Extreme depression post breakup

[Cerwin Vega]

4 year relationship, first love, she started talking to this guy while in a relationship, tried to break up with me, I got fed up and broke it off completely because of constant fights and a lot of disrespect from her side. She tried to contact me and get back together but I didn't even pick up the phone. I'm 15 days into NC.

I feel really depressed daily after breakup especially after finding out she's dating this guy (how surprising) I tried to go on a date today and got rejected while trying to kiss even though the girl was into me.

Feels like everything is lost. It's like I'm in an endless tunnel and everything is black and dark and I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Before you tell me "go spin plates" - I can open a conversation with a girl but I feel like her interest is lost, instantly. I'm not afraid to say a that I'm fascinating, good looking person, I have an athletic body but I can't present (or "sell") myself and I guess that's where I fail.

My ex knew a lot about me and was always telling me she never met anyone with so much stuff going on in his life and so much interest in all the things in the world like me, so I guess people just have to get to KNOW me better to find out what an awesome person I am.

Everything is falling apart. It feels like I'm doomed and this may never go away. I don't want to kill myself or anything, just destroy - remove all painful memory and maybe even become an emotionless person.
Nobody deserves this much pain. I don't even know why it's happening, I mean this girl DID treat me well and everything but she was so manipulative, jealous, controlling, emasculating and hurtful. She had all those moronic comments that should never be said to a man, let alone a boyfriend because they destroyed my confidence. WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS ?!
A tiny part of me wants her back. Misses her smell, her touch, her hair, her fingers, her eyes, her teeth, her perfect lips, her body, her laugh, her smile...how behind such a package there can be such an awful person?? How can she treat me THIS bad and treat others so good? am I that big of a loser?! I want to let her go, I know that SHE IS TOXIC. I know she's bad for me and WE SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER, but maybe 1% of me wants her back after all this **** I went through.


OK, I feel a bit better now after unloading my emotions since I carry this for long time without anyone to talk to. None of my so-called friends really care (and maybe I am just too sensitive, or even borderline?) but I really want to get rid of this depression. It's impossible that everyone gets through this phase in life without any help.
I'm not looking for pity, throw your judgement at me and hit me with some tough love.

 

[The_411]

4 year relationship, first love, she started talking to this guy while in a relationship, tried to break up with me, I got fed up and broke it off completely because of constant fights and a lot of disrespect from her side. She tried to contact me and get back together but I didn't even pick up the phone. I'm 15 days into NC.

I feel really depressed daily after breakup especially after finding out she's dating this guy (how surprising) I tried to go on a date today and got rejected while trying to kiss even though the girl was into me.

Feels like everything is lost. It's like I'm in an endless tunnel and everything is black and dark and I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Before you tell me "go spin plates" - I can open a conversation with a girl but I feel like her interest is lost, instantly. I'm not afraid to say a that I'm fascinating, good looking person, I have an athletic body but I can't present (or "sell") myself and I guess that's where I fail.

My ex knew a lot about me and was always telling me she never met anyone with so much stuff going on in his life and so much interest in all the things in the world like me, so I guess people just have to get to KNOW me better to find out what an awesome person I am.

Everything is falling apart. It feels like I'm doomed and this may never go away. I don't want to kill myself or anything, just destroy - remove all painful memory and maybe even become an emotionless person.
Nobody deserves this much pain. I don't even know why it's happening, I mean this girl DID treat me well and everything but she was so manipulative, jealous, controlling, emasculating and hurtful. She had all those moronic comments that should never be said to a man, let alone a boyfriend because they destroyed my confidence. WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS ?!
A tiny part of me wants her back. Misses her smell, her touch, her hair, her fingers, her eyes, her teeth, her perfect lips, her body, her laugh, her smile...how behind such a package there can be such an awful person?? How can she treat me THIS bad and treat others so good? am I that big of a loser?! I want to let her go, I know that SHE IS TOXIC. I know she's bad for me and WE SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER, but maybe 1% of me wants her back after all this **** I went through.


OK, I feel a bit better now after unloading my emotions since I carry this for long time without anyone to talk to. None of my so-called friends really care (and maybe I am just too sensitive, or even borderline?) but I really want to get rid of this depression. It's impossible that everyone gets through this phase in life without any help.
I'm not looking for pity, throw your judgement at me and hit me with some tough love.

