Field Report: Failed date

[thehunterwright]

So if you would help me understand where I went wrong it would be appreciated. It started off good and seemed to end in a bust, this is not how it's supposed to be. And before we got too far, yes, I now know that a bar was a terrible ****ing idea.




So I know M (33yo) from the gym, we occasionally overlap during a couple of the group fitness classes, we've been flirting since she started coming back, a month or two ago; a tall red head with a pretty amazing body, small breasts, gorgeous eyes who's a bartender and also getting her graduate degree; way out of my league.

It was originally schedualed for Saturday night but when I texted to solidify the plans she informed me that she forgot her sisters birthday and was going home Saturday. However she offered up Friday, but didn't finalize on any time or place. So later that night I messaged her asking if she likes bowling
bowling, she said yes, she's not very good, I made a quip and got silence. In the morning I had what I thought was a brilliant brainstorm, a picnic in the living room. I sent her a text asking if she wanted to have a carpet picnic, wine, food, conversation. A mistake, her response was "That sounds to complicated for me". I played it off and repsonded my telling her to suggest a place and time. Later on she was wishy washy, she doesn't care, so I said some bar 8PM. I should have stuck with bowling.

Just as I finished getting ready I notice a text saying she's bored and that she's going to head down to the bar early. So I quickly put on the finishing touches, probably the best I've looked going on, ever, freshly shaven. So I get there, 7:15ish and look around for her, nothing. I'm worried now that she's at the other Fieldhouse, closer to where we both live but I'm not comfortable there. Text. Response, she's almost there. I really didn't want to get there before her in this case.

So she comes in, sits next to me at the bar and we start talking. There are
a couple of guys next to us fiddling with a broken iTouch music machine, I'm giving them a little ****, trying to show how social I am. So we're talking and having a good time, drinking. Everything's going good, still giving **** to the guys and their music, all in fun. So she tells me about her birthday gift, a gun. She's talking about it and showing me pictures of this gun. More talking. Now one of the guys comes over and starts talking to me (and I know exactly what he's doing, going right through me). So nows he's introduced himself to
us and I mention something about buying us drinks. So he heads back and sits
with his friends, kitty corner to us. Back to talking, and it's about every 15 minutes he comes over, and interrupts. I'm starting to get annoyed but I'm not going to show that.

So while we're talking I'm noticing a few things. While we're talking I'm getting a pretty good vibe from her, eye contact, leaning in, playing with her hair, and pulling her hair back and to the other side of her head, clearly showing me her neck. However I'm also noticing that once the topic is dead, there's an awkward silence, she's sitting at the bar, not leaned into me, arms crossed in front of her.

Jake, the douchebag, comes over, sits buy me and leans over and asks us, how long have we known each other, and neither one of us is quick on the reply, and he ask what are we, friends, dating, married? And I'm still thinking of the last question and I stumble, letting her chime in with "friends". Little bit later, guy comes over with a shot of Patron that one of us has to do. He sets it down in front of us, she points at me and I take the shot.

It was at this point I discussed checking out another bar and I suggest closing out. We get the bill, payup, she throws down enough to cover her drinks even though she just saw me pay for it in full. We head out and I make a point of finding Jake and thanking him for the drinks he bought. She heads up and hugs him and i hear him kissing her cheek. So we head out and towards the other bar which just happens to be the same direction as her car. Halfway to her car, she asks me where I'm parked and I point back to the bar. I'm like aren't we going to the bar? She says no, she's gonna head home to her parents tomorrow and wants to be at the 8am gym class (both
of this she mentioned earlier in the evening). I can see her car I'm tell her I'm walking her to her car. We get there, it wasn't far. I'm not getting any sort
of vibe and frankly feel like crap for being "friended", I stayed at the front of the car while she went and got in. "See you at the gym if I make it" was the last thing she said. There was no we should do this again, or I had a great evening. I did not go to the gym the next morning. Possible I'll see her in lass tomorrow evening but not counting on it.




I really appreciate your help in this, it's driving me crazy.

 

[disgustipated]

I don't know where you lost it, or if it was ever yours to ever lose. I don't do well in bars, I avoid them as its not my strong suit. I actually do very well on action dates, especially bowling. Jake seemed to have bar game down...he outshined you and I would just assume the possibility of her circling back after you left and talking or ****ing with Jake. Treat her as such for now on.

