Ex lied/cheated and no longer want to be friends...do i tell her or just act like it

[Heretolearn]

Hey guys,


Thread title should be: Ex lied/cheated and ***I*** no longer want to be 'friends'...do i tell her or just act like it


(Not sure how to edit though.)

Just venting. So you guys know the story. Broke up with girl, then snared me back saying she changed and was awesome but was just searching elsewhere. Once she found something she moved on which hit me as a MASSIVE shock as I had no idea.

Str8up posted about this situation happening when you take back an ex in http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=156488 and he was correct for my situation.

Anyway, so my ex says lets be friends. I say ok (as we have to see each other around dancing/small scene nowhere else). Plus we are in the same performance team (finishes this month I Hope thank God).

She blows up that I became friends with her ex and his gf since she broke it off with me saying how could I do that to her. I said it had nothing to do with her (he is an instructor also and I am helping teach in his classes). I said I am not and will not be friends/dance with his gf as I know it upsets her.

So she brings her new guy to training sessions and goes over to him constantly in front of me. We had a performance yesterday and he was backstage and they are now inseperable. SOOOOO frustrating and it makes me so angry as I really did not see what was happening until now.

All I wanted to do last night was send a text saying.

We are no longer friends. Please never contact me again. We will be polite at dancing but please stay away.

*she still asks me to dance and comes up to hug me and say hello...grrrrrrrrrrr


I did not send the text as i was angry/emotional and thought I would sleep on it.

So what do you guys recommend. The text or just start being cold when she says anything. I have to go away for the performance trip in 3 days meaning 4 nights in a hotel room next to these clowns. I so want karma to step in lol.

Worst is that this guy follows her around like a little slave/helper. It sort of rubs me because I always stood up for myself and refused to be her shadow. So seeing it is like the world saying 'see, you blew it. She is so special but you could not see it.'

Gah!


*and as for me, i know. You guys will say go get ****. THere are a fair few girls interested at dancing but I am not going to make the same mistake so I am avoiding doing anything in that scene.


I will apply myself to endeavours outside that scene though more (my apartment is looking AWESOME!)

So thanks, appreciate your thoughts/suggestions on what to do and the likely outcomes of scenarios eg. if I send the text versus if I do not.


At first I did not want to burn the bridge/make things harder at dancing because we would not be on good terms but man this is not the greatest situation either lol.

I see that I will reject her friendship either now (text) or later (when she tries to use me as a shoulder/fallback when having issues with new guy).

Or am I better just to not give her any energy/thoughts naturally and then not be there if she comes looking outside politeness in public?

Thanks

 

[Jitterbug]

Hah! I'm in a dance troupe as well and have seen a very similar drama unfold within our troupe. It's kinda harder to deal with as you still have to dance together, but you'll get used to it.

Don't send the TXT!!! Don't even say anything to her. Anything you say or write (especially the latter) will be passed around to everyone with the wrong context (supplied by her, of course) with the intention to damage your reputation as much as possible. Never give her that weapon!

Worst is that this guy follows her around like a little slave/helper. It sort of rubs me because I always stood up for myself and refused to be her shadow. So seeing it is like the world saying 'see, you blew it. She is so special but you could not see it.'

You're seeing it the wrong way! You broke up with her because she's not qualified to be with you, right? Now she's found herself a lesser guy. That's perfect for her and makes sense! I'd feel happy if I were you! If she somehow got herself a Don Juan, then it'd be OK for you to feel bad about yourself.

Imagine if she couldn't find anyone, she'd be all over you trying to sabotage your dates in order to try to get you back.

 

[decades]

here is what I wrote to you almost a month ago. Some minor details may be off but essentially you were with a BP woman, were dumped, and are still in contact, still being USED by her. I told you to go NO CONTACT but you didn't want to because you miss her too much. She still has a grip on you that you can't shake. Now you are starting more threads about her. You will continue to have drama and confusion and pain if you stay in contact. btw, this message I wrote was before you admitted you were with one.

Heretolearn...you were with a BP woman, like a lot us, you helped her, she dumped you, then she got married. And you are still in contact with her. And you are confused. You are still "hooked". I implore you to FORGET about this woman, delete her from your life, move on, and stop letting her get inside your head. You two are done. No you can't trust her. She is a liar. The guy she married is stuck with her now and you should feel relieved that you dodged a bullet. You are making a mistake by keeping in contact with her. A big one. She will wreck you.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Don't text her. That just prolongs the misery by starting a whole new drama. She won't accept it and respect your wishes---she'll act hurt and hound you about it incessantly, while telling/bragging to all her friends how much you hate her for dumping you.

Continue to be polite, but that's it. If she wants to make conversation, just act disinterested and then excuse yourself.

Girls love being friends with their ex's because that means that validation is only a phone call away, should the need arise. It's really just ego preservation, in case the next guy passes on her. Call it "Dumper's Insurance," not friendship. A friend is someone that will drop everything to help you.

