Failed at playing it cool, now in the FZ?

[AngloAlias]

After reading through many insightful posts, thought I'd sign up and try and get some advice. Sorry it's fairly long. I can sum up the main questions I have without the specifics; is it common to go from hooking up with someone to just friends, even when the person in question has said she was worried she'd get attached + that she liked me a lot + thought I was really cute.

Brief background; I'm a UK student, and I've been hooking up with this HB8 American chick since around halloween.. Now it's very obvious things are done differently at university in the states, far more casual, and it's also pretty clear this girl has been around (she's admitted it).

Anyway it was made clear that it's no strings from the start, the second time we hooked up she said she didn't want to be just a random hook up and that she was worried she'd get attached, but i'm pretty sure that hasn't happened.

After we hooked up the first time I found out she'd just broken up with her bf back home who she's been in a LT LDR with for a while (I do pity the guy) but it was obvious from that start that there were still feelings. She's relentlessly bbming him and they got back together towards the end of term (mid December). He forbade her from coming to a party out of town with me and after much agonising she gave in to his request. I persuaded her to come back to my place a couple of days later to smoke up and she slept in my bed but nothing happened (a first). Nevertheless when I was at the party she was wasted telling me to get back and go see her.

So to get to the point (sorry for rambling); when I did get back on the eve of her flight back to the US we went for food and then back to hers. I wanted to get wasted and have some fun but she was intent on remaining obstinately sober. Her bf was harassing her to skype him, so she did and I remained around the corner on the bed wondering wtf I was still doing there trying not to listen to the cringe convo. Anyway he cracked a joke about me, asking her why I wasn't there to make sure she didn't miss her flight. When she got off skype I was kinda pissed and asked her about it and told her to lay sh.it out for me, said I wasn't in the market for a new best friend and she should know hooking up is gonna be on my mind. She was startled and said 'I can't believe you think I'm that kind of girl' (she is), and 'I'm probably not gonna hook up with you any more' due to the boyfriend.

Fair enough. I realised I'd slipped up and made up some rubbish about feeling guilty about her boyfriend, she said she was single every time (don't think this was true the last time, but whatever) and that she should've made that clear....

So she left on good terms anyway, and with her away for 4 weeks I decided to forget about her. It was a weird situation with the BF anyway. However, she was still bbming me constantly and we've been talking daily, at length. It's not been especially flirtatious but it never was (she's kinda shy) except for when she was wasted..

I'm just trying to work out if I'm strictly in the FZ now or what. I was never friends with this girl before. She's said she misses hanging out with me; is that a FZ flag or code for she misses me? Also her bf is on the other side of the country to her, but she's spent the past 5 days with him (I didn't expect to hear from her at all during this period) and she's still been bbming me (although far less frequently).

I mean she said she probably wasn't gonna hook up with me anymore.. Sounds straightforward enough but note the probably + the fact she was totally startled.. Or is that clutching at straws hahaha?

I wanna keep hooking up with her (she's hot, american, southern - big perks from a UK perspective + the sex is amazing) but if I'm wasting my time I'd rather know.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

First thing first, yes you fudged up a bit, its good that you recognize that and caught yourself slipping.

Secondly, when two people enter a fuvk buddy arrangement it NEVER works out that way because as your finding out one person ALWAYS catches feelings because of the time spent together.

On to your question; you are NOT in the friend zone with this chick. The fact that she's still messaging you when she's with him should tell you all you need to know.

However, YOU should start distancing yourself a bit, girls always think the worst when they don't know what your up to. So for example, still message her back when she BBM's you, but sometimes don't respond right away.

In other words you want to frame yourself as the prize, because when you slipped you were chasing her, which is always an attraction killer. What she likes about you aside from the physical is the fact that you are not a chump like her bf, but if you start acting like one she will walk.

The good news is the door is still open, so forget that you slipped, just go back to doing what you were doing before.

Guys, new guys that is, have the bad habit of reading too much into a girl's words. One of the first lesson's you will learn as you become a master at seduction is to NEVER listen to what a girl says, just watch what she does for her true intent.

Here its clear, your on her mind and she wants you, so don't complicate things by asking her what you are, getting jealous etc. That's a woman's job and believe me, if you start pulling away a tad, start meeting new women, she will start chasing YOU and using every trick in her book to get your attention back.



