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Don Juan
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2023
- Messages
- 10
- Reaction score
- 3
- Age
- 41
This is a question I have for anyone and everyone. I realize I do not have the answers and I will not pretend to so I am seeking insights.
I know a lot of things. I get a lot of respect in my circles, I'm doing well in life, I get a lot of attraction and initial interest, and I get some connection but I get almost no hard commitment or hard attachment or loyalty, which I know exists, which one guy once called lockdown, and I'll call psychological lockdown or the third stage. Let me explain. I was telling my men's group, young adults, that attraction from women is for boys, and is fleeting. Connection is of men. That's all I said. I get some connection based on attraction, but not enough, but I never, rarely ever get what I once heard called "lockdown". I don't know the female process for this- I realize and this probably explains most of my failure and frustrations with women, considering I do everything in my power to be a good and appealing man- and while I am a natural romantic at heart I have naturally never been about simping or being too nice. You have the wrong guy. In a word, my instinct is to try be perfect- more perfect, realize obviously that that doesn't mean being nice, and I know all types can get a girl- a heavy tattooed badboy looking guy, which is not me, or a well dressed gentleman to everything in between, so there's no need to be someone you're not. Being better, including at communication and even conversation- there has been no silver bullet. I sometimes get lucky and btw I am looking for a long term mate, and I maybe need a better mating market but I am here.
I once aeons ago (over a decade ago) heard a city boy at our track practice say "so and so's got her in lockdown" - i.e. she voluntarily likes him and he's won her commitment and her heart. I knew this is what he meant, and I never forgot that utterance. I don't even know who he was talking about but I got the concept.
Getting attraction is for the boys among us, getting connection- much harder and I think it usually comes from good conversation skills, as a base, plus other tricks, or maybe just being yourself if you've made yourself into a worthy man. If you can prove you can have a normal conversation, and are a worthy man that is probably enough, or that plus showing some intention periodically (holding eye contact, or touching an elbow, or doing so with words, etc).
All this is great and I'm working on these fronts but getting connection is for men and getting her attached and committed, or (and I know this will sound creepy but it's not meant to be) getting psychological lockdown, where she thinks of you and rejects overtures of other men because she's thinking of you, and where (so it's said) a good girl will rob a bank for you--- I daresay this is not attraction, this is not connection based. So many women like me. So many men and women respect me- increasingly over the years. I'm not lying. I see guys and girls mating up in our group and there are some women, some girls that would like me to pursue them but there are others who are confusing me, who I let myself get confused by.
I know a man needs confidence. If not confidence, then silence and a little mystery so you can't tell the difference - presence I think- definite presence, but scarcity. That's the combination I think, that I recently discovered- you need scarcity but you have to be physically present. One thing I hate about pickup books, and all sorts of online advice, is that even when they're good and it's good advice, they don't define the terms, the context, the where, when what why how, what for and so lead men like myself into confusion. They would all utterly fail as mathematicians, for everything being so true yet ill-defined. Even lawmakers sometimes define things poorly but everything- I mean everything lies in a definition. Anyway physical presence and even attention being present but holding back from sharing or speaking until spoken to- that seems to be the combination. I know confidence or this is necessary but I get confidence when I solve the recurring issues of the past. If I feel destined to repeat myself, how can I have confidence?
I know this seems like a self-indulgent post. Really it's not about that. How else can I ask a question without it being generic? I feel the need somehow to provide detail and context. I've had a few women before and some showed more loyalty or attachment than others, and yeah it depends on the women, and maybe it could have something to do with the mating market i'm in, but not completely. What is the female process of being locked down?
If she sees you and finds you attractive, that might pique her interest.
If she talks to you and starts to build a connection, a slightly romantic connection obviously, that's better, but sadly she probably has 10 of these and thinks nothing of it. We do not live in the middle ages and even then women were probably sly if they had the chance.
