First date in an R'n'B club, have no idea what to do there...

[logarithm]

So, I know this very cute girl from a salsa club - I danced with her on several occasions throughout the last few weeks, but last Wednesday talked with her for few minutes, introduced myself and suggested her to come to another salsa party on the following day. Yesterday she found me and added me on facebook. We talked for a while there (it was good), but eventually she didn't come to the party I asked her for. Today we again chatted for about an hour and even though I failed terribly few sKit tests and messed up here and there, I arranged a date for tomorrow. We will go to an R'n'B party (it was her idea - it's bad, I know), but I've never been on a date at such place before. I'll have about 30 minutes for small talk before we enter the club and then I'm clueless.

Should I dance? Shoud I dance with her? Should I dance with stranger girls? How? Should I try to kiss her if everything is going fine? After how much time? What should I talk about before we enter the club?

Thanks!

 

[ebracer05]

So, I know this very cute girl from a salsa club - I danced with her on several occasions throughout the last few weeks,

That's good. I presume you can dance, which is even better. Did you not talk to her while you were dancing? I ask because the next part of your sentence makes it sound like you may not have. You can rob yourself of a lot of great sexually escalating opportunities by not talking to a girl you're dancing with.

but last Wednesday talked with her for few minutes, introduced myself and suggested her to come to another salsa party on the following day.

It's good that you are being more proactive than a lot of guys about seeing the girl, but did you suggest the salsa idea or did you suggest and confirm the salsa idea? There is a big difference. Saying "maybe we could hang out at the salsa dance tomorrow" and expecting the girl to show up is a big mistake. I don't know if that's along the lines of what you did or not, but it is much better to suggest/ask for a date and establish confirmation. You don't have to be anal retentive about it, but you can't expect a girl to show up if you don't make hard, solidified plans.

Yesterday she found me and added me on facebook.

That's a pretty legit indicator of interest. She found you. She had to remember your name and seek you out.

We talked for a while there (it was good),

Online, text, and other nonverbal mediums of communication are popular today. I hate it but that's just the way it is. A lot of guys overuse these and flounder with their dating prospects. Anymore I think the adage ought to be to use nonverbal mediums of communication cautiously... You have to use them to some point... but try not to get sucked in to having full blown conversations via text or via Facebook. The goal is to get the girl off Facebook, not allowing her to stay there while you constantly feed her attention or occupy her time.

but eventually she didn't come to the party I asked her for.

Depending on whether or not you had hard, solidified plans, this is good or bad. You didn't mention that you did, so it's hard to say. You also didn't mention if she offered a reason for not coming and if she did, what it was. Both of those are important.

Today we again chatted for about an hour and even though I failed terribly few sKit tests and messed up here and there,

An hour is wayyyyyy too long to be chatting unless you're together or you've been in a relationship with the girl and for some reason one of you needs to go away for a little while.

This is precisely the reason for that. It seems to me that given these nonverbal communication channels, it would be easier to pass a sh*t test since you have time to think about what she said and how to respond. It doesn't seem to work that way, maybe because guys get too in their head about what they're saying and since it's a nonverbal mechanism of communication, the girl isn't on the same page with the guy's communication attempt.

Misunderstandings are very common with nonverbal communication mediums and the really big problem is, no matter what you meant, no matter how you said it, it doesn't matter what you were thinking... when the girl interprets what you say, no matter how you meant it, her interpretation is law and will not change. You're stuck with the meaning she gave your words. That is why you must be very careful and it is ideal to keep this stuff short. Besides, if she wants to talk to you for an hour and you only give her 10-15 minutes, it's like this... you're hungry for a steak and someone brings a plate of an awesome steak over to you... and as soon as you take a big, start smelling it's aroma, you're salivating, starving... they take the steak. What do you want back now? The steak. In this example, you are the steak and she is hungry. Make her starve.

I arranged a date for tomorrow. We will go to an R'n'B party (it was her idea - it's bad, I know), but I've never been on a date at such place before. I'll have about 30 minutes for small talk before we enter the club and then I'm clueless.

Ok. First, it's good that she suggested a date. She wants to go somewhere with you, that's obviously not bad. However. Don't let her steal the frame. Just because she suggests something doesn't mean you have to say yes and doesn't mean you can't make a counter offer. I am a white guy, and I know that doesn't matter because some white guys would be awesome at an R'n'B party... but I'm not one of those white guys lol. Everyone has different settings that they're comfortable and uncomfortable in and you need to be mindful of that when you're planning a date and getting started in game. When you grow more personally, it will be easier to put yourself in new and/or potentially uncomfortable situations because you will have become a better man and just won't care as much whether or not you think people are judging you or evaluating you. And even if they are, you won't care. You shouldn't right now, but if you do, it's understandable and a factor of where you are. Don't fight it, just recognize it and understand that you need to move beyond that.