PIMP

 

[AngloAlias]

First thing first, yes you fudged up a bit, its good that you recognize that and caught yourself slipping.

Secondly, when two people enter a fuvk buddy arrangement it NEVER works out that way because as your finding out one person ALWAYS catches feelings because of the time spent together.

On to your question; you are NOT in the friend zone with this chick. The fact that she's still messaging you when she's with him should tell you all you need to know.

However, YOU should start distancing yourself a bit, girls always think the worst when they don't know what your up to. So for example, still message her back when she BBM's you, but sometimes don't respond right away.

In other words you want to frame yourself as the prize, because when you slipped you were chasing her, which is always an attraction killer. What she likes about you aside from the physical is the fact that you are not a chump like her bf, but if you start acting like one she will walk.

The good news is the door is still open, so forget that you slipped, just go back to doing what you were doing before.

Guys, new guys that is, have the bad habit of reading too much into a girl's words. One of the first lesson's you will learn as you become a master at seduction is to NEVER listen to what a girl says, just watch what she does for her true intent.

Here its clear, your on her mind and she wants you, so don't complicate things by asking her what you are, getting jealous etc. That's a woman's job and believe me, if you start pulling away a tad, start meeting new women, she will start chasing YOU and using every trick in her book to get your attention back.



PIMP

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond in such depth. This is really reassuring and I think some excellent advice. I'll be sure to be less instantaneous with my BBM responses and when she gets back I'll see what she suggests about meeting up, maybe leave it a few days, say I'm busy etc.

Cheers!

 

[Pimp-sicle]

No worries bro.

The key here is understanding how to control your emotions. The simple fact that it drove you a bit crazy when she was talking to her on again off again bf that night should be a big warning sign to you that your getting in too deep wit her.

Whenever this happens its ALWAYS good to pull away for a bit and get your head back on straight. If you find that you can't stop thinking about her when you pull back, then guess what, its clear that

a) you are not talking to other girls or have any other prospects

b) your too emotionally involved and eventually you will slip (which you did)

-------------------------------------

Emotions cloud judgment, unfortunately we are prone to feeling one way or another about someone after spending time with them, but the master's at this all know how to keep their emotions in check.

Your primary goal at this point should be to start going out and meeting new girls, and you will realize this chick isn't as great as you've made her out to be in your mind.

Lastly, never EVER consider a b-itch like this for a relationship, aside from the obvious (she's cheating and obviously lying to her bf), these women tend to be emotionally dead and flat out bad partner's in a relationship. She's fuvk buddy material AT BEST, keep it that way.




PIMP

 

[AngloAlias]

PIMP

Hey, thought I should provide a little update. You were spot on with all of the above. I don't have any other good prospects right now, which is definitely why I'm so eager to keep this one open. Plus this girl is pretty damn hot and we have similar interests, but I'm 100% aware she's not gf material. Her boyfriend is a fool.

Anyway the latest is that she just got back to London this morning. After bearing in mind this thread I've been doing my best to play it cooler, although admittedly could have done more to appear less interested.

As it transpires her best friend from back home (blonde, even more of a ho apparently) is in London for the semester and her accomodation is very near mine. Tonight she asked me what I was doing and said she might go see her + asked if I wanted to hang out (with them both).

I said sorry I can't; have to go and do x (trying not to be too keen, but not too blunt), to which she responded, well go and do x now then come.. So then I just said I wanted to get my **** together academically for monday, but how about tues. 'Hahaha ok' was the response (hardly enthusiastic).

The thing which alarmed me though is when I said 'It's cool she lives so nearby though' and she replied 'Don't become best friends with her!' 'I have to be your fav American' 'My only competition is <random American guy>' 'And I think I'm cooler than him lol'

This could be seen as a good thing, that she seems kinda jealous, right? But would like an external opinion.

I did the right thing saying I wasn't available tonight as well right? Just kinda sucks when I suggested something else she was so non committal. I'm pretty sure she'll want to see me on campus tomorrow, but I'm gonna say I can't, then see what happens on Tuesday.

 

[shyguy32]

Me personally....I woudn't push her away too much! Remember it's a PUSH/PULL method, not a PUSH only!

Just invite her over to your place one night and do it that way! Say I'm studying right now, but why don't you come over later tonight and we'll hang out!

 

[AngloAlias]

Me personally....I woudn't push her away too much! Remember it's a PUSH/PULL method, not a PUSH only!

