FantasPT Journal

[FantasPT]

This is a journal that I'm starting to write, because I have some problems and everybody tells me that I need to talk with someone, but I don't have the courage to expose myself to the people I know....at least for now.

Every critics and comments are welcome.


22/02/2013
I feel and I know that has time passes, I am more alone, and that the little I had disappeared and that in the end I never had anything.

When I try to build something, I can't finish it or I get to a point that I cannot continue because I don't believe in other people.

Maybe its the price to pay for having learned to early too much about one part of life and that other people aren't good.

My father told me today that a boy my age shouldn't know what I know, shouldn't pass through this stuff, but that if it contributes for my evolution has a better prepared person for today's society, that it isn't too bad, I agree with the evolution part.

He tells me many times that in the middle of all the people that are bad, theres is good people, they aren't many but they exits.
I diseagree, I cannot believe this.
Nobody is good, nobody is trustwhorty!!!

Maybe I'm wrong, but this is what I'm becoming, this what all the disapointments and bad experiences I had are shaping me.

Has time goes by I am becoming more cold, relentless, insensitive and my rage and the need to unload it are growing.

Some times I feel like I'm going to explode, the moments of pure rage are starting to happen again...I don't like them and they make me have some fear of myself and of what can happen...

Today I started to write these...lets call them notes, so that I finally can talk to some one, even if it's with an notebook.

I also started to learn two new languages that I always wanted to learn, so that I can improve myself.

Now I know Portuguese, English and I'm starting to learn Italian and Russian.

 

[FantasPT]

26/02/2013

So these past few days where different and strange, I feel bad inside, I'm still too shy to talk with girls at school, my big problem is that I still think too much about what they will think of me.

I still have many rage, I don't talk with anyone anymore, I spend intervals with the person that I still think it is my friend (Nuno) and with another guy that is a friend of him, I don't talk too much with Nuno anymore, we just sit at a table and we stay there, some times he or his friend talk about things with me, but I just don't say anything anymore, the need to talk with others is disappearing slowly.

Classes are boring and I'm alone in my class, I don't like the other people that are in my class, Nuno failed the eight year and I passed to the ninth (Yes I'm 18 and I'm still in the ninth grade but I never failed any, it was another situation, maybe I'll put it here some day), so I'm all alone, some girl named Maria says that she is my friend either I like it or not, and she tried many times to talk with me, then on Wednesday I started talking with her, I had a crush on her, but I didn't had the courage to do something about it, mostly because I was fat, I weighed 111Kg, now I have only 84Kg (I'm 1.82cm tall so it's a fine weight) and I'm starting to have muscle because of my workouts, I can't do much more because I don't have money for a gym, so the results come slow, then I liked another girl and many things happened, that other girl was the reason I came to this forum, I think that deep down I never stopped liking Maria, I think even when I got interested in that other girl, I still liked Maria, so now I'm starting to talk with her and I'm seeing if I can evolve our relationship to upper level, or at least build one, because we never had anything, not even friendship (it was my fault), but still I'm not putting effort into this, because I have problems that are more important, what needs to happen will happen, and what will be mine will come to me.

Nuno says that it's good that I try to have a relationship with Maria, I think that too, but its like I seed, I'm not putting effort into it.

Sometimes I talk with her in facebook but I don't know how to interpret her reactions to what I say to her, so basically I just say what comes to my head to try and handle the conversation in the best way I can.

I feel that this shyness of mine is holding me back, I could have like almost all the hot girls in my school like the Brazilian ones and because of the shyness I don't do anything.

Every day from Sunday to Friday I workout, I do some exercises to workout my abs and legs, and exercises to workout my arms, chest and shoulder's.

I think the only reason that makes me go to school right now is my father, if it wasn't for him, I would stay at home.

 

[Nino-Tk]

Mate, you sound down as hell, in the state that you're in, I wouldn't even recommend trying to get chicks just yet.

You aren't gonna attract any women with that vibe, and even if you do, the chicks will probably be needy as hell.

Work on yourself first, what do you like doing? Perhaps any hobbies that make you happy regardless of any validation you might or might not receive for doing it?
Why do you have rage? Ask yourself and deal with it.
Why don't you talk to people anymore? Is it anxiety or apathy? Question yourself and find out the root causes.

You are you own worst enemy.

 

[FantasPT]

I like playing games, drawing, and working out.
I play a lot, playing games is the hobbie that makes me always happy.
I know a part of why I have rage and I'm really trying to deal with it.
I don't talk with people because I think that they just gonna try to hurt me and push me down and yes I have some anxiety problems.

