feeling awkward just socializing

[Dennyy]

I recently moved out and since then, I've been trying to put myself out there. I'm doing pretty well but most of the time, I have this awkward look on my face or I'll laugh and my face just tense up.

Do I just have to keep being more social and eventually I'll be more relaxed? I'm also thinking of joining a frat to help with my social skills, good or bad idea?

 

[Night-hawk]

Your fellow human beings are no more foreign than your own sense of isolation from them makes you believe.

 

[mangotot]

They say the more you do it the easier it becomes but sometimes if there is a psychological block no amount of exposure helps.

 

[om1xr]

I think you should watch some Robert Mitchum interviews to see how laid back a real man act and be.

here is a sample: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5x09EjvDgY

 

[Serenity]

How you feel is contagious, if you feel awkward there's a good chance those you talk to pick up on it and feel the same. That's the main reason you gotta find ways to make yourself feel good and positive. After every experience ask yourself what's really so bad about it, I bet most times there's not much to pin the feeling down to. In other words the feeling is there, but it's invalid and not consistent with reality. Also start being self-aware and take control of yourself, when you feel your face tense up just stop it and relax that tension. It worked for me and it started feeling a lot more natural without that tense expression.

Don't stop exposing yourself, but rather attempt to apply this advice the next time. Don't be afraid if things don't go as planned, things rarely ever do. It's an excellent opportunity to take note of areas that can improve, and self-improvement is what we're doing.

Most people want to avoid awkward moments and just want to have a good time, if you can provide that you're providing a value few people seem to handle well. Keep practicing, and good luck

 

[Dennyy]

Thank you guys for the tips.

There is a psychological block. but that's why I had to move out, I knew it was affecting me. At least I was aware of that

I don;t know... I've been so sick and tired of feeling awkward in social situation (mainly with girls) and but it's probably because I don't know anyone yet.

I'll update this thread if there's anymore thoughts in my mind. Right now, I feel like listening to motivational tapes help.

 

[Heisenberg]

When you talk to a girl just focus 100% on what they're saying. Really listen. Catch every word, look into their eyes, etc. Your brain will be too busy to wonder if you're being awkward (I notice from your post that you have not provided any actual evidence of being awkward, your brain is just telling you that you're being awkward.) Oh, and a pleasant side effect is that the girl will be wet over how good a listener you are.

 

[mrRuckus]

Do I just have to keep being more social and eventually I'll be more relaxed?

Yes, it's like any fear. Exposure lessens it. The only way to make your comfort zone larger without chemicals is to take little steps outside of it until those little steps become the new norm, which is then now part of your comfort zone.

A scary movie just isn't as scary on the 15th viewing.

When you talk to a girl just focus 100% on what they're saying. Really listen. Catch every word, look into their eyes, etc. Your brain will be too busy to wonder if you're being awkward

I don't really think you want to avoid it. The exposure is needed to adapt to it. You need to go out in the sun to adapt to it and get a tan.

 

[Dennyy]

When you talk to a girl just focus 100% on what they're saying. Really listen. Catch every word, look into their eyes, etc. Your brain will be too busy to wonder if you're being awkward (I notice from your post that you have not provided any actual evidence of being awkward, your brain is just telling you that you're being awkward.) Oh, and a pleasant side effect is that the girl will be wet over how good a listener you are.

Here's the thing, (like today) I force myself to look at girls in the eyes but my eyes enlarge (like the creeper look lol). So of course I have to turn away to get my eyes back to normal. This is one of the issue.

The other issue is me laughing when the scenario is funny but then my face is tensed up, so it looks awkward. I did noticed that when I loosened up, it becomes easier to smile.

I will keep exposing myself everyday as suggested.

 

[zekko]

You know, I went through a phase where I had trouble controlling my face when I was socializing. It was like I got stressed out and my face would tense up, or betray me. I have no idea what caused it, I just kept trying to power through it. It disappeared as mysteriously as it started. Basically, you want to have a confident, comfortable, relaxed vibe when talking to people - so if you genuinely feel that, you should be okay. Just keep working on it.

 

[Dennyy]

You know, I went through a phase where I had trouble controlling my face when I was socializing. It was like I got stressed out and my face would tense up, or betray me. I have no idea what caused it, I just kept trying to power through it. It disappeared as mysteriously as it started. Basically, you want to have a confident, comfortable, relaxed vibe when talking to people - so if you genuinely feel that, you should be okay. Just keep working on it.

I'll admit, I felt like I was a "boss" when I was shredded down and when I felt great about myself. These past months does have something to do with my small depression and stress.

This is probably why I'm acting the way I am. I have never really been this bad at socializing.

 

[3agle 3yes]

"to thine own self be true".

Try to remind yourself WHY you're attempting to be more sociable.

It shouldn't be because you're trying to "fit in", or because you need approval or validation...this, in my experience is one of the main reasons why many people feel anxious or awkward in social situations.

Remember in general, you have to like and genuinely be interested in the people you're talking to.

The most simple way to speak to people IMO is simply ask them questions, listen to their answers and ask more.

 

[FairShake]

Do I just have to keep being more social and eventually I'll be more relaxed?

You will definitely get better. You will also get used to being awkward and care less about it. That's just as good if you ask me.

I'm also thinking of joining a frat to help with my social skills, good or bad idea?

I don't think that's the ideal place to start. Try parties, the bar, more neutral places.

Edit: As an aside we all feel a little awkward sometimes. The successful people plow through it and stay friendly and open despite it.

