Execution Errors/Analysis Requested

[Sonic1]

Background:

Me—45 year old single dad, one 18 year daughter(on her way to college), just retired from the military, divorced 5 years, had numerous one night stands, one short term relationship, put off dating for a while to focus on graduate degree.

Her—42 year old single mom, two kids at home (8 &11), just retired from the military, divorced 1 ½ years, had one 1 year relationship.

Situation: A good friend of mine knew I had been interested in her and is a long-term friend with her. She’d been single for a month or so and one day at work, he told me I should ask her out and have me her number. So I called her. She was busy at the moment so I asked if I should call another time, she said yes. I waited a couple days and called her back—voicemail—“hey it’s me, wanted to see if you would like to get together for a drink tonight”? She responded back via text, “great, what time and where?”

First date—met her at a bar with a live 80s band…we talked, got to know each other and had a good time. My first execution error was letting the date go on too long. We closed the bar down and spent another hour talking outside. Started some light kino, hugged her at the end of the night.

Second date—met for a drink again, different venue, good conversation, more aggressive with touching, again, I let the date go on too long but kissed her at the end of the night. She texted me later that night to let me know how she had a great time, etc. Lots of texting back and forth(she doesn’t like talking on the phone—she informed me that it’s easier if she texts)

After that we had 6-7 more dates, dinner, I took her to the driving range, drinks, etc. Everything was progressing well as far as I could tell. Lots of making out but no sex due to logistics (my daughter in my house and her kids in hers).

At one point she invited me to a wedding she was going to attend and informed me that she had a room reserved at the event and asked if I wanted to stay with her that night. Of course I said yes.

Fast forward to the next week. I texted her to see if she wanted to go out Tuesday night. Her response was this: I have to check my schedule, my kids have practice every night this week, maybe we can meet up later one night for a quick drink.

My response: ok, let me know…

Next day I got a text from her: Hey there, checked my schedule, between my kids and my own crap, I am literally swamped and honestly have very little spare time. Maybe we can grab lunch sometime, this is obviously not the best time for me to have a social life.

I responded an hour later: I understand. Disappointed, but I get it. If you find yourself with some spare time you have my number. Take care.

She responded almost right away: I’m disappointed too. I’m really sorry, I’ve really had a good time but I’m so overwhelmed to the point of extreme anxiety. I need to get quite a bit of my life sorted out. Thanks for your understanding….

I didn’t respond…

Fast forward 5 days. Got a text from her saying I would like to meet for lunch, I have a couple of your movies and would like to talk with you. I responded sure. So we met, and she made small talk at first and then transitions into apologizing to me? She says she should have never gone out with me because it wasn’t fair to me and that she has too much going on in her life. I told her I appreciated her saying that. So we parted ways and I haven’t heard from her since….At least she didn’t suggest we could be friends. And, no I have not contacted her since then ( it has been 5 days).

So, should I just take this at its face value? Is this just a timing issue? It really pisses me off because we clicked so well and had a lot in common. I tend to over analyze things. Maybe she wasn’t ready for a relationship and found herself developing feelings and got spooked? Maybe her ex bf contacted her and she didn’t know now how she feels. Maybe a slight case of oneitus on my part?

I know my post is long…Any thoughts/feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks!!!

 

[Yusaark]

Hey bud! I'm sorry that sounds frustrating!

I can't give long advice because I'm not sure I feel qualified in this situation because I feel as if I know very little about the situation still but I would start with this:

It might be an emotional hang up kind of thing. Emotional hangups commitment fears are common when people are young but single parents (as you'll probably know better than me) have more to consider when discussing commitment. Now maybe she just has unresolved issues that she's amplifying because of her kids or maybe she has a clear understanding that what is going on in her family unit right now will be compromised significantly by another unit coming in (which is almost a next step in the relationship by that point). Sometimes the emotional hangup of commitment in this situation might be a lack of confidence in her own abilities to navigate the challenges of the next steps of your relationship. If it is just an emotional hangup amplified by the dynamics of maintaining her family unit then it would be very difficult to get through that tough exterior.

