Fiance' Left me for a Friend of Mine, Now She Wants to Talk

[heartrippedout]

Around 4 months ago, my fiance' left me. She said she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. Come to find out about a month ago she was sleeping with my friend. I played is cool by saying that I was happy for them and I also told her that they both lost a good friend, me. I've never mentioned anything again about the time I busted them. I totally dissasociated myself from them both, except the brief encounters I have with her because I have to pick up my daughter from her after I'm done with work. She just told me today that we should talk, and I'm sure she wants to put it into perspective for me how she and he ended up getting together. I don't need her explanations or the dagger pushed into my heart anymore. At this point the only thing I want to hear from her is what has to pertain to my daughter. Should I give her the time of day to explain herself?? I honestly don't believe anything she says. I would greatly appreciate some experienced advise on this. There is a part of me that would like to hear her lies. On the other hand I wish them both days filled with torment. Are the cards in my hand now????

 

[Bourne]

Should I give her the time of day to explain herself??

No. She had her chance and she blew it.

Things are probably not working out in her life like she wanted to, so now she wants to fall back to old and familiar.

 

[Captain AFC]

No, don't give her any time at all.

Fact of the matter is, she's doing two things:

1.) Absolve herself of guilt. By confessing her sins to you, she is looking to get rid of her guilt. Confession is a good thing, but her motives are entirely selfish. She's not really asking for your forgiveness at all. She's just trying to "rationalize" the situation to you. Once she gets it off her chest, she'll be able to go back to her usual mistreatment or disregard of you.

I made this precise mistake when my own fiancee decided to bolt. I let her walk in my room while we still lived together, bawling her eyes out about how sad she feels, what's going on in her life, and all the rest. Essentially, despite the fact that I was the guy "she could no longer trust, was the source of the problem, etc." I was also the counselor that needed to fix everything, by myself no less. Some one had to make a sacrifice, and once again it was going to be me. After she got everything off her chest, she felt free to slander my name in public. This is how it works. This is, apparently, not unusual.

2.) She's trying to hurt you and increase her own ego. From what I've read and experienced, there are women out there that despite having a LTR with you, still crave that feeling of knowing that they own you, or that their actions still deeply affect you. In essense, she's going to "talk some sense into you," and then wait to see your reaction. Once you give her the sad and hurt face, she'll know she's a "prize," she'll be able to move on with her life, she'll hand you back your daughter, and you get to go home with all the baggage.

So in essence, do what you suggested to yourself. No explanations. There are no explanations when someone betrays your trust like that. If a man went out and said, "I'm going to set my woman straight and explain to her why I was sleeping with her best friend," everyone in the room would have common sense to know that he's absolute scum and should be disregarded.

It is the same with women.

 

[Warlord]

IGNORE her. She went for your friend. I hope you have some self respect for yourself.

 

[Jamo]

Tell her that she can do all the explaining she wants when she has your c*ck in her mouth....

 

[MightyMate]

'I played is cool by saying that I was happy for them and I also told her that they both lost a good friend, me' i dont think that wa a good idea.
Just ignore her now then. Dont speak at all. Say You have no time.

 

[heartrippedout]

No, don't give her any time at all.

Fact of the matter is, she's doing two things:

1.) Absolve herself of guilt. By confessing her sins to you, she is looking to get rid of her guilt. Confession is a good thing, but her motives are entirely selfish. She's not really asking for your forgiveness at all. She's just trying to "rationalize" the situation to you. Once she gets it off her chest, she'll be able to go back to her usual mistreatment or disregard of you.

I made this precise mistake when my own fiancee decided to bolt. I let her walk in my room while we still lived together, bawling her eyes out about how sad she feels, what's going on in her life, and all the rest. Essentially, despite the fact that I was the guy "she could no longer trust, was the source of the problem, etc." I was also the counselor that needed to fix everything, by myself no less. Some one had to make a sacrifice, and once again it was going to be me. After she got everything off her chest, she felt free to slander my name in public. This is how it works. This is, apparently, not unusual.

2.) She's trying to hurt you and increase her own ego. From what I've read and experienced, there are women out there that despite having a LTR with you, still crave that feeling of knowing that they own you, or that their actions still deeply affect you. In essense, she's going to "talk some sense into you," and then wait to see your reaction. Once you give her the sad and hurt face, she'll know she's a "prize," she'll be able to move on with her life, she'll hand you back your daughter, and you get to go home with all the baggage.

So in essence, do what you suggested to yourself. No explanations. There are no explanations when someone betrays your trust like that. If a man went out and said, "I'm going to set my woman straight and explain to her why I was sleeping with her best friend," everyone in the room would have common sense to know that he's absolute scum and should be disregarded.

It is the same with women.