 

[skinnyguy]

I have a few tips.

1) Drink more
2) Think that you're God's gift to women and everyone wants to be with you
3) Work on bringing something to the conversation. For me, it's golf. Find some interest that you can talk about so that you're not boring.

 

[Heisenberg]

Here's the thing, (like today) I force myself to look at girls in the eyes but my eyes enlarge (like the creeper look lol). So of course I have to turn away to get my eyes back to normal. This is one of the issue.

The other issue is me laughing when the scenario is funny but then my face is tensed up, so it looks awkward. I did noticed that when I loosened up, it becomes easier to smile.

Has anybody told you that your eyes go buggy or that your face tenses up too much? It sounds like you are being very self critical and I wonder - if you have in fact been putting people off in your interactions - if this is due to the physical quirks you've described or if people are just put off by the nervous energy you're sending out when you are telling yourself that you're doing these things.

A bad habit that I actually still struggle with to this day is that I am always trying to "guess" what I look like in a third-person view. That is, if I am talking to someone, my brain will start going, "Are your eyes doing the right thing? is your face doing the right thing? Do you appear relaxed enough? Is this person comfortable talking with me?" And the ironic thing with that is that my eyes, face, body, conversation etc. are probably all fine, but I am now so lost in my head that I am not making the other person feel comfortable. If I notice the other person isn't enjoying their interaction with me, that validates my self-critic - oh, she walked away because your eyes went too big - when, in reality, it was my self-critic that was the problem.

I will keep exposing myself everyday as suggested.

Well, don't do this. That's how you become a real creep and get yourself arrested for indecent exposure. Leave the trench coat at home, man. Haha.

 

[Dennyy]

Has anybody told you that your eyes go buggy or that your face tenses up too much? It sounds like you are being very self critical and I wonder - if you have in fact been putting people off in your interactions - if this is due to the physical quirks you've described or if people are just put off by the nervous energy you're sending out when you are telling yourself that you're doing these things.

A bad habit that I actually still struggle with to this day is that I am always trying to "guess" what I look like in a third-person view. That is, if I am talking to someone, my brain will start going, "Are your eyes doing the right thing? is your face doing the right thing? Do you appear relaxed enough? Is this person comfortable talking with me?" And the ironic thing with that is that my eyes, face, body, conversation etc. are probably all fine, but I am now so lost in my head that I am not making the other person feel comfortable. If I notice the other person isn't enjoying their interaction with me, that validates my self-critic - oh, she walked away because your eyes went too big - when, in reality, it was my self-critic that was the problem.



Well, don't do this. That's how you become a real creep and get yourself arrested for indecent exposure. Leave the trench coat at home, man. Haha.

Haha I meant exposing as in just getting used to the social interaction. Like chatting up with cashier, random small talk etc. I just moved out recently and my parents were the biggest influence in my lack of social interaction to say the least.

And yes, you are right on with the buggy eyes LOL. I do notice when I say things like "I love myself, I love myself, I love myself" inside my head repeatedly, my face is relax. So I'll be doing this today to see how it goes.

Also, thanks to everyone that chimes in. It's great to know there's help and I usually don't ask for them, but this one is just bugging me. So thank you.

 

[Heisenberg]

And yes, you are right on with the buggy eyes LOL. I do notice when I say things like "I love myself, I love myself, I love myself" inside my head repeatedly, my face is relax. So I'll be doing this today to see how it goes.

Affirmations work for some people. If they do for you, great. My personal problem with those is it's still inner chatter. The act of repeating an affirmation feels like I am trying to convince myself of something, which means there's still a subconscious hold on the negative thing I am trying to take my attention off of. It's not helping me be present, is the jist of it.

Try meditation. Try morning pages (google what that's about). These are things that will quiet your mind. Once your inner critic is silenced, you won't need to blast positive affirmations to cover him up.

 

[Serenity]

I want to point out that self-criticism that attacks self-worth can sometimes be so subtle you won't notice before you pay really close attention to it. Especially the indirect things that appear harmless at first, but implies something else. The main rule is to catch yourself doing it and remind yourself that it's bullish!t, with practice your mind make this skip automatically.

Sometimes I've even criticized my own critic. Mainly I respond to my own inner voice and tell it to shut the fvck up, as if it was some other a$$hole criticizing me. Sounds crazy, but it's kinda entertaining.

 

[Dennyy]

Just want to update on what's going on.

So basically I have increased my meditation to at least 20 minutes a day now (usually do more) and I am conscious of what I say to myself. Instead of putting myself down, I remember the good highlights.

Now there's a pattern I see. When I'm with a bid crowd of people, I just feel drained out. Today I was excited to go out, then after 10-20 minutes of socializing, my energy just went. I don't think it's lack of sleep or the food that I'm eating, maybe I just need to get used to being around a lot of people?

 

[Serenity]

Yeah, that happens. It happens because you take in too much too fast, you can't handle that much noise yet. It can also be because you try too hard and don't know what cues to look for.

Meditation helps a lot with this. You'll be better at focusing your attention and remaining calm in chaos. I used to have the experience that everything around me was a mess and it stressed me out really fast. If your mind is calm your environment seems calm and manageable, even though objectively it's all the same. Also you don't have to respond to everything.

This one time at a party being the only guy amongst girls I kept quiet for an hour. I just felt stressed, so I meditated trying to clear away my thoughts. Not in a pose though, I was just mindfully listening and observing. I later grabbed the attention of everyone and really hooked two of them, and I didn't even work for it. The patience game seems to work for me every damn time.