Excuses on why we're not having sex

[mdsopr]

Hey, Guys...

Need some advice here. I'm 44, the girlfriend is 37. I found this web site when I was researching on the subject of loosing respect in a relationship.

Well, we've been together for about 9 months and in the beginning of the relationship it was great, the respect was there, she was interested in what I had to say, etc..but now she seems like she's loosing interest and I've kinda been doing everything wrong as far as what is listed in the lose respect post. Sex was great at first, she even told me that she loved having sex, etc...well, she's moved in and every time I try and make the moves on having sex, she says she too tired, or her stomach doesn't feel right, or she doesn't feel connected.

We live together, but we are supposed to be moving closer to our jobs at the end of August, and lately, sex has been on her terms and I'm pretty much fed up with it, along with the nagging and I've kinda, not totally, let her take control which after reading your posts, am quickly trying to fix. I love this woman very much, but will do what I need to do as far as being the king and not letting her get away with the disrespect stuff. I'll be taking control from here on out.

But I do need some advice on the sex thing. Do I just give her the ultimatum that she better figure things out because I'm not going to stay in this sexless relationship? Last time we had sex was about 2 weeks ago, and this is getting old. I was married for over 21 years, and this dating **** sucks, but I'm getting through it. I admit, I've been starting to do the wrong things which I believe has led to this. A couple of weeks ago, I had enough of her nagging and constantly getting on me and told her that she better figure things out because I'm not living like this, so I became distant and she noticed and started showing her affection again, etc...though I fell into the trap and let things go, and here I am.

Your advice would greatly be appreciated!!! Thank you...

 

[DonGorgon]

its over... she is having sex with other men and domes not desire it or need it form you... good that you have no kids with her and are not married too her you need too dump her now because she is just waiting for the right moment too dump you...

most marriages and LTrs end up like this with the women cutting off sex and the man depressed and confused... Women love sex and are always having hit but most of their sex will be with other men than their husband or BF

you can stay in denial about what i am saying but its true ... when ever sex becomes a conversation or a begging situation the passion is dead and she is usually riding other ****s

 

[Kailex]

I won't go so far as to say that she is having sex with other men, but she is definitely feeling comfortable enough in your relationship that she feels like she doesn't need to do it on your terms anymore. You let her move in, she has what she wants for the time being and thinks she has you for a loop.

Is the apartment just yours?

Trust me, talking about it isn't going to do much... she'll course correct for a week or two and then go right back to it once you are comfortable.

Realize that she is comfortable because you got comfortable as well.

You need to pull back and do the things you were doing before when you guys had sex all the time. Unfortunately, she did already move in, so this will be a lot harder.

 

[nismo-4]

Since sex is on her terms, it's not good. She's controlling that aspect, and she has her eyes on "Alpha fux" while making you "Beta bux".

Keeping your options open and going distant is the best thing that is for you. Pleading your case is beta game, and will only make her want a better man even more.

Case closed.

 

[VladPatton]

It's not good when things get sexless and irritating like this. You dropped the ball somewhere and she's using anti-sex to control your lives. Start prepping to hit the nuke button. I know you don't wanna hear that, but would you rather she "have a talk" with you and dump you first? Just for now, start mentally preparing for it and think of an exit strategy, namely living space. How long until you get frustrated and say "fück this! I am done!"?? Probably not long. Good luck man, keep us posted.

 

[Trump]

Bro the only way to fix this is to make her feel you are getting sex from another woman.

There is NOTHING more powerful than an attraction of another woman. Anything you say, do, or talk about to your girlfriend to gain respect is NO comparison to another woman wanting you.

 

[jay07]

Start denying her sex when she wants it and stop asking for it until she brings up the fact theres an issue

 

[gravityeyelids]

You're already ahead of the game in the sense that you're aware that you've messed up and you're taking steps to fix it. That can't be said of a lot of men who post on here asking for advice.

Notice that when you started to become distant she reached out a little to pull you back in. This is what they do. She's going to steadily reel you back in JUST enough to keep you hooked, making you feel that deep down she does care about you and reassuring you that you need to pander to her.

She is probably not completely fed up with the relationship JUST YET, because it provides some stability and you're her little beta she can come home to. However, she will approach that point very soon if she hasn't already. I'm not gonna jump on the bandwagon and say that she's NECESSARILY cheating, because you don't want to start making accusations and such...Just be aware that women love sex and crave it as much as you do, and if she's lost interest in you, eventually she's going to need to get it somewhere. If she hasn't already... at some point she is going to make plans to jump ship into another man's castle.

What's the best move? Is the relationship salvageable? Hard to say. Depends on the intricacies of the relationship, the chemistry between you, and how much damage has been done. If you just slipped up a bit, there may be steps you can take to repair this with her. However, if she has lost enough respect for you, the ONLY way to truly gain her respect on some level and save some dignity for yourself is to take steps to end the relationship before she does.

If you are set on reviving this thing, one thing is for sure: you need to change yourself, overhaul your attitude and make some big changes and stick with them.