I know women are going to be sly. That's who they are and like water, they escape being held, but voluntarily they submit themselves and lock themselves down through some process with the right combination of traits and behavior of a guy. I am sad I had to go here in life, seeking this much conscious knowledge rather than it just happening. It is sad but I'm not too proud to seek for wisdom and answers. I want to understand the process in her and the combination in men they respond to, otherwise it's just 1 million snowflakes. Why even bother. I refuse to believe the mantra "she's not yours, it's just your turn" because that's not what I'm seeing, and it has nothing to do with a man's wealth. It's a different combination.
To life: Give me this knowledge and understanding, or I am turning my attention away from this crap. Do you realize an uncommitted, undevoted woman is totally worthless, worth than worthless, costly from the point of view of getting any life benefit? I don't care for illusions. And I get a lot of quality women looking at me, sometimes. During different events, dance whatever, I get those eyes. I know I get sincere interest. I can hold eye contact. I can take people out to dinner. Nothing ultimately means anything until you get to this third stage, lock down, exclusion, where she excludes other people for you and where she responds quickly, gives you forgiveness and tolerances and benefit of doubt and takes you seriously and even fears losing you perhaps. I don't care about any of this for my ego's sake and I don't want to be a creepy- it's just needed as an essential foundation for an actual relationship and I'm not a nice guy who puts others first always- I never was, and i'm not a jerk and I'm non binary, non left wing non right wing non nice guy non jerk. I've never thought about things in those stupid idiotic terms. I just simply do not know how to turn on a woman's attachment engine from all the interest and respect I get - closing as it were. FML I don't think I get to the kiss stage often enough, maybe that's it or a large part of it. Also in everything I do always, I am always seeking to have moral standing, moral authority. If anyone can challenge this, I have failed in a bad way but of course I am still a man, still masculine, still winning in friendly fights, not a normalchode. In every single other area other than this one, I consider myself fine. In this one small sub-area or phase I am fine admitting I am a complete and total chode, and that's the problem, and I admit it is the problem and I have a problem, but I'll admit to no others because I don't see any others and I don't receive social feedback that I have others. Thank you
I know a lot of things. I get a lot of respect in my circles, I'm doing well in life, I get a lot of attraction and initial interest, and I get some connection but I get almost no hard commitment or hard attachment or loyalty, which I know exists, which one guy once called lockdown, and I'll call psychological lockdown or the third stage. Let me explain. I was telling my men's group, young adults, that attraction from women is for boys, and is fleeting. Connection is of men. That's all I said. I get some connection based on attraction, but not enough, but I never, rarely ever get what I once heard called "lockdown". I don't know the female process for this- I realize and this probably explains most of my failure and frustrations with women, considering I do everything in my power to be a good and appealing man- and while I am a natural romantic at heart I have naturally never been about simping or being too nice. You have the wrong guy. In a word, my instinct is to try be perfect- more perfect, realize obviously that that doesn't mean being nice, and I know all types can get a girl- a heavy tattooed badboy looking guy, which is not me, or a well dressed gentleman to everything in between, so there's no need to be someone you're not. Being better, including at communication and even conversation- there has been no silver bullet. I sometimes get lucky and btw I am looking for a long term mate, and I maybe need a better mating market but I am here.
I once aeons ago (over a decade ago) heard a city boy at our track practice say "so and so's got her in lockdown" - i.e. she voluntarily likes him and he's won her commitment and her heart. I knew this is what he meant, and I never forgot that utterance. I don't even know who he was talking about but I got the concept.
Getting attraction is for the boys among us, getting connection- much harder and I think it usually comes from good conversation skills, as a base, plus other tricks, or maybe just being yourself if you've made yourself into a worthy man. If you can prove you can have a normal conversation, and are a worthy man that is probably enough, or that plus showing some intention periodically (holding eye contact, or touching an elbow, or doing so with words, etc).