Thanks for your comment.

 

[Nino-Tk]

Okay, like you, I played games for most of my life, thing is, I will take a guess and say that you are probably playing these games all alone, with no social contact. Try to cut down on games bro, they are fantasy. I'm not saying don't play at all, just limit it.

Well, like I said, you are your own worst enemy. If you always have that view that people are gonna hurt you, then you will filter out even the most innocent of acts as malicious. What caused you to stop talking to people? Did you have a traumatic experience? I don't know, but if so, address that and take small steps towards diminishing your anxieties.

 

[FantasPT]

Few day's ago I started to play less, I think I started to feel that the reality in games isn't enough.
Now I sleep a lot.

The thing that started all my problems was my mother, she used me to hurt my father, she would never let me see him, I would be with my father when I could, she abandoned me, she never showed me some mothers love, not even once, after she abandoned me when I was nine I stayed with my father, but because my mother was legally in charge of me, my father couldn't get my school records and I couldn't enter any school, this was the reason that made me get fat, because for three years and some months I was at home, I didn't know anyone and I didn't do any sport or workouts, but after three years and some months some private school finally accepted me, now I go to public school near my home, I started to loose weight and to build up muscle because I didn't liked my body and I needed to build self-confidence, after my mother abandoned me, my father didn't told me any fantasy, I told me exactly why my mother left, and I taught me everything he knows about life from that moment on, he taught me that people aren't good, that they always try to f**k other peoples life, and that they will use me if they can and then throw me away, but that in the middle of these people there are the ones that become my friends because they want to be with me, but I don't know, I think that from my experience with my mother and from what my father taught me, I made my own version of this, where no one is good, I trusted my mother and I got screwed...

My rage started to build up with my mother, in the private school, every situation that happened, like someone messing with me, I would release rage, and fight the guy or something like that, but some day I was really in rage and felling bad, and some kid, passed through me and made something to mess with me, he was just playing, in a normal day I would go after him and do the same thing he did to me, but that day changed my life in a way, I chased the kid and I started to beat him up, I was punching him and kicking, and the kid was just on the floor trying to protect in self, luckily some guys that where playing soccer and some janitor came to hold me and take the kid away, from that day on I decided to contain my rage and just ignore situations and that I would never beat up a kid that young, he was like 10 years old and I was thirteen, I don't beat kids that go from ages of 10 to thirteen, the ones that go from fourteen and up are old enough to learn not to mess with older people and that there are consequences to our acts, but like I was saying, I just started to ignore situations and build up rage, and I didn't talk about then with anyone, and I still don't talk with people about situations, I ignore situations like someone messing with me, but I don't let them do what they want from me, I am very aggressive, and that make people fear me and be careful with what they do.

Only the ones that hang out with me like Nuno and Moreira, are more playful with me, and know the limits, but Moreira still fears me, Nuno is more my age, is going to be seventeen and me and him are good friends so he doesn't fear me, and he doesn't need to.

27/02/2013
So today I went to school, but I'm starting to go late to classes, I don't have any thing that motivates me to go early to then.
When classes end for the day I used to go with Moreira ( a guy from my class that is kinda my friend, he something that made me stop talking with him or being with him) he would go to the bus stop and I would stay there talking with him, and them I would go home. Now when classes end, I just stay like 15 to 20 minutes at the school gate, watching other people, and their behavior, he still call's me to go with him but I tell him to go without me, he goes with other people from our class, that is one of the reasons I stopped going with him.
Today I did that and I saw all of those kids that have go from ages of 13 to 15, acting like they are adults, and with was funny but sad because, those kids will grow and become problems in our society except for one or two of them.
Then I left, on my way home I passed by Maria and Moreira, and some other girl (by the way, Maria is in my class too), Maria talked with me, but I just kept walking and looking forward.
I got home, and slept for three hours, got up and now I an on the internet.
Later I'll maybe do some homework, and I'm gonna play some Burnout Paradise.
Before I go to sleep I'll do my usual workout.

One of my favorite pass times now is to irritate some guy from my class on his ask.fm, its funny, he thinks is strong and that he scares everyone, but I know that if he found out that, it was me doing this, he would run to some place far away to hide from me. This is the guy http://img2.ask.fm/assets/087/758/297/normal/542139_557702684258264_1920244373_n.jpg.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

I think you need to realize that your reality is inherently wrong and detrimental.

People, most of us, aren't out to get you. Everyone isn't bad. Why the fvck would you even come to this forum and say those words. You are aware that it is completely irrational to say that with even just the existence of this forum alone.