I don't know how much you like this girl. If you're really concerned about being thrown out of your comfort zone, call up some of your bros and go out to the club tonight so you at least have an idea about what the atmosphere will be like. Even if you feel like you're totally out of your element, you will do much better tomorrow if you at least have the experience under your belt of having gone there tonight. It will also give you an opportunity to see what other people are doing and what the vibe of the club is like and what you should be doing with the girl tomorrow.

Should I dance? Shoud I dance with her? Should I dance with stranger girls? How? Should I try to kiss her if everything is going fine? After how much time? What should I talk about before we enter the club?

I am going to assume you like this girl since you wrote a post about it and have been pursuing her. Should you dance with her?

YES!!!!!!!!!

Why in the world wouldn't you? You dance with her at salsa but not at an R'n'B club? I don't think I've ever been to an R'n'B club, but since you do salsa you probably have at least seen batchata before and realize how intimate it is. Blues dancing is another very intimate form of dancing (even more so than batchata) and if I remember right from my dance lessons, you can do that very easily with R'n'B music. And if you've never done it, find a youtube video of it. It's so simple dude, you basically just have your leg up against her crotch and are grinding against her to the music. I mean, you couldn't have a better prelude to sex!

I don't know what this girl is like but since she arranged the date with you I wouldn't just up and leave her to start dancing with some other girls. You aren't out sarging, you're on a date, and since she asked you for a date you probably don't need to start getting any jealously plot lines running (and I think those are stupid anyways, BTW. If you have to use those, there is probably a deficiency in your game somewhere).

After reading the rest of your last paragraph, I'm going to give you this advice, and if you read all of this and remember anything I've said, this is the most important thing. It's more important than whether you know how to dance, if you feel comfortable in an R'n'B club... it trumps all of that.

Here it is:

You cannot turn human sexuality in to an equation.

This isn't an engineering problem man, it's a girl. I had a hard time with this stuff too, but you can't think about this in terms of an algorithm, equation, or anything like that. It's a natural thing and you just have to let it be, and that's one of the toughest things in the world for guys who are intellectual, I think. If you've got some time on your hands today read The Book of Pook, or start reading it. I could identify with a lot of what he said because based on what he read, he struggled with a lot of issues like this. But seriously, read that book. If you don't have much time, read the Fifteen Lessons and Ohh La La

And yes, you need to kiss her. That is what I was telling you in the last post I commented on. Kissing is making a move, and if you don't make a move, you will never have any idea about whether the girl likes you as a friend or as a lover. Rollo says that girls only have 2 types of relationships... they have girlfriends and boyfriends, and if you aren't f*cking her, you are her girlfriend. When do you kiss her? If you read Pook, he'll tell you. You have to learn to trust the gut. Do you feel like you should kiss her. Are you having a good time with her. Stop thinking about all the mechanical crap behind the two of yours' interaction. That is what his Ohh La La essay is about. When you start thinking about anything related to the mechanics of what you're doing and whether you should be doing this, that or the other, tell your mind to stfu and fill your mind with the phrase "Ohh La La"

Look at the girl. Isn't she beautiful? "Ohh La La".

Aren't you have the best time in the world with her? You just can't wait to get your hands all over her! "Ohh La La".

What's that?? She's smiling at you?! She looks sooo sexy in that dress! "Ohh La La".

If you can get that mechanical crap out of your mind and fill it with what you really should be thinking about anyways, the fact that you're out with a pretty girl and want to bang her, your gut will tell you when it's time. But definitely kiss her before you say goodbye. You HAVE to kiss her before the night is over.

Thanks!

Comments in bold.

 

[logarithm]

Thank you for the thorough response, ebracer05, I guess I owe you two beers at least for it.

When I go to salsa parties, usually try to tease girls when I dance, talk for a while with some of them after that and eventually ask for a phone number. It just happened that I didn't have the opportunity to make good enough connection with that girl before last Wednesday.
During a bachata dance with her I mentioned the other party and she seemed kinda intrigued (this method already worked well with another girl). On the next day she said on fb that isn't sure about it and today came up with the excuse that she has been just too tired for another party.
I also hate fb and skype texting, but have noticed that it's almost necessary to do it at least for a while in order to make the girl interested enough. But I totally agree - the hour today was way too long. The good thing is that when I read it again, it didn't look as bad as I thought initially. Interesting comparison with the steak, I got hungry now.
About the date - actually, she didn't suggest it. At some point she said that she went to that R'n'B club last Friday with friends and then we talked for a while about it. At the end of the conversation I suggested to go to the same club together. Maybe it was a mistake, because I'll be a little bit out of my comfort zone, but on the other hand I thought it may become easier to try to kiss her eventually.
It is interesting you mentioned "equation" in your post, since I'm doing Maths now and also kinda disappointing to know that can't apply it successfully

Also thanks for the recommended literature, will check it today. Ohh La La...

