Field report: gal has disappeared

[Bonhomme]

OK, here's the situation. I've been going out with a gal for the last 3 or so weeks (I'll call her Kat to save keystrokes), and things have appeared to be going great, but all of a sudden she's disappeared. I don't expect any advice, but I want to post how this plays out and have it out here to help me stick to my guns. I'll give a fair amount of detail, so you have some background.

Actually this is partly a psychological play to clear my mind of thoughts of her, because I've become pretty fond of the gal. I'm annoyed that I'm thinking this much about it, but posting will help get it off my chest. Damn. I should know better. I have other prospects, and I'm prepared to move on, though I must admit I would be a bit bummed.

I've gone out a few times with Kat, with good chemistry, lots of affection and making out, but haven't gone beyond making out yet (which is a bit slow for me, but she's a bit insecure about her body, which I think she underestimates). We were very affectionate straight off, and things got a bit hot for her. I think she could sense I'm accustomed to things moving along faster, but I pulled back a bit, adjusted to her pace, and things were real cool again. She says she "can't figure me out," but can figure most people out very quickly.

We had a great date last Monday, and ended up at my place (but not in the bedroom), making out very passionately. She found my Myspace profile a couple days later, and requested I include her among my contacts, which I did without correspondence, because I'm not much of an emailer. And, except for one scheduling screwup she quickly apologized for, she's been as reliable as clockwork until today.

There was a concert Thursday I went to that she couldn't make it to. According to how we planned it Thursday afternoon, I checked for ticket availablility when I got to the venue (we were pretty sure it would sell out), and called her to see if she wanted me to pick up a ticket for her, since it still wan't sold out. She didn't answer, and I left a message, and went in. She called me during the show (I couldn't hear to phone), and left a message thanking me for my efforts, though she couldn't get out in time to make the show and to call her if I want. OK.

She and a mutual friend of ours (who I'll call Jill) went out of town (a few hours away) from about Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon, at which time Jill's band had a gig. Kat usually has Sundays and Mondays off.

I called Kat on Friday morning, wishing her a fun trip and mentioning that I'd probably be at Jill's gig on Sunday, and she didn't get back with me, which was no surprise since she might not have a national phone plan. Yesterday afternoon I caught Jill's gig, and neither of us made any mention of the Kat, though I did ask Jill how the trip was, of which Jill didn't say much. I also called Kat last evening, and left a brief message. Probably dumb, strategy-wise, but I just felt like calling. It was simply the best time there would be for me to talk, and I haven't been calling her often. Only for planning get-togethers, really.

She was always good about returning my calls before now. It could be as insignificant as her having other commitments today, and wanting to avoid calling me because she figures I'd expect to go out tonight and she wouldn't want to have to say "no."

So here's what I intend to do: I'm not calling her until she gets back in touch, and what I'll do from there will strictly depend upon the vibe I get when and if she does contact me. And I'll post the results.

This will be a good chance to observe this dynamic as it happens. I hate to have to play games, but if that's what works...

 

[DeathDealer]

Well, you left a message on Sunday and you haven't gotten a call by now.. something's up dude.

Usually when a girl "just disappears" that is IMHO a bad sign. You probably weren't noticing that her interest in you was waning off and she just decided that one day she was gonna knock it off. Don't feel bad dude, you got other prospects.

 

[Skweints]

It's tough to judge in situations like this... I had a similar situation. It wasn't more than one date or anything, but I had a great night with her, tried to set up another date (but battling the language barrier) it never happened. Then she e-mailed me, asked me what I was up to, but I had been out with my friends. E-mailed her the next day, never got a response back... it's been almost 3 weeks now. Something may have happened, maybe she got back with her ex-boyfriend... whatever.

You've got the right idea, though. Best thing to do is just forget about it. Maybe after a week or two, her curiousity will get the best of her, and she'll ask what you've been up to. Give her a couple days before you respond, to build the tention back up, and go from there. Otherwise, don't make any attempts to get in touch with her until she attemps to get in touch with you.

