Feedback from Ex - would love your thoughts please

[Mr. Me]

My point is that her feedback is quite accurate.

It would be accurate if four or five exes were telling you the very same thing. Then you'd know it's a constant.

When it comes from one ex, you don't really know her agenda. Is it just her throwing out a complaint? Is it out of anger? Spite? Lingering resentment? Who knows. Stop! Don't you dare try to assume you know her mind well enough to account for her.

Let's see, I had an ex who gave me a Christmas card once in which she wrote that I was "her friend, her lover, her baby, forever". On another occasion, I was "her heart and hero". Then, after we broke up shortly afterwards... she says that she never felt I was a friend to her; never felt we really connected. Which feedback am I too believe?

If you think you're going to learn something about yourself from every ex's feedback, what's mostly going to happen is that you're going to hear a slew of assorted DIFFERENT things every time there's a break up. After a while, you're going to wonder "how is it possible that I've got all these horrible things wrong with me?" and "how come the first ex was okay with this, but the second ex wasn't but she found this other thing a problem, whereas the third ex was okay with me but it was yet something else that she objected to, and..."

Lets pretend the feedback is from someone else that knew me well.

You'd be able to trust a buddy's opinion much, much more then an ex's. It's not the same thing at all.

 

[thedeparted]

This reminds me of a brilliant loser PhD friend of mine who never gets anywhere with women. One day he said he had to call this girl, "To see if she was going to be my girlfriend." I tried to talk him out of it using Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.

In a nutshell: You cannot measure something without changing it.

In physics it applies to the position and momentum of a quantam particle like an electron. Measure the momentum and the position changes. And vice versa. In psychology, it applies to someone's thoughts or state of mind. Ask them a question and it actually changes what they think. There is always a degree of response bias.

So the very act of my friend calling to "find out" if she was going to be his GF would obviously sink the whole ship. Make him look needy. Put her in charge. And change her interest level in him. He would not find out if she wanted to be his GF. He would instead make sure she didn't want to be his GF.

Same deal with your Ex. Her response to you 2 years later was based on your question. She saw a needy wimp and beat up on him like a bully. Had you instead taken a hot chick or two on your arm in her presence, then waited for her to approach and showboat her trophy husband, and then been best bud's with him for five minutes and played it ****y and cool with her, her response would have been totally different.

Bottom Line: Women respond to your actions IN THE MOMENT. History doesn't count for shlt with them. They are creatues of caprice. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Whatever she told you about your past was a reflection ONLY of her feelings in the present.

P.S. In case you didn't know it, the REASON she stayed with you 2 years was probably that you WERE a wall. A challenge. Something to discover. Cat string theory -- the kitty kat plays with the elusive string. Once you became a dead string, an open book, she lost interest. Yup, just the exact opposite of what she said. That should teach you to ask ANY woman for her opinion about your relationship with her. If you really want to know, look at what she does, and how her body responds.

 

[Heretolearn]

Brilliant replies guys.

So I guess my answer is that the self development I crave cannot really be aided by an ex as they have their own agenda/issues both at the time and now.

That I must address myself.

Thanks

 

[jophil28]

I tried to talk him out of it using Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.

In a nutshell: You cannot measure something without changing it.

THis "principle" is crude.

IT needs to be amended to something like, " You cannot assess, evaluate or measure something without changing it, even if the change is minute and the change itself unmeasurable ."

THis could lead to an interesting discussion on the impact on men of women's "sh!t tests" which are held by some to be ways that women seek to 'measure' a guys' inner qualities.

 

[jophil28]

Brilliant replies guys.

So I guess my answer is that the self development I crave cannot really be aided by an ex as they have their own agenda/issues both at the time and now.

That I must address myself.

Thanks

"Self development " is best created by taking positive action. Any action will do to get started by getting your ass off the couch.

( There is something PC and wimpy about men who use trendy words like "address..." just saying .)

 

[penkitten]

facebook is an evil tool.

 

[cedd]

Never root through the garbage once you've dragged the can to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and if you find what you're looking for it's still the same thing you threw away.

Amen.

facebook is an evil tool.

Haleluyah !

Even if she did tell you that you had been a great person by helping her and her family and she'd never forget you bla bla bla, does it really matter ?
An ex is an ex and facebook won't change it.
Asking for feedbacks from your ex is only a lame excuse for hidding your insecurities about her and giving her the consent (ie the power) to put you down.
Do you like fingers in you a$$ ? NO, I guess...Dont blame yourself if it hurts...

cheers

 

[Jeffst1980]

Gotta rep thedeparted for that one.

There is nothing to be gained by asking an ex what you did wrong--chances are, she'll pick on the things you did RIGHT, at least by our standards. Things like being a challenge, refusing to supplicate, and staying emotionally unreactive. I have a feeling that's what's at play here.

The fact is: When her interest is low, EVERYTHING you do is wrong.

Don't get me wrong--you may indeed be perceived as "putting up walls," as many guys on this and other related sites tend to be. Really, it's ego preservation: We don't want to get hurt again, so we invest less of ourselves in the relationship and express less emotion. The thing is--this is usually NEVER a problem UNTIL her interest level drops--THEN she brings it up in an effort to rationalize her loss of attraction. If you're giving her adequate affection (really, even just sex and cuddling) and treating her like she matters to you, she will not be bothered by the fact that you are emotionally guarded. Being openly emotional is just not a desirable masculine trait.

Not directed at the OP but a general comment: I think a lot of people make life much more difficult than it is by constantly worrying about their presentation to others. If you put the focus on making yourself happy and living in the moment, you'll find that by doing so you embody all the attractive traits you've spent so much time analyzing.

 

[Heretolearn]

Gotta rep thedeparted for that one.

There is nothing to be gained by asking an ex what you did wrong--chances are, she'll pick on the things you did RIGHT, at least by our standards. Things like being a challenge, refusing to supplicate, and staying emotionally unreactive. I have a feeling that's what's at play here.

The fact is: When her interest is low, EVERYTHING you do is wrong.

Don't get me wrong--you may indeed be perceived as "putting up walls," as many guys on this and other related sites tend to be. Really, it's ego preservation: We don't want to get hurt again, so we invest less of ourselves in the relationship and express less emotion. The thing is--this is usually NEVER a problem UNTIL her interest level drops--THEN she brings it up in an effort to rationalize her loss of attraction. If you're giving her adequate affection (really, even just sex and cuddling) and treating her like she matters to you, she will not be bothered by the fact that you are emotionally guarded. Being openly emotional is just not a desirable masculine trait.

Not directed at the OP but a general comment: I think a lot of people make life much more difficult than it is by constantly worrying about their presentation to others. If you put the focus on making yourself happy and living in the moment, you'll find that by doing so you embody all the attractive traits you've spent so much time analyzing.

Thank you, a wonderful post!

I guess for me its the journey to find out 'what makes me happy'