You had a long relationship that emotionally damamged you. When people get involved in long term toxic relationships it damages them because every day you are taking some of covert abuse in one form or another.It's an accumulation of damage that you don't see coming. Then voila after its over you're an emotional mess trying to rationalize what happened.

That's why the getting under someone else doesn't always work because you're damaged and need some time to clean up the mess inside and rid yourself of trauma.

 

[LeonSK]

Read DJ Bible, and How to Become an Alpha Male by John Alexander.

Go out and meet more girls. You'll get over it. You deserve someone better!

 

[Tictac]

Exercise & sunshine for starters.

Take the time and thought you were putting into her and invest in on you.

 

[Willard]

Tictac is absolutely right, I worked out harder than ever and took martial arts after my last breakup, it really helped. You have to treat the breakup like a death and go through the stages of grief:
- Shock or Disbelief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope

It takes jumbo coconut balls to go no contact forever after a 4 year relationship, you should be proud of yourself, you probably blew her mind that's why she's trying to contact you.

Stay strong

 

[goldengoose]

she started talking to this guy while in a relationship

Some betas in this forum will tell you that's OK for her to do that. They will insult you if say it's disrespectful.

Find another wet hole and a similar looking girl, she will be long forgotten.

 

[VikingKing]

...................

 

[Cerwin Vega]

I started working out again (although I have a herniated disc)
Been learning to play guitar
Started eating healthy
I try to talk to everyone about everything and be more social than ever

All those thing are great and I feel great doing them but during every moment between them (especially) when I'm alone I get really depressed and start thinking of her. I get anxious and think why did she stop calling altogether all of the sudden after bombarding my phone. Why did she started behaving like she did etc.

I will start reading the books suggested, thanks.

@goldengoose I actually had no problem with her meeting new people. She disrespected me by continue talking to him even after he made his intentions clear, that he wants her to break up with me and date him. At the end she gave up and bit his bait. Maybe if I was a lot more "alpha" in general then she wouldn't look at other men because she would know that losing me would be devastating.

 

[Rave18]

It is going to hurt, accept this but don't wallow in it too much. Read the threads related to break up, listen to the advice of other members and in due time you'll heal

 

[Bible_Belt]

Four years is a long time, and you're only two weeks out of it. Have patience, and things will get better with time.

 

[Don-Kong]

Get off this website, it's not the place for the broken hearted. Folk talking about all this beta alpha bullsh1t. You won't find too much compassion here but you will find guys who have moved on and are now wisely protecting their heart and investing some time in weeding out chicks.

Do you really want to hook up with other girls right now? Doubt it.
Accept, Suffer, heal, suffer some more, learn, grow, cry, then come back bro. Try youjustgotdumped.com I know you never but it's a good place to vent whilst others are going through the same thing. Peace.

 

[I_was_born_a_PIMP]

The only thing that is going to make you feel better right now is EGO GRATIFICATION. You need your ego stroked and the best way to do this is to f@ck another woman. Not a basic woman but a 8-10 on a scale of 1-10. Mark my words this will work. You need to be inside of another woman. To feel a new woman's body and spirit. I can't tell you how your going to do this but you must do it. No long term with this woman. Just in and out !!

 

[expos]

She's damaged and mean to you. She is not a good woman.

You are hurting now, as you should because 4 years is a long time. The toxic relationships also take a substantial amount of time to get over.

She's over you fast BECAUSE she's damaged and she doesn't care about other people - only herself. All the problems you had in your relationship she will bring into her next relationship. These types of people never fix themselves and leave a long trail of misery. They project their inner hatred onto others and RUIN people.

In a year or more, you'll be happy that she is gone.

You should also be happy that she came into your life, because now you know the warning signs of toxic individual and you'll know better next time.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Don-Kong > Do you really want to hook up with other girls right now? Doubt it.
I_was_born_a_PIMP > You need your ego stroked and the best way to do this is to f@ck another woman.

A lot of mixed advice. I don't really want to hook up with other girls, I just want to prove myself that I can do it as fast as she can go around and screw other guys. (I know it's a bad reason, but I'm telling you the truth)

Am I expecting too much from myself? I want this sh!tty feeling to go away as soon as possible...
I get anxious whenever see anything that reminds me of her and even when I see couples on the street. It's this feeling like your heart drops from your chest for a second/stabbing feeling and it gets much worse when someone mentions her or starts talking about her. I seriously don't think this is normal.

