ImTheDoubleGreatest!
Master Don Juan
I know this isn't the usual type of help that is asked for on here and I would post this on the Anything Else category, but she still is a woman so I guess I'm putting it here.
My 'mother' has recently been very angry and annoying lately. She keeps on trying to start stuff with my dad and my siblings. And today, I blew up. A lot of stuff from when I was a little toddler has been building up. Yeah she was abusive to us but now that I am older she doesn't try to physically harm me, she is afraid to. She doesn't do the normal motherly things, hasn't ever really except maybe when me and my siblings were too young to know how to do anything. But today, I completely blew up and I still haven't gotten all of it out of my system. I probably never will unfortunately.
So I was trying to make myself some food because I was hungry. She comes in and asks me how I was doing, I say that I'm hungry. She doesn't like the response and says to just say 'fine' next time (I always ask her if she made any food, been doing that since I was 13 because she never really cooked much so this bothered her because she knows right away that she is in the wrong for not feeding her family). If she doesn't like the response, then why ask? The whole morning she was mad and nitpicking at every little thing, I tried blowing it off. My dad asked my mother if she kind help find a wife for my uncle (my dad's brother) because his wife died of breast cancer and he is extremely distraught. She rages and says "you know what, your brother is sick, he's just a fvcking PIG!!" and says that like 8 or 9 times. My dad asks her why she is so mad for and she gives some bullsh!t response; my dad leaves the house. She is giving attitude and being mean but I just want to eat so whatever. Our dog starts to bark and she yells at him to stop and I say it's because he just wants attention and to go outside. She somehow converts that into me beating our dog and starts to insult. I tell her "Stop. Why are you so mad for?" She says "I'm just mad just because. I don't know". Banter back and forth and I feel an evil vibe from her, she keeps on finding things to criticize and condescendingly insult. I start to get mad because of the crap this morning. "Stop! What the fvck is your problem?" to which she looks at me with an angry expression and says "I don't want to have to cook for you fvcking kids" and then i start to lose it and absolutely FREAK out. Honestly, it wasn't a lot stuff she said or did that bothered me, but the evil feeling she gave off reminded me of that feeling when I was a kid scrambling up the fvcking stairs to try and lock the door in our room or hiding underneath sofas or tables to get away from her. I wasn't able to defend myself back then, none of us were. But now we are so she doesn't try to do that anymore.
I freaked out bad. I told her "shut up you cvnt" probably 10 or so times, I spat on her, screamed at her, I told her that the only reason I didn't kill her was because she was my mother (this is true. With all the stuff she has done to me, my brother, my sisters, and my dad when we were little, there is no way you would let a person like that live. She just so happens to be our mother though so we won't), I kept screaming at her to shut up. She kept on patronizing me and mocking me the whole time, she didn't start to get really mad until I took her coffee cup (she loves coffee more than us, I cut her wire for the coffee maker a few weeks ago because I didn't want to hit her, I can't because she is my mother. She wished for me "to just die" and hoped that I "get shagged up the ass"). There is a lot of other stuff buried deep inside of me that I have trouble explaining. I just have lots of flashbacks and memories that I don't like and they almost all revolve around her, though some are from my dad. I'm wondering what is wrong with me, I think I am too emotional. My brother is stoic and rarely flips like I just did, my sisters don't freak out because they are still somewhat afraid of my mother since they are girls. My dad won't do anything to her because his parents got divorced when he was in 7th grade and it destroyed his life after so he does not want that to happen to us. Now my dad is going to come home and give me a lot of hell for everything that just happened. She was crying and trying to blame the victim. I think she wanted me to freak out like I did so that she would no longer be in the wrong. That way she can rationalize that what she did was justified and her ego wouldn't have to comprehend how badly she fvcked us up.
About a year ago it was with my dad that I had issues with and was fighting with a lot. He finally backed down though because he saw that me and my siblings were really angry with him and hated him so he looked at himself one of the few times in his life and admit that he did something wrong and fixed it. These past several weeks have been a storm with me and my mother though. This was the biggest argument I have ever had with her. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to cry right now and I hate it. My parents always make me cry but I know that men don't cry. **** me, I hate this. I wish I loved my mom and I wish she loved me too. But like you guys always say, that's just Disney fairytale ****.
