Facebook question: to add or not to add

[realsmoothie]

I've got this girl (well, she's 28) who comes into my place of work as a customer. We get along well, I can tell she's into me. After a million years of being a wuss, I'm finally ready to get her out somewhere.

Problem is, I'm not working much and haven't seen her for a month or so. I found her on Facebook, we've got a mutual friend... what do you guys think of me messaging or friending her that way? I'd prefer not to, as it's obviously a last resort, but I figure I can use the excuse of not "seeing her around anymore".

I don't really have much other choice other than to sit around and wait for the random event of her coming into work while I'm both there and up to asking her out.

 

[Die Hard]

Reminds me of my own recent situation with the chick in the clothing store... I've learned from that . Wait until she comes again, even if it takes a long time. Don't focuss on her in your head..because the more you do, the harder it will become to resist the temptation of contacting her on Facebook! Forget about her and just make sure you're ready whenever she enters your work again, no matter when that will be.

 

[amoka]

The worst you can do is to give her the impression that you are "searching" for her online.

 

[speed dawg]

Don't add her on friggin' facebook, you'll come right out the gate looking like a wuss. You missed your chance. Hit on her next time you see her.

 

[radiodude]

Actually, the worst thing you can do is what you are doing now.....worrying about this altogeather.

If you want to add someone, just step up and do it. There are alot of ways you can stumble across someone on facebook without deliberately searching and there are some women who if they did suspect you searched them out wouldn't mind it at all.

Point being, you are not going to be with her on Facebook, you will/would be with her in real life. The facebook issue is just showing your anxieties.

 

[realsmoothie]

Good one, radio, you're right that the worrying is the most important issue. I do think that the anxiety was coming from feeling like I had no options, and a couple of new girls have displayed interest in me in the last couple of days so that desperation isn't as strong now.

I think I can wait until I see her at work. Maybe if she doesn't show for a week or something I'll do the FB thing. After all, she really, really doesn't seem like someone who's too caught up in caring about being "searched" or whatever. Is it any worse than knowing where a girl works, going in and asking her out? Is that considered AFC? Do you just have to sit there and wait for girls to come to you every time? It almost feels like using FB for something like this is almost ballsy... as long as you don't just add her and then stalk her for months without doing anything else.

 

[Die Hard]

Approaching her on facebook will make make you come over as being weak. It'll make her think you didn't have the balls to ask her out when she was in front of you but only have the balls to do it when you're safe behind your computer. Girls are not attracted to guys who are afraid...they are attracted to guys with courage, guys who are confident about themselves and what they do.

Compare you and your pathetic facebook approach to this guy and his approach:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcJQ3r3DXGg

Yeah, it's Hollywood and it's cheesy, but it's the only scene I could think of. What it's about is his attitude: He goes in there, doesn't give a f*ck what everyone else there thinks of him, tries to spot his target like the Terminator trying to spot Sarah Connor, finds her, and takes her with him like she doesn't even have a choice. His mind is like: "You! Here! Now!" She doesn't even know what hits her.

Now imagine the same scene...only this time the guy sits at home behind his computer, eating potatoe chips and drinking a milkshake. We see him looking at that girl's facebook, examining her profile picture. Then we see him typing a message to her: "Hi, I really like you. Would you go out with me?" and while he slurps the final bit of milkshake through the straw (imagine the sound), he clicks 'send message'.....

 

[Commandante]

I found her on Facebook, we've got a mutual friend...

Get her phone number from the mutual friend and ring her up! You don´t have anything to loose.

 

[squirrels]

I found her on Facebook, we've got a mutual friend... what do you guys think of me messaging or friending her that way?

Leave FaceBook.

http://www.seppukoo.com/

I'd prefer not to, as it's obviously a last resort, but I figure I can use the excuse of not "seeing her around anymore".

Why do you feel you need an "excuse" to talk to her? If you feel like you need an "excuse", then you've already labelled yourself "not worthy" to speak to her WITHOUT one.

You don't need an "excuse" to be a man.

I don't really have much other choice other than to sit around and wait for the random event of her coming into work while I'm both there and up to asking her out.

I can think of a few choices...maybe "dating other girls" or "having a life".

