Finally broke off my LTR today...feeling really crappy.

[killerasp]

some back story: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=196521

So today I went over to my gf's place and broke the news.

As expected, she was shocked and pretty much broke down. Unexpectedly, i too broke down. I tried my best to stick to the mental script that i had for myself.

Ultimately, i feel that i did the right thing. But I feel like i just tore a piece of my soul out. Its hard enough to type this post mid tears as I think about the conversation we had. I feel bad enough that I to break up with her, but I feel great pain knowing I'm causing her great pain. After being together for nearly 5 years, i feel like i just tore off a piece of myself. She said she truly felt that 'we were meant to be together'. After that, i just lost my composure. I told her if "we were meant to be together", then our paths would cross again in the future. I didnt want to say anything too positive to give her false hopes.

It sucks that I had to do it now while she is going through a period of "finding herself" b/c she hates her job. Mid-crying she asked if she should quit her job, live off her savings and travel. I told her not to do something rash right now. She should take the time to think it all through. If she really feels she wants to do that after seriously thinking about it, then do it.


Thats all. I just felt like sharing b/c i didnt think it would hurt me this bad. Ill get over this in time. Thanks for listening.

 

[backbreaker]

some back story: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=196521

So today I went over to my gf's place and broke the news.

As expected, she was shocked and pretty much broke down. Unexpectedly, i too broke down. I tried my best to stick to the mental script that i had for myself.

Ultimately, i feel that i did the right thing. But I feel like i just tore a piece of my soul out. Its hard enough to type this post mid tears as I think about the conversation we had. I feel bad enough that I to break up with her, but I feel great pain knowing I'm causing her great pain. After being together for nearly 5 years, i feel like i just tore off a piece of myself. She said she truly felt that 'we were meant to be together'. After that, i just lost my composure. I told her if "we were meant to be together", then our paths would cross again in the future. I didnt want to say anything too positive to give her false hopes.

It sucks that I had to do it now while she is going through a period of "finding herself" b/c she hates her job. Mid-crying she asked if she should quit her job, live off her savings and travel. I told her not to do something rash right now. She should take the time to think it all through. If she really feels she wants to do that after seriously thinking about it, then do it.


Thats all. I just felt like sharing b/c i didnt think it would hurt me this bad. Ill get over this in time. Thanks for listening.

you did good. I mean you cared about the girl.

i actually think this is why a lot of girls cheat on their BF's after like 2-3 years or what not; not beucase htey are *****s bu t beucase it's easier on them for a guy they lost love with to be pissed at them and want to break up with them then it is for them to face the guy and tell them that they don't want to see them anymore. that's actually not very easy to do. it's much easier for someone to hate your guts

 

[Desdinova]

There's women we ditch because they're flaky, they have emotional baggage, they hang onto their ex's, and whatever other problems they have. But occasionally there's the women who's only fault is that their personality or interests just don't sync well with ours. They're not bad people and we care about them, but they just aren't right for us. Those are the breakups that are the most difficult.

...but doesn't it actually feel kinda nice to have that burden lifted off your shoulders?

 

[killerasp]

There's women we ditch because they're flaky, they have emotional baggage, they hang onto their ex's, and whatever other problems they have. But occasionally there's the women who's only fault is that their personality or interests just don't sync well with ours. They're not bad people and we care about them, but they just aren't right for us. Those are the breakups that are the most difficult.

...but doesn't it actually feel kinda nice to have that burden lifted off your shoulders?

During our conversation, I kept thinking.."oh crap. am i doing the right thing? did i try hard enough make things better?" And to be honest, that is what I am thinking right now...Could i have made things better? Part of me thinks I should have tried harder the other part of me says that would be a waste of time b/c things wont change.

I never thought I'd be reacting the way I am now. For weeks, i kept telling myself to be strong leading up to today. I felt confident that I would walk in there, tell her how i feel, console her and leave. Now I am having thoughts of regret/guiltiness (possibly normal feelings after a breakup? i never done this before). I've been a trainwreck since this morning.

 

[backbreaker]

that's pretty normal

right now you aren't thinking very rationally.

when i met my wife, i was spinning 3 other plates. 2 of them i had been spinning for over a half of a year. I kinda liked them, one in particular. but wheni met my wife and we go tto know each other there was no doubt in my mind which one I liked the most.

i felt kinda bad telling the other 2 plates that the gig is up.. neither of them really did anything wrong. i just liked her more, we were more comtable. one of them had been asking me for the longest to date her and i kept not leeding her on but letting her think it was possible, and it was, but she was heart broken and called me every name in the book.


the best thing you can do, or the thign i did i did both of them in one day and later that nigght i had my now wife come over partly to reinforce why i did what i did and partly to get my mind off of it. the next day i was all good

 

[Greasy Pig]

The hardest thing to do is often the best thing to do.
If you didn't break up with her now, you'd be wracked for who knows how long with all those same feelings of uncertainty and doubt which brought you to your course of action.
In this case, you were damned if you did and damned if you didn't.

