Final stage of leaving it behind

[Ser_i]

I think I'm in the final stage of getting over my ex girl.. the one-itis.

I don't care anymore about what she does, where she is, or who she is with.

I broke up all contact with her 2 months ago.. (we broke up 5 months ago.. and I couldn't leave her alone the first 2) and the past 2 months my DJ skills have realy started to show off.

I've been reading a lot in those first 3 months.. and practicing in the field.. and it's these past 2 months that I'm on a roll. and I don't even have to pay attention to myself to do the right things.. I'm Just doing it.

the problem is the following, my ex has seen me with 3 different girls, and her friends have seen me with even more. SUPRISINGLY! I'm getting random people calling me on my mobile, or added on MSN all saying almost the same thing, leave her alone, you are hurting her, you are a jerk! you don't know how to be real man. I responded to all with the same thingie... look pall..girl sugarlips.. (depending on voice or name) I haven't talked to her in months, if she misses me she should go wear my t-shirts and the neckless I gave her a while back.. cause that's the closest she'll ever get to me. have a nice pathetic life .

now the thing is.. I WANT HER TO BE JEALOUS! and I mean realy jealous but I don't want her to ..maybe I do.. I want her to come after me now.. cause I'm way to good for her. now that I'm back in control of my feelings I want to see how she handle's this version of me.. the version she fell in love with before I became an AFC for a little while...

any tips on getting your ex jealous without doing to much ?

would showing up at her work with different girls on multiple occasions be a good idea ? she works at a pizzaria.. she's 18 I'm 21

 

[stevey_2000]

ok mate, i can't believe someone who told me to get my act together (AFC trying it on with my girl) is posting something like this,

mate, the only way to make her truly jealous is to get out there and MOVE ON!!, continue to be seen with HB's and just concentrate on making your life happier outside the dating scene!!,

i once had a one-itus ages ago but since then i have got a LTR with a hotter babe than she is, started playing loads of sports and work out more than i ever done before, she knows about my current predictament and wont even dare turn up at the pub i used to see her in with other dudes (this made me insanely jealous in my AFC days) so just get on with making yourself happier and stop concentrating on making girls who aren't worth your time jealous because i assure you the more happier you are, the more jealous she will get.

Ste.

 

[Ser_i]

lol

yeah I was thinking something along those lines, I'm not complaining about my life, work at a club, go to Uni, and I'm a breakdancer so health isn't the issue..


on a side note.. I understand why this can be so funny. but it just confirms what I think in general of everyone,

You allready know what to do but sometimes you need to get reminded to do it yourself.

that's why coming back to sosauve.com is important

thanx

 

[Downrock27]

Yeah man I hear you on that situation, my gf dumped me about 4 months ago and for the first month or two i couldnt leave her alone. Now I've cut off all contact and everything is much better, the less you see them the less you worry about them. Don't worry about making them jealous dude, as long as you're happy with the way your life is going you shouldn't need to worry if she's jealous or not. She's not a part of your life anymore, its all about you. On a side note, breakdancing kicks ass, I break too. How long you been doin it for?

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

Originally posted by Ser_i
I don't care anymore about what she does, where she is, or who she is with.

Would you care if she got gang banged and liked it?

Does the thought of sexual acts that she might be doing mess with you?

Serious questions!

M.A.C.

 

[prosemont]

Re: Re: Final stage of leaving it behind

Originally posted by Matt ala Casanova
Would you care if she got gang banged and liked it?

Does the thought of sexual acts that she might be doing mess with you?

Serious questions!

M.A.C.

I'm curious what *exactly* your point is here Matty boy.

Let's see, if these things bother him, then he really does care?
But, then what .... ? I'm curious where you're going with this.

Besides, he's already completely contradicted himself by posting in the first place and by then asking how to make her jealous, so obviously he's full of shiite about not caring.

My advice to this kid is to move on and to use a little self-discipline by getting some control over is emotions and REALLY not care about this girl.

THAT emotional discipline is one of the KEY DJ traits.

But, to answer his question ... anything he does is going to appear completely CONTRIVED and therefore he'll be a LOSER CHUMP.

 

[Starman]

I too think he still cares for her..his ego still a bit bruised and he wants to exact revenge on her

Part of letting go of a oneitus is the difficulty in accepting your damaged ego..the feeling of rejection when you gave it your all..especially confusing if/when she dumps you and starts trolling around with losers who arent 1/2 the man you are

really fvcks with your mind and puts your masculinity in defensive mode

but the question here is..how do you STOP caring?

I presume by "caring" we mean an emotional interest in someone else's life and the need to want to be part of that persons life..

 

[NewMan]

You don't stop caring - not initially.

We are human beings - and just can't swtich of caring about someone. It's in our nature - and it's probably what attracted her to him in the first place.


To tell him not to care is ridiculous. I don't deny that some people can just swtich off this feeling - but if you've been in love with someone - and I mean really in love with someone - then you will never stop caring for them.

The difference is, over time he will learn that you can care for soemone but not act on it. It's the process of moving on - of getting over her. It takes longer for some people than others.

