first post and need some advice

[blg1236]

Just wanna thank everybody here...awesome group. I've been browsing topics here on and off for a little over a year. I've read a lot of good advice concerning relationships...so thanks to all.....
ok...I've been in a LTR (5-1/2 years) which now is a LDR as well, about 6hrs apart....I've definitely been the AFC on numerous occasions but have been able to catch myself and regroup....this relationship has been push pull for quite awhile, has caused a ton of anxiety and wasted energy.We met in our mid 40's and she was all about me, first cpl years,....everything was awesome. Through the years generally things were cool but on occasion and what started to become more frequent were signs of her IL dropping....caught her a couple times texting some other dude (she said she dated him years ago and she fell into his web when he reached out via text....but says she's never done anything sexually with anyone since she's been with me)or emails between her highschool boyfriend and just noticing little things that were said towards me to either put me down or what seemed like testing me somehow.....this women is absolutely gorgeous but completely f'd up when it comes to relationships....
On these occasions though for the most part I would NC her for a few days and then she would come around and start acting right....when I was cold to her she seemed to respond positively.....actually i started using this approach often..even if we were out to dinner all i had to do was mess with her head a little and her mood would change with interest towards me almost immediately......problem was keeping up the head games were frikkin exhausting after a while......
anyway...Last week i called her and mentioned that maybe we could get together over the weekend (we haven't seen each other for 5 weeks)...she was lukewarm right off the bat with a reply of..."we could that but i'm concerned with your finances and if you can afford it..would only have cost 100 buck..even though i am on a tight budget, i figured it would be a break even situation for me..anyway the days go by and I'm not getting the right vibe from her but she's still able to keep it as if she's concerned about me...hmm..so the night before i was about to leave to see her were on the phone and everythings fine and she brings up some old argument/issue we had discussed years ago...as if just to put something in the way to prevent me coming....i think I've finally had it with her...i'm to old for this..lol....
So this is the text i got from her the nite of the day i was gonna drive to see her:
" So I guess your pretty mad. Don't know what to say. Maybe I just need to let go so you can be happy. So many doubts and mistrust. Shouldnt be like this. I am sorry though for my words. It is what it is in the end. Makes me sad for many reasons. Goodnight ..I love you"

I can see clearly she wants this relationship over even though both are families have shared things for over 5 years and all that stuff..
My question is this: How should I respond to this text?..or should I not respond at all and just move on?
Also she hasnt changed her status on facebook either and I was about to but read a comment in this group saying if i changed it would look like I'm hurting and should let her change it.
Thanks for reading and sorry it was so long....didnt start out that way.

 

[window]

Here is what you do, don't respond. It is clear you have handed your power to this woman on a plate. I would bet she was the one that moved away...you need to accept that "whatever it is" is over. Ask yourself this question...is the relationship making you feel good ? or are you having to make it work just to maintain it. i.e drive to see her on your last $100. If she loved you she would be with you. Her text was saying to you it is over.

The thing for women is it is a lot easier to move on...and they will keep you around as a security blanket, kinda like insurance.

 

[blg1236]

Here is what you do, don't respond. It is clear you have handed your power to this woman on a plate. I would bet she was the one that moved away...you need to accept that "whatever it is" is over. Ask yourself this question...is the relationship making you feel good ? or are you having to make it work just to maintain it. i.e drive to see her on your last $100. If she loved you she would be with you. Her text was saying to you it is over.

The thing for women is it is a lot easier to move on...and they will keep you around as a security blanket, kinda like insurance.

I know your right...and yes she moved away to be closer to her family and her daughter in college...she's always said i could come with her if I wanted to, but always seemed a bit lukewarm about it. we've had similar experiences were she would pull and wait for me to push back and when i wouldnt she would draw back in but in this instance it seems as if she may have made plans this weekend?? and really tried to get me out of coming down..hmm..well she succeeded...it hurts but i was married 22 years and my wife left me as soon as the kids went to college...that really frikkin hurt....so i've been here before. Fact is i'm a good looking late 40's man and don't really have an issue dating women. But financially right now i'm tight...so it kinda sucks with this happening now...So definatley no contact? and let her change the status on Facebook??....i'just have this yearning to reply somehow and have her on edge a bit as opposed to feeling that she dumped me.
Thanks

 

[blg1236]

I know your right...and yes she moved away to be closer to her family and her daughter in college...she's always said i could come with her if I wanted to, but always seemed a bit lukewarm about it. we've had similar experiences were she would pull and wait for me to push back and when i wouldnt she would draw back in but in this instance it seems as if she may have made plans this weekend?? and really tried to get me out of coming down..hmm..well she succeeded...it hurts but i was married 22 years and my wife left me as soon as the kids went to college...that really frikkin hurt....so i've been here before. Fact is i'm a good looking late 40's man and don't really have an issue dating women. But financially right now i'm tight...so it kinda sucks with this happening now...So definatley no contact? and let her change the status on Facebook??....i'just have this yearning to reply somehow and have her on edge a bit as opposed to feeling that she dumped me.
Thanks

 

[blg1236]

Now she just texted me asking "hows your weekend?"...
are you frikkin kidding me..i cant believe this but its soo typical of her....she's 51 years old and acts like she in highschool.

 

[Warrior74]

5 weeks? Good lord!

" So I guess your pretty mad. Don't know what to say. Maybe I just need to let go so you can be happy. So many doubts and mistrust. Shouldnt be like this. I am sorry though for my words. It is what it is in the end. Makes me sad for many reasons. Goodnight ..I love you"

That's a break up speech if I ever heard one. The thing is, she's not going to break up with you overtly. Women are covert, men are overt. She's telling you right here that it's over.