All this is great and I'm working on these fronts but getting connection is for men and getting her attached and committed, or (and I know this will sound creepy but it's not meant to be) getting psychological lockdown, where she thinks of you and rejects overtures of other men because she's thinking of you, and where (so it's said) a good girl will rob a bank for you--- I daresay this is not attraction, this is not connection based. So many women like me. So many men and women respect me- increasingly over the years. I'm not lying. I see guys and girls mating up in our group and there are some women, some girls that would like me to pursue them but there are others who are confusing me, who I let myself get confused by.
I know a man needs confidence. If not confidence, then silence and a little mystery so you can't tell the difference - presence I think- definite presence, but scarcity. That's the combination I think, that I recently discovered- you need scarcity but you have to be physically present. One thing I hate about pickup books, and all sorts of online advice, is that even when they're good and it's good advice, they don't define the terms, the context, the where, when what why how, what for and so lead men like myself into confusion. They would all utterly fail as mathematicians, for everything being so true yet ill-defined. Even lawmakers sometimes define things poorly but everything- I mean everything lies in a definition. Anyway physical presence and even attention being present but holding back from sharing or speaking until spoken to- that seems to be the combination. I know confidence or this is necessary but I get confidence when I solve the recurring issues of the past. If I feel destined to repeat myself, how can I have confidence?
I know this seems like a self-indulgent post. Really it's not about that. How else can I ask a question without it being generic? I feel the need somehow to provide detail and context. I've had a few women before and some showed more loyalty or attachment than others, and yeah it depends on the women, and maybe it could have something to do with the mating market i'm in, but not completely. What is the female process of being locked down?
If she sees you and finds you attractive, that might pique her interest.
If she talks to you and starts to build a connection, a slightly romantic connection obviously, that's better, but sadly she probably has 10 of these and thinks nothing of it. We do not live in the middle ages and even then women were probably sly if they had the chance.
I know women are going to be sly. That's who they are and like water, they escape being held, but voluntarily they submit themselves and lock themselves down through some process with the right combination of traits and behavior of a guy. I am sad I had to go here in life, seeking this much conscious knowledge rather than it just happening. It is sad but I'm not too proud to seek for wisdom and answers. I want to understand the process in her and the combination in men they respond to, otherwise it's just 1 million snowflakes. Why even bother. I refuse to believe the mantra "she's not yours, it's just your turn" because that's not what I'm seeing, and it has nothing to do with a man's wealth. It's a different combination.
To life: Give me this knowledge and understanding, or I am turning my attention away from this crap. Do you realize an uncommitted, undevoted woman is totally worthless, worth than worthless, costly from the point of view of getting any life benefit? I don't care for illusions. And I get a lot of quality women looking at me, sometimes. During different events, dance whatever, I get those eyes. I know I get sincere interest. I can hold eye contact. I can take people out to dinner. Nothing ultimately means anything until you get to this third stage, lock down, exclusion, where she excludes other people for you and where she responds quickly, gives you forgiveness and tolerances and benefit of doubt and takes you seriously and even fears losing you perhaps. I don't care about any of this for my ego's sake and I don't want to be a creepy- it's just needed as an essential foundation for an actual relationship and I'm not a nice guy who puts others first always- I never was, and i'm not a jerk and I'm non binary, non left wing non right wing non nice guy non jerk. I've never thought about things in those stupid idiotic terms. I just simply do not know how to turn on a woman's attachment engine from all the interest and respect I get - closing as it were. FML I don't think I get to the kiss stage often enough, maybe that's it or a large part of it. Also in everything I do always, I am always seeking to have moral standing, moral authority. If anyone can challenge this, I have failed in a bad way but of course I am still a man, still masculine, still winning in friendly fights, not a normalchode. In every single other area other than this one, I consider myself fine. In this one small sub-area or phase I am fine admitting I am a complete and total chode, and that's the problem, and I admit it is the problem and I have a problem, but I'll admit to no others because I don't see any others and I don't receive social feedback that I have others. Thank you