 

[VikingKing]

The only way for you to turn this around is to just go nc. Deal with the pain, thats life man.

If you just disapeer, go out and meet new chicks, bang a few of them, and pop back into her life after a few months you can probably get the power back. I did this once with a girl because she was acting a bit shady (cell phone) but she wasn't my gf, we were mostly fvcking a lot. I got into a new relationship a while after ending it with this girl, 8 months later that one tanked, called her up and she came to me (like 40 min drive) that night, and i banged her.

Realize that she is playing a game with you, and you emotions. It's not nice, but she is obviously ok with doing it. So do it back, but in a way where you will win not matter what. Disappear and live your life happily, as long as you do that you can't lose.

But really the only way to get the power back is to get yourself to a point where you don't feel you need her, or really want much to do with her.

See how that works? I guarantee you it will work.

But at that point, you wont want to save your broken relationship.

 

[Bible_Belt]

If this is what it's like after nine months, what do think it's going to be in nine years? Problems like this only get worse.

she says...she doesn't feel connected

She needs to move out. Tell her you just don't "feel connected" enough to live with her any more.

 

[narcissist]

just fvcking leave the relationship.

My god have people become such manginas that they cant just leave something they are UNHAPPY being in?

I dont understand people. I truly dont.

 

[Skyline]

Hey, Guys...

Need some advice here. I'm 44, the girlfriend is 37. I found this web site when I was researching on the subject of loosing respect in a relationship.

Well, we've been together for about 9 months and in the beginning of the relationship it was great, the respect was there, she was interested in what I had to say, etc..but now she seems like she's loosing interest and I've kinda been doing everything wrong as far as what is listed in the lose respect post. Sex was great at first, she even told me that she loved having sex, etc...well, she's moved in and every time I try and make the moves on having sex, she says she too tired, or her stomach doesn't feel right, or she doesn't feel connected.

Sounds a lot like my best friend's situation- minus the moving in part. He's 18 and she's 17; it's crazy how the game never really changes depending on age.
You probably already know, but the result of her interest dropping, nagging, b*tching, and "her terms" type of deal is because you let yourself become a man out of his center. This means a variety of things, if not all of them, like not being romantic enough and creating "surprises," becoming weak to the point where you go to her for masculine roles, becoming needy by always being there for "emotional support" or "gay male girlfriend", or basically hanging up the game coat. Once you "win" her over for a relationship, the court ship does not end. In fact it never ends.

Right now, she seems to be in her masculine role while you're in the feminine role. "Alpha fux, Beta bux."

We live together, but we are supposed to be moving closer to our jobs at the end of August, and lately, sex has been on her terms and I'm pretty much fed up with it, along with the nagging and I've kinda, not totally, let her take control which after reading your posts, am quickly trying to fix. I love this woman very much, but will do what I need to do as far as being the king and not letting her get away with the disrespect stuff. I'll be taking control from here on out.

Living together after only 9 months!? You're crazy! Sex on her terms and disrespectful behavior? Definitely means she's in her masculine role. She does not want to be in this role which is why she is more b*tchy, naggy, and disrespectful. She's hoping you will stand up to her and tell her to back off into her feminine role, the place where she first was attracted to you. You're allowing her to be in a role that she does not want to be in because you're being weak. Women sh*t test to test your strength, and so far it's like you "lied" to her from when you first met.

But I do need some advice on the sex thing. Do I just give her the ultimatum that she better figure things out because I'm not going to stay in this sexless relationship? Last time we had sex was about 2 weeks ago, and this is getting old. I was married for over 21 years, and this dating **** sucks, but I'm getting through it. I admit, I've been starting to do the wrong things which I believe has led to this. A couple of weeks ago, I had enough of her nagging and constantly getting on me and told her that she better figure things out because I'm not living like this, so I became distant and she noticed and started showing her affection again, etc...though I fell into the trap and let things go, and here I am.

Your advice would greatly be appreciated!!! Thank you...

That sex ultimatum thing won't work. She'll just dump you and hop on another dudes d*ck in a couple of hours, if she hasn't already. Notice how you became distant and she all of a sudden gathered interest like from when you first were dating? This tells me you're acting weak, needy, predictable, and generally not gaming her like you should be. The less of you equates to more of you in her head. Since you still want to be with this girl, even though she's using sex for HER own pleasure and more of a weapon to keep you from leaving, acting all dominant and alpha-like one day won't work. She's going to notice this and that's when the two masculine roles will collide which can result into a breakup. There is two ways to fix this.

The first way is to slowly incorporate dominant-masculine behavior. Like I said, you can't just do all this stuff at once or she'll believe that you're acting butt-hurt and possibly dump you. You have to stand up to her slowly. Anything that makes you bend over backwards for her, like opening doors or agreeing with her on something ridiculous, you need to lay your word down. If she crosses a boundary, you tell her not to do it again. If she does, you threaten to leave. Also, you need to be the masculine male she first fell for. This means making decisions, having plans, not revolving around her, not being run over by her or anyone else, and basically what you were doing TO get her. This method can get risky as the sh*t tests may increase, which can result into arguments and such, but she will still be with you.