These two points hit it on the nose for me. Thanks for putting it into words. I believe this pent up guilt of hers is going to eat her up as well as their relationship. Too bad there isn't open season on humans once a year.:trouble:

 

[heartrippedout]

'I played is cool by saying that I was happy for them and I also told her that they both lost a good friend, me' i dont think that wa a good idea.
Just ignore her now then. Dont speak at all. Say You have no time.

Ignoring her has definately been what I have been doing to her. Your right I shouldn't have said those words to her. It was either that at the time or physically lashing out. I told her those words when he (my ex-friend) was in her bedroom hiding out.:cuss:

 

[driver55]

Negative!

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT speak or converse with this person. You will only get burned. Show her you are a MAN, one who deserves RESPECT and cannot be treated like a nobody that she can engage with, simply at her whim.

CAPT AFC is right on point with everything he is saying. She will simply be rationalizing the situation to herself through you.

Sounds like you know the right thing to do...Sorry to hear about your situation, but you will recover, and be better for it! Good luck!

 

[penkitten]

let her talk to your friend that she left you for.

 

[heartrippedout]

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT speak or converse with this person. You will only get burned. Show her you are a MAN, one who deserves RESPECT and cannot be treated like a nobody that she can engage with, simply at her whim.

CAPT AFC is right on point with everything he is saying. She will simply be rationalizing the situation to herself through you.

Sounds like you know the right thing to do...Sorry to hear about your situation, but you will recover, and be better for it! Good luck!

Your absolutely correct about her making herself feel better through me. There is a name for people like this: psychic vampires. Manipulative people who suck the emotions and life from you. I won't give her the time of day and see how that goes. Knowing her she might use my daughter against me on an emotional level.

 

[So Many Ways]

My goodness dude where's your self respect?

Find a woman that actually likes you.

..edit I thought I was responding to a different thread. Never mind.

 

[flexion_]

Nope - don't give her the chance to explain herself. Her actions already explained everything pretty clearly.

 

[Desdinova]

She just told me today that we should talk,

There's nothing to talk about. That chapter of your life is over, you've closed the book, and now you're moving on with your life. Closure only drags the relationship further through the mud.

Keep things on a business level when it comes to contacting her. Talk about your daughter, and keep it at that.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

By continuing to interact with this woman you are essentially rewarding her for her bad behavior and thus reinforcing it. I'll concur with the CAPTAIN; she only wants a time of confession and the affirmation she'll get from this will be a reward for her. Do not allow this, particularly with a woman you share a child with. She wants to know "everything is cool" between you both and the absolution of culpability that will come after it. Do not give this to her.

Now, on the flipside, do not allow yourself to become 'revenge seeking' or vindictive for the sake of your daughter. I know how strong the urge for retribution will be, but understand the best punishment you can deliver is to be as supportive and loving as possible with your daughter. Everytime your daughter tells Mommy about how great you are or how you helped her with her homework or deffers to you credit about anything, it will be a constant, lifelong reminder of her transgressions. Never bad-mouth this woman, never devalue her in your daughter's estimation. Be matter of fact, be pragmatic and efficient, but never out wordly despise her in front of your daughter. Far better to kill her with kindness over the course your daughter's life and your daughter will have a better, positive masculine reference later in life as well.

 

[speedo_meme]

Get the ring back, sell it, and go buy yourself a sea doo!!!!!!!! :rockon:

 

[DoubleA]

Where's your pride?

 

[MacAvoy]

You've done everything perfect so far. You created the perfect break after her mistrust. Everyone agrees with CaptainAFC because he is dead on. Having a daughter myself, I agree Rollo Tomassi is also dead on. Don't seek revenge but only keep building her up in your daugther's eyes. Your daughter will love you for it even more over the years.

My daughter lives with my ex but we have a much closer bond. Its about the love and respect you give her. Spend quality time with her, not quantity.

Finally when she continues to press to talk, tell her you don't have time, you've got your own life to live. I was going to suggest that you tell her she lost out on the chance to spill her guts to you when the relationship ended. But that would contradict my previous advice, and would only get her going more and make her want you. Just avoid the situation. Tell her you don't have time, you've got your own life to live. Walk away. It will keep things civil so you can keep things cordial so you can raise your daughter.

In a few years you can have a better relationship with your ex. However now is not the time, there are still too many emotional ties and it will only get messy. For your daughters sake, stay away, unavailable to her emotionally. In a few years, you'll be amazed at what good friends you can be in the best interest of your daughter.

 

[Hypoxia II]

It's been said but I have to say it myself...

Finace: NEXT!
"Friend": NEXT!

Reminds me of a similar situation I experienced about 6 years ago..

OK< I feel better now...

 

[thissucks003]

The Ring??????

Please tell me you got the ring back? If you haven't get it, she doesn't deserve to keep it.