On my last bowling date we went to a bar afterwards and these two guys start talking to me and my date. I knew what was up. As I thought they bought us both drinks and one tried singling out my girl to talk to her...I just laughed and after awhile hit the restroom without telling her....she noticed though. When I got back the guys were gone and my date spilled the beans on his pick up. The difference is I was confident in her huge interest in me before I took.her into the hornets nest....I had already kissed her and
was getting crazy iois.

If you ain't got her on lock and your bar game is weak, don't play to your weaknesses by going there.

Anyway, good honest report.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Hunter, ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Disgustipated has it right....Pretty smooth work there Mate...
Trying to chat up intelligent Bar Maids is a waste of time,they are constantly being hit on,probably why they stay in such distasteful employment,so they are flawed to start with,and it just gets worse...They get an inflated idea of their Dating Worth...You are bottom feeding to go into Bar Rooms,with Romantic expectations...In the early stages of a Romance,it is folly to go near any but the most sophisticated Bars,in Hotels and NightClubs...Find some better outlet,easier to get lucky,in your Walmart Queue!

 

[The Gambler]

thehunterwright, I think you did very well....

It kinda seems like she has low interest -- even though you see some mixed positive signals there, and I think she really enjoyed your company. Is it because she's conservative and cautious? Maybe. Is it because she doesn't like you? I don't think so, unless you really did something to blow it. Is it because she has other things going on in her life that you don't know about? Very possible.

We can play guessing games all day, but at this early stage that's all they are.... guesses.

Play it cool the next time you see her. Give her a couple of leading questions or statements to allow HER to do most of the talking. Listen to what she says and watch her body language -- hopefully she'll hint at what your next move should be.

If you get the impression that this isn't going to go anywhere, that's fine. You definitely have nothing to be ashamed of.

The Gambler

 

[zekko]

If she's a redhead and a bartender, she's probably an attention wh0re.

I don't like the carpet picnic with wine idea for a first outing together. Too much of a romantic vibe, puts pressure on her, and makes things awkward. You probably lost a few points with her for proposing it. She was right to shoot it down.

You also put her on a pedestal by saying she's way out of your league. That's not the kind of frame/mindset you should be coming from.

She's a skanky bartender (college or not). The question should be if she's good enough for you - sounds like she's not. Probably just good for sex, if that.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I'd say this was just a "test date" in her eyes.
Sounds like she was mildly interested at best and she thought she'd go out with you to see if you could raise her interest level. I don't think you succeeded but we've all been there! Lol

So, now you have to try to regain your confidence. Don't acknowledge the bad date next time you see her unless she brings it up, and even then just laugh it off.
Try to be funny and super confident - like the sh1ttyness of that night is but a distant memory.
Get her laughing about some random shyt and then leave. If you feel she's receptive, wait a while and then confidently hit her up for bowling.
Don't dwell on this, show her you're unaffected and give it one more go.
I could be wrong but this definitely sounds salvageable to me.

 

[The Duke]

I'd say this girl's interest level isn't high enough and wasn't from the start.

Lets just say you pulled off the perfect date and sent her home all giddy. In a couple of weeks her emotional high would have subsided and you'd be in the same boat you are in now. She just saved you some time!

You really didn't do anything wrong except throw out the picnic idea. Its a neat idea, just not for a first date.

She's probably got some other guy(s) she's more interested in. It doesn't have anything to do with you. Its her. Nothing personal.

I don't know how many girls you are running or what you are looking for, but I reached the point with women that unless they were totally into me from the start and could be puddy in my hands, then I didn't invest in them. A woman you have to hypergame isn't worth your time.

I imagine this one would have required large amounts of game to get anywhere. Been there learned that the hard way.

 

[scrouds]

So if you would help me understand where I went wrong it would be appreciated. It started off good and seemed to end in a bust, this is not how it's supposed to be. And before we got too far, yes, I now know that a bar was a terrible ****ing idea.




So I know M (33yo) from the gym, we occasionally overlap during a couple of the group fitness classes, we've been flirting since she started coming back, a month or two ago; a tall red head with a pretty amazing body, small breasts, gorgeous eyes who's a bartender and also getting her graduate degree; way out of my league.Settling yourself up for pedestal worship.

