Ex is pregnant...feeling the oneitis...

[Fixmylife]

Little off subject guys...I do appreciate the different perspective from sighsigh, so I'm also wondering what do you think I should do? Try to make contact but be friends?

I've been tempted, I'm just tired of being treated like garbage, and a deadbeat.

 

[JohnChops]

Little off subject guys...I do appreciate the different perspective from sighsigh, so I'm also wondering what do you think I should do? Try to make contact but be friends?

I've been tempted, I'm just tired of being treated like garbage, and a deadbeat.

I know your in a tough place right.now I think the best thing you can do is get an possible thought that the baby is yours out of your head. Head to the gym, get a good job and stay focused on self.improvement . Don't even fvck with any girls either. Improve yourself and forget this girl. If she contacts you then fine if not then fvck her. When the kid is born tell.her you want a paternaty test asap. Don't sign anything without reading it and you'll be fine brotha! On a side note...
. Alexdp and Neil should just bang and get that tension out of posts that need attention

 

[perseverance]

the baby probably isnt yours, there is another guy involved somewhere

It's best to get a DNA test to make sure, before jumping to assumptions.

 

[Down Low]

First off all, she soured, shut off all relations, changed her number and then her mother threatened a restraining order...(with no just cause...)

She plans to keep it, but how am I supposed to find out if it's mine if it doesn't get born until March? I'm pretty set on the fact that she broke up with me because she has doubts that it's mine, or that she had someone else to date(which is also a deal breaker for me.) She cut me off because I apparently wasn't being a very supportive "boyfriend" after she broke up with me. Closure would be awesome...

Read this: Dilemma: Getting Closure?

 

[Fixmylife]

"She cut me off because I apparently wasn't being a very supportive "boyfriend" after she broke up with me. Closure would be awesome..."

So, she breaks up with YOU, then wants YOU to be supportive?

Talk about living in a f55king dream world.

RUN from this situation as far and fast as you can. She may seek you out for Child Support....THEN you demand the DNA test. If it is yours? Pay your share to raise the child. And take things from there. In the meantime, pretend she doesn't exist. She is going to mess up your head and life big time, I can see it coming...

Yeah, she has been crazy and contradicting herself like that...we had sex after she broke it off, and apparently I "used her", then after I said she came on to me...I "didn't even want her anymore."

I have been doing a lot better, as far as emotionally, but I'm still not able to get it out of my head. I work a physical job full time, so I have a lot of time to think. I haven't been to school in two weeks and I feel like I'm rolling backwards...my cars a mess and my motivation to be social is shot...

But I still haven't tried to talk to her in any way, the nice, responsible guy in me wants to try and make amends. But the sensible/jerk in me says **** her and her whole screwed up family...

I am definitely happier now than I was the last few months with her...and I have to assume things will get better...

 

[Fixmylife]

Just for an update/bump...

Still no contact, but my mother has heard some things, that the baby is a girl and she moved out of her parents house. She was supposed to let me know the sex of the child but she hasn't yet, so that got me down. I think things are gonna get better, but then I always hit a new low. I haven't met anyone new, and I got depressed about missing the ultrasounds and not being allowed to be part of it. Even if she's not sure, it still could be mine...it's just sick, absolutely terrible the way these people are. I try to forgive but I'm so full of anger. I've completely fallen of the self improvement wagon also.

Sorry for *****ing...it just sucks is all.

I have been playing my guitar a lot, and learning how to sing some songs...so I guess that's good.

 

[Fixmylife]

I think I have decided to try and make contact. I read some custody laws, and if she doesn't reply then I can use that against her in court. I already have plenty against her, and while it might sound spiteful, actions like this from her and her parents are sick, and unforgivable.

I'm actually considering full custody, as I don't believe the child living with her would be safe.

So if anybody has a way I should contact her, I would like some help. She has moved, changed her number, has no Facebook and her parents aren't really an option. She probably still owns the same car, and works at the same place.

Thanks guys, all opinions are welcome.

 

[Fixmylife]

Sorry if I made it seem otherwise, but the child will not be born until march. I appreciate the advice though. I do not have her email, the only ways I can see to contact her would be through her parents or somehow at her work.