 

[blind_one]

So, I know this very cute girl from a salsa club - I danced with her on several occasions throughout the last few weeks, but last Wednesday talked with her for few minutes, introduced myself and suggested her to come to another salsa party on the following day. Yesterday she found me and added me on facebook. We talked for a while there (it was good), but eventually she didn't come to the party I asked her for. Today we again chatted for about an hour and even though I failed terribly few sKit tests and messed up here and there, I arranged a date for tomorrow. We will go to an R'n'B party (it was her idea - it's bad, I know), but I've never been on a date at such place before. I'll have about 30 minutes for small talk before we enter the club and then I'm clueless.

Should I dance? Shoud I dance with her? Should I dance with stranger girls? How? Should I try to kiss her if everything is going fine? After how much time? What should I talk about before we enter the club?

Thanks!

Looking forward to the report on how it went, im sure you'll do fine tho.

 

[logarithm]

Failed... The girl gave me mixed signals, I guess just wanted to have some fun and get a nice friend. Here is the report:

We met at 11PM at some place in town. Then had a walk for about 40 minutes and got to the disco. The party started at about 1AM and we had nice talk until then. She said she almost never adds people on facebook and has only about 100 of them, so I thought the fact she found me there was a good IOI. I tried to escalate and at some point put my arm behind her while sitting on a couch. When we went to the dance floor, it turned up that she was an excellent hip-hop dancer and I had to join her. When I was talking to her there, I was using some kino and she was cool with that. However, lots of the time she was dancing with her back facing at me and didn't come to grind on me or something. Eventually we made few fun dances - I was holding her from behind with my hands around her belly or on her hips, held hands. When we were facing/rubbing each other, her head was pointing to the side though. At some point she came to me and asked to go outside for a while, so we went to a relatively quite room and sat on a couch. I hugged her and we started talking, rubbed her arm too. However, she again didn't do the look-at-me-and-wait-for-the-kiss expression. So I got pissed off, went back to the dance floor, danced for a little bit more alone and told her I'm leaving (it was nearly 4AM). There was some funny guy (with a ridiculous "I'm the pimp here" attitude) who was dancing with her from time to time and she asked me whether I got angry because of that or she insulted me in some other way (I responded with a "No"). She took my hand and came with me to the exit, where I joked something and left. I didn't feel the Ohh La La anymore and since it was basically the end of the night, didn't risk with a kiss-close. When I woke up, found out she has texted me on facebook:
"Bla-bla-inside-joke I hope I didn't do something terrible which disgusted you and forced you to run away Would be so happy to have [traditional non-alcoholic drink] now (inside joke)"
I'm extremely confused - most probably I'm in the FZ already, but decided to make a last try:
"Haha, you were just too sweaty to dance with you anymore I also haven't drunk [traditional non-alcoholic drink] for few days already, we may meet later to get some."

UPDATE - 4 hours later:
She has read the message for sure, not reply. Thank you anyway, guys

 

[ebracer05]

there's a few points here...

Failed... The girl gave me mixed signals, I guess just wanted to have some fun and get a nice friend. Here is the report:

We met at 11PM at some place in town. Then had a walk for about 40 minutes and got to the disco. The party started at about 1AM and we had nice talk until then. She said she almost never adds people on facebook and has only about 100 of them, so I thought the fact she found me there was a good IOI. I tried to escalate and at some point put my arm behind her while sitting on a couch.

Is putting your arm around her the only escalation you did?

When we went to the dance floor, it turned up that she was an excellent hip-hop dancer and I had to join her. When I was talking to her there, I was using some kino and she was cool with that. However, lots of the time she was dancing with her back facing at me and didn't come to grind on me or something.

Why didn't you use those arms you had around her hips to pull her in closer to you so you could start grinding? In general, emotional escalation is the female's job... sexual escalation is the male's job.

Eventually we made few fun dances - I was holding her from behind with my hands around her belly or on her hips, held hands. When we were facing/rubbing each other, her head was pointing to the side though.