You can care for someone - but it doesn't mean that your AFC or a loser. Now, if she calls up and he goes running off doing her bidding - thats another story. But he can care and be a DJ about it.

These are my thoughts anyways.

What it seems like he's doing now - he HURT. She's hurt his pride, his ego. He wants to get her back - wants her to feel the same pain he is/did feel. This is revenge.

It shows he's not over her for sure - But he needs to forget about revenge, getting back at her, and just move on and live his life - do the things that makes hium happy (like every other post regarding this topic) - anything he does to get back at her, will just prolong the pain.

 

[prosemont]

Originally posted by NewMan
You don't stop caring - not initially.

We are human beings - and just can't swtich of caring about someone. It's in our nature - and it's probably what attracted her to him in the first place.


To tell him not to care is ridiculous. I don't deny that some people can just swtich off this feeling - but if you've been in love with someone - and I mean really in love with someone - then you will never stop caring for them.

The difference is, over time he will learn that you can care for soemone but not act on it. It's the process of moving on - of getting over her. It takes longer for some people than others.

I respectfully disagree. I know where you are coming from but here is one thing to remember: Who controls your thoughts? YOU. Who can change your thoughts? YOU. Who can get rid of or suppress your thoughts? YOU.

To be sure, it takes discipline and sometimes just plain playing with YOUR OWN mind, but it can be done.

Let me give you the paradigmatic example: You know that whole adage about "not thinking about pink elephants?" And then of course, ALL you can think of is pink elephants, right?

Well, "caring" about so-and-so girl simply and practically means that you need to be thinking about her in the first place. Maybe the advice to "not care" is a misnomer. How about "don't think" about her? But, whatever terminology works for you ... to me, if I'm consistently not thinking about something, if it doesn't even enter my radar screen, then I personally am not affected by it. I personally would say that I "don't care" about it.

Getting back to pink elephants ... now, let's say that there you are, thinking about pink elephants when someone tells you that your sister Sue has just gotten into a terrible accident ... you'll probably stop thinking about pink elephants. Why? Because you control your mind. YOU switched your point of focus.

Now, you can do that VOLUNTARILY -- it just takes a little more PRACTICE and DISCIPLINE. There are many ways of getting to this result. If you've ever meditated, for example, you know that it is possible to clear your mind.

You can also play tricks with your mind using various techniques such as mentally degrading the girl in your mind or minimizing her and so on. I use a variety of techniques to do this.

Don't be surprised ... you do a similar thing after reading something motivational which leads you to believe, for instance, that you are "the prize."

It all comes down to self-control of your own mind and emotions and a huge dose of discipline. If you make it a HABIT of blocking her out of your mind, you WILL find that she will disappear completely.

 

[Starman]

" You can also play tricks with your mind using various techniques such as mentally degrading the girl in your mind or minimizing her and so on. I use a variety of techniques to do this. "

Prosemont,

what type of technique are you talking about..While I like your optimistic approach to being the master in command of your thoughts and emotions..

it becomes a bit more tricky to convince yourself..that you arent feeling a certain emotion.

Ive heard of cognitive/behavioral techniques for thought stopping , obsessive thinking, compulsions, and cognitive distortions when viewing reality..

I was just wondering if we are thinking aout the same thing..

 

[prosemont]

Originally posted by Starman
[Bwhat type of technique are you talking about..While I like your optimistic approach to being the master in command of your thoughts and emotions..

it becomes a bit more tricky to convince yourself..that you arent feeling a certain emotion.

Ive heard of cognitive/behavioral techniques for thought stopping , obsessive thinking, compulsions, and cognitive distortions when viewing reality..

I was just wondering if we are thinking aout the same thing.. [/B]

I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not quite sure about the labels you're using, but from what I've heard, it might be cognitive/behavioral techniques.

I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking that this is "easy" or to be overly optimistic about it. It takes discipline and effort. I also don't want anyone to think it is impossible, either. The first thing to do is to identify the issue and set to work at it. Most people don't even do that -- they naturally allow themselves to dwell or obsess about certain things. Once you realize that you are doing that and set about to stop it, you can at least begin.

We do this ALL the time in daily living. It is that mental discipline and focus that allows someone to run a mile in such and such time. It is that mental discipline which gets the student to read a chapter in his textbook rather than watching another dozen MTV videos. And so on. It is a matter of degree rather than a matter of kind.

On feeling a "certain emotion," I agree that it is tricky to preclude yourself from feeling THAT emotion. But, like everything, it is a matter of PERSPECTIVE and it is that perspective that can be toyed with and changed thus eliminating the corresponding "emotion" that goes with it.

 

[Ser_i]

Breaking now for 3 years and I love it! Kinda leaning more towards freestyle dancing... streetdance like... the latter is better to use in clubs and bars.

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would I care if she got gangbanged... hhmm it would only confirm my current thoughts about her, that she lost someone special and will never be able to get it back. and she knows it. so it wouldn't bother me in a negative way.

the last time the two of us tried to talk I ended the conversation with these words: you can go and do what ever you want, go from one guy to another it will not change the fact that you will never find someone to fill up that void in your soul that I left you with, the day I left you.