If it was about a lack of confidence in her own abilities to navigate the challenges of life then you have to ask yourself if you feel the same way. Great thing is I'm sure you feel fear often being a single father with a daughter. So start to recognize the simple moments where people in your life help alleviate some of that burden. Sometimes it's the relationships others form with your daughter, which make you feel like you don't have to worry as much about her whereas other times it might be people who come in and shoulder some responsibility with ease. Others might just put the world in a perspective that makes life easier through conversation, activities, or just their presence.

Recognize the difference between things that alleviate your burden and things that help you temporarily escape the burden: The former was discussed above but most importantly it will give you a feeling that life is easier (some people like running or meditation). The latter will give you pleasure and fun but will not make life seem easier or much easier when you return to it. Some activities could go either way depending on the experience. The point is that as you learn to recognize what makes your life feel easier and what helps you escape the challenges you might have a greater understanding of how to recognize the same effects on her.

Once you start to recognize these things in yourself (and you may already be sensitive to these things) you have to ask yourself how can I tell what her experiences were with me? If my perhaps wild assumptions are somewhat close, many of her experiences with you felt like an escape. If she is having these emotional problems, which is what it sounds like to me, you need to be able to be one of those people who can make her life challenges feel a little easier and one of the fundamental ways to do that is to make sure that your challenges are not draining you completely.

The good news is that if this is a sort of emotional challenge for her then give her some space, be patient, and eventually she might come back looking for more escape and then maybe you'll be able to be the kind of person who makes life easier by providing pleasure and alleviating some of her challenges.

If this makes sense I think you're in good shape. If you want more concrete ideas, or more details about what types of experiences I think you're having together then let me know.

 

[Sonic1]

Thanks for your perspective Yussark,

If my perhaps wild assumptions are somewhat close, many of her experiences with you felt like an escape.

She actually said something very similar to this at one point. Something along the lines of a breath of fresh air and the first time she has been able to completely relax in a long time.

The good news is that if this is a sort of emotional challenge for her then give her some space, be patient, and eventually she might come back looking for more escape and then maybe you'll be able to be the kind of person who makes life easier by providing pleasure and alleviating some of her challenges.


Yes, I don't plan on contacting her. It just sucks when you find someone you just click with on so many levels. Oh well, I guess I just need to create more options for myself--that seems to be the common theme here. Time will tell if she decides to re-initiate contact.

If this makes sense I think you're in good shape. If you want more concrete ideas, or more details about what types of experiences I think you're having together then let me know.

Yes, everything you've said makes sense to me. I'll just leave it alone for now. Again, I appreciate your perspective and taking the time to respond. Thanks!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Sonic,
You two are very compatible,but the timing,your joint circumstances are just not conducive to a Relationship...You will have to be content with being friends...So spin more Plates...You sound a very good catch to me...Good luck from Down Under!

 

[hithard]

Just bad timing, chin up and go get some more options. You over analyze things because you are dating one at a time and have no fall back positions. Do me a favor and try and date five at a time in the next few weeks to feel the difference in mindset.
The only limits are those you impose on yourself so get cracking no matter how much it takes you out of the comfort zone.

And just to sound like a broken record
Have a strong sense of who you are as a man when spinning plates (cause it can go to your head and be a disaster with the wrong women).

Know what qualities you want in a woman (don't just date trash unless it's a pump and dump).

 

[Outlaw_]

Just bad timing, chin up and go get some more options. You over analyze things because you are dating one at a time and have no fall back positions. Do me a favor and try and date five at a time in the next few weeks to feel the difference in mindset.
The only limits are those you impose on yourself so get cracking no matter how much it takes you out of the comfort zone.

That fallback position is critical OP. This is money advise.

Know what qualities you want in a woman (don't just date trash unless it's a pump and dump).

Yeah, make a spreadsheet & compare each woman you date against this, that way you know...oh, this one is not wife material, but I can smash her.

 

[Sonic1]

Thanks guys!

It's been 6 days of no contact and I'm starting to see things a little more logically. You are correct, the timing was way off. She has a lot going on in her life, single mom, transition from the military, looking for employment. This and her apology for even starting things up with me while crappy, makes sense.