Also, she had an alcohol charge and two cases of substance abuse (pills). She tried to kill herself and I worry she may harm the child.

Thanks for the tips though, helpful for sure!

 

[TheWolfMan]

Please get a DNA test man, I mean I know that you already assume the child is yours and everything but I would hate to see you taking care of a kid for 18 years when it's not yours. Not trying to bring you down, but do you know for a fact that the baby is yours? Not sure why the mother would do that to the father if she believed that he actually was the father. I mean think about it, would she really push you away if she felt you were the father? Probably not, she would want you to help and support her.

 

[YOUR BORING LIFE]

So here's the deal guys...I dated a girl for nine months, she got pregnant, and about a month later broke up with me...we talked for a while after that, then I apparently wasn't giving her enough attention and she changed her number and her parents are treating me like a stalker because I called their house like twice...it's been almost a month of no contact. She cut me off, then sent a message to one of my friends from a fake Facebook saying that I was a jerk and didn't want anything to do with my baby(all a month ago, the last day we talked).

I am having a lot of trouble moving on, I registered for school, have been working out and generally improving myself, but I can't stop thinking about this.

I've read a little on the Internet and they basically say its hormones and to just find a way to put up with it and be a total wuss...do everything she wants and don't care at all about yourself. I'm wondering what your guys opinion on it is...it seems like her family is just full of terrible people and all she's trying to do is hurt me.

And don't even contemplate about re-entering this woman's life. She already sounds crazier than a crackhouse rat.

Sorry it's a little long. I think I probably just need encouragement to continue no contact. Has anyone been in a situation like this before?

Edit: I didnt mention this, but I do plan to be a part of the Childs life, im talking about moving on from her.

You need to protect yourself and your assets immediately. If she is claiming the child is yours, you need to get a paternity test administered as soon as possible. Depending on where you live, she could easily have you paying for child support before you even comprehend the rug was swept right out from under your feet, even if the child isn't even yours!

 

[Fixmylife]

I now I will get some flak for this, but I feel I should contact her, bradd said I owe it to the child to at least try, and it's basically all I can think about. I figured out that she works at the same place(I did a drive by), and I was thinking I could leave a note on her car. My mom is saying send flowers, but I think that's weird. I just know that I would feel better and could move on knowing that I had at least tried. 3 months seems like a reasonable period for no contact, and as I will have to deal with her at some point, I feel sooner is better than later, and its just been growing on me and getting worse and worse. Things like "don't think about it" and "convince yourself its not yours," just aren't doing it for me any more. There's really no way to ignore it. It hurts like hell and I go through it in my head over and over.
I just want to know what's going on, ya know? I also feel cheated, and feel I don't deserve the treatment I've received. I want to man up and not be controlled by them any more.
Any ideas?

 

[sozzz]

FIXMYLIFE

To me, you sound like you need assurance that the child is 100% yours. Which is why you can't function properly throughout the day without the "Is the child mine or not mentality?". Atleast thats what I'm seeing so far, unless you said somewhere that the child in fact yours, then forget what I say.

From what you said how her mom and her treat you due to lack of attention from your part. If I was in your situation, this is what I would do. I'd go over and ask 5 minutes of the whole family to sit down. When they all sit down and listen. Get on your knees and apolgize for not being attentive to her needs and made her family worried and hate you. Tell them if they could give you a 2nd chance and you don't want the child to grow up without a dad figure.

But it's fishy how a mother of the child and her family would treat the father of the child like this.. hmm. I'm not close to you guys, so I don't know. It's either you hiding something you did wrong in the past and not telling us or her and her family just out to get you for the child support, while she goes find another dude.

Child not yours
For now i'm going to assume you don't know whether the child is yours or not. From what you say about her family being evil to you, then I'd get all them emails and demand them tests asap just for precautions. If the child is not yours, then carry on with your life.

Child is yours
If the child is yours. Then act like any father would do for his/her child. Forget about her family. Take care of her and the child. No matter how much you hate her, the child is the number priority and then her. She is the mother when its all said and done. No kid wants to grow up and ask "mommy, where's daddy"? That kid will have tough times growing up, without a daddy figure in