My 'mother' has recently been very angry and annoying lately. She keeps on trying to start stuff with my dad and my siblings. And today, I blew up. A lot of stuff from when I was a little toddler has been building up. Yeah she was abusive to us but now that I am older she doesn't try to physically harm me, she is afraid to. She doesn't do the normal motherly things, hasn't ever really except maybe when me and my siblings were too young to know how to do anything. But today, I completely blew up and I still haven't gotten all of it out of my system. I probably never will unfortunately.
So I was trying to make myself some food because I was hungry. She comes in and asks me how I was doing, I say that I'm hungry. She doesn't like the response and says to just say 'fine' next time (I always ask her if she made any food, been doing that since I was 13 because she never really cooked much so this bothered her because she knows right away that she is in the wrong for not feeding her family). If she doesn't like the response, then why ask? The whole morning she was mad and nitpicking at every little thing, I tried blowing it off. My dad asked my mother if she kind help find a wife for my uncle (my dad's brother) because his wife died of breast cancer and he is extremely distraught. She rages and says "you know what, your brother is sick, he's just a fvcking PIG!!" and says that like 8 or 9 times. My dad asks her why she is so mad for and she gives some bullsh!t response; my dad leaves the house. She is giving attitude and being mean but I just want to eat so whatever. Our dog starts to bark and she yells at him to stop and I say it's because he just wants attention and to go outside. She somehow converts that into me beating our dog and starts to insult. I tell her "Stop. Why are you so mad for?" She says "I'm just mad just because. I don't know". Banter back and forth and I feel an evil vibe from her, she keeps on finding things to criticize and condescendingly insult. I start to get mad because of the crap this morning. "Stop! What the fvck is your problem?" to which she looks at me with an angry expression and says "I don't want to have to cook for you fvcking kids" and then i start to lose it and absolutely FREAK out. Honestly, it wasn't a lot stuff she said or did that bothered me, but the evil feeling she gave off reminded me of that feeling when I was a kid scrambling up the fvcking stairs to try and lock the door in our room or hiding underneath sofas or tables to get away from her. I wasn't able to defend myself back then, none of us were. But now we are so she doesn't try to do that anymore.
I freaked out bad. I told her "shut up you cvnt" probably 10 or so times, I spat on her, screamed at her, I told her that the only reason I didn't kill her was because she was my mother (this is true. With all the stuff she has done to me, my brother, my sisters, and my dad when we were little, there is no way you would let a person like that live. She just so happens to be our mother though so we won't), I kept screaming at her to shut up. She kept on patronizing me and mocking me the whole time, she didn't start to get really mad until I took her coffee cup (she loves coffee more than us, I cut her wire for the coffee maker a few weeks ago because I didn't want to hit her, I can't because she is my mother. She wished for me "to just die" and hoped that I "get shagged up the ass"). There is a lot of other stuff buried deep inside of me that I have trouble explaining. I just have lots of flashbacks and memories that I don't like and they almost all revolve around her, though some are from my dad. I'm wondering what is wrong with me, I think I am too emotional. My brother is stoic and rarely flips like I just did, my sisters don't freak out because they are still somewhat afraid of my mother since they are girls. My dad won't do anything to her because his parents got divorced when he was in 7th grade and it destroyed his life after so he does not want that to happen to us. Now my dad is going to come home and give me a lot of hell for everything that just happened. She was crying and trying to blame the victim. I think she wanted me to freak out like I did so that she would no longer be in the wrong. That way she can rationalize that what she did was justified and her ego wouldn't have to comprehend how badly she fvcked us up.
About a year ago it was with my dad that I had issues with and was fighting with a lot. He finally backed down though because he saw that me and my siblings were really angry with him and hated him so he looked at himself one of the few times in his life and admit that he did something wrong and fixed it. These past several weeks have been a storm with me and my mother though. This was the biggest argument I have ever had with her. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to cry right now and I hate it. My parents always make me cry but I know that men don't cry. **** me, I hate this. I wish I loved my mom and I wish she loved me too. But like you guys always say, that's just Disney fairytale ****.