It was originally schedualed for Saturday night but when I texted to solidify the plans she informed me that she forgot her sisters birthday and was going home Saturday.Typical flaky stuff. However she offered up Friday, but didn't finalize on any time or place. Good sign, shes interested enough to throw bait for another meetup tiime. Still game on. So later that night I know this may not sound right, but you did get rejected. You shouldn't go along with her gameplans without putting up a defense. If a woman flakes and suggests another time, I'm busy, no matter what I'm doing, I'll be busy. I refuse to give up the frame. I messaged her asking if she likes bowling why would you ask her what she likes? If you want to go bowling, invite her out.bowling, she said yes, she's not very good, I made a quip and got silence.a quip? I wonder if you had that calibrated right? Either way not a big deal. In the morning I had what I thought was a brilliant brainstorm, a picnic in the living room. I like! I sent her a text asking if she wanted to have a carpet picnic, wine, food, conversation. STOP WITH THE ASKING. iTS A GREAT IDEA, INVITE HER TO DO IT! A mistake, her response was "That sounds to complicated for me". I played it off and repsonded my telling her to suggest a place and time.By this point she has you spun on her finger, you've lost pretty much all contol and she's driving. You're screwed, I should stop reading here. Later on she was wishy washy, she doesn't care, so I said some bar 8PM. I should have stuck with bowling.

Just as I finished getting ready I notice a text saying she's bored and that she's going to head down to the bar early. So I quickly put on the finishing touches, probably the best I've looked going on, ever, freshly shaven. So I get there, 7:15ish and look around for her, nothing. I'm worried now that she's at the other Fieldhouse, closer to where we both live but I'm not comfortable there. Text. Response, she's almost there. I really didn't want to get there before her in this case.don't you have other stuff to do? She says she's going early, she can wait for you.

So she comes in, sits next to me at the bar and we start talking. There are
a couple of guys next to us fiddling with a broken iTouch music machine, I'm giving them a little ****, trying to show how social I am.If you have to prove you're social you're doing it wrong. So we're talking and having a good time, drinking. Everything's going good, still giving **** to the guys and their music, all in fun. So she tells me about her birthday gift, a gun. She's talking about it and showing me pictures of this gun. More talking. Now one of the guys comes over and starts talking to me (and I know exactly what he's doing, going right through me). So nows he's introduced himself to
us and I mention something about buying us drinks. So he heads back and sits
with his friends, kitty corner to us. Back to talking, and it's about every 15 minutes he comes over, and interrupts. I'm starting to get annoyed but I'm not going to show that. Getting annoyed with a venue? Happens to me all the time. Time to bounce out somewhere new, just you and the girl, of course. Don't be afraid to take charge, lead, direct, and tell the woman what's going down. Feel free also to say something along the lines of "that guy wants in your pants.

So while we're talking I'm noticing a few things. While we're talking I'm getting a pretty good vibe from her, eye contact, leaning in, playing with her hair, and pulling her hair back and to the other side of her head, clearly showing me her neck. However I'm also noticing that once the topic is dead, there's an awkward silence, she's sitting at the bar, not leaned into me, arms crossed in front of her.
I used to live for IOIs. Now I just be who I am, or who I want to be at the time. What you're doing is seeking her approval, and when the conversation lulls, you're subcosiously telegraphing a bad vibe and making it all awkard.

Jake, the douchebag, comes over, sits buy me and leans over and asks us, how long have we known each other, and neither one of us is quick on the reply, and he ask what are we, friends, dating, married? And I'm still thinking of the last question and I stumble, letting her chime in with "friends".oh man, had a chance to be bold and you let her answer. BE BOLD. Little bit later, guy comes over with a shot of Patron that one of us has to do. He sets it down in front of us, she points at me and I take the shot.good boys do what they're told. Even patron shots.

It was at this point I discussed lol, discussed. Take charge my friend. checking out another bar and I suggest closing out. We get the bill, payup, she throws down enough to cover her drinks even though she just saw me pay for it in full. We head out and I make a point of finding Jake and thanking him for the drinks he bought. She heads up and hugs him and i hear him kissing her cheek. So we head out and towards the other bar which just happens to be the same direction as her car. Halfway to her car, she asks me where I'm parked and I point back to the bar. I'm like aren't we going to the bar? She says no, she's gonna head home to her parents tomorrow and wants to be at the 8am gym class (both
of this she mentioned earlier in the evening). I can see her car I'm tell her I'm walking her to her car. We get there, it wasn't far. I'm not getting any sort
of vibe and frankly feel like crap for being "friended", I stayed at the front of the car while she went and got in. "See you at the gym if I make it" was the last thing she said. There was no we should do this again, or I had a great evening. I did not go to the gym the next morning. Possible I'll see her in lass tomorrow evening but not counting on it.