Definitely keep updating, though, I'd like to see where you end up.

 

[Bonhomme]

Yeah, looks like time to move on

Yeah, I've pretty much "nexted" her in my mind. Regardless of her reason or excuse, I can't be bothered to date anyone who doesn't communicate. Even if it's some ridiculous sh1t test. She has my home and mobile phone #s, so there's no excuse for her not to call, unless something really bad that she doesn't want to talk about has happened to her.

Also, the fact our friend, who had asked me how things were going with her before, had nothing to say does not bode well.

It appeared her interest level waned about 2 weeks ago, then picked up again... then just disappeared ... apparently. Mind reading is not my strong suit.

Perhaps she hooked up with someone on her trip ... maybe someone she already was hot for. Who knows?

On to the others...

Still, it will be interesting to see how it plays out.

If she desn't contact me for 2 weeks, I probably won't respond at all.

EDIT: In fact, I probably won't pick up the phone or respond if she doesn't contact me by the weekend.

 

[Bonhomme]

Giving it a re-think

Royal Elite made a real good post in a thread about flakiness I quote below that has me re-thinking the situation (my edits in italics):

... flakiness doesnt come from low interest. Most of you cats here forget about that other element called "fear". Just look at this board, and see how "scared", and "cowardly", the guys here act when it comes to women and you are suppose to be the protecters. Now if Men act like when it comes to dating what do you think is going through a woman's head.

Never let time go pass to address the situation, that is a sign of fear. You always let them know they did something wrong ASAP. Your problem is you think verbal chistisment means you have to lose control and fly off the handle. No, you can smile tell her "no problem, but dont let this keep happen. My time is important." Then you move on. The thing is not to harp on it, but you always say something.

Always remember this one big rule-"other people dont know what is going on in your head". So you not speaking for a week but never addressing why she can come up with any of a million reason why. You let her know why and then as a punishment dont see her for a week.

Good thought. The "passive-aggressive" approach tends to come off as weak in a context in which one obviously shouldn't be indifferent. It's still within a reasonable amount of time for her to call back, so I'm not doing anything yet.

Good point, Royal Elite. Mulling it over...

 

[DeathDealer]

True dude. If a girl acts in a certain way I don't like, you have to fight back. It gives you a backspine and that is attractive overall. But this is easier said than done cause there needs to balance of power between the both of you.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

She's giving signs of low-interest level, if it keeps up much longer you know what to do - Next.

 

[Bonhomme]

Don't A-S-S-U-M-E

It's still within a reasonable amount of time for her to call back, so I'm not doing anything yet.

Well, that was certainly a good call.

She called just a bit ago "just so you don't think I'm blowing you off," as she said. We had a pleasant, amusing little chat. She said she had a fun trip, but was really beat, and basically hibernated through yesterday.

Lesson learned: I've been a bit over-conditioned by the prevailing philosophy of this forum that giving a gal more attention is likely to drive her away. The only reason I was concerned at all was because she hadn't called back as promptly as usual after I had gone out of my way for her a bit and showed her more attention. As if that made me an instant AFC (chuckling).

There was really nothing amiss. She was just caught up in other things, and yes, probably didn't want to have to tell me she didn't want to go out last night, as I'd originally hypothesized. It would have been absurdly incongruent of her to have such a drastic change of heart and change of behavior without good reason. I just gotta get used to going out with a very busy gal who's still managed to get together with me twice or more per week when she's in town.

Past lesson verified: act cool about things, and don't assume anything. Keep open to all possibilities, including mere complacency. Even if things don't look right, play it cool and give it a bit of time to work out naturally.

 

[Don_Joffe]

Confidence Persistance.
The key to women, the key to being surrounded by women, the key to being the envy of all your friends, and the key to being a Don Juan... is Confident Persistence.

