Ex seems hesitant to meet up

[DnbHead]

Hey all,

So I usually just type questions into google and someone has asked something similar. A lot of the time I get brought to this forum and the answers always seem like they are from quite grounded people so I thought i'd sign up and ask something today.

I have this ex. I know, I know... I'm one in a million with ex girlfriend problems. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

We went out for three years and broke up in 2011, it was a nasty breakup because I was just way too immature at the time. I did all the wrong things like beg to get back and none of it worked. She eventually cut me off and we went our separate ways.

In 2013, she added me back to Facebook and we started talking again. She'd call me regularly late at night and we'd chat for hours. This went on for about a year and In this time I started to really like her again... right before I was about to tell her I was getting feelings for her again (Truly, they never really left... but I was good at hiding that), she ends up getting a boyfriend. I tell her I'd like to try again and she gives me the "I really like being friends!".

I realized what I had gotten myself into the last year by not being direct with her. I also knew I wasn't going to go down that path. So I told her friendship isn't what I wanted, and i deleted her from all social media and told her I still care about you, and won't stick around as a friend while you date some other guy because that's not what I want. I wish you all the best and if you change your mind, you know where to find me. I also added as a caveat, so there was zero confusion. ONLY CONTACT ME IF YOU'RE WILLING TO TRY AGAIN. I didn't say it like that, but it was basically blunt like that.

a year goes by and I get a fb message saying

"Remember when we drank under the stars that one night.
I've had quite the ride.
I miss you"

We talked for a bit, and I find out this guy she was with cheated on her. We talked a bit more and I ended the conversation with we should get together this weekend because I don't want to dither this time. She said she was broke because she had just gotten a bunch of new tattoos (Which she did, she showed me them) So i believed her.

A few weeks later, she asks if I'm going to a certain music festival and says i should come. I couldn't make it due to work, but again fire back with but how about next weekend we get together? You free?

She said she might be going to a friends party next weekend, and the weekend after that she has a wedding to attend. I just said alright. I haven't spoken to her since and that was like two weeks ago.

I kind of get the feeling she might be avoiding hanging out one on one. Because if she was interested in doing that, I feel like she would at least come back with a date that might work for her better. Both times I asked to hangout she didn't come back with a better date that works for her.

So I'm confused... I made it very clear not to talk to me again if she wasn't up for more than friends. She knows that's why i deleted her. Next time she talks to me I'm almost thinking about just being kind of cold and uninterested because I don't want to play these games, but i realize that in itself is a game. Maybe next time she talks to me I could ask her one more time when she is available?

A little advice? I feel like she's trying to work me into friends again... I know she's not completely against seeing me because she wanted me to come to that festival... but it seems like she's hesitant with one on one hangout.

Also I should note, we live a ferry away from each other. It takes two hours to get to each other... which isn't really that long, but if she were to come here and stay the night she'd need a hotel or, to stay at my place.

That is probably a big reason why she is hesitant as well.

 

[The Duke]

She see's you only as someone close that she can talk to. That's all she wants you for.

 

[Thorninmyside]

Sounds like you are the soft landing she uses between breakups. If you don't want to be friends and then you should ignore every message that isn't about coming to see you right now.

 

[soulforge]

You are the back up guy, she leans on you when she has nothing else going on.. then finds another guy to go and fuk..

You spent a year talking on the phone? Big mistake.. she was single again, you should have escalated and banged the chit out of her..

You let yourself get friend zoned..

Seriously man, how many years have you wasted chasing this chick..

Pull your big boy socks up now.. forget this woman.. and go find yourself a better relationship.

This is a wasted effort.

 

[sph21]

Man... You're just too desperate. Solve that first.

Once attraction is gone, it will not come back any more. It's all about respect. She lost that respect long ago. Nothing/ no one can help you to get her back. It's just the way it works. Accept it.

Don't be like a girl. A girl chats other girl over and over without taking the relationship to next level because that's all they want. They just want to be friends by just talking. I might confuse you by writing this paragraph because I'm not a native English speaker. The point is, by only talking with her, you'll only land in a friend zone island.

Stop over complicating this matter. You obviously don't know how attraction works.

You are thinking by your emotions and not your logics. By the way, emotions can't think. They're feelings. A feeling is something that you make to feel. It's all in your head. You're imagining things too much. That's why you can't forget her even after years of separation.

Once you're in a friend zone, there's no turning back from it. Do not believe anyone who says that he can reverse that.

Don't try to change her. You'll waste more time just to end up being hurt more.