You were very brave to do what you did and deep down you know it's for the best and that your reasoning was sound.

It'll hurt for a long time but to let this relationship continue and essentially lead this girl on would've caused a lot more hurt down the track.

 

[Desdinova]

Now I am having thoughts of regret/guiltiness (possibly normal feelings after a breakup? i never done this before). I've been a trainwreck since this morning.

The last girl I dated wasn't really an a55hole. She was great for the first 8 months we were together. She treated me well, cooked for me, and we had quite a bit of stuff in common. Honestly, she would have been a better woman to marry than my ex-wife.

I broke things off with her on a Sunday morning. I sat in the bed while she rooted through my house, making a mess and gathering her things. I stayed in the bedroom. I felt awful. She called me a chicken 5hit for just sitting there, thinking about what I had done. I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do at that point. She left, started her car, sat in it for about five minutes (I think she was waiting for me to run out to her) and then squealed her tires and sped away.

I was messed up for the entire day. I had a date with the new girl that night, and I was noticeably not myself. I probably should have canceled the date, but I didn't and she put up with me being weird. I had to reassure her that I was not normally like that.

The next day, I had to leave for an out-of-town business trip. It was an extremely busy trip, and I had virtually no time to think about me and my problems. When I was done for the day, I literally went back to my hotel room, crawled into bed, and went to sleep. The entire week had gone by and I suddenly realized that I didn't have any time to miss her, and at that point I was no longer missing her.

A lot of people here will tell you to keep busy. I find that it's difficult to be motivated to do things when your emotions are all fvcked up. However, when being busy is forced upon you, it's really easy. Perhaps getting some friends to drag your ass out to do stuff might help you get the kickstart you need to move on.

 

[Down Low]

Man, you did the right thing don't even look back. A lot of us been through the sh1t you're dismissing and it ain't pretty. Just tons of respect here.

 

[Colossus]

Huge props Killer.

It's true that the breakups where the only issues are personality differences are the hardest, I think. You just feel terrible. I know I did. She cried and cried and said she was still in love with me....told me to call her if I changed my mind. It was so heartbreaking. But I KNEW that if I caved into her sadness and stuck around I would only be doing it out of guilt, and that is never the right reason to stay with someone.

I had post-breakup doubts too, it's normal. You'll miss her a lot for quite a while. But each week that goes by puts it a little farther in the rear-view and you'll find it easier to look ahead. Just don't go out and fvck other girls right off the bat; I actually think that is terrible advice that is parroted often around here. It's good not to linger too long in solitude, but jumping immediately into new pvssy will just make you feel like the world's biggest as$hole.

 

[killerasp]

she came over today to pick up her stuff and she gave me a letter. in the letter, she made some good points that really hit home for me:

over time, she wasnt the priority anymore. my career was.
shes right. i put our relationship on the backseat. my career was #1. i didnt realize it at the time but i do now. but problem is, i wouldnt have changed it. I wish she was more vocal about it.


after dating all these years, i didnt give her the courtesy of talking about it. it was a one sided decision. i didnt give her a chance to change. she expected more from me than to just decide to break it off without give her a chance. she doesn't understand why.

shes right. i didnt. but should have i? my main issue with her was lack of communication. i could bring things up and she wouldnt say much, she wouldnt have much to add to it. BUT...on the day we broke up, she was more vocal than ever. Complete opposite of what i was used to. It only took something drastic like a breakup to really change that.

Now im completely unsure of my actions. Part of me said I should have talked to her and given her a chance. I feel like i really fuvked things up.

 

[disgustipated]

People slip back into old habits over time. They will and can change briefly but when they get comfortable again, they will slip right back to default personalities. This problem is her default mode, you will see her again.

I personally ended a 3 year relationship. She was probably a good 2 points below me on a rating scale, to make a point here. Moving into a house of our own, possibly talking about having a child...a decent life...all these things were at stake for her. I only asked she changed one thing and that was she became really disrepectful towards me when she got frustrated, something I don't tolerate. That's it. The rest I was willing to.comprise on, a HELL of a deal I was giving her. To.her credit she tried and things were okay for awhile but sure as **** she reverted back to her natural self. It's nature.