Confident Persistence (CP) consists of deciding what you want, and going for it... and doing it with a smile, despite the numerous obstacles which you will most likely encounter along the way.

Obstacles could, for example, include things like: she doesn't return your call, she breaks or reschedules the date, she doesn't flirt with you or laugh at your jokes, she's hard to talk to, she seems interested in someone else, and, in general, she doesn't put herself out or go out of the way to convey that she's interested in you.

In other words, the obstacles are simply how a girl would act who is not HIGHLY INTERESTED in you.
Now there are basically 2 ways to deal with the situation where you're interested in a girl, but she's not all that crazy about you.


1) You can give up, move on, NEXT HER! And look for someone who is more interested in you.

This is a popular strategy among men who are beginning to learn the "game." It's the easy and safe way of dealing with women. And it's what many guys learn to do as they get older, and begin realizing how much time they have wasted pursuing women who weren't interested in them.

Of course, the bad thing about NEXTing a girl is that you DON'T GET THE GIRL.

And the most common mistake that guys make when employing this strategy is NEXTing a woman too soon. They flirt with a woman, and she doesn't flirt back - NEXT. They leave a message on her machine, and she doesn't call back - NEXT. They plan a date but she calls at the last minute to cancel - NEXT.

In short, they NEXT any woman who doesn't display IMMEDIATE HIGH INTEREST.

What's wrong with this you say?

Well the MISTAKE here is that you're filtering women based simply upon their INITIAL level of interest in you. You're filtering women based upon whether they are IMMEDIATELY attracted to you or not.

This is a WEAK strategy and not one employed by a true Don Juan. It reeks of low confidence, a fragile ego, and fear.

And it's also a BAD strategy.

It's bad because you're expecting a woman that you just met, that you may have only talked to for 3 or 4 minutes, or less, to display signs of high interest. You're expecting some woman that you hardly know, and who hardly knows you, to get excited at the prospect of spending time with you.

Expecting immediate high interest is UNREALISTIC!

Now, of course, it's possible that this will happen, that she will immediately be overwhelmingly attracted to you... maybe because you are just her type physically, you remind her of someone she used to be crazy about (maybe Uncle Steve), she's incredibly desperate at the moment, or you were really on top of your game when you approached her and managed to blow her completely out of the water.

All these things are possible, but you shouldn't rely on them.

You see, when your strategy involves sorting women based upon initial interest levels, you're placing your entire future into the hands of fate. If she is immediately attracted to you -- great! If not -- NEXT!

Being a Don Juan is not about sorting women and NEXTing women. Anyone can sort women based upon their initial attraction levels. That doesn't take any skill. All that takes is not having a fear of rejection and approaching lots of women... until you happen to luck out and find one who, for some strange unknown reason, is immediately attracted to you.

Being a Don Juan is about getting the women you want. And it's about taking a woman who has low to moderate interest and, by following a few simple principles, converting that into high interest and, hopefully, an overwhelming desire to see you naked.


Or 2) You can PURSUE her.

Now the "pursuing" is where it gets tricky and complicated.

You can pursue her in such a way that you come across as being DESPERATE, like most of your fellow Non Juans do, like most guys in this world do. Or you can pursue in such a way that you appear CONFIDENT, STRONG, CHARISMATIC... like a Don Juan does.

 

[t00dumb]

confidence persistence, gotta love it

 

[Bonhomme]

Update: IL not high enough

She's got some other things going on this weekend.

Her IL is definitely not high enough to be worthy of my company. There's a music festival this weekend (which she won't make, of course), so there's lots of socializing to do and women to meet.

Time to play the field some more and give her the gift of missing me, as David DeAngelo so neatly puts it. I'll leave it up to her to call me.

 

[optimist prime]

Dude, she's just not that into you.........

Put her on the back burner, don't call or email her anymore. IF, and I say if, she calls wanting to get together, do so but play very ****y funny and act like you could take her or leave her.

That is your only shot with her, though I dont think you are missing much.

Good luck.