 

[El Payaso]

You're an emotional tampon for her. At best a piece of tissue paper to wipe her arse anytime she's feeling down and needs a cheer up.

She's an ex for a reason. Forget about her and move on to a new girl.

 

[DnbHead]

I'm actually fine, I still have feelings for her, but i was at the point where I could take it or leave it ages ago. When I walked away before, I was completely fine with never talking to her ever again... apparently she wasn't okay with that.

So I'm basically cutting right to the point every time she speaks to me now. I don't see the harm in trying to get her to come out. If she said she was busy one more time, I'd most definitely erase her from my life again without an explanation this time. I'm more so wondering if that's just a bit harsh and jumping the gun a bit?

 

[Jifto]

I was completely fine with never talking to her ever again... apparently she wasn't okay with that.

Someone once told me that women will move mountains to be with you...if they want to be with you. She's doing the opposite. Frankly, she's using you as an airbag from this past relationship and the reason you haven't heard from her is because she's either back with the ex, or talking to someone else. This is NOT uncommon.

Its been 6 years man. What I'm about to say isn't being mean. It's just something we've all needed to hear in the past.

Move the f*ck on and save your dignity. She doesn't want to be with you. It's hard to be objective about yourself, and I have a feeling that you know that, that's why you posted. So reclaim your sac and find out about other women!

 

[CodeOfAtlas]

If you can take or leave her, the next time she reaches out to you, don't think about what to say... just speak your mind without hesitation. The only reason there is any confusion is because you're getting in your own way.

You'll probably sound like a total idiot, but this a very good skill to practice. If you don't care about failing, this is a good time to practice.

 

[Glassguy]

You told her you didn't want to talk as friends.....

The problem is, you keep talking as friends. You believe this time it will lead to more, it doesn't, you ignore her and then you repeat.

Your bark has no bite. You're walking away while still looking back.

This relationship has been dead for 6 yrs. Yet you still hold on to hope and she only comes back to see if you're still in the hook.....which you are....and she gets the ego boost she was after in between other men.

You asked her out one on one. If she REALLY wanted to see you, the party wouldn't be important and the wedding could be a date. Are you following me?

Bottom line: she tells you one thing, yet her actions do another.

She would take that ferry 6 hrs if she really wanted to see you. But she doesn't.

Take it from me, the best thing you can do is tell her when SHE contacts YOU is you've had a change of heart, started talking to someone else you're interested in, and delete her number.

Don't waste any more time on this one. Too many chicks out there to be getting your hopes up on this one again and again.

 

[Jifto]

You told her you didn't want to talk as friends.....

The problem is, you keep talking as friends. You believe this time it will lead to more, it doesn't, you ignore her and then you repeat.

Your bark has no bite. You're walking away while still looking back.

This relationship has been dead for 6 yrs. Yet you still hold on to hope and she only comes back to see if you're still in the hook.....which you are....and she gets the ego boost she was after in between other men.

You asked her out one on one. If she REALLY wanted to see you, the party wouldn't be important and the wedding could be a date. Are you following me?

Bottom line: she tells you one thing, yet her actions do another.

She would take that ferry 6 hrs if she really wanted to see you. But she doesn't.

Take it from me, the best thing you can do is tell her when SHE contacts YOU is you've had a change of heart, started talking to someone else you're interested in, and delete her number.

Don't waste any more time on this one. Too many chicks out there to be getting your hopes up on this one again and again.

Glassguy, as usual, has the correct response.

 

[DnbHead]

It's kind of funny how we get so caught up in the years we've known someone, that cutting them out feels wrong somehow. You guys are right though. I did it once and was fine with it. There's no point in repeating this process again with nothing changing. If she's not giving me what I want, she's gotta go.

 

[skinnyguy]

This is oneitis to the EXTREME.

You need to read this forum more often. This chick is low quality. Find a girl who won't toss you around and treat you like scum. Maybe you like trashy women like her?

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

You seem hung up over her when you met her 9 years ago. That's a long time. Part of that time was even spent no contact and friendzoned. I'd say to give her the finger and walk. She's already taken your pride away from you so many times already, do you not have self respect? Gotta hold onto your manliness. Never let a woman take that away from you. Ever.

 

[SmooveMooves]

Stop being desperate

I know this information isn't available everywhere but it's like modern men lack common sense. You talked to this chick on the phone for a year? She gets a boyfriend you tell her you want another chance. She uses you in between relationships and you're there everytime?