You want to message her on FaceBook, fine. She knows who you are, though. Don't come with that bullsh*t, "I just thought I'd..." or "I noticed you had the same...". That would constitute making excuses and communicate that you feel like you need to justify talking to her.

Just send her something like, "Hey Jill! I haven't seen you in a while. Wanna grab some coffee this week? I'm free Thursday."

If you TRULY have enough rapport to be FaceBook-stalking her, and if she's really into you, this shouldn't be out of the ordinary.

 

[realsmoothie]

Huh, interesting. Doesn't look like you guys are unified on this one, though none of you trust FB very much (and neither do I, admittedly... but it almost seems to be a necessity these days).

Commandante: Yeah, they're not that good of friends. Our mutual friend has a zillion contacts.

Squirrels: hm. I'd say I feel like I need an excuse because, well, for the reasons given by the other guys. "Searching" for someone on FB apparently is verboten. I personally don't see that much of an issue with it, but it was a vaguely fuzzy situation and I posted it here because I was curious to see what DJ-forum guys would think about it.

But you're right... if I have enough rapport, none of this should be a question. This one definitely likes me, or LIKED me (have barely seen her lately).

And, I'm not sitting on my butt regarding other girls, either. My paralysis was with this one, not the others. Those are other tales of success and woe...

 

[KissSnatcher]

Add a female to Facebook? Are you on dope?

Facebook, for me, is a place to laugh at Jackass-type videos with my guy friends. A place to swap good music, discuss my new gun, and bust each others balls. A virtual guy's night out.

Since I'm now getting back into the game after many years out of action I've had numerous gals ask me to friend them. Fvck THAT! The last thing I need is some gal coming in and harshing my mellow and getting up in my business.

Facebook is like a guy's night out for me and it shall forever remain as such.

 

[horaholic]

Approaching her on facebook will make make you come over as being weak. It'll make her think you didn't have the balls to ask her out when she was in front of you but only have the balls to do it when you're safe behind your computer. Girls are not attracted to guys who are afraid...they are attracted to guys with courage, guys who are confident about themselves and what they do.

A weak approach is still better than no approach at all. I dont think girls will see it that way IF he doesnt actually ask her out. Facebook is totally innocent. he can send a request "Hey my FB suggested us be friends." Totally innocent, and not weak. Then, he doesnt even need to make a move. Just wait for her to send out a "Im going to this place tonight, to totally be slutty." Then, just happen to be there too.

I dont know about actually asking her out over facebook though. There are ways to make sure you end up at the same place where you could ask her out in person.

 

[squirrels]

Facebook is totally innocent.

Chicks are not attracted to "innocent" guys.

he can send a request "Hey my FB suggested us be friends."

Again, making an excuse. Why not take ownership of his desires? Why push it off on his "FB"? HE wants to be friends, not FB. A man admits to that and is not ashamed of it.

Totally innocent, and not weak.

What's "innocent" about it? He's sneaking around trying to act indifferent, all the while having an ulterior motive. There is NOTHING innocent about this.

As for "weak"...it doesn't get much weaker than this.

Then, he doesnt even need to make a move.

What??

You're advocating more weak, stalker-ish, high-school behavior on TOP of weak, stalker-ish high-school behavior??

Just wait for her to send out a "Im going to this place tonight, to totally be slutty." Then, just happen to be there too.

Dude...just stop.

You're starting to creep ME out now.

 

[AMDG]

This one definitely likes me, or LIKED me (have barely seen her lately).

Don't concentrate on her - it looks like low interest to me. From my own experience, an interested female will be more than eager to get in touch.

 

[darkstarrr]

The last thing I need is some gal coming in and harshing my mellow and getting up in my business.

Over the past year I have encountered this dilemna. To add or not to add...

I have to agree here that you should not add female potentials under any circumstances. In addition to what KissSnatcher said, what if you meet a random at the mall or Walmart and then she wants to be your "friend" too? Do you by default have to add her to and risk them finding out about each other? Fuck no. You add none of them. I just keep my shit private and just say I don't really use it anymore if they bring it up.

Facebook shouldn't be your route in. I would get the number through the friend if you insist on proceeding and if another opportunity will not soon present itself. Good luck.