Personally I would send her a text and end it. "Listen we both know this isn't working, and I think we should go our separate ways, I wish only the best for you, goodbye." Then no contact.

She might blow up your phone or try to come visit. Just move on. But those words she wrote. Those words mean. IT'S OVER. She just can't bear to hurt you by saying it clearly and upfront, because hey...shes a woman. She said it as clearly as she could. At least she was relatively polite about it.

 

[blg1236]

Warrior i might just follow your advice....but she just frikkin texted me "hows your weekend?" .....WTF

 

[imarockstar]

..this women is absolutely gorgeous but completely f'd up when it comes to relationships....

problem was keeping up the head games were frikkin exhausting after a while.....

I can see clearly she wants this relationship over even though both are families have shared things for over 5 years and all that stuff..

You said most of it yourself. After 5 and 1/2 years, I think that you need to confront the issue with her, tell her the situation between you two needs to change because you both are no longer happy, thats obvious. I'm not sure why you would want to be in a relationship with someone so far away, why didn't you go with her? Or why did she even go in the first place, because I honestly think that if the feelings between you were that strong, you guys would not have let that separation occur. I may have to side with Warrior, her message the other night sounded like a polite way of breaking up.

You need to address the issue directly with her. The whole "how should I respond to her text" and "i was checking her facebook, should I change my status first" are examples of mindgames, the whole push pull game only works so long. You can't live the rest of your life acting uninterested in her in order to acquire an attention seeking reaction from her. Not gonna lie, 5 years is a long time, that's why owe it to yourself to fight to find a way to make things better, or part. What I'm saying is, stop playing games, just be honest and direct, you guys have been a couple for way too long to have to still be playing games.

 

[Warrior74]

You have to decide what you want and go for it. We can't do it for you. If you want her, go for it, go hard. If you don't want her anymore go for it and go hardcore no contact. You have to make decision. When you get to a tipping point you'll make one.

 

[Johnnyventana]

"hows your weekend?"

The classic "check-in" from the scandalous type. She's just checking to make sure you are still on the hook, should she ever need you.

Think back at all her re-engagement attempts. Does she act all normal and awesome UNTIL she sees she still has you and then goes right back to her less than awesome ways once you respond? Think...

 

[blg1236]

its amazing the good advice from you guys....some of whom are my sons age....ha
i think it just goes to show how damn wrapped up you can get in relationships with some women that it's hard to think straight....
so this will be my text to her...let me know what you think
"weve been together a long time to long for playing games and I think we both know this is'nt working. We should go our seperate ways. I wish you all the best.....relationships are what you make them"
thoughts?

 

[blg1236]

what johnnyventana posted.......yes she does....lol awww sh1t

 

[window]

you want to always show respect so when you get stuff like the first text just ignore it cause that is what it deserved but the second one just say "great, thnx..."

With respect to the past, basically as soon as she suggested she move away you should have made it clear that you will be happy to remain friends but you will start dating other women. That is covert feminine language btw he he.

 

[window]

basically a woman should never get to comfortable with you. She should know that you love and desire her but she should also know (without you telling her) that you could walk out the door in 30 seconds and be perfectly fine without her. Also any negative drama from a woman just dont tolerate it. First diffuse with humour then use the ignore button then if all else fails you walk.

 

[blg1236]

Thanks Window....well look i'm thinking about sending her this text....she's already texted me twice with little check in things..."hows your weekend" and " Whitney Houston died"...
hows this:
"weve been together a long time to long for playing games and I think we both know this is'nt working. We should go our seperate ways. I wish you all the best.....relationships are what you make them"

i just wanna have an upperhand.......or should I go complete NC

 

[Warrior74]

its amazing the good advice from you guys....some of whom are my sons age....ha
i think it just goes to show how damn wrapped up you can get in relationships with some women that it's hard to think straight....
so this will be my text to her...let me know what you think
"weve been together a long time to long for playing games and I think we both know this is'nt working. We should go our seperate ways. I wish you all the best.....relationships are what you make them"
thoughts?

I think your emotions are still bleeding out. You want to have the upper hand like you said. That's emotional. If you want to be rid of her badly, and not win emotionally you shave it down to this.

This is'nt working. We should go our seperate ways. I wish you all the best.

These are the facts. With a bit of politeness at the end.
Everything else you wrote was gamesmanship to leave feeling like you won emotionally.


even this betrays emotion.

"weve been together a long time to long for playing games and I think we both know this is'nt working. We should go our seperate ways. I wish you all the best.....relationships are what you make them"

If you are truly done with her, you'll leave off the emotional oneupmanship and just speak plainly as a man and go no contact. Trust me, I know from experience, that's pretty hard to do. We all want to have the last parting shot. But that parting shot leaves way for her to make a parting shot of her own and 2 weeks later you find yourself sucked back in. Say what you have to say and bail.

 

[blg1236]

well its done...i texted her..."This is'nt working. We should go our seperate ways. I wish you all the best."
I took your advice
she very quickly texted back "Thx"

ha...that could mean a number of things coming from her....maybe best not to dwell on it

 

[blg1236]

damn...thats all you get after 5-1/2 years......thx

 

[blg1236]

hmmmm maybe she means "thx...now i can get back to suukkin off this new dude im with since i prevented you from coming to visit"
lol

 

[Warrior74]

You made your decision. Don't second guess it. Time to meet some new women.