I really appreciate your help in this, it's driving me crazy.

Life is filled with learning experiences. This failed. Write her off, learn from it and try again with the next broad.

Bolded are my comments, italics are your words I would like to stress.

 

[scrouds]

Ok I just read everyone else's comments. Do you guys really think he did well? There's a complete undercurrent of lack of male strength and deferring to her for every decision and yielding that just isn't a turn on for women, especially hot bartenders.

The mechanics leading to the date were horrible, you can see from that alone it was going to end bad. The OP has some serious inner game things to work on. He needs to embrace leadership and strength and project decisiveness. That's the #1 thing he needs to realize, learn and internalize.

 

[The Duke]

Ok I just read everyone else's comments. Do you guys really think he did well? There's a complete undercurrent of lack of male strength and deferring to her for every decision and yielding that just isn't a turn on for women, especially hot bartenders.

The mechanics leading to the date were horrible, you can see from that alone it was going to end bad. The OP has some serious inner game things to work on. He needs to embrace leadership and strength and project decisiveness. That's the #1 thing he needs to realize, learn and internalize.

You are correct, there are definitely some things he could do better, didn't sound like it was horrible so I didn't elaborate. Somebody should probably elaborate.

 

[flashpoint]

scrouds has it right, a to z not really a winner here. and zekko already has said it, OP put her on a pedestal right from the beginning. you might not say it, but she will feel it. you were weak here because you choose to. even the other guys in the bar could smell it and that is why this one douche hit on your girl. if you are DA MAN that never ever happens. (and if it still does you give him the gay routine and he ll be gone.)

anyways, the important thing is she gave you a chance to prove yourself. so she isnt out of your league in reality, at least she didnt think so, right? now you kind of blew it, not assertive enough, not cool enough, not challenge enough. but it is a start. for other girls of course, this one is done and gone.

next time you see her, be a little distant, dont smile much and stuff. you know not in passive-aggressive way but letting her know that you are not cool with how things went and that you already have made your decision to not further pursue this. acting from a place of strength.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Ok I just read everyone else's comments. Do you guys really think he did well? There's a complete undercurrent of lack of male strength and deferring to her for every decision and yielding that just isn't a turn on for women, especially hot bartenders.

The mechanics leading to the date were horrible, you can see from that alone it was going to end bad. The OP has some serious inner game things to work on. He needs to embrace leadership and strength and project decisiveness. That's the #1 thing he needs to realize, learn and internalize.

I was thinking the same thing as you and Samspade.

This was doomed right from the start when the OP gave the frame completely away and let her lead.

This is def not salvageable IMHO and I think you should learn from your mistakes and start to develop more self confidence.

Inner game is everything, if you don't have it; you will lose every time.

This girl works as a bartender. She has an inflated ego simply because her job tells her to flirt and wear tight @ss clothing for more tips. She likely thinks she's way hotter than she actually is...

You need to run the table on these types; take charge, be witty with a be of ****iness.

If you don't understand where you went wrong, I suggest reading the DJ Bible.









PIMP

 

[thehunterwright]

I finally had a chance to read through your replies. I'm so glad I wrote this up because reading through your replies really helped to point out a lot of issues I missed when I was analyzing it. At this point I'm thinking the only thing I did right was clear her from my phone.

One small, but useless point, it was the 2nd date, we had been out the previous Friday and it had seemed to go really well. Irrelevant.

I've learned a lot from this. When I was looking at it I completely some of the more key issues. So long term, I have to focus on my inner game and learning to basically act like a man, that's what I get for being the only male around. I did put her on a pedestal, FATAL. I also thought about it and I'll admit daydreamed about my version of her which setup expectations and anticipation. I was actually wondering why I felt so much pressure over, well a hot piece of ass and why today I got a date with a stranger. There was no nervousness, no fear. It just happened and felt almost natural. Mini field-report follows (Better than my usual luck).