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I agree with you ladds... that I'm not totaly over her, I still think about her now and then.. and that will take time to get rid off.. and I know talking in this manner about her.. is not the thing to do. Cause I too have this feeling of man not another "help me get over my one itis" threads.

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what I do would like to point out is that I am no longer disturbed by her presence when I see her. and yes my ego has been bruised and that is why I want to make her feel sorry, I want to make her realise everytime again that she'll never find someone to replace me....

on the other side.. the thing that has crossed my mind is.. then what? what if she confronts me with that line? "I'm sorry bla bla bla bla.. there is no one like you"... I have absolutely no idea what to say, I even doubt I'll respond to her.

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on the issue of getting your mind to do what you want as in tricking it.. I believe in that.. if you keep saying to yourself I can do it! then you will do it eventualy. ( lousy example I know :S ) but that's the general concept I guess. it works for me.

 

[NewMan]

We are talking about CARING - bot forgetting about someone.

For sure, there are techniques that can be used to foget about someone - to get that someone out of your mind - but does it change the fact that you care about them... no.

Example - you use a technique to gorget about your ex.... that stops you thinking about her. Then a friedn calls, tells you she got into an accident. Do you just say "I don't care about her" - no, you CARE about her.

Not thinking about someone does not stop you caring. I for one do not know why you would want to stop thinking about an ex - the good times. It's part of who you are. For sure it will dwindle away over time, but don't subdue or hide the natural healing process. It as if your sweeping the dirt under the carpet.

 

[Ser_i]

I think forgetting someone is only possible if you no longer care for her.


if she would get into an accident.. well I would visit her very briefly leave a fruit basket but not talk with her. leave a message something like.

"get well soon, we still have to argue a few more times and look at each other as if WE are the ones to KILL EACH OTHER"

 

[NewMan]

then you were never really in love....

 

[prosemont]

Originally posted by NewMan
We are talking about CARING - bot forgetting about someone.

For sure, there are techniques that can be used to foget about someone - to get that someone out of your mind - but does it change the fact that you care about them... no.

Example - you use a technique to gorget about your ex.... that stops you thinking about her. Then a friedn calls, tells you she got into an accident. Do you just say "I don't care about her" - no, you CARE about her.

Not thinking about someone does not stop you caring. I for one do not know why you would want to stop thinking about an ex - the good times. It's part of who you are. For sure it will dwindle away over time, but don't subdue or hide the natural healing process. It as if your sweeping the dirt under the carpet.

I've addressed this whole issue about using the word "caring" specifically in my post to respond to this very issue that you pointed out. You're beating a deadhorse at this point on this issue.

Regarding "hiding the natural healing process" and "sweeping the dirt under the carpet" I would point out this: there are many many people on this board who, after a break-up or having "oneitis," continue to be obsessed if not catatonic for months or years, unable to have other relationships or to live their lives to their potential. That is a shame and a waste of their precious lives. It is much better to put these issues aside and to LIVE in the present than to obsess over the past.

Hey, you don't have to agree with me. Like anything on this site, take what works for you and discard the rest.

 

[prosemont]

Originally posted by Ser_i
I think forgetting someone is only possible if you no longer care for her.

I think it is the exact opposite. If your existence does not include her, then you are not caring at any given moment. Think of it this way: by definition, you can only have thoughts in the PRESENT. If your present thoughts do not include her, you are not caring about her at that present moment. Now, if all your "present moments" do not include her in your thoughts, you are not, by definition, caring about her. She does not exist to you.

When do you "care" are her: when you think about her. So, when someone calls you later and tell you she's been in an accident, at THAT present moment you are thinking about her and care about her. It is only at that present moment, however, by definition since you can only THINK in a never-ending series of "present moments."

Hey, I'm not trying to be callous here by telling you this nor am I debating what a grand human being one might or might not be for CONTINUALLY "caring" or "loving" someone. I'm just pointing out the reality of thought.

Get it?

 

[NewMan]

Perhaps we should agree to disagree....

I just don't think caring goes away. It maybe out of your thoughts - which is fine - but all I'm saying is that you will still care - it just been put away in the back of your mind.

I think the proces of moving on entails not thinking about your ex. But after you have moved on - you have the ability to look back - smile at the good times - and realise that you still care about her - there are just othr priorities in your life.

Hey - but it's horses for courses. Thats the way I look at it - no big deal - just food for thought.

 

[Ar7]

You guys are right, he is still not over her X.

Ser_i dude let it be, you don't need to prove shi.t to anyone man.

 

[Starman]

Here is a definition of "Caring"

"To be anxious or solicitous; to be concerned; to have regard
or interest; A burdensome sense of responsibility; trouble caused by
onerous duties; anxiety; concern; solicitude"

"{To care for}.
(a) To have under watchful attention; to take care of.
(b) To have regard or affection for; to like or love."



I guess the keyword here is "Interest" in somebody's life stemming from love

SO In essence..if you still like a person..or LOVE them..your interest in their welfare = caring

and its OK to care when its reciprocated (i.e. Newmans point)

but when its not reciprocated ..its time to stop caring for someone who only takes from you and doesnt return anything..and thus take measures to "stop caring/being interested in anothers life) - Prosemonts view