However, if you act pissed off at me, I might not be much but peeved about you. If you act pissed of at most other people, they will retaliate with being mean to you. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy where people will enact your beliefs. Basically, you're fvcking yourself over.

Sure, it might be inherently caused by your mother and father (yes your father instilled beliefs in you that are false and detrimental). However, you cannot blame them for something that is of your creation at the present moment.

Check out Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins. Should help a lot with understanding how your character forms and how you can change favourably.

 

[FantasPT]

I think I see what you say, and you aren't the first one to tell me some parts of what you said.

I think the biggest problem is that I am this way for several years, and my personality was built around the stuff I learned and the way I interpreted things.

I'm trying to socialize more with people but it isn't going well, but it's normal, I need to put some time into this and let things roll.

It's difficult to change what I was for so many years, but today was the first day, I need to learn to control myself better, I need to learn to control my reactions better.

Its like Nino-Tk said - I am my worst enemy.

 

[FantasPT]

01/03/2013
So today I decided to start changing my attitude toward other people, but not completely, because I'm still me.

In Thursday night I talked with Maria in Facebook, things went well (I think), in Friday things advanced well at school with her, she did many things to get my attention all day, it was good progress, but like I said, I'm not putting effort into this because I still have more important things to solve.

Classes were very boring, but today I felt good, I felt happy, I don't know why, but I just did, so classes passed fast.

I socialized very much with Nuno and is friend João.

I think things went well today, I didn't do many things, so I can't tell very much.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Sure, it might be inherently caused by your mother and father (yes your father instilled beliefs in you that are false and detrimental). However, you cannot blame them for something that is of your creation at the present moment.

^^This is point #1. When you are unhappy, realize you are unhappy NOW. Change your mind, decide to be happy NOW. (Not in the future, and don't blame your past, be happy NOW)

Point #2: Start meeting new girls! You HAVE to go up to girls you don't know and talk to them.

This goes for all new members: The only successful journals on this site are from people that actually talked to girls. I had one of the least successful journals among the old-heads and I still changed my whole life. The key was that I went to the mall and tried to talk to girls (even if I pussied out and didn't say hi to anyone, I went back the next day).

When you talk to new girls, your whole life can begin to change. Go meet them!

 

[FantasPT]

For some time now I didn't come here, I'm getting a little bored of my life, I just watch other people getting what they want, and they don't even need to try hard to get them, and I'm not getting anything, I try hard and in the end I just lose everything.
Girls, stuff I want like clothes or games, for me trying to get new things proves to be a failure.
I need to find a way to change my mentality, I just need it...

Read this and you will see how my mentality was some months ago.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=200009

From the time I wrote that, to now, I changed a lot, but I still need to change more.

07/03/2013
Today everything was a little different, in the morning I missed the first class that was from 08:15am to 09:45am, and the first half of the second one that was from 10:00am to 10:45am, because I needed to go to the bank to open my first account, I went to school but I didn't go to the second half of the second class.

While I was at school during the second half, I encountered João and some other guys from is class, I stayed with them and passed some time with in, Nuno didn't go to school today, in the afternoon I went to school but I didn't go to class.

In the end of the class (that I didn't go to) I just stayed like 30 minutes at the school gate, watching people, watching the things around me.

Don't know whats happening to me, I think I need a fresh start, or I need something new in my life...don't know what but I need it...

 

[FantasPT]

09/06/2013
Okay many things have happened, but I'm just gonna make a short thing.

Changed my life in many things, lost weight, and with that some of my muscle mass, getting lazy at working out, but I need to get back to it, to regain what I lost and to continue my body evolution.

Decided to go for this girl from my class, she's my age, she entered my class in the beginning of the 9 grade in September, we are very good friends, and for no reaso I started to get interested in her in the last couple of months, talked with a friend of mine about that that also is a friend of her, he told me that if I really like her to go get her, that it doesn't mater if she has a boyfriend or not, and if I think that she is worth it, for me to go and try, and he gave e an example, for me to imagine that there is a job that as a salary of 5000€ and that there is only two candidates, me and some other guy, and that guy as a suit and is all arranged, would I give up or would I fight for that job.

I told her that I'm getting interested in her, things continue to advance.