Rest assured, you are going to be tested here. She is going to try to make you crack, either through jealousy or mixed signals. Don't give her any indication that your life is any worse off without her--not because you want to deprive her of the satisfaction, but just because this is the mindset you need to have going forward. You need to trust in the inevitable truth that six months down the line, you won't even remember having any emotional attachment to her at all.

Being a DJ is not really about reacting to situations--it's about setting up situations to work in your favor, and removing yourself from those that don't. Unfortunately, you can't remove yourself from this one because you deal with her on a regular basis.

You CAN ignore her, however. There are two ways to do this: The wrong way, in which you are consciously and deliberately avoiding her, and the right way, in which you strip her of any emotional significance she may have had. This is not easy at first, but until it becomes so, just make a conscious effort to look "through" her instead of at her. Ever talk to someone that thought themselves to be of much higher value than you? Ever notice how they seem to filter out your words and fix their attention elsewhere? That's what you should be doing. Not ignoring, just acting disinterested. Do this enough and the "fake it till you make it" effect actually works--you will start to believe that your value is much higher than hers. Then, your next challenge will be to turn her down when she starts becoming interested in you again...

 

[KontrollerX]

"So what do you guys recommend."

I suggest you listen to exactly what persistent exaction has said to you in this thread.

It will be painful to cut her out of your life but you must do it to heal as all these women ever bring with them is constant un-ending drama and pain and misery.

Pull the plug dude.

Save your life.

Stop making excuses for her and rationalizations and reasons to continue interacting with her.

Again I say to you...

Save your life.

Get her out of it.

P.S: With these sick sociopathic women your emotion is your greatest weakness as they feed off of the angry, happy, sad reactions etc that they can get out of you through their cruel provocations and manipulations, even getting you to just continue seemingly harmless interaction with them such as your continuing to talk to them is giving them the satisfaction of having manipulated and controlled you in some way. The only way to win with them is to go cold no contact and offer no emotional reaction to anything that they might try should they confront you in person or should you ever see them out in public with their new victim.

 

[Heretolearn]

Thanks guys. Some great responses.

Mixed though between call her on her junk verbally and just be indifferent. I think the latter accomplishes the former by action which is stronger.

I have not contacted her even though I was angry. I did not go to training tonight either as just thought it would break the cycle of her having power (no one to flaunt in front of lol).

So just chilling with the net and a movie. Will use a good night sleep to hit the gym with vigour tomorrow.

She owes me money but I will wait until after the performance trip then send a simple.

Hi,

Please transfer my $XXX immediately


(She says she transferred it but no records. Even went to the bank and they say it was not received.)


Some great replies guys. Really appreciate it and I am learning/improving this side of myself.

Tough though about other girls cause I guess I am thinking that is what got me into this mess in the first place lol Have girls interested in me at dancing but not going to do that. Will just lay low and see how things go. Apply myself more in other areas like career, home, fitness and friends at the moment

 

[Heretolearn]

here is what I wrote to you almost a month ago. Some minor details may be off but essentially you were with a BP woman, were dumped, and are still in contact, still being USED by her. I told you to go NO CONTACT but you didn't want to because you miss her too much. She still has a grip on you that you can't shake. Now you are starting more threads about her. You will continue to have drama and confusion and pain if you stay in contact. btw, this message I wrote was before you admitted you were with one.

Heretolearn...you were with a BP woman, like a lot us, you helped her, she dumped you, then she got married. And you are still in contact with her. And you are confused. You are still "hooked". I implore you to FORGET about this woman, delete her from your life, move on, and stop letting her get inside your head. You two are done. No you can't trust her. She is a liar. The guy she married is stuck with her now and you should feel relieved that you dodged a bullet. You are making a mistake by keeping in contact with her. A big one. She will wreck you.

Thanks. Sorry for the confusion but that is another girl. That is fine. This was the new girl.

I am learning and getting there though. Thanks

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Here to learn,
Like Jitterbug I was once also involved in a Dancing Promo team,there was a similar scene to yours enacted there,whatever drama these girls have is shared around...just be Civil and avoid her.

 

[S.S.N. 318]

Run as far as you can from this chick....Make her do the work...**** dat....

 

[Heretolearn]

yay for me. She just called (private number so no idea who it was).

She called about the money, I gave her my bank details, no chit chat. Then said thanks, bye and hung up.

Hurray. Nice of her to call up about the money though. Wonder if it was because i have not been at training so she could not have contact otherwise. Oh well, does not matter.

Thanks

 

[Mr. Me]

There's this tiny little detail I'm having trouble understanding about your story, Heretolearn. Let's see, your ex lied and cheated on you, but wants to be your friend. So, here's the bit I have trouble getting:

A friend is someone with a history of lying and betraying you?

Maybe it's me, but I don't think that qualifies a person to be a friend. I don't think that's what friends do to their friends. No, really.

It's probably more about she knows she has you around her finger and it pleases her to have you accommodate her and succumb to her wiles.