The second method is to declare a break. I have no idea how this will work considering you live with her, but by declaring a break you can essentially start over without actually dumping her. If you do this, you need to go ghost on her, this means do not contact or see her, until she contacts you. This can take longer than 2 weeks. If it gets to the 1 month point, contact her. At this point her interest should be refreshed. After you contact her, set up a date and display more masculine and dominant behavior from this point on or the same thing will happen. This method is risky, as you are essentially an AFC, because she may actually leave you. However you do have time to improve yourself during this "break" and display dominant-masculine behavior right off the bat.

Both of these have up's and down's, there is no for sure way to heal this situation. Next time, don't let it happen again!

 

[zekko]

Like others say, she has grown comfortable in the relationship. Different people have different sex drives, believe it or not. Maybe your girl's preference is to have sex once every two weeks. Since she's comfortable and running the show apparently, in this department, maybe she's settling in to her preferences.

Some girls realize that men tend to want it more often than they do, and they will often offer BJs, handjobs, or quickies to fill in the spaces and keep the guy from straying. Of course a lot of the time this goes out the window once the interest starts to wane, or they get too comfortable.

Sounds like your sex drives may be incompatable. If you're having trouble now, it's unlikely that it will get better in the future.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Don't give her an ultimatum because if she does give it up, it'll be out of obligation, not wanton lust.
Look up Rollo's blog on "you can't negotiate desire" and give yourself a clearer picture of the dynamics at play here.
You should also start distancing yourself a little bit.
Stay back at work late some nights, join a gym and start working out, go for beers with the boys. All seemingly innocent but what it does is takes you away from her.
She may start thinking you're cheating or looking to eject from the relationship and this could cause her to change her behaviour for the good.
But remember, this will only work if she's still interested in you. If she's already mentally dumped you, giving her this extra space will only convince her it's over.
Either way, at least you'll either have an answer or be rid of an unworthy woman.

 

[Alvafe]

serious I would drop her ass, GO NC does not work when you live together, and next time never let then move in with you unless you will marry her, and never marry a girl, or at least date her for 2 to 3 years.

only thing you should be asking yourself right now is where I should live next? or if its your place with your name on it, tell her to take her things and move out.

here is a thing I belive we should follow what reason you are in a ltr? to have sex with her, so if she can't provide this, a LTR will damper you from taking sex from other place, so why stay with her?

 

[SgtSplacker]

Next time the subject of the move comes up:

Yeah baby I wanted to talk to you about our plans to move. I'm really happy we are doing this together I just wanted to talk to you about where we are going to live. I think it would be best if we lived separately for a while. I'm starting to take this relationship for granted and I know you are an awesome girl and all, I just need to appreciate you more than I do right now. And you do not deserve a guy that's just not so into you. Maybe we moved in too soon? I dunno... So lets find two different places no more than 10 minutes away and lets do this the right way girl!

Do you see what I did there?

And let her live by herself with her headaches and bullshiit. If things don't change by the next gift giving opportunity, get her a (free) rescue cat and break up with her silly a$$.

How awesome is this solution!? you save your libido and a cat while ridding yourself of a dry woman.

Win, win, win!

You're making the world a better place!

 

[Echoes]

its over... she is having sex with other men....

What?
This is simply ridiculous.
How on Earth could you possibly know such a thing? You can't...don't pretend you can.

Women love sex and are always having hit but most of their sex will be with other men than their husband or BF

Another nearly baseless assertion.

you can stay in denial about what i am saying but its true ... when ever sex becomes a conversation or a begging situation the passion is dead and she is usually riding other ****s

Sigh....


OP don't listen to this garbage.

 

[abe0]

Thank God you are not married.....Time for her to move out cause things are not working out as planned and for you to get your Winnie wet somewhere else. You have allowed her to take control.....its time for you to make your move. Out the door.... Abe

 

[goldengoose]

Bro the only way to fix this is to make her feel you are getting sex from another woman.

There is NOTHING more powerful than an attraction of another woman. Anything you say, do, or talk about to your girlfriend to gain respect is NO comparison to another woman wanting you.

Make her feel? How about he does get sex from another woman? She sure as hell ain't givng him any.

She is giving him excuses for sex, chicks who make excuses NOT to have sex don't think too much of the man she is with. When sex is on her terms that is the beginning of the end. Soon there will be no sex at all. Instead of putting up with bvllsh1t, go out and get some new prospects where sex dosesn't become a hassle with bvllsh1t excuses. Many women out there to bang, only a chump sticks around to be manipulated and controlled and denied sex. Ain't no reason for that at all.

 

[Echoes]

I wonder what the OP is thinking....he has not shown his face since his original (and only) post.

Maybe he's just sitting back watching us melt-down...