 

[Kailex]

How old are you, Cerwin?

Regardless of age though... I hate it when the immediate solution for some is "spin plates". Sometimes you just need to go through stuff. And that's another thing that I see a lot of people just trying to avoid... FEELING.

You are allowed to feel angry, sad, lost, depressed. This is the foundation from which you can build upon positively. If you didn't go through these things now and just tried to completely numb the pain, you wouldn't know what red flags to look for within your next relationships.

It hurts because it was your first "love". It hurts because it lasted so long. It hurts because she was able to move on so easily while it's taking you time.

Don't jump into another relationship so quickly, you don't even really have to date. Reconnect with friends, family... embark on a journey of new hobbies and adventures.

Learn what it is like to be ALONE. It's sad that in this day and age, being alone is something so many people are afraid of. I can just as easily go to a movie by myself and feel completely comfortable. Learn to do the same.

Give yourself time. You can't just make the pain and hurt go away with the stroke of a button. But you need to learn what it means to feel like this, to learn from that relationship and to take the positive out of it. In the long-term you WILL realize that this woman was probably no good for you and your phase together was just that... a PHASE. Instead of focusing on the negatives of being alone, focus on the positives of not being with this "girl" anymore and all the time and effort you can dedicate on being a better man.

Do NOT break NC. Do NOT fall into any trips or pitfalls dealing with this girl. What's done is done and you are now allowed to move on freely. Take this chance at a new life and make the best of it.

Good luck.

 

[jurry]

Very normal man i know the feeling exactly. Possible that some here are just unfeeling neanderthals who only understand one thing in life, thus it is their solution. But yes embrace the pain, acknowledge it, don't run from it. Don't beat yourself down over it though as difficult as that is. Just accept and start tomorrow new, everything renews and changes every moment and every day, gradually the feeling drops away and you'll become much stronger than you were. "Everyone gets broken" as the hemingway quote goes.. Many many beautiful girls in the world for u though brother.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Thank you for the reinforcement.
I will not contact her in any case and I doubt she will contact me anytime soon. It's kinda odd that she stopped contacting me cold-turkey after calling me 5 times a day but I bet it's her friends and family who told her to do so.

I am 20 years old, she was my first long term relationship.

It was a love-hate relationship from her side. At one moment I meant the world to her, but once I said something she didn't like she could just get into her car and drive away or started yelling at me, cursing me and hitting me in front of other people (I'm a big guy but when I get slapped in the face it still hurts).
Thinking of it, I never stopped her from driving away, telling me "it's over!" etc but yet again I never really punished her for bad behavior. She could do whatever she wanted (except for cheating) and I would not react to it. I think I was too nonreactive and it got to a point she thought I don't care for her (when I really do, I just thought that by not reacting she would stop).

 

[Night-hawk]

Be grateful for the lessons you are about to learn. Everything that has happened and is going to happen will all make sense for where you eventually are going to be. What you are feeling is a normal reaction of the trauma of "losing someone" dear to you. Never forget who you are, because who you are was complete before you ever knew she existed. Pain like this is natures tough love to make sure you pay attention to the evolution of your consciousness and being. Fvckin sucks for a male sometimes though, Jeeee-zus.

 

[Bossman90]

had this exact ****ty thing happen to me. if you need help dealing with hit, feel free to pm me.

 

[narcissist]

Wow, only 1.5 years for my last relationship and it fvcked me up pretty good when it ended. I cant imagine 4 years, and then she rebounds instantly into another relationship. Ouch.

I would say just focus on yourself and focus on being in perpetual betterment. Dont avoid the feelings that are coming to you, let them flow through you, but dont dwell in them. Avoidance or dwelling can be dangerous, but there is a healthy zone of allowing the dark feelings to be felt and then using them to move on. Try to get in that zone.

Plus just go out and cold approach. The more girls you talk to the better. The first 100 girls you approach wont be that good. They will probably reject you, so on and so forth. But after that you'll be getting chicks left right and centre. But this will force you to change your attitude, because the girls you approach will sense the depression. You will force your self out of this slump in order to sharpen up your game. Don't do it for pvssy, do it for yourself and your confidence! It will force you to become more positive.

Just be persistent. Believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel my good friend.

Never hesitate to PM me. I got your back brother.