Fear of success

[penguin]

This is a little different than a lot of threads.... you see, i'm not scared of being rejected. I expect rejection. Admittedly I have never approached, but the thought of being rejected just doesn't get me "scared" or nervous.

However, what does get me nervous, is success. These thoughts were brought on today when some woman (not attractive, not unattractive, i was fairly neutral in being attracted) gave me (from what I can gather anyway) an open 'invitation' to start a convo with her, out of nowhere.

Know what I did? Answered her question and put my headphones on (was waiting for a bus). This was followed by a little awkwardness (i felt her looking at me every now and then, i didn't look though). The way she approached me, and just the general feeling was that she was wanting to talk, I could feel it. About 30 seconds of awkwardness later she got up and left.

I'm not saying I had a chance to lay her, but where was the risk of feeling rejected? I mean, if someone gave you clear signals, there shouldn't be any fear.

But no, I was just too **** scared to do anything but answer her question and proceed to ignore her.

Anyway enough of that bullcrap. My question: any advice on how to overcome fear of success?

I expect rejection all the time, and i expect negative things all the time, and this is comfortable for me. I expect negative things to happen to me, that's fine, who i am. But the problem is, I don't know how to handle success with women. I was given good signals and I didn't have a clue what to do, froze and ended up being unintentionally rude.

To me, "yeah, let me give you my number" is scarier than "no thanks".

Strangest. Problem. Ever.

 

[spider_007]

In another words, you wouldn't know what to do with her even if she was giving you signals to move in...........................

My suggestion is that you keep working on your social skills. That will help you take it to the next level.

Another thing is, your fear of success is connected to your expectation of faliur. It is good that you are not afraid of rejection, but you have to expect to succide (spelling) from time to time. Im not just talking about dating, life in general.

 

[Qmanchoo]

I was given good signals and I didn't have a clue what to do

It's sounds like it's not necessarily fear of success but that you don't know what to say? Maybe because you're putting pressure on yourself instantly to come up with something interesting instead of just starting with something natural and getting comfortable first? Possibly from lack of conversational experience with women?

Just speculating here, but when a girl randomly walks up to me to start a conversation things just kind of flow. I think that's only because I've simply talked to quite a few girls, know what gets a good reaction, know a few questions that get a conversation rolling with a stranger, and just roll with it.

Most important of all... I just don't give a **** about what happens with a stranger that I meet so I just open up and have fun with it. I'm not always successful but there are not perfect words either.

So, I want you to try something. I had the exact same problem you are having for a long time. It was the direct result of reading way to much material on "signals girls send when interested" "what to say when a girl is interested" "technique this, technique that" and in the moment I'd freeze because I'd be thinking awy to much about what to do.

Try just saying _whatever comes to mind_ and _whatever feels perfectly natural_ instead of trying to "come up with something in the moment" because until you get the conversation thing down doing that will be hard. Don't even worry about DJ skills until conversations with anyone anytime are 100% natural and normal.

Even if what you say seems like it's a boring conversation topic. Something is better than nothing to start and you trying to get over the fear not make something happen with this girl, that's the goal so don't clog up your thought process with "Sh1t how do I fvck this girl that just said hi!!" hehe

 

[PVSSY-EATER]

To fear anything is to misinterpret it.........

I believe you feel uncomfortable not because of fear, but because of....well, let me give you an example.

You feel like a seven year old kid would feel, if I threw a million dollars at him and all his family and friends seen me do it, and were all happy for him....keep following me,

Then THEY start suggesting what HE should do with the money I just gave him, as if it were their money. At seven years old, all he wants is some toys and some more playstation 2 games, but his family pressures him in to doing something with the money that THEY would do if they were in the position, and they make the kid look stupid for his decision.

Call him stupid or not, it is his money, he can do what he wants with it.

I think you are at the point where you dont DESPERATELY NEED women anymore, and that is great! But you hear all these thoughts in your head, which came from others, about what you SHOULD have done.

If you like her than great, if not, dont worry about it.

Like Anti-Dump said, a real interested girl will be too scared to approach you, but she will leyt you know shes there, by doing whatever.

You will be fine kid, you are not in fear, just in peace.

 

[Life-Trainee]

I've the same problem. I still live with my folks to save money even though I work professionally. But I have very little privacy at my home so I fear success because I woudn't be able to take the girl to my place.

 

[penguin]

Thank you all for the responses.

I do agree that I don't desperately need a woman. I've seen so many bad things done by them that I no longer think of them as innocent and perfect and all that (I may only be 18 but i've seen enough lol). I still WANT (the right ones), but not need. Even if the right one came along, it would be much easier to be rejected than accepted. Rejection is 'no' 'ok bye'. Done. WHereas acceptance would be "ah crap, what do i do, what do i say, umm... am I supposed to ask for a number now? uh, how's this gonna continue? ****, i'm lost"

I also think Qmanchoo makes a very good point. It may be the social side i'm not sure of, because you are right, I don't have much conversational experience with women at all. I mean, I do still want the end result (with the right one of course, of my choosing). Perhaps it actually is the social side of success that worries me. After all, I really don't have much experience with it.

Anyway thank you for all responses. I most likely need to become more socially comfortable before I try DJ stuff. Have to crawl before I walk. Maybe i'm just trying to run without knowing I even have legs

 

[JT47319]

It's still fear of rejection.

But instead of fear of rejection from the opener, it's fear from being rejected because of being a poor kisser, being poor at rapport, being poort at sexuality, etc.

You only have one part of the fear down, you've got tons more to work on.

 

[Reed247]

expect rejection

best advice I was told by my father was
EXPECT REJECTION (from women)
other wise you get hurt over and over and take it personaly. Women get scared.
Women are not men, they are fragile creatures, if some crazy a-hole runs up to her on the street she is going to turn him down and walk away.


The best way is to meet girls through other people not strangers...or as strangers.

expect 9 out of 10 to reject you a week, hey, 1 date a week right?

 

[Reed247]

BTW

I see a therapist also, it helps. But hey, I live in NYC can you blame me?

 

[PRMoon]

That's not fear of sucess. I have fear of sucess... or rather serious commitment and all the obligations that comes with it.

But that's another thread, you were just being anti-social and weird. I agree with the other DJ that said working on your ability to socialize should be your primary focus. You were being socialy deviant for some unknown reason.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Re: BTW

Originally posted by Reed247
I see a therapist also, it helps. But hey, I live in NYC can you blame me?

DJ Reed, my counsel is free and morei nsightful than the counsel which you seek - how muich should I charge!!

You don't need a therapist - what you need is to adhere to your nature as a man!!!