Last week I was out on a walk downtown as I came across a cougar, it was almost picturesque in an alcohol-aged Marilyn Monroe fashion smoking a cigarette (yea, I don't give a **** when my ****s concerned). The wind was blowing her long blond hair into a frazzled mess as she tried somewhat clumsily to keep her skirt down. I stopped and we started talking. Name exchange, What's your name: J, hi J, I'm B. Idle talk, legal secretary, first day, blah blah, I'm sensing it's been a couple of minutes gotta move on before this becomes awkward. Ask for her number. "I'm living with a man and I don't think he'd like this." Never heard that one before. I actually don't give a **** so "Okay, it was a pleasure meeting you", "beautiful green eyes", she glowed, "give me a hug", eh WTF. Well she's very soft. I walked away, no looking back.

Today I'm out for a similar walk and rounded a corner and there she was. Less picturesque but more attractive in general, a sober day maybe. Hey, how you doing, you're J right, yea, I forgot your name, B. Useless conversation, I'm gauging the time on her cigarette and the ashes are falling. "So I still wanna buy you a drink", I get the exact same line, "I'm living with a man and I don't think he'd like that." I actually said, "I don't care, I wanna have a drink with you." Well, she looks around, thinks, points at the bar across the street. "just not tonight", "Okay so when", "Tomorrow, after work, 5". That's it, goodbye see you later.

Now I'm guessing there is a fairly good chance she'll flake out on me, but ****, I'll sit at the bar and have a drink, then hit the gym as usual.

Suggestions?

 

[disgustipated]

Now that was money. The whole, I don't care bit.

 

[user43770]

OP - next time an interloper attempts to hijack your date, be cool and confident. Ask him this question, in a positive tone:

"Hey dude, do you have a girlfriend?"

There is no right answer he can give. If he says yes, then say "oh cool, is she here? Bring her over." Or "Where is she?" This will make him look like a cad.

If he says anything BUT yes, then hit him with, "Well I'm surprised; you seem like a super nice guy. I work with a really cute girl I bet you'd like. I'll bring her here some time and introduce you. She loves tall guys/ripped guys/rocker guys/whatever he is."

This is great.

Now that was money. The whole, I don't care bit.

Yes it was.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Suggestions?

Don't waste your time on women who are living with their boyfriends. Much trouble can ensue.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

thehunter -- I think if this girl was really into you from day #1 she would have been down with the carpet picnic. I know for some that may be too cheesy, but I think a lot of girls would really like this idea -- it was "sweet" of you, and her wanting to divert things to some sh1tty bar just shows her class right there. She's a bartender working on her 'graduate' degree--I can venture a bit here that she probably has a pretty strong ego, and if she's mildly attractive, being a bartender, I'm sure she gets hit on a lot. This chick might be a skank man...aka...wh0re. I have yet to find a "solid woman" as a bartender...most of them definitely enjoy the attention...and any girl getting her graduate degree has a sense of elitism...she's off to bigger and better things...at least that's what they THINK -- given this economy half of them will be making the same or less money (but this is another subject entirely).

Don't hate on yourself for this date -- you didn't do anything wrong -- in fact her allowing some guy to peck a smootch on her cheek shows how low-class she really is. All she's got are these stupid classes and her working out -- she doesn't give a dam.n how she treats you....

I would next this girl..I know she's attractive and you'd like to lay her...but doesn't sound like she's anything special, and if she can't be real with you and forces you to bar-environments where her skank-nature is most comfortable..well then to hell with her.

 

[thehunterwright]

Buddha Mind as I distance myself from the emotion it's easier to see this. I probably also should have paid attention to a couple of red flags that I ignored initially: 1) she's studying psychology because its the ultimate form of manipulation and 2) when she's done she wants to work in a prison. I'm glad this happened though. I realize I have to address some fundamental flaws in my nature, not for her but for me, so that when, if, I'm ever ready to marry I will have my pick of the litter and not just settle for someone who's into me, but so I can have my pick of the litter. I settled once an it nearly destroyed the both of us.

I'm just going to use this as the start of my new academic career of self actualization, first of which is to stop being the proverbial nice guy.

Thank you.

 

[zekko]

Studying psychology, wow. I have literally never met a psychologist who wasn't batsh!t crazy.

And very telling that she wants to work in a prison where she will be surrounded by a bunch of huge guys who will continue to shower her with attention. That's just the guards, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now.
Attention hos love to put themselves into these situations where they are surrounded by many men.

Notice also how she characterized your relationship as "friends" to the douchebag at the bar. I know how it is, I find redheads attractive too, but I don't think I'd touch this girl for any money.