13]

I used to be like this and found it has a lot to do with the mind set I was brought up on. Until you work on your mindset and put the work in nothing will change. The first thing I did was find a girl who was needy and practice too get good at sex. Knowing you can get any women off puts you into a different mindset. I had to put want is taught on here to practice helps you get better. If your parents made you this way, start over and rebuild yourself to what you want to be.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Im actuallt in the middle of a cut. Ive always been in shape but never shredded. Getting burned by the chick I was going out with has given me the anger and resentment I needed to take it to the next level.

Let it happen with new women though. It's a mistake to try to prove it to her. Deal with babes who desire you and can't get enough and you're golden. If you can completely clear your thoughts of her There is greater clarity, focus and strength.

 

[17 shots]

this has nothing to do with a womans attraction or YOUR frame

gym cant fix a cucked man or a womans intrinsic attractiveness to a guy.
Honestly, Im tired of hearing "go get ripped and have success with women" on this site... its fvcking bullsh|t.

#lamesauce

Until you've experienced seing women in your peripheral staring at your chest or biceps, then you just won't get it

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Logically, It's a good thing to show affection to people who you find very attractive but unfortunately that's not how this cold world operates. What changes a Man from the Mr. Nice/Good guy to IDGAF guy is getting burned a few times in his life by Women and you haven't felt that yet it seems. You just need to adjust your mindset and you need to have a few cute Women in your life that makes it difficult to get attached to only one. Even then though, you can still feel more for one girl out of a group you may be seeing but it should lesson the attachment to only one.

Show affection to those who show it to you. You will devalue yourself If you keep showing it to those who do not share the view of you.

 

[Seductions_Mad_Scientist]

I have posted here about a situation that arose with a girl I was blown away by.

Its gotten me thinking and I have come to the realisation that due to my upbringing and some past trauma I have issues with attachment.

In the space of 1 month I met a girl and began falling for her (maybe it was just attachment). Long story short it would seem that a mixture of my neediness and her being rather erratic and "broken goods" has resulted in my rejection. This has hurt me considerably more than the time we have spent together would dictate. I have taken the advice of my peers on here and will not be reaching out to her or responding to her ghosting.

But the questions remains, how do I shed this neediness, this need for assurance of how someone feels about me and my quick attachment?
I guess being aware is the first step.

I lack confidence, I don't feel like the prize and when I like someone I smother them with affection. What do I do to begin fixing this?
I am reading the Don Juan bible and there is some good stuff in there but I would apprecicate your views on this, particularly if you have recovered from being a nice guy.

You sound like me a few years ago. It gets better bud.

a few things here:

1) specifically in regards to trauma I bought a CBT book and used a mixture of that + journalling + meditation + other stuff to bring to the surface some psychological issues I had so that I could start ( and frankly continue ) working on them.

2) I always remember the maxim - ' you are not responsible for the behaviour of others but you are responsible for your own behaviour.' I've found that in combination with the other things has helped me be more rooted around 'crazy' girls.

3) Not trying to be facetious here but how to stop neediness is by actually not needing the girls. I.E. have bigger and better personal goals that occupy your cognitive bandwidth and you may realize how absurd "needing" a girl actually is. If you have a 100 ****s to give in a day and your doing all the other stuff I've mentioned in the post your '**** giving' budget as it were will be pretty low in terms of shelling out a few more ****s to neediness. It's a poor investment decision haha.

4) Of course you lack confidence. You and like 90% of the rest of the world. It's only a bad thing if your not doing anything to fix it. Go to the gym, read more, journal more, try more hobbies out, work harder, raise your mother****ing standards. It's been working for me so far.

Cheers!

 

[Serenity]

Its gotten me thinking and I have come to the realisation that due to my upbringing and some past trauma I have issues with attachment.

Was definitely like that for me. It's totally possible to overcome it, but depending on the severity of your trauma it can be very rough. I suffered severe depression for a few months trying to deal with it, but when I finally cracked it I basically became immune. I'd welcome another depression just to show it who's the boss, but that's why I'll probably never experience it again.

In the space of 1 month I met a girl and began falling for her (maybe it was just attachment). Long story short it would seem that a mixture of my neediness and her being rather erratic and "broken goods" has resulted in my rejection.

Typical codependent relationship dynamic, broken people have a tendency to find each other and it never ends well. The best outcome is in fact for it to end, be grateful it only lasted a month and not half a lifetime like it does for some other lost souls out there.

But the questions remains, how do I shed this neediness, this need for assurance of how someone feels about me and my quick attachment?
I guess being aware is the first step.

If you have awareness about it you're already miles ahead of many others. Acknowledge that you have a choice, you can quit being needy or you can guarantee that you'll continue getting hurt. You need more than just awareness, you need to use your willpower to readjust your mindset towards what you have gained awareness of. You seem to already show signs of willpower, now exercise it!

I lack confidence, I don't feel like the prize and when I like someone I smother them with affection. What do I do to begin fixing this?

Sit down and deeply reflect upon this. Why can't you feel like the prize? What is really stopping you? What is confidence? What stops you from simply deciding to be confident?

What you'll see when you reflect upon those questions is your mind making a long list of what is basically bullsh!t excuses, stupid rationalizations. The only one giving any of those rationalizations legitimacy is yourself, by choosing to accept them. You can choose to reject them, again it will take willpower.

I'm not gonna lie, it's hard. I have been in your situation and I worked HARD for 2 years, but I didn't give myself any other choice than to put things straight. I couldn't continue living as I did, I grew ever more resentful towards my old ways to the point I'd do anything to escape it. Today I enjoy the benefits of the work I did on myself. I was super paranoid about slipping back into my old habits, so I also worked hard on making sure my new habits became ingrained properly. Don't half-ass that part, make your change watertight.

The question is, how far are you willing to go for a better life? And how much do you resent your current self? Think about that, it might become a very potent motivator for change as you're both pushed and pulled at the same time.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I have posted here about a situation that arose with a girl I was blown away by.

Its gotten me thinking and I have come to the realisation that due to my upbringing and some past trauma I have issues with attachment.

In the space of 1 month I met a girl and began falling for her (maybe it was just attachment). Long story short it would seem that a mixture of my neediness and her being rather erratic and "broken goods" has resulted in my rejection. This has hurt me considerably more than the time we have spent together would dictate. I have taken the advice of my peers on here and will not be reaching out to her or responding to her ghosting.

But the questions remains, how do I shed this neediness, this need for assurance of how someone feels about me and my quick attachment?
I guess being aware is the first step.

I lack confidence, I don't feel like the prize and when I like someone I smother them with affection. What do I do to begin fixing this?
I am reading the Don Juan bible and there is some good stuff in there but I would apprecicate your views on this, particularly if you have recovered from being a nice guy.

Nice guy, how's it working out for you?