 

[sodbuster]

Well, I married the girl I tried to break up with because she cried. 2 kids,200k and $800/month in child support later... think I would have been better off following through the first time. Kids are the only thing I wouldn't give up.

Like I told my sons...women cry to win an argument

 

[Desdinova]

after dating all these years, i didnt give her the courtesy of talking about it. it was a one sided decision. i didnt give her a chance to change. she expected more from me than to just decide to break it off without give her a chance. she doesn't understand why.

You cannot come into the relationship with a mold, and expect the person to try and fit themselves into it. The person has already been molded with their values, their morals, and their personality. You need to find someone who has the personality that can compliment yours and even make up for the areas that you're weak in.

my main issue with her was lack of communication.

And that wouldn't have changed. Well, it could change for maybe a month or two after you bring it up, but she would end up falling right back into her same patterns and behavior. If you need a woman who communicates better, you'll have to find one rather than create one.

My biggest problem when I married was thinking that I could train the woman. You CAN train women to do things, but you cannot change the personality that they've grown into. For example, you *may* be able to teach her to leave a note when she's going out somewhere, but you still won't be able to get her to open up when something's bothering her.

Now im completely unsure of my actions. Part of me said I should have talked to her and given her a chance. I feel like i really fuvked things up.

There is no reason to bring up the problems that occurred in the relationship once it's finished. Once it's ended, it's time to let sleeping dogs lie. The problems should have been dealt with when they first occurred in the relationship, and even before any relationship had begun. If she had a problem communicating, perhaps she should have put in the effort to improve that part of her personality before entering a relationship with you.

If you were to return to this woman tomorrow to try and make it work, any improvement would just be like putting a band-aid on a broken leg. It makes it appear as if you're fixing the problem, but the problems will still be there once the band-aid gets old and falls off.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Killer, I'm sorry you are struggling man. Part of me wants to say, "look sometimes we have to be patient with people", I look at my parents marriage for example, neither of them are perfect, they definitely love each other but have been patient at times (both my mother and my father). My father is not some beta wuss but he isn't a cold-hearted person--I've rarely seen him turn his back on people. But at the same time--I know for a fact that if your gut is saying 'don't marry this woman', you have to absolutely listen to that. My father for example had 2 (two) women pressure him for marriage, stronger commitment, he bailed..if he hadn't I never would have been born and maybe one of this b!tches would have ruined his career. He's always told me trust your gut.

It's not easy. She wasn't a cruel person and didn't hurt you. But marrying her out of placation or lack of resistance or just staying with her 'because', isn't right to EITHER of you. In the long run it'll just cause more damage.

The other thing is, your career SHOULD be your focus. If you make HER your focus, if she was to leave, you've got nothing. Trust me on this one (coming from a guy who gave up a job to move to be with a woman once ago) -- there is no supplement to your own driven path. Even some day if you were with a woman who communicated great and you were passionate about it and it came down to your CAREER (your path) or HER -- you can't put your coins on her, ever! You being you is what'll keep a woman by your side.

It sounds like she didn't spend much time working on herself. Sounds like she doesn't really have a sense of herself, or any passions, or any focus at all really. Maybe she has been busy living for others (her boyfriend [urself] or her family?) -- in the long run that just leaves a person empty. This is the type of girl who just wants to be someones wife or something and be taken care of. She may never push herself towards her own self-identity. I could be reading too much into all of this but just some ideas.

 

[Slickster]

When you truly are with the right person it just works.

You don't have these issues you were experiencing.

Lose the nostalgia and let her go.

If you were meant to be then you wouldn't be here.

You will find something better.

 

[GotED?]

Lots of RESPECT!

Killer - this being my first post, your situation moved me to create an account after reading your endless embedded threads. I have much respect for you, and I will share with you why:

I was also recently involved in a similiar situation as you have been, just it was only 6 month. My ex-gf was very attractive, at least an 8 but over the period of 6 months, the 'grand facade' that every woman (and man) wears to be femine, perfect, attractive, wears off at best. We lived together as well, which makes it almost 10 times more painful to end the relationship. So perhaps on an emotionally invested scale, we are at about the same level since your girlfriend doesn't live with you.

