"Finding a Wife"

[BlueAlpha1]

Let me preface by asking you to please be respectful because I still love my mother, but here goes:

My mother is sometimes a delusional, ignorant woman. Her selfish attitude played a key role in my father's early death coupled with his failure to rebuild his life after his divorce. She has since remarried to a former alpha, who was in the air force, rides a motorcycle, and works hard labor at a factory - but still quietly takes her crap. It's unreal what a man will put up with in order to have a pu$$y on his arm.

The only people who get a somewhat watered down version of her is my brother and I. She is usually ruthless to most everyone else who crosses her, and is sometimes that way with us, but we are the only ones not afraid to check her. And about 50% of the time, if we work together she will defer to us...

Recently she has been throwing in some zingers about making more friends and "finding a wife". As some of you know a lot happened to me in 2014-2015 that shaped me into the man I am right now. I admittedly have trust issues and am very jaded. I moved to Florida 18 months ago, I don't have many friends in the state I live and haven't had a girlfriend in well over a year. I have only been on about 3-4 dates

These zingers from my mother are pi$$ing me off. I understand in a way where she's coming from - she is 55 years old and wants little grandbabies running around. Instead, she hears the silence when her man is at work and as such, surrounds herself with cats she treats like humans (very strange actually.) But what she doesn't realize is in a way, she is the reason I don't settle down. Because I don't want an aging, nagging wife who probably puts out twice a year and who endlessly exploits me. Her behavior during my parents' divorce coupled with a long relationship with a very unstable woman were pretty much been the death knell in my aspirations for marriage. Still relatively young, but at 27 I don't want it at least for another 10 years.

She's right in one sense though. I'm too introverted and too reserved, despite SoSuave's advice that you don't really need friends or approval in this life. I don't put myself out there because I largely detest the people in my immediate vicinity (not on a personal level, I just don't respect or identify with their resignation to drudgery and mediocrity.) What my mother doesn't understand is that for 20 years, she's been part of the problem. It is also worth noting that her mother, my deceased grandmother, was my mom on steroids. A truly a repugnant, vicious woman at times.

In the case of my family and my chosen relationships, it has always been a predatory female victimizing the males around them, and my fight or flight response has simply been don't give yourself to women anymore. I hope to break out of this, but in the mean time it's kind of ironic. My mother is unknowingly paying for her sins, as she approaches 60 and there are no grandchildren on the horizon because of her actions throughout her life. She has a much better chance with my little brother, in 4 year LTR with a sweet girl who, you guessed it, mom can't get along with.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Fantastic assertive techniques here:
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900

You can take whatever she says and easily deflect it with little emotion.

 

[logicallefty]

NC we implement on women we date works just as good on family, friends, even mothers. I had a similar situation with my mom back in 2015. I let a young couple I know live in my basement for a while when they fell on hard times. Mind you I live in a 5 bedroom house that I own so space is no issue. The couple helped me with my dog and with a few other things while they were there. My mom would come over and rag on me about them and every tiny thing they did. NON STOP. Then she started ragging about them on the phone to me, etc. It got so bad that one day I told her she was no longer welcome at my house and I went NC on her for 3 x weeks, didnt answer calls or texts or anything. When I talked to her I told her why I had been ignoring her calls and that I wasn't gonna put up with her nagging anymore. She stopped for a while and then started in again. The second time I said "If you don't lay off about how I run my life then take me out of your will and subtract a child from the number of children you tell people you have. I'M DONE." That really hit her an she hasn't ragged on me since. And she still randomly apologizes for the whole thing once in a while.

OP, maybe its time to give a little SS NC love to your mother? Then tell her you are done with her ragging about you getting a wife.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

NC we implement on women we date works just as good on family, friends, even mothers. I had a similar situation with my mom back in 2015. I let a young couple I know live in my basement for a while when they fell on hard times. Mind you I live in a 5 bedroom house that I own so space is no issue. The couple helped me with my dog and with a few other things while they were there. My mom would come over and rag on me about them and every tiny thing they did. NON STOP. Then she started ragging about them on the phone to me, etc. It got so bad that one day I told her she was no longer welcome at my house and I went NC on her for 3 x weeks, didnt answer calls or texts or anything. When I talked to her I told her why I had been ignoring her calls and that I wasn't gonna put up with her nagging anymore. She stopped for a while and then started in again. The second time I said "If you don't lay off about how I run my life then take me out of your will and subtract a child from the number of children you tell people you have. I'M DONE." That really hit her an she hasn't ragged on me since. And she still randomly apologizes for the whole thing once in a while.

