Failing at Match.com

[AbsolutBeirut]

Now I only want to hear responses from those that believe in online dating and have actually gotten results. Otherwise bugger off. About me, I actually go out whenever I can but dont do as well as Id like. Nevertheless, its less sad than my results with online dating sites. Started out trying my luck with MySpace, friending girls here and there but most were on it just to connect with their friends. After discovering the amount of hot girls on Match, decided to sign up. Have read about what to do and not to do and even attended a free seminar on it. My profile is the revision of 35 drafts, so it is at least better than all the ones before it. The pics I put up at least get a 8 rating on hotornot. OK, so that got me 2 winks in 2 months that have passed. None of them were pretty enough for me to pursue further. As for the ones I liked, I sent them an email commenting about something in their profiles. Id say that at least 50% would respond back, others would just ignore. As for the ones that respond, I always get my material from that response. It goes on and on and somewhere along the way I got to leverage the interaction. I've tried suggesting meeting up without AIMing first, never heard back. AIM I hate cuz its all talk that would have been better said face to face. I never got anywhere there either. The only common denominator is that sometime they'll stop responding to my emails or messages. Pathetically I would send a 2nd email to save face, it more often than not backfires. What I hate about it is that I hear about a lot of guys gaining so much from online dating which I nothing. It has gotten me so obsessive lately, constantly checking my email to check if the girl responded or not. Im doing it as we speak. What the hell am I doing wrong? is there a remedy to this?

 

[mahon83050]

Sorry, I could not resist. I did online dating a few years back and did get some dates out of it. Online dating is FOR LOSERS who hide behind a computer to meet chicks, instead of doing it the traditional way.

IMHO, any chick who is atleast cute is going to get tons and tons of e-mails from guys daily.

 

[Interceptor]

What are your interactions like?
Do you think you're coming off as insecure or needy?
What kinds of questions (if at all) do the women ask you?
My hunch is you're losing them in your convo. They're getting bad signals and are opting out.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

What are your interactions like?
Do you think you're coming off as insecure or needy?
What kinds of questions (if at all) do the women ask you?
My hunch is you're losing them in your convo. They're getting bad signals and are opting out.

I agree. Unless you're a teenager on MySpace you'd need more than just a good picture. You have to show that you have confidence, charisma and character to not only get their attention but to pique their interest.

This is where a lot of guys fall short online, they need the extra feedback of being face to face with a woman in order to reaction to what she says or does. You don't have that luxury online, you need to be dynamic enough to control the interaction from the very beginning and not rely on waiting on her to make the first move.

The competition is fierce online and women don't need to make the first move. If a guy isn't willing (or able) to to grab her attention and hold her interest quickly, another guy will.

 

[AbsolutBeirut]

OK so here's a sample of one interaction:

here's what I said:

"As far as I can tell you like to party and drink a lot...you dont say much about you in your profile."

she replied almost the next day with:

"um I cant tell if you are interested or what?? I do like to drink..im not a huge partier, but i do once and awhile. I dont say much in my profile for a reason. I'd rather talk to someone in person about me. ask what you want to know..."

to which I say:

"I usually prefer my girls blue-eyed but Im willing to give u an exception. Totally agree, much rather talk over a cup of coffee than online."

note here that she has brown eyes and it says so in her screenname. Now I took my time to send this response.

No reply from her and a week has passed. Because I wasnt getting anywhere with other girls I was hitting on, I started to get desperate and threw in this pitiful message:

"sorry if I caught u on a wrong note. Perhaps youd like to know me better, my s/n is XXXXX if youd like to chat sometime."

Now ignoring the last message I sent out, were my chances blown before that?

 

[Phyzzle]

Now ignoring the last message I sent out, were my chances blown before that?

Yes. The 1st sentence was insulting.

 

[AbsolutBeirut]

Perhaps I am confused from the advice Ive been getting to be ****y and funny. How can I have said it better?

 

[ToughLove]

DONT BE ****Y AND FUNNY ON MESSAGES

get her screen name, get her #, and thats that

use myspace, nothing else

dont be an idiot and argue with me here, I have dozens of good looking girls I have fvcked that I met from myspace in the last 2 years

MYSPACe, got it? not match.com, but MYSPACE!

 

[Interceptor]

That interaction was horrible, man. Horrid.

You sound condescending , like you're judging her.
"Well, you look like a slvtty party girl who just likes to go out to bars and get high."

That's how she interpreted it.