Do you think life is some highschool Romcom and eventually you'll get the girl and live happily ever after?

Newflash: THATS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS

Pathetic.

Do you have any self esteem? Any self respect. This chick has taken up 9 years of your life. You've never had another love interest since? Where's your GF? This chick probably thinks you live for her. Wake up. This relationship will never work.

You should have gave it up 6 years ago.

Move the fūck on. Wtf.

I'm being harsh because someone should have smacked you in the face a long time ago. I'm upset that you've allowed someone who didn't deserve it to consume so much of your life. Pursue other women.

 

[resilient]

@DnbHead, understand that when a girl/lady gives you a chance, that's your window. When your window of attraction chapter firmly closes, that's your cue to open the next chapter and resume reading. You can't go back retrospectively through those six years like pages in a book hoping to recreate the timeline in your favor. Sh!t happened. She moved on to other men.

Like others have said in this thread, have some self-respect and start focusing on yourself in looks, personality, and finances.

Once your SMV (sexual market value) goes up enough with hard work, you'll have more opportunities to hit up better offers.

This oneitis will be a distant trail gone cold when you stop focusing on her and begin focusing on yourself 100%.

Get out there. Live your life. Forgot this woman.

 

[Jifto]

Look at how you wrote that. This isn't semantics. "She has got to go". No man. You do. Stop thinking about her. Stop thinking about what she can / would / should do. Cut her out and live your life.

9 years a chump is better than 10 years a chump.

 

[Von]

I would think about this part: How many girls you sleep with or been in a LTR with since you meet her?

Think about that

Now, how many guys did she have since you broke up.. It's obvious everytime she called you... now the rebound guy which she never mentions, that ONS, that fling etc.

If her post-you lay count is above you... it obvious you need to reread the post here on your thread

 

[DnbHead]

This is oneitis to the EXTREME.

You need to read this forum more often. This chick is low quality. Find a girl who won't toss you around and treat you like scum. Maybe you like trashy women like her?

Stop being desperate

I know this information isn't available everywhere but it's like modern men lack common sense. You talked to this chick on the phone for a year? She gets a boyfriend you tell her you want another chance. She uses you in between relationships and you're there everytime?

Do you think life is some highschool Romcom and eventually you'll get the girl and live happily ever after?

Newflash: THATS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS

Pathetic.

Do you have any self esteem? Any self respect. This chick has taken up 9 years of your life. You've never had another love interest since? Where's your GF? This chick probably thinks you live for her. Wake up. This relationship will never work.

You should have gave it up 6 years ago.

Move the fūck on. Wtf.

I'm being harsh because someone should have smacked you in the face a long time ago. I'm upset that you've allowed someone who didn't deserve it to consume so much of your life. Pursue other women.

I've gone out with a few girls for a couple years since her. She's gone out with a couple guys. I never said i was waiting, and haven't been at all. As i said, I walked away, moved on and was happy, but she always trys to wedge her way back into my life. Not once have i contacted her first to "Catch up", I have too much pride for that.

But out of all my ex's, she's definitely the one that I entertain the idea of hanging out and seeing how things go. Plus she knows this time I have a very low tolerance for bull****.
She tried to talk to me today and i told her straight up I'm not interested in a platonic relationship, and to give me a call if she figures things out.

So i'll go back to living my life, and anything that isn't "hey, I wanna **** your brains out" will be ignored from this point on. I actually feel great about being brutally blunt with her.

Thanks for all the advice. Truly appreciated.

 

[nismo-4]

I've gone out with a few girls for a couple years since her. She's gone out with a couple guys. I never said i was waiting, and haven't been at all. As i said, I walked away, moved on and was happy, but she always trys to wedge her way back into my life. Not once have i contacted her first to "Catch up", I have too much pride for that.

But out of all my ex's, she's definitely the one that I entertain the idea of hanging out and seeing how things go. Plus she knows this time I have a very low tolerance for bull****.
She tried to talk to me today and i told her straight up I'm not interested in a platonic relationship, and to give me a call if she figures things out.

So i'll go back to living my life, and anything that isn't "hey, I wanna **** your brains out" will be ignored from this point on. I actually feel great about being brutally blunt with her.

Thanks for all the advice. Truly appreciated.

Never apologize for being brutally blunt.

Glad you realized that you were just the fall back friend.

Next time, when it's over, delete her from all platforms. Block her if you must.

Yeah, she cried for a while when you told her that. Until Tyrone called her up to destroy her vagina before cheating on her again.