Just invite her over to your place one night and do it that way! Say I'm studying right now, but why don't you come over later tonight and we'll hang out!

I'm seeing her after class today, she really wants me to meet her friend. I'm pretty sure she's trying to set me up with her, it's fairly strange.

Originally the plan was to eat and then go and chill at her friends or somewhere (for one how is this gonna work with two chicks who are really close as company), then last night she was bbming me and said (paraphrased):

her: 'we're thinking Pacha tomorrow' (this club)
me: 'we're chilling, screw Pacha, it's dire'
her: 'we might go'
me: 'hmm ok well let me know, not a fan of Pacha but down to chill'
her: 'you're still coming dinner either way right'
me: 'i don't think so, if you're going Pacha I need work out some alternate plans'

So yeah after that she got all pissy said she really wanted me to meet her friend and her friend really wanted to meet me. She kept trying to guilt trip me and then eventually she said 'we don't have to go Pacha, we can just go to hers and chill'...I felt guilty, so suggested we meet after class and all go for a drink + eat at a pub. She was on it so that's what's happening. Later in the conversation when we were talking about being noncommittal she randomly said 'You miss me' 'You want to hang out tomorrow' 'Is it working?', don't know what the context/point was, maybe reverse psychology or something, kinda weird anyway, did I miss something?.. And then at like 3am she said

'<Female friend> skyped me, she said she was soooo excited to meet you'
'No lie'
'I didn't even bring it up'
'So you have to come!'

So it looks like I'm being set up with the friend right? I take it because she has a boyfriend and doesn't want to cheat?

In which case should I go for the friend? Some advice would be appreciated, I definitely prefer the original girl, I like brunettes, she fits the bill. Her friend is blonde but still apparently hot. Would going for her ruin my chances with the original girl? I feel like the original girl will inevitably get ****ed up and call me up or will fight with her bf and break up, but can't be sure, who knows what's changed over 4 weeks....

Oh, also they drunk called me up on Sunday night when I said I wasn't around and they were mimicing a comical youtube video which features my name saying I should've come etc etc. I think it's good I'm obviously on her mind, but I'm also wondering if maybe she sees me as her interesting British friend she wants her friend from home to meet, rather than the hot British guy she wants to hook up and spend time with...

 

[runner83]

In which case should I go for the friend? Some advice would be appreciated, I definitely prefer the original girl, I like brunettes, she fits the bill. Her friend is blonde but still apparently hot. Would going for her ruin my chances with the original girl? I feel like the original girl will inevitably get ****ed up and call me up or will fight with her bf and break up, but can't be sure, who knows what's changed over 4 weeks....

Oh, also they drunk called me up on Sunday night when I said I wasn't around and they were mimicing a comical youtube video which features my name saying I should've come etc etc. I think it's good I'm obviously on her mind, but I'm also wondering if maybe she sees me as her interesting British friend she wants her friend from home to meet, rather than the hot British guy she wants to hook up and spend time with...

Girls prefer a guy who they know is completely faithful to them and does not look at, nor is desired by, other girls (not).

Seriously, though, while I am with you on the brunette thing, the original girl has screwed you around, and it appears she is trying to hook you up with her friend.

For the original girl, it appears a no-win proposition, and a little "competition anxiety" will help your cause.

Why not go for it?

 

[Credos]

Why not meet up with the friend and get to know her... Maybe she's hot and fun?

I do find it hard to see the situation you're in though just out of your posts, I guess you'll kinda have to make up your own mind about it. Just remember that people pursue that which retreats from them.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Absence always increases interest PROVIDED the girl had existing interest in you to start off with, which she did and still does.

It does seem like she's trying to set you up with her friend, but at the same time she probably still has interest in you as well.

And to answer your earlier question, yes you are playing it better by making her work off your schedule than the other way around, however as another poster said you don't want to push her away TOO MUCH.

I know you've already been in this situation for a bit, but in the future, when a girl says stuff like:

girl: "did you miss me?"


you should respond in a manner that shows her your the f-in man:


you: "sort of" then laugh

or

you: "not really? then laugh


You get the idea, you want to keep her on an emotional roller coaster which will continue to elevate her interest level. When a guy becomes a girl's pet aka predictable or a "yes man" she will quickly lose interest.

So keep doing what your doing, hang out with her, but not every time she asks. Flirt with her friend a bit and who knows maybe a 3-some is in your future if you play your cards right.