OP, maybe its time to give a little SS NC love to your mother? Then tell her you are done with her ragging about you getting a wife.

My original post was a rant that isn't truly indicative of the actual problem with my mother. She hasn't really ragged on me about getting a wife as much as she occassionally throws in harmless zingers about wanting a grandchild or wanting me to "find a woman" - I guess she means settle down.

That's not really the problem from her. She doesn't tell me in particular how to run my life. She accepts whatever I tell her I'm doing next as I've already set her straight on that a long time ago. Where she really pisses me off is her constant nagging about her husband, her brother (my uncle), her father (my grandfather), and my brother's girlfriend. She is a complainer and a negative person that sees the bad in everyone, just like her rotten mother did. I've expressed to her she's getting just like her mother as she advances in age, and she juts vehemently denies it.

My brother and I have done the best any man could do keeping her attitude in check when it comes to us. Because of that we are not the targets, only the ones who have to listen to her ragdoll the actual targets constantly. And they are for petty, insecure, childish reasons. I think it's because she's literally the only woman left in the equation this side of the family. My grandmother (her mother) is dead, my mother had no sisters, her brother is divorced from his wife, and she had no daughters. All she has is men around, and she can't seem to understand why we don't gush over every stupid non-anniversary or do the flowers/cards/candy bs "just because".

My mother is a spoiled woman with princess syndrome at the ripe old age of 55.

 

[BeExcellent]

The NC route is something you can do, but perhaps another alternative is to politely get off the phone when the tirade starts or to set boundaries on the length of time that you'll be around in person.

People who behave in this way (negative, nagging, shrill) tend to be opaque in the self awareness department. My mom is the same. I don't talk unless absolutely necessary, which is about once every couple years for an hour or so at the holidays.

What is remarkable is the reduction in stress from my own life removing that negative influence and energy.

You and your brother must support one another as you are doing and manage her. Be encouraging to your brother's LTR and support her. If along the way you stumble across someone similar then they'll be supportive of you.

Try not to let your mom's attitude get to you. She comes from a self centered place and there's nothing you can do about that which you aren't already doing.

When you are going in a positive direction negative people are just a plain drag. Next time she drops the hint...tell her:

"Of course mom! You'll be the first to know"

Then smile really big and change the subject.

If she can't take that hint then you'll either have to ignore it or make a more pointed statement, but best not to start off that way.

 

[Alvafe]

that is one thing I never really understand, why you guys have to tell her everything you do? start to keep your mom in the dark, don't tell her things, one thing I did to my mom a lot with make her low a little was the simple don't you tire to complain always? because everything I do she don't like she ask me don't you get tired of doing "thing you do here"?, I started to answers the same way, it make her slow down till one time I had a fight with her annoying nagging with make her stop doing it for 3 months now she does it once in a while.

one thing I also do is don't care about her opnion at all so I tend to ignore her "inputs" one time she asked what other will think of you, I always say, I couldn't care less about what others think.

so the best you can do to deal with your mom, is serious ignore her inputs, cut it short, side with your granpa, uncle when she is nagging you like, "he is right you know"

 

[Urbanyst]

that is one thing I never really understand, why you guys have to tell her everything you do? start to keep your mom in the dark, don't tell her things, one thing I did to my mom a lot with make her low a little was the simple don't you tire to complain always? because everything I do she don't like she ask me don't you get tired of doing "thing you do here"?, I started to answers the same way, it make her slow down till one time I had a fight with her annoying nagging with make her stop doing it for 3 months now she does it once in a while.

one thing I also do is don't care about her opnion at all so I tend to ignore her "inputs" one time she asked what other will think of you, I always say, I couldn't care less about what others think.

so the best you can do to deal with your mom, is serious ignore her inputs, cut it short, side with your granpa, uncle when she is nagging you like, "he is right you know"

I'm on the same page.

At some point you have to see yourself as an adult who can make your own decisions. Its ridiculous to be a grown adult man and still be living by your parents rules. In fact, its ridiculous to let another adult set your priorities for you. Remember you are an adult. You don't need anyone else to tell you how to live your life unless you ask them.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I can't even remember what it was that my mother-in-law of the time was trying to get me to do when she visited from the islands one time in Florida. She grew up fabulously wealthy and was accustomed to always being around servants, employees, salespeople wanting her money, basically everyone in her life had to put up with her. She was trying to get me to change the way I was doing something, going on and on without taking a polite no for an answer. I finally snapped on her. "Thank you for your input!" and cut her off. She called me a 'daft boy' but she did shut up. She and I ended up being great friends. Sometimes she would take my side when my wife and I argued.