I'm going to put here some part of another post I did regarding this:

To read my full post just click - Need Some Guidance

"We are close, out of school I'm the one that some times text's her and in school in some class's (the ones that we can do this) she asks me to sit next to her, she talks to me, play's a little with me (if were close to each other she star's messing around like playing with my hair or ears, etc...) when we are together in class's I play a lot with her, I hold her hand things like that, some times when I play with her nose or something like that, she tells me to stop but I continue doing it and she lets me, some times I kiss her in the face (I really need some help with noticing when a girl want's me to kiss her because I don't really get those signs, I'm really a loser in noticing signs like when a girl is interested or wants me to do something more), then she just puts her head and body against me (I don't know if I'm expressing this part in the right way), she knows that I'm interested in her."

Even after what NorwegianDJ told me, I don't know i want to try, who knows, maybe I can get this right.

I'm going to fail the 9 grade because of Mat, but I may have a chance to make some exams in September and maybe in those exams I can get positives in the class's besides Mat that I have negative, they are only two, so no biggie, if not, well next year I have more 9 grade x/

 

[Nino-Tk]

One of the greatest quotes I've read is "If you think you can kiss a girl, you probably could have ten minutes ago" it was by Mark Manson if I'm not mistaken. Don't wait for signals and indicators, because you are going to wait for a really long time. As soon as you want to, do it. Mid conversation? Do it. While you two are silent? Do it. She is laughing? Do it. Point is, as soon as the feeling hits, don't mind if the moment is right or wrong, follow that passion and kiss her!

 

[FantasPT]

One of the greatest quotes I've read is "If you think you can kiss a girl, you probably could have ten minutes ago" it was by Mark Manson if I'm not mistaken. Don't wait for signals and indicators, because you are going to wait for a really long time. As soon as you want to, do it. Mid conversation? Do it. While you two are silent? Do it. She is laughing? Do it. Point is, as soon as the feeling hits, don't mind if the moment is right or wrong, follow that passion and kiss her!

My real problem is that I think too much about what will happen next, and if the girls rejects me what will she start thinking of me.

But I'm starting to let those thoughts go away and starting to think more as action kind of guy, like, fvck what she will think of me.

And in the end its all about getting the hang of it, practice makes perfect, and I need to start doing it

 

[LearningSlowly]

Study hard for the exams. Don't fail school man, that should be your first priority.

 

[FantasPT]

Study hard for the exams. Don't fail school man, that should be your first priority.

I know, it's going to be hard, but I'm going to try everything to pass this, I'm going to study like I never did before, I don't want to be stuck in the 9 grade again next year, and I need this to take my driver's license and to be able to apply for better jobs.

I'm going to study, if I fail this at least I want to be good with myself by knowing that I did everything I could to try and pass school.

11/06/2013

So now I'm not really having classes, I just have LP class once per day from Tuesday to Friday, and I have Mat Class on Wednesday and Friday, It's preparation classes for the exams for the exams of these classes, because these are the ones that really count.

Today I talked with my Chemistry teacher and she said that my case is going to be discussed in the students council (In Portugal students council is a reunion between teachers where they discuss grades, students, if they are going to give a chance to student to go to the exams for example), and she also told me that maybe, she will give me a 3 so that I can go to the exams with a positive on her class and I just have to study hard to maintain or elevate my grade in Chemistry.

Grades in Portugal from the 5 grade to the 9 grade are given by numbers from 1 to 5, where 1 is the lowest and 5 is the highest, 5 is the student who scores from 86% to 100% in all tests, and the 1 is the student who never comes to classes.

Chemistry is the class where I only got one positive in one test in the whole year, but even if I get a 2 I'm going to study hard to get a 4 in the exams so that I can get positive in Chemistry.

The reason why I get negative in Mathematics its because I skipped one year, I just passed from the 5 grade to the 6 grade, because I was 15 and I was bored, and by doing that I changed teacher and I entered in the end of the school year, so I kinda lost Mat, but then on the 8 grade I started to get the hang of it but I lost it again and I became lazy at this class, because if I really put my head into this I can regain everything I lost at Mat.

I live in Lisboa right now but because of some personal problems between my dad and my stepmother, me and my dad have to move to another, place and probably I'm going to a village near Lousã, it's so far away from Lisboa, and I don't wanna go there with the 9 grade unfinished, because if that happens I'm not going to go to a school in that place, I can't take school anymore, I'm tired of the school life, it's boring, and if it's boring in a city then I can imagine in a village. :yawn: and the biggest problem is that me and my dad need to find a job, my dad lost is job and we need money to survive after we move, money to pay the rent, to pay the bills, etc...

