First Serious Relationship - Seperation

[cdoubled05]

Hello everyone, I am only 20 but I feel like I need the advice of you older folks as my situation is very complicated. I have been in a serious relationship for four years now. She is the first woman I have ever been with for more than three months, and is also the first woman I have ever had sex with. (came close one other time but I screwed up) I also have a child with this woman. Our son will be three this April. We have been living in our own apartment for the last eight months or so with our son. My girlfriend recently left me. (she's been staying @ her mother's house for over two weeks now) My son is staying over there with her. The reason I am posting here on this forum is because I know you guy's know women. I did not have a father while I was growing up. (my mother is a lesbian) I need some advice from real guys. I am so confused right now it's driving me mad. My Uncle has been helping me work through this tough time.

The reason she left me is because I did not show her enough attention, love, respect, and all the other things a normal healthy relationship would have. I definitely was neglectful towards her feelings. I almost felt as though we were stuck together because of our child. She wanted to marry me last year, I said no. I felt like it was not the right time. I was a very selfish and cheap person. She did a lot more for me then I did for her. We had a fight last week and she told me she was tired of everything and that she wanted to stay at her mother's. I figured she would come home on Sunday. (she left on a Friday after work) It's been a two weeks since we've slept under the same roof.

When she left me that weekend, it felt like my world had ended. I was in a pretty serious depression for the first few days. I felt like I couldn't live without her. I started sleeping back over at my mother's house. Talking with my Uncle has helped a lot. Being in my apartment was so lonely feeling I couldn't stand it. As the day's went by the sadness started to lift. I still talk to her on a daliy basis, I see my son dailly as well. I am friendly with her brother, sister, and mother. She is friendly with my family as well. She picked me up from work today and we hung out at her house and smoked some pot. (we both smoke as well, drink occasionally, and nothing else) I am trying to repair our relationship and get her back in the apartment with me.

Here are the things that I usally end up thinking about. This is where I could use some help and some serious feedback.

Is repairing our relationship the right thing to do? How do I know if I really love her anymore? Sometime's I really don't know how I feel. She tells me she feels like a beat up rug, that has been walked over a hundred times, if she get's back with me now she will get pulled back down.

There is so much more stuff to share in regards to this situation. I really don't know what else to share at the moment. I would like to see if anyone could reply from this point and I will elaborate further as needed.

I apoligize if this is in the wrong forum or if I have broken any forum rules. This is a serious matter to me and I really am honestly just looking for some serious help. Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[cdoubled05]

I didn't reread the DJ bible before posting. I have started to read it again. I think I can see what a lot of your replies are going to look like. I cant wait for some responses. I'll be reading in the mean time. The bible is making me feel better about my future already. To tell the truth, I feel like I have a lot of the qualities of a DJ, I just need to work on certain area's. I am still really confused and looking forward to some good discussion.

 

[applaya]

i sent u a pm.

 

[cdoubled05]

Thanks for the PM, I'll reply later tonight.

When she left you and you felt the way you did, why did you feel so?
And when the days went by and you felt differently, why did that happen?

I think I was so use to being with and around her, I think that's what hurt me. At first all I could think about was how much I love her and want to get her back, so I can make up for all the bad things I've done to her. I also wanted my family back together.

As the days went by, I started to cry less and less. I started staying at my mother's because the apartment was so empty. I feel as though I could easily return to my apartment and function normally now. However, my uncle is here for a few week's from NY and I quite enjoy his company. I know I love this girl, I really do. I don't know if should I continue to work on repairing this relationship though. Sometime's I feel like I dont love her anymore. I am definitely confused. I will reread all these posts later tonight, I will have much more free time then. Thanks for the input.

 

[Desdinova]

When she left me that weekend, it felt like my world had ended. I was in a pretty serious depression for the first few days. I felt like I couldn't live without her. I started sleeping back over at my mother's house. Talking with my Uncle has helped a lot. Being in my apartment was so lonely feeling I couldn't stand it. As the day's went by the sadness started to lift.