The original girl is still a w-hore and willing to cheat. Don't think she suddenly will not cheat. The fact is that if she doesn't see you as the hot British guy anymore, she will find another guy to cheat with while she's over there.





PIMP

 

[shyguy32]

I'm not sure she wants to hook you up with her friend.

It could be that she wants her friends approval of you and thats why it's so important to meet her friend.

And yeah the whole "miss me" me thing is a little sketchy, but I still think she's digging you and she needs approval! Next time she text you something like "miss me" text back..."ummm who is this, what are you wearing? " with a smiley face of course..haha.

 

[AngloAlias]

Ok time for an update, I'm deviating from the original theme slightly as I had a ridiculous, crazy night. I met up with her after class and we went to meet her friend straight away, then for a drink.

I was flirting with the friend, when I saw her in person I realised she was actually really hot. We then went to get food + more drinks and then to their dorms for more drinks. We ended up pretty wasted and the hot blonde was being really flirtatious kissing my neck and stuff and we ended up making out quite a lot. I don't know what the original girl I like made of it, I don't think she cared, perhaps she expected it, although maybe there was a tinge of jealousy when it was just the three of us and she was making comments about ****blocking.

Anyway from the dorm we were going to go to Pacha (hate the place but was wasted and wanted to stay with the girl). En route they hailed a taxi but there were too many of us and me and the blonde were left together, they said she was too wasted and I should take her home (her accomodation is near to mine). So yeah in the taxi she was literally all over me, I'm amazed by how forward American girls are. She wouldn't tell me where her room was anyway, I was thinking about doing the decent thing and taking her home, but I guess the only option was to go back to my dorms anyway.

This is where sh.it gets weird. We started making out etc etc, her top gets totally ripped in the process (possibly my fault), then after hooking up for a while she gets up with a duvet around her and goes into the corridor, I go out after her with another duvet around my lower body, I think she was looking for the toilet but she's opening the maintenance/cleaning door full of supplies. This girl who lives above walked past giving me the dirtiest look, then she comes back with a couple of guys who find it hilarious. Then she's back in my room saying 'you're full of ****' and kinda hitting me. Then we're making out and hooking up some more and she SCRATCHES me up, all down my back, neck. I kind of remember it happening, but when I got outside and looked I have deep red scratches all over my back, it still stings... So yeah ultimately she just falls asleep, and I'm left thinking wtf just happened.

I was bbming the other original girl when her friend was sleeping and I don't really remember the conversation but she obviously knew what happened, I don't recall her being jealous or anything though. In the morning she came to give me some stuff I left at hers, get her room key and to pick up the blonde. The weird thing is in bed when the blonde girl woke up she was really nice and normal. Luckily it wasn't awkward and she is a really cool girl but evidently a total psycho when wasted. I think the original girl found the situation pretty funny more than anything.

So yeah over the course of the night the girl I'm into wasn't flirting or giving me all that much attention so I don't know. I reckon in the right circumstances we might hook up more, but she's obviously trying to not cheat on her bf.. Obviously she liked me at one point, she said so, and she enjoyed hooking up, it's just the boyfriend situation that's changed things.. Maybe the fact he's specifically threatened by me and suspicious of me means she'd feel even more guilty for doing **** with me and that could reduce my chances. Also I detect some jealousy in that she seems a little worried I'll like her friend more than her..

Anyway final word; I barely slept, missed my classes, am scratched to sh.it, but it was one of those crazy nights so it was worth it. Plus I hooked up with a hot blonde sorority chick, even if she's a psycho, I think it was a successful night.

 

[AngloAlias]

Development: the blonde said to the girl I liked originally that she was blackout and wasn't sure if we had sex but saw condom wrappers and assumed. So the other girl had to find out for her...

Wtf.

She seemed wasted but not blackout. It's not gonna be awkward and I know this is nothing new for this girl but I've always made sure not to take advantage. The fact she was all over me and instigated **** over a prolonged period of time makes me think she was definitely into me, and when she woke up she knew where she was + who with and was fine with the fact she was butt naked.. I don't know whether she's just saying that to the other girl so as to justify it or whether it's genuine.

Plus she was most definitely an active participant in the act.

Very sketchy. I would've hooked up with her again, but now I have doubts about the extent to which she was into me vs it was the alcohol.