Second. She states she doesn't give out all her info, becasue, DUH...like a woman she wants to be explored. She wants you to find the connection. SHe wants you to peel the layers. If you're really interested in her, she figures you'll put forth the effort anyway. That's why she said for you to ask her the 'specific' questions, dude. She is also stating that she prefers face to face interactions. She doesn't want poseurs, orkeyboard Casanovas to bother her. For all we know, she may be getting 50 to 100 emails per day, dude.
Think about it.

You're comment on the "blue eyed girls" but "willing to make an exceptin" killed it right there. First, you thought it conveyed dominance, and power.
But to her, since she doesn't know jacksh*t about you, it really conveyed AFC "I'm trying to act C+F!Please don't find me out!! I'm really not that confident, ****y, or funny!!" She saw through it. And she wasn't impressed.


You put the proverbial nail in the coffin when you sent the last email, confirming to her that you were NOT confident, or naturally C+F, and did come off desperate.

Yeah, my hunch was right.My initial assessment was correct abou tyour success rate here.
You need to work on your self esteem. Your true value. And learn to accept yourself, even without a woman.
Men who need women to validate them are AFCs.
Don't give power to women to validate you. They don't want it. And won't want you in the process.
You need to develop true confidence, self esteem, and true internal validation.
It's not the easiest thing in the world.
Get rid of the desperation. (look up Pook's post on that)
And get rid of the Scarcity Complex.

Your LIFE will not get TRULY "better" with a woman. You will realzie she's just a part of your life. Because once you get the initial validation, you will still feel unhappy and uncomfortable in your own skin. Somethinhg will always be just "not right". And you wil eventually get more and more needy, and she will eventually get more and more distant.
nd the cycle repeats itself ad nauseum.
Avoid the Infinity Gauntlet (read Victory Unlimited's post on that too)


So work through these things.

There is no alternative.
Well, you're choices are...keep failing. OR...

Learn to accept yourself, and learn to heal yourself, and learn to improve yourself.
Do not look to women for validation. They will rarely give it to you. True, there are some women who may realize your true potential. But that's a rare gem.

You will probably relying more on luck than anything.

Learn to exhude your true self from inside.
It has to be this way.
There really is no better way.
It's the harder road.
The road less traveled...

but you WILL find the happiness and peace you seek in that road.

 

[cordoncordon]

Yeah those emails to her were horrid dude. Just really bad. You sounded like an arrogant prick. Not saying you are, just how you sounded. Very insulting to say the least.

Your opening emails should tell them about yourself, things you like do to, etc. And ask them about themselves and go from there.

 

[AbsolutBeirut]

I dont know about MySpace, Ive found that all the good ones have privatized their profiles and its hard to come up with something clever based on seeing only her main pic. While we are still on the topic id like to ask if it online dating has to follow the linear path of msg then IM then # then meetup, is it possible to jump directly to meeting up or do we have to go thru this BS?

 

[AbsolutBeirut]

Interceptor!!! youve truly intercepted the root of my problems: needing too much validation

You will probably relying more on luck than anything.

I gotta admit that I was never sure of myself.

Sigh, still more work to do on myself. I needed the tough love, appreciate it bro.

 

[ToughLove]

I dont know about MySpace, Ive found that all the good ones have privatized their profiles and its hard to come up with something clever based on seeing only her main pic. While we are still on the topic id like to ask if it online dating has to follow the linear path of msg then IM then # then meetup, is it possible to jump directly to meeting up or do we have to go thru this BS?

its not BS, its called "get to know the girl and make her comfortable enough to meet up" - thats how it works online

easier to just go outside and say hi to a girl without all the messaging huh???

but otherwise, yea its linear online

msg to IM to # to call to meet up

 

[ReeHumphrey]

Honestly, and I'm sure most of the guys here already got the message across, and many DJs will agree, you'll gain more experience in this planned awkward situation called dating if you do it outside of the internet. It's more frightening, and it'll get you all nervous, but if you don't physically step over that boundary, you're sure as hell won't be finding out how do socialize with women on the net. Not only are places like Match.com filled with fakes, the instant messaging and e-mails are hard to interpret, be it sarcasm, dislike, or indications of interest.

You can find out so much about a woman within the first few minutes you talk to her, and you can sure as hell bail out of the situation as fast as you started the conversation with her. Save yourself effort and time by meeting women physically, and use the internet for more productive purposes (i.e. prons)

 

[ToughLove]

me personally i went out 3 times a week to clubs between the ages of 18-21 over and over and over and it has gotten lame and boring, ive actually been doing the myspace thing the last 2 years and its payed off with ALOT of *****