You don't know how much I can relate to this, as I pretty much went through the same thing when my ex left. When your world falls apart, you need time to grieve, and then work at figuring out how to rebuild it.

Now, I'm going to tell you why your world fell apart.

People usually don't build their lives on the foundation of their own happiness. They build their lives on the foundation of someone else bringing them happiness. This not only happens with relationships, but with religion as well

When the person that they've built their life upon leaves (or ceases to exist) the foundation of their life is removed, and it all comes crumbling down. They then have to rebuild their entire life, but they have to find another foundation to build it on. The process repeats itself for every relationship.

But, if the person learns to build his life on the foundation of his own happiness, it will never crumble. He will be able to survive without a woman because he has his own foundation. A woman is just a brick in the building of his life. If a brick falls out of his building of life, it might cause a bit of aggrivation, but he can patch it.

I still talk to her on a daliy basis, I see my son dailly as well.

When my ex left me, I wanted to completely cut her out of my life and try to move on. The feelings eventually detach themselves from the memories, and fade with time. The quicker you cut contact with her, the quicker you'll be able to recover.

However, you have a child in the picture, so you won't be able to completely cut contact with her. However, when you speak to her, keep everything on a "business level" in regards to your child. That's all you need to talk about with her.

I am friendly with her brother, sister, and mother.

This is what sucks about breaking from LTRs. You have to cut ties with her family that you've developed relationships with as well.

I am trying to repair our relationship and get her back in the apartment with me.

When something is damaged beyond repair, do you still try to fix it? NO.

Is repairing our relationship the right thing to do?

It's not a question of being the right thing to do, but whether it's possible. In a relationship, small problems have to be dealt with or they'll grow into larger ones, and accumulate with all the other "small" problems. When the problems fester, the relationship begins to go downhill. When the relationship finally falls apart, the problems have already caused a 5hitload of damage and it's usually not worth repairing.

How do I know if I really love her anymore?

Love doesn't get turned on and off like a light switch. It fades in and out. Also, "love" doesnt exist if there is only one person showing it. When there's only one person showing love, it's not called "love" anymore, but "one-itis".

What is likely happening to you is you're emotions are running amok at the moment. You're feeling everything: happy, sad, depression, love, anger, lonliness, and everything else under the sun. This mess of emotions will continue until you start to distance yourself from her. Quit hanging out with her, quit having long conversations on the phone with her, and deal with her only when it comes to your child. When all your emotions calm down, you'll be able to sort everything out much better, and be able to rebuild your life.

Now, go read the DJ bible. You'll get a good idea of what happened in your relationship. The more you learn from this experience, the less likely you'll repeat the mistakes you made. You may have been too dependant, or you may have chosen a high maintenance woman to settle down with. Both are mistakes. Find out if they apply to you.

 

[cdoubled05]

When something is damaged beyond repair, do you still try to fix it? NO.

She told me that she cant decide if she want's to try to fix realtionship. Does that sound damaged beyond repair? I dont know.

Love doesn't get turned on and off like a light switch. It fades in and out. Also, "love" doesnt exist if there is only one person showing it. When there's only one person showing love, it's not called "love" anymore, but "one-itis".

She also told me she loves me, but she's not in love with me.

I have noticed that since we have been apart, she thinks she is the hottest thing under the sun. She never acted like that with me. This must have something to do with how she felt when she was with me. I kept thinking about having sex with her all day at work today, even more so when she got changed in front of me in her room after work.

Do you guys really think not seeing her as much as possible is really the best thing for me to do right now? Even if I planned on trying to salvage this? I can see how me being distanced from her will allow me to be myself and rebuild my foundation like stated earlier. Built on my own happiness. I feel like I want to get back with her so bad and then one minute later I'm thinking "is that really what I want"? Thanks for the advice everyone.