 

[Heretolearn]

There's this tiny little detail I'm having trouble understanding about your story, Heretolearn. Let's see, your ex lied and cheated on you, but wants to be your friend. So, here's the bit I have trouble getting:

A friend is someone with a history of lying and betraying you?

Maybe it's me, but I don't think that qualifies a person to be a friend. I don't think that's what friends do to their friends. No, really.

It's probably more about she knows she has you around her finger and it pleases her to have you accommodate her and succumb to her wiles.

I am not sure of her reasons (probably validation/justification lol) but it is best for both of us to be polite and cordial as we see each other at same workplace/scene (not my career before someone starts lol, more my hobby). That is my reason I want things to be cool but I got carried away with the friends thing... (usually go no contact, not friends)

I think 'friends' is ok (more just politeness) so clear boundaries need to be set. I allowed her to choose my friends (the girl she did not like) which was probably too much. (it would have been ok but for her flaunting her new guy in front of me lol which shows it is not equal/reciprocal respect).

So no more of that.

 

[jophil28]

yay for me. She just called (private number so no idea who it was).

She called about the money, I gave her my bank details, no chit chat. Then said thanks, bye and hung up.

Hurray. Nice of her to call up about the money though. Wonder if it was because i have not been at training so she could not have contact otherwise. Oh well, does not matter.

Thanks

Did you get the money this time ?

 

[Heretolearn]

Just checked, no money has come through yet again. Hmmm. Will leave it a couple of days. She said she did it whilst I was on the phone.

 

[jophil28]

Just checked, no money has come through yet again. Hmmm. Will leave it a couple of days. She said she did it whilst I was on the phone.

My gut says that she had no intention to wire the money. She contacted you to reconnect with you following your absence from class. SHe is testing to see if you are stiil "out there" and still willing to be cordial. WHy did you readily believe that she would send the money ? She is a liar and a cheater for gawds sake.. What is her word worth ?

AS long as she does NOT pay you she probably knows that she has some power over you and that you will be willing to talk to her. She can keep you dangling.
IF she pays you there is NO reason for her, or you, to say one more word and that is not what she wants . SHe wants you in the FZ to be called forward at a moments notice should her new crush get dumped or become too boring..

 

[Heretolearn]

Hope it works out. Ok what does your gut/experience tell you about what I should expect on this trip away. She has her friends/group/new guy. I have basically no one. We made hotel bookings ages ago when things were cool so I am in the room next to them I believe. (no way to change as everything else full)

I am planning on just going and meeting some new people to hang out with. I have a tiny part in the performance so still have to attend the rehearsals etc but do not have to hang with the crew backstage etc.

Planning on just going solo, dancing my butt off and only using the room for sleep. (only 4 hours a night anyway).

Any ideas on what to expect? Avoid? How to handle things if they arise?

Thanks

 

[Onlyliveonce]

Write the money off. Give her no reason to have any further contact with you. If she texts or calls to say she has the money or sent it, don't answer. If its in your account without any contact great. She's dead, figuratively.

 

[decades]

Hope it works out. Ok what does your gut/experience tell you about what I should expect on this trip away. She has her friends/group/new guy. I have basically no one. We made hotel bookings ages ago when things were cool so I am in the room next to them I believe. (no way to change as everything else full)

I am planning on just going and meeting some new people to hang out with. I have a tiny part in the performance so still have to attend the rehearsals etc but do not have to hang with the crew backstage etc.

Planning on just going solo, dancing my butt off and only using the room for sleep. (only 4 hours a night anyway).

Any ideas on what to expect? Avoid? How to handle things if they arise?

Thanks

let this be a lesson guys. when you break up with a lying scheming untrustworthy chick who simply wants to USE you, do not go on trips with her and if you do, please do not book the room next to her and her new boyfriend. Hotel room walls are notoriously thin and new couples are notoriously "Loud".


ps: try to get your room changed (if it's true you want to) or maybe swap with someone.

 

[Heretolearn]

let this be a lesson guys. when you break up with a lying scheming untrustworthy chick who simply wants to USE you, do not go on trips with her and if you do, please do not book the room next to her and her new boyfriend. Hotel room walls are notoriously thin and new couples are notoriously "Loud".

lol, who would be that silly. We were together when she booked the hotel and not like I knew this would happen otherwise I would have bailed on the relationship and/or the team. DEFINITELY the hotel.

Tried to change but no joy. My hope is to make some friends and just crash with them.

But yeah, there are many lessons for others in my posts hence why I post them

 

[decades]

I think 'friends' is ok (more just politeness) so clear boundaries need to be set. I allowed her to choose my friends (the girl she did not like) which was probably too much. (it would have been ok but for her flaunting her new guy in front of me lol which shows it is not equal/reciprocal respect).

So no more of that.

It doesn't seem like you are hearing us. Friends is NOT ok. Repeat NOT ok. What you can and should do is treat her like any other person you come in incidental contact with. Be polite, be cordial, and interact with at the bare minimum. You are heretolearn. If so then follow our advice.