Hey guys...
So I got out of an extremely destructive on and off 8 year relationship just before covid started.
Really glad to be out of it, but when I reflect back on how I was before I met her... I feel that now... like I'm just completely withdrawn from women in general.
I enjoy my life. I own a company here in LA. Own my own home. I'm on my own time so I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Started learning guitar quite a few months back to do something different. Really focusing on me, and though I've met some really attractive women who I'd love to go out with.. I don't really ask anyone out. Just don't feel it I guess. I also feel so out of practice that I would probably just end up completely embarrassing myself anyways...hahaha
I'm so busy with stuff I'm doing in my life, that I've been resorting to dating apps just to see what's out there. Even though I'm a fairly good looking guy (46, but look like I'm in my early 30s) l rarely get matches...and the likes I get are horrrrrible. In the past year and a half I've had maybe 10 or 12 matches.. with the majority of them being either bots, or women who unmatch after I suggest we get together and meet.
I finally matched with an interesting girl about 2 months ago... who gave me a lot of red flags I ignored. I mentioned her in another thread. This girl only wanted to chat over message, and didn't want to share her phone number, due to previous horrible experiences with online dating.
Whatever.
Against my better judgment I never unmatched this girl (seemed like she had a lot of issues, and mentioned her ex a couple times). We just sort of stayed in contact casually for the past 8 weeks. In conversation she rarely shared anything with me. If I expressed interest in something she was doing or something about her, her answers were short. She said other guys think that she's "mysterious"... To me it was just annoying as fvuck. One thing she never did: ask me anything about me. Never expressed interest in anything that I was doing. Conversation generally revolved around me trying to get to know her, and her not bothering from her side.
So in short, pretty useless unemotional, unimportant unattached chit chat.
She never once ever seemed into me. Mega low IL.
She kept telling me that she's acts like this because she's untrusting of guys she meets online. A lot of bad experiences and she's very suspicious of everyone, so it takes a lot for her to open up. The only person who gets her phone number is her "boyfriend". Guys she's dating, they can only reach her through the dating app.
I think I was just talking to her out of pure boredom.. and wanting to connect with a cute girl. Satisfying my own ego... So I'm to blame for a lot of this.
She works pretty much 7 days a week, and on occasion would hint that when she has a day off we can possibly get together (uh huh)...
A week before Thanksgiving she tells me that she has Thanksgiving off because of it being a holiday. She was hinting that we get together, but I didn't go for it.
3 days later she brings it up again, so I take the bait. As she's French, and I'm Canadian.. American Thanksgiving isn't really either of our holidays. So I had no problem meeting her. Also figured I needed the dating practice anyway.. and it would probably be pretty chill due to the fact that she is so timid and supposedly untrusting of men on dating sites.
After we make plans her attitude towards me changes. She's much more responsive to me and she starts acting like a normal person.
I tell her I'll meet her in her area, and we can grab a drink or just chill somewhere.
Instead, she wanted to go to dinner.. and on top of that, give me her address and asks that I pick her up - complete 180 from someone who's afraid of men, untrusting of men, suspicious of men, and fearful of them on dating apps .
All this behavior confused the living shyt out of me.
I showed up not really that into it.. but as the evening went on she actually ended up being a really cool girl.
But.... With me so out of practice (hadn't been on an official date in like 8 years)... I had no game whatsoever. I just completely bombed with this girl and it ended up feeling like a friend hang out.
My flirting game was awful, if not completely non-existent. And there was no escalation on my part. Part of me didn't feel it, and the other part of me was scared as shyt. I kept hesitating because she drilled it into my head for 8 weeks, that she needs a guy to take it slow with her, and she's so suspicious of men on dating apps.
In person I thought she was really cute and interesting. Very intelligent and artistic. We spent like six or seven hours together
Anyway, after dropping her off (I normally would have walked her to the door)...she gets out of my car turns to me and says, "thanks for the evening I had a good time.. and you can have my phone number".
I was a little bit in shock because she told me a few weeks earlier that she ONLY
gives her number to someone she considers a "boyfriend". She was also walking away. quickly and with me feeling so out of it (like a 16 year old kid not knowing what the hell I'm doing)... I didn't close the deal on that. I think my gut was telling me I really didn't want her phone number.
She tells me to message her when I get home, so she knows I arrived safely.
I get home, message her, and she replies by asking what I think of her.
Wasn't really prepared for that one. Wasn't sure how I felt because I felt a lot more confused than anything else...but... nonetheless... I told her I thought she was really cute I enjoyed spending time with her and would for sure like to go out with her again.
Well apparently that wasn't good enough.
The conversation took a bit of a turn...and
within a few sentences tells me that she doesn't want a guy that finds her cute. She wants a guy who will fight for her (aka she wants a guy to chase her)...
ummmmmm...okaaay....
I told her I only just met her...
She then started attacking me over messages telling me that I'm "not ready for a relationship, and clearly only looking for a sexual partner". And if I'm interested in her it's going to "take a lot of time". I believe her exact words were:
"You want a girl who's easy. Casual. Someone who isn't going to be a lot of work."
(In my head I'm like, "ummmm...yeah... That sounds really great!")
"I don't trust guys. I'm suspicious of everyone I meet on online dating. And it takes a lot for me to open up. With me it's going to take a lot of work, and I don't think you want that."
With me clearly having an ego problem of my own.. and getting pissed off that she's attacking me for absolutely no reason.. what ensued was a ridiculous online messaging argument. The arguing was more from her side, and me trying to calm the situation down.
I know, I know.. I should not have engaged and just walked away.
This entire thing was reminiscent of my ex.. it was like I was back to the drawing board with the same type of fvked up personality.
This ridiculous chat went on for quite a bit with her accusing me of having all sorts of terrible personality traits, and me arguing and defending myself.. to the point where she was so angry with me she told me that I'm extraordinarily insecure, and then completely unmatched me.
Clearly the universe was working in my favor and I dodged a major bullet on this one...
But... I keep blaming myself for allowing this to go on. Yes I knew the warning signs. Yes I should have walked away immediately.
For the past week only one thing has been going through my head, "what the hell is wrong with me?"
I mean holy crap... I never ever used to be like this. I would walk away when there was a red flag. I had a lot more self-respect. 2 years have gone by for god sakes..
Besides the complete novel we could write about her.. I am more interested in figuring out me.
Can anyone else relate to what I am going through right now? And how the hell to get out of it?
From my side, it appears my issues are a need for complete ego fulfillment, combined with a lack of self-esteem/self-confidence... Which ironically is exactly what this girl was all about, too.
Sorry for the long post.
Mike