One common thing I see in all of this is that you never made a move. I think you think you made a move, but everything you did was too passive to be considered "a move". Holding a girl by the waist while you're dancing is not a move. Putting your arm around her and kinoing her is not a move. However,

Removing one of your hands from her while you're dancing, putting it on her head, using it to turn her head towards you, looking in to her eyes for a moment, and without apology kissing her - that's a move.

This is the problem when guys read too much in to what a girl does (or really, when they analyze it at all) that is not a direct response to a direct sexual advance. How can you know what she was thinking? You never put her in a position where she had to make a concrete decision to let you know whether or not she was in to you sexually. And that's what makes the difference between the friendzone and the bed room.

At some point she came to me and asked to go outside for a while

Dude... this girl sounds like she really wanted you to start getting it with her. "Go outside with me" is girl language for isolating you. At the very very least it means "makeout with me".

, so we went to a relatively quite room and sat on a couch. I hugged her and we started talking, rubbed her arm too. However, she again didn't do the look-at-me-and-wait-for-the-kiss expression.

Have you ever watched either an older movie with an actor like Carry Grant or Marlon Brando... or maybe one of the few newer movies with a real DJ male in it like Pierce Bronsnan or George Clooney? If you haven't, that is the next thing you need to do. Every time you're with a girl dude, she's not going to give you some inexplicable sign that it's time to kiss her. They don't always get starry eyed, feel limp in your arms, and drooling from the sight of you.

Again, I'm saying this again because it's a super important point. Sexual escalation is your job. Had this been me, if I hadn't done anything yet, I would have had her hand an been leading her somewhere, like the couch. I probably would have taken her to a more isolated place than that since she wanted to go outside. I would have sat down, with my arm around her, put my hand against the back of her head, and just gone for it dude. What is the worst possible thing that could happen? Is she going to pull out a gun and shoot you? Are there a bunch of people with video cameras hiding behind all the sh*t there, ready to pull them out and start videoing her laughing at you while they laugh at you too, so they can put it on youtube? Of course not! Like they said in The Little Mermaid, "You know you gotta, kiss the girl".

It doesn't sound like you tried.

So I got pissed off, went back to the dance floor, danced for a little bit more alone and told her I'm leaving (it was nearly 4AM). There was some funny guy (with a ridiculous "I'm the pimp here" attitude) who was dancing with her from time to time and she asked me whether I got angry because of that or she insulted me in some other way (I responded with a "No").

I don't think that was necessary. After reading all of this stuff, unless you left something out, she never rejected one single advance, said "no" to you about anything, or did anything else that would be offensive.

She took my hand and came with me to the exit,

She took your hand. That's all I'm saying

where I joked something and left. I didn't feel the Ohh La La anymore and since it was basically the end of the night, didn't risk with a kiss-close.

The last one of Pook's 15 lessons is "The greatest risk in life is not to risk it all".

When I woke up, found out she has texted me on facebook:
"Bla-bla-inside-joke I hope I didn't do something terrible which disgusted you and forced you to run away Would be so happy to have [traditional non-alcoholic drink] now (inside joke)"
I'm extremely confused - most probably I'm in the FZ already,

I have a feeling bro, that she is confused. I would be if I was the girl. You are probably, in a very unintentional way, doing a good job of playing a cat string game with this girl, if she is interested in you. Even if she's not, you could be creating interest. But you don't know she's interested. I don't. No one does except her and maybe she's told some of her girlfriends. There is only ONE WAY you can FIND OUT. I'll be you can guess what it is

but decided to make a last try:
"Haha, you were just too sweaty to dance with you anymore I also haven't drunk [traditional non-alcoholic drink] for few days already, we may meet later to get some."

UPDATE - 4 hours later:
She has read the message for sure, not reply. Thank you anyway, guys

Dude, I hate to see guys place so much emphasis on texting. Who cares. There are infinity + 1 legitimate reasons why she might not have responded to what you said, from being legitimately busy, not compulsively checking her phone, to not knowing what to say to that.

I think you owe it to yourself to give this one more shot. Forget this drinks stuff dude, it's probably getting expensive. You have prolly spend enough money on this girl already. I think from what you said you are in college. Things are much simpler in college than they are outside of college. It is really simple:

Invite her over for a movie.

I gotta get going dude, but that is exactly what I would do. Invite her over for some movie, manufacture whatever you have to. And you try and makeout with her, early. If she isn't receptive, she leaves and that's it. You have your answer. If she is receptive, make sure you have a condom. Alcohol will not hurt either. Chicks tend to like fruity vodka drinks. Just buy some juice and add vodka liberally. A good vodka, but I am a drink snob. The good ones tend to mask the alcohol better too.

Good luck.