You over analyze things because you are dating one at a time and have no fall back positions. Do me a favor and try and date five at a time in the next few weeks to feel the difference in mindset.
The only limits are those you impose on yourself so get cracking no matter how much it takes you out of the comfort zone.

^^^This makes absolute sense to me! I never ever thought of it that way. Instead of being traditional, I need to create a personal life full of options. If I'm busy with several women I'd be less likely to over analyze.

5 at a time though? Wow! That's a bit ambitious! The most I ever dated at once was 2. My daughter leaves for college in 12 days. I think I'll just relax until then. After that, who knows? Perhaps it's time for a midlife crisis? Plus, I need to start looking for a job.

Big lesson learned for me being that I am more of a traditional guy (I need to change this quickly) when it comes to dating/relationships...I need to keep my guard up and protect my heart. That and creating options will help me. Lots to learn even at my age. I really wish I had this kind of information available to me when I was 20.

Oh well, again, thanks, your perspectives and advice are spot on!

 

[Greasy Pig]

OP, every woman who has told me she:
A) Has a lot of stuff going on in her life.
B) Has shyt to sort out.
C) Can't find time in her schedule;
Was fvcking another guy. Don't fall for this crap. As soon as anything like the above spews forth from a girl's mouth, go ghost and move onto another one.

 

[Sonic1]

OP, every woman who has told me she:
A) Has a lot of stuff going on in her life.
B) Has shyt to sort out.
C) Can't find time in her schedule;
Was fvcking another guy. Don't fall for this crap. As soon as anything like the above spews forth from a girl's mouth, go ghost and move onto another one.

That actually would make more sense to me. She broke up with her bf of 1 year about 2 months ago. If she went back to him I would not be surprised in the least. That would be easier to accept I think. Anyway, I have not heard from her in 8 days and don't think I'll ever here from her again.

 

[Outlaw_]

That actually would make more sense to me. She broke up with her bf of 1 year about 2 months ago. If she went back to him I would not be surprised in the least. That would be easier to accept I think. Anyway, I have not heard from her in 8 days and don't think I'll ever here from her again.

Well be sure that you don't contact her either. And get busy getting other women in your dating funnel!

 

[Sonic1]

Well be sure that you don't contact her either. And get busy getting other women in your dating funnel!

Yes indeed!!! My daughter leaves for college in 11 days! I have no intention of contacting her. I'll start spinning plates after that.

 

[Sonic1]

It doesn't matter, really. I think I would take it at face value.....BECAUSE it doesn't matter. Move on, delete her number.

Sounds like you are doing everything right, stay the course.

You're right of course...Funny, I just got a FB update where she tagged one our mutual friend that set us up(no, I'm not friends with her on FB). She tagged her ex in there for her retirement dinner.

So, you are correct in that it doesn't matter but I always would rather know the truth( I hate dishonesty!). It does however confirm my suspicions and I now know that if she were to reinitiate contact I don't believe I'll have or make time for her.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Aaaaand the truth shall set you free!!! Learn from this, OP. Women often say things and do the exact opposite. Treat everything they say with a grain of salt.
And don't let this one back into your life. Sure as shyt when it all goes to crap again with her ex she'll reach out to you again.
If you're so inclined, pump and dump only. She had her chance with you and she fvcked it. Good riddance.

 

[Zunder]

OP, every woman who has told me she:
A) Has a lot of stuff going on in her life.
B) Has shyt to sort out.
C) Can't find time in her schedule;
Was fvcking another guy. Don't fall for this crap. As soon as anything like the above spews forth from a girl's mouth, go ghost and move onto another one.

Fvcking aye, right on. She'd move the Taj Mahal to Pakistan if she were into you enough.

 

[Sonic1]

Update...I need to vent a little and then I'll let it go.

Played golf with my buddy today that set us up. It's his last week in town so this was our last chance to play. So, on the third hole he says: "What's up with you and April?". I actually hesitated because I know you're not supposed to talk about exs with mutual friends but I said, "nothing, she ended things with me because she said she didn't have time to date." He says, that's funny because she was with her ex yesterday at a friend's wedding(this is the wedding that she had originally invited me to). I just smiled.