Let me tell you what I have learned - it was so hard to tell her to leave; she pretty much blackmailed me in the beginning by moving to England from Germany to 'date' me but not telling me she had no other forms of financial income. Some of us men are more kind than others, more compassionate than others, and give more leadways than others. I tried to help her get her life in order, however, after 6 months (as another poster mentioned as the end to a relationship), she started to disrespect me and would argue with me unnecessarily just to 'win' or 'to be right'. I have no tolerance for masculine women, bossy women - and when the feminine mask wore off on her, I gave her a few chances to change her attitude (and it did for just a couple of days hahaha), but like others said, a woman's personality, values, and morals are conditioned for all their lives. Your little few years with her is not going to do much. The best predictor for a woman's true attitude, as I have personally learned, is the take a GOOD LOOK at her mother.... when I met my ex-gf mother, she was a fookin crazy argumentative lunatic - with our very first meeting! She was putting down the government (my government since I lived overseas) without any kind of courtesy or tact. I looked at my ex-gf after that meeting with her mother with huge wave of terror because I knew it would eventually surface after the honeymoon period of infatuation wored off, and IT DID.

So it is hard to break a relationship - you need to; I need to. Because you know why? We had to face our GREATEST fear - not because you miss her; because you are afraid of being alone, have to start all over, and if you can be love/to love again, or do as well. However, lots of poster have said this: when you have learned what you need to learn with another partner, then it is time to move on. These are the seasons of our lives as strong men who knows what we want and will not settle for....

With respect,

Exodus

 

[brian123]

It sounds like the right thing.

Kind of like having to go for a root canal. You know you are putting yourself through pain, but you are better off in the end.

Also, I'm sure she is a nice girl, but she definitely has her own issues she needs to deal with.

 

[BMX]

Cut her out NOW. Piss on her letter and flush it. She is attempting to take back control and leave the ball in her court. Then she'll go tell her mommy and daddy she's done with you and she "won" pshh. You ended the relationship because it was not a good fit. Remember that.

 

[Colossus]

Killer - this being my first post, your situation moved me to create an account after reading your endless embedded threads. I have much respect for you, and I will share with you why:

I was also recently involved in a similiar situation as you have been, just it was only 6 month. My ex-gf was very attractive, at least an 8 but over the period of 6 months, the 'grand facade' that every woman (and man) wears to be femine, perfect, attractive, wears off at best. We lived together as well, which makes it almost 10 times more painful to end the relationship. So perhaps on an emotionally invested scale, we are at about the same level since your girlfriend doesn't live with you.

Let me tell you what I have learned - it was so hard to tell her to leave; she pretty much blackmailed me in the beginning by moving to England from Germany to 'date' me but not telling me she had no other forms of financial income. Some of us men are more kind than others, more compassionate than others, and give more leadways than others. I tried to help her get her life in order, however, after 6 months (as another poster mentioned as the end to a relationship), she started to disrespect me and would argue with me unnecessarily just to 'win' or 'to be right'. I have no tolerance for masculine women, bossy women - and when the feminine mask wore off on her, I gave her a few chances to change her attitude (and it did for just a couple of days hahaha), but like others said, a woman's personality, values, and morals are conditioned for all their lives. Your little few years with her is not going to do much. The best predictor for a woman's true attitude, as I have personally learned, is the take a GOOD LOOK at her mother.... when I met my ex-gf mother, she was a fookin crazy argumentative lunatic - with our very first meeting! She was putting down the government (my government since I lived overseas) without any kind of courtesy or tact. I looked at my ex-gf after that meeting with her mother with huge wave of terror because I knew it would eventually surface after the honeymoon period of infatuation wored off, and IT DID.

So it is hard to break a relationship - you need to; I need to. Because you know why? We had to face our GREATEST fear - not because you miss her; because you are afraid of being alone, have to start all over, and if you can be love/to love again, or do as well. However, lots of poster have said this: when you have learned what you need to learn with another partner, then it is time to move on. These are the seasons of our lives as strong men who knows what we want and will not settle for....

With respect,

Exodus

Repped for this post.

Once a woman has reached her late twenties, she is who she is. She is not going to change, no matter how much we want her to. That's why if there is something intolerable about a woman to you, you should leave her. Don't waste any more of your precious life once you have seen her for the person she is and have learned what you needed to learn.

And the mother predictor I think is very true in most cases. I saw it with my recent ex-gf. Her mother was just freaking weird....my father said she was inbred haha!! But I saw so much of her mother in her, it was scary. On a gut level I knew if I stayed with her that was my future.

 

[GotED?]

Thanks Colossus, that was a nice tourniquet applied to the bleeding quadruple heart-bypass I had to go through ending the relationship with my ex-. It is almost re-affirming and re-assuring when you find other people in life who understands the little 'secrets' - in such case, the daughter like mother indicators. We sometimes really spend the rest of our lives undoing what our parents conditioned us to be.

With respect,

Exodus