Final exams, or Falling interest?

[Phyzzle]

I'm a long time lurker on this board, and things like Sosuave and Doc Love have really fixed up my thought process about women. But here's my situation now: I'm 30 and I've found a great 23 yo gf, smart, hard-working, pretty, feminine, and and expert cook (Maybe this all has something to do with her NOT being an American

She has demonstrated massive interest level: always wanting to hold hands and initiate touching. SHE asked ME out on our first date, and for the next dozen as well! On the 3rd date, she asked me if she were a "fling" or gf material. Instead of "gf", I said I wasn't sure, and I needed to know her for 2 months to figure that out. Well, apparently this is the right thing to say! Challenge worked wonders.

She wanted to move in with mes when her lease was out, but I refused, since we've only known eachother 3 months. Basically, I'm being a challenge here, not a doormat.

But during the last week (final week at her school), she's been getting into fouler moods, complaining nonstop about the messiness of my apartment, or my inability to cook for myself (hey, I can afford restaurants & frozen dinners, so what?) I made no real move to change my habits (these aren't serious complaints, just nagging to vent her mood.) But after being with her Friday, she didn't contact me (she always initiates).

So, I asked her out for lunch today, and dam, she was in a snarling bad mood. Wouldn't make eye contact, wouldn't put her hands near me. OK, just having some rough exams, but when we leave, and I lean in to kiss her, as always upon leaving, she curls away, suddenly saying that her throat is getting a little sore and she doesn't want me to catch whatever she might have.

UH OH! It's been my experience that when women cringe away and scramble for excuses to not kiss you, the RELATIONSHIP IS ALWAYS OVER! Is this an iron rule, by your experience? Do moods this bad ever pass in your experience?

Should I
-Jump the gun, tell her we should break up, and see if that's what she wants? (or just gets her attention)
-Break contact and sarge other girls as if we're broken up?
-Ask her out after exams as if nothing is wrong. (She said she "might maybe be available sunday", ick)

Thanks,
~Phyzzle

 

[Burningblue]

This is falling interest, no doubt. Now is the time to be a man. My opinion, either walk away right now or let her know that will be the imminent result if her attitude does not improve. Don't let her begin to control you or your emotions. You are the prize. You don't need her. Believe it deep inside.

 

[So Many Ways]

-Break contact and sarge other girls as if we're broken up?

you got it

 

[MrCode]

How "serious" is the relationship? Do you consider her your GF now or are you still just dating?

If you consider her your GF I would ignore the behavior for now and see if her mood improves, then if it does not bring it up. Just don't let the discussion turn you into an AFC.

If you are just dating her, punish her by ignoring her for a week or two and dating other women. If she makes contact politely inform her that you do not appreciate her behavior and if she does not straighten out you consider your relationship over.

 

[red_headed_stepchild]

It's finals week? There's your answer. Do you remember what finals were like? Lay back and chill for a couple weeks. Don't talk to her so much. See what happens. Women overreact to things, not men.

 

[Marlimus]

smart, hard-working, pretty, feminine, and and expert cook (Maybe this all has something to do with her NOT being an American

Amen.

Anyway, she is witholding affection and approval in an attempt to gain some measure of control in the relationship. It is a grab for power. Do not try to talk to her about it. Do not reach out to her. Do not apologize for something you think you might have done. Break contact, meet other women, and let her sort out her own emotions.

 

[Vulpine]

Exams are a mutherfuxer. Stress is a motherfuxer. Women get all sorts of emotional about these, and watch, she'll get her period at the same time!


Try not to associate yourself with the negative to her.

Give her lots of space for a couple weeks and I'll be you she'll get back to initiating again. When she does, just act as though everything was fine and dandy.

 

[WestCoaster]

OK, exams are tough but nearly as tough as pressures of the real world like work, kids, family, etc. If she can't handle final exams -- where teachers can give you incompletes, withdrawls, make-up tests, etc. -- she won't be able to handle the stress of every day things in real life.

Pull back, date others, be seen by her dating others, and see what happens. She sounds solid, but not quite there yet.

Read Rollo Tomassi's iron clad rule of NOT letting a woman move in with you either. It's on this board somewhere.

 

[Latinoman]

I just want to point out one thing:

1- Messiness
2- Don't know how to cook

Hey...you should be CLEAN and you should know how to COOK. Not for her or any woman...but for yourself. Besides, a dirty appartment is a turn off for anyone. And knowing how to cook can work wonders in how to "romance" from time to time a woman.

A MAN should know some of those things. I learned how to cook when I was in my teenage years. I am an excellent cook now. Couple of my St. Valentines have been me cooking (lobster, etc.) to the women in my life.

 

[diplomatic_lies]

Hey man, dont put down college exams. If you get fired from a job you apply for another one...you fail an exam, you lose an entire YEAR of your life. I wasnt grumpy during exam time, but I was definitely different.

Anyway she should suddenly become happy the microsecond after her last exam. Only if she isnt, then somethings wrong.

 

[WestCoaster]

Look, I work at a university and I recently finished grad school, which was tough. But finals week for my master's paled in comparison when I was working in the newspaper business and I had 30 minutes to crank out a good sports story, accurate and without typos ... or my editor would be down my neck.