So over the course of playing(I shot my best round ever btw--87!) and having lunch afterwards he basically tells me that she broke with her ex because he was a flake and that he didn't understand why she would get back with him(he kept saying this over and over again while shaking his head) because all she did before was constantly complain about him. Then he says all she said about you constantly was that she was having a great/fun time. He asked if had been putting any pressure on her. I said, nope, matter of fact, she was calling/asking me to go out half of the time.

He told me he was perplexed and that the only reason he could think of as to why she would go back to him was because she had introduced the ex to her kids and they liked him. I laughed at him and told him how stupid that sounded. I told him that's like getting married to someone because you got them pregnant.

I told him also it was funny to me also because her ex got pissed at her last Thanksgiving(I was invited to my buddy's house who set us up) when she spoke to me for about 20 minutes (she told me this when we first started dating because she said something about not liking jealous men). The way she spoke of him was disrespectful almost. So, I laughed and told my friend, I'd bet good money she won't tell him anything about seeing me. He agreed with me. Again, whatever.

He said he didn't think it would last between them. I told him, I'm not waiting and I'm not anybody's plan B. As far as I'm concerned, if she asks, you can tell her to lose my number. He asked why...so I told him, she already has lied to me about the reason she cannot date me...because she's got too much going on in her life/not ready, whatever.

He said that's too bad that you feel that way because I think you guys are perfect for each other and that he knows her and she was probably just trying to spare my feelings. Whatever...again, I told him I'm not waiting around to see what happens. I said, I get it, you guys are good friends but think about if it was you. He said he got it but to keep my options open.

He's having a going away on Friday and asked if I would come but warned me that she would be there. I told him that day was my daughter's move-in day for college but I would try.

So, should I go? I've read a lot of stuff on the forum about interactions after they break up with you. Thoughts on this please?

 

[VladPatton]

Greasy Pig nailed it, and I would of told you the same thing. It's always another guy in the picture, almost always. What a bullish!ttin biznitch! Just forget about her, and whatever you do, DO NOT answer her texts if she contacts you. You are definitely plan B guy.

Better luck next time, bud.

 

[Ruleit]

He's having a going away on Friday and asked if I would come but warned me that she would be there. I told him that day was my daughter's move-in day for college but I would try.

So, should I go?

Yes, you should go. He's your buddy. He is too blue pill to realize what a bad choice this woman was for you. I'd value my friendship with this guy more than the chick.

At the end of the day this woman should be irrelevant to you. At the party, it's up to you to decide how you're going to behave. Be prepared for if she shows up hanging on the ex-bf's arm. If your feelings are still a bit hurt from being dumped keep your interactions with her short and courteous. Keep an exit tactics open at all times for when you bump into her. Say your "hello" and excuse yourself towards your exit tactic.

IF you had been spinning plates you could have gone with another woman to the party and had a good time with her.

If the party becomes uncomfortable you can always leave. You at least showed up to support your friend.

 

[Sonic1]

Thanks for the feedback!

HA! No contact for 14 days and I just got a text from her: "I know this is random but I've been thinking about you...a lot lately. Would you be interested in meeting for dinner?

She's wondering what she's missing out on I'll bet!

 

[Ruleit]

Thanks for the feedback!

You're welcome.

HA! No contact for 14 days and I just got a text from her: "I know this is random but I've been thinking about you...a lot lately. Would you be interested in meeting for dinner?

Don't reply.

She's wondering what she's missing out on I'll bet!

Nope. She wants to know either:
a) you're still willing to be her emotional tampon / entertainment monkey for the evening while her ex-BF is unavailable.
b) you're still on for being plan B after her ex-BF pumps and dumps her again.
c) he's already dumped her and she's wondering if you're willing to keep her busy until she finds a replacement.

 

[Sonic1]

You're welcome.


Don't reply.


Nope. She wants to know either:
a) you're still willing to be her emotional tampon / entertainment monkey for the evening while her ex-BF is unavailable.
b) you're still on for being plan B after her ex-BF pumps and dumps her again.
c) he's already dumped her and she's wondering if you're willing to keep her busy until she finds a replacement.

Copy all...I am not a dancing monkey nor will I be ever!