Today I texted a girl that I sometimes talk with, I consider her a friend, she's hot, and I just teased her a little, she was the one who got my number through a friend of mine, I consider her a friend but like I said she's hot and who knows if this time I can get it right, but I'm a little confused, because there's also another girl that I talk with, she's Brazilian, very hot, and I don't know which one should I try out to get, maybe I'm going to continue teasing the Portuguese one, and try to get the one from Brazil, the one from Brazil is hotter. Yeah I think I'm going to do that.

But right now I'm going to try to pass school, I really need this to advance my life.

 

[FantasPT]

13/06/2013

So today things went smooth at school, besides the fact that now I have to go there to have one class and today I went to early to school, stayed there more than one hour doing nothing, went well at school, I think, with the Portuguese girl, I'm going to call her Sop in here, she messed around with me in school, I had an opportunity to make a move but I wasted it (shame on me x/) next time it wont happen, It shouldn't had happen now.

The other girl that I'm really interested, but that has a boyfriend, yesterday she responded on facebook, in the chat to something that I had send her in Saturday, she told that she had problems with her computer and that she would only be able to see then this week, I don't know if its true and I don't really care, that she asked me too, she wanted to see some pictures from when I was younger, she saw then yesterday, she responded, I didn't say anything, then she messaged me in the chat after 2 hours, and I didn't say anything, but today I responded, I'll post the conversation here:

Yesterday - Her - You were so cute, now you're Panda Troll
I didn't respond
Two hours later - her - cutxi cuuuuuuuuuuuuutxiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I didn't respond

Today - Me - hmmmm
Is everything well with you?
Why havent you come to school in these days?
One hour later - Her - Yes and is everything well with you? I've been lazy
Two hours later - Her - Tommorrow its an holiday?
Me - Yes
Her - Thank you! Is everything well with you?
Me - Yes
Her -

Update - She messaged me at facebook right now, I don't know if I'm getting annoyed or if I'm liking the way I'm making her giving me attention.

Apart from this, it all went normal, but I received a great news, I have a project related to video games, a while ago I was invited to an event about a game, where there would be two of the developers that participated on the development of the game, I interviewed one of then, did an report of the event, received a press kit with information regarding the game and received some gifts, and today I received an email telling me that they had one game available to give me, and asking me my address, I felt happy, in a way that I think I never felt before, I can't really remember the last time I felt happy, it was good, finally my project starts giving some rewards for my work.

 

[FantasPT]

14/06/2013

I didn't felt like going to the LP class today so I just slept until 3pm, and then I went to the Internet, did somethings on my blog, went to facebook, and around 5pm went out, on my way back I stopped at school to see if the grades where released today and to see if the schedule for the mat classes from next week where released, but they weren't and the guy at school told me to check it on Monday.

Then I just went home, and did some internet and played some games.

Talked with Nuno today on the mobile, maybe I'll meet up with in after the exams are over, that should be on July, I think.

It was a very lazy day :/

 

[Watawata]

A fellow portuguese DJ! Deixo aqui uma sugestão, exprimenta ler um destes livros:
Desperte o seu gigante interior
O poder do Agora

Podes sacá-los na net facilmente. Penso que te vão ajudar bastante a melhorar com mulheres e com a vida em geral, tal como tambem me ajudam a mim. Tambem recomendo ver algums videos da RSD. https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDTyler Tudo isso ajuda a desenvolver novos mindsets, que ajudam a criar novos hábitos.

E já agora, por acaso nao es benfiquista, certo?

 

[FantasPT]

A fellow portuguese DJ! Deixo aqui uma sugestão, exprimenta ler um destes livros:
Desperte o seu gigante interior
O poder do Agora

Podes sacá-los na net facilmente. Penso que te vão ajudar bastante a melhorar com mulheres e com a vida em geral, tal como tambem me ajudam a mim. Tambem recomendo ver algums videos da RSD. https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDTyler Tudo isso ajuda a desenvolver novos mindsets, que ajudam a criar novos hábitos.

E já agora, por acaso nao es benfiquista, certo?

Aqui fala-se muito desses livros, mas ainda não arranjei nenhum, tenho de ver se saco e leio, devem de ser excelentes, toda a gente aqui fala deles xD

Era do Sporting até à pouco tempo, mas depois do que começou a aconteçer, eu retirei-me do futebol, Sporting caiu mesmo e já não acredito que se levante.

Neste momento eu já nem vejo jogos de futebol, só costumo é jogar uma vez ou outra umas partidas com uns amigos, mas de resto, isto já anda tudo muito esquezito, o Porto é a coisa do Pinto da Costa, o Benfica é as bacuradas do Jorge Jesus e o Sporting nem vou comentar que é melhor...