That happened on a DAILY basis for years and years, that's why I changed professions. There was no "incomplete" no "withdrawl" no "I was sick."

You either got it right or you were sent packing. Now THAT is pressure, I lived it for 15 years. Anyone who thinks finals week is even close to that or closing multi-million dollar deals like my best friend in Seattle is off their rocker.

If she can't handle finals week, she can't handle a relationship, kids, bills, and other pressures, plain and simple.

 

[Latinoman]

If she can't handle finals week, she can't handle a relationship, kids, bills, and other pressures, plain and simple.

I agree. At least, she won't be able to handle it NOW. Although, you can tell pretty early how that person would be under pressure.

Like you said...if you messed up a final exam...so what? The only one affected is you. And you simply recoup. But in the real world...OTHERS are also impacted (like ENRON and the retirement of the people that worked there for 30+ years).

 

[WestCoaster]

Also, complete B.S. on if you just get fired you go out and get another job. It's not that easy.

Most every university has a re-take policy on classes that you can replace the bad grade from the class by re-taking it. There are all kinds of appeals, re-takes, withdrawls, incompletes, etc., in college -- I know, I sign these forms all week long.

It's much tougher in the real world. Now some women stress wildy in finals week and are better outside that venue, but as I've said: the traits they're showing you now will only be magnified later. Most people don't have the inner strength to make changes in their personal life and/or character.

 

[Vulpine]

West, she's 23. Finals are one of those "character building" things in life that develops stress handling skills. Who knows what else is a factor or adding to her stress - family dramas, her period, her favorite Lost character died on the island...
if all that stuff happens at once - OMG!


WestCoaster, you and I both know how to cope with large amounts of stress, heck, HUGE amounts of stress. Some people just don't... especially women. Their emotions go apesh!tcrazy when there is a stress multiplier. Since you and I are guys, our logic and analytical nature keep us from freaking out as a woman may.

Follow?

So, my advice was: Don't add to her stress, remove yourself as a factor for a while. When the "sh!tstorm" blows over, she'll be fine.

You can't really say that her stress handling capabilities will worsen in time, she's young. She might become very level-headed with experience. People aren't just pre-determined to be able to cope with stress, that's a skill that's developed. Like I said, she's 23. She has some life to live before she fully develops those skills. What's more, some people live sheltered lives until later (than most) in life. So, they get those exposures/mature later than others.

 

[WestCoaster]

Agree Vulpine, best to remove himself for awhile. I remember an ol' AFC friend dating a gal in Vet school -- OK, Vet school is very tough -- but her excuse for not being nice, not visiting, having him do all the work, etc., was "school is tough." (She was a dog, not sure why he was so taken by her.)

Nevermind that this guy had a pretty stressful job with the state highway department.

Yeah, I'll cut a 23-year old some slack, but I'd take myself out of the equation, too.

Never move in with a 23-year old either -- limits one's options.

 

[Phyzzle]

All right, I guess I'm overreacting, but I just get Deja Vu:
Has a woman ever said to you, "Oh, I'm just so stressed from classwork, charity work, my job, etc., and when all these things go away, then you can touch me again." Yeah right!! This is often ******** for "you make me physically sick." So I was more worried about interest level than her ability to handle stress.

She is my actual, monogamous girlfried (by her request), so I guess I'll give her another chance, stick it out for a week and call her again like nothing's amiss.

DJ wisdom seems contradictory on misbehavior: when she disrespects you or cuts off the affection, you should "call her on her crap" right away, but you can't say "clean up your act or I'm out of here," because that would be a pointless Ultimatum! :crazy:
~Phyzzle

 

[Good_ol_boy]

Yup, It's the finals.

Hey West, got any student workers? Noticed that they don't show up for work during finals? Don't even call to say they won't be showing up? No? Well, that's how they are at the university I work at. The kids in university view finals as a world ending stresser, it won't be until later that they learn there are far worse stressers.

 

[grinder]

Ease back and cut her some slack, for a very short time. It is a definite red flag, however. And you are correct that the low interest level excuse of "Oh I'm just stressed from _______ " whatever can portend of bad things to come.

The whole idea of her asking you out, what, for the first 13 dates and showing "massive interest level" is a red flag too. Is she controlling, feels she owns you, need to own you, is insecure? Sounds like she has made you HER monagamous bf, not you choosing her, this is a big difference.

You are very lucky in that you have a definitive time period to wait and see what happens (the end of finals). If she does'nt snap out of it after that, then NEEEXXXXTTT!

 

[MrCode]

DJ wisdom seems contradictory on misbehavior: when she disrespects you or cuts off the affection, you should "call her on her crap" right away, but you can't say "clean up your act or I'm out of here," because that would be a pointless Ultimatum!

It is only a pointless ultimatum if you don't intend to follow through on it. In addition ultimatums are usually made from a position of weakness, which is not really the case here (unless you have given her a lot of power, which would be bad.)

 

[WestCoaster]

Yes, we do have student workers. We work around their schedule during finals week, and yes, they are stressed.

I'm wondering about those dozens of gals I see walk by my office who have boyfriends and keep them during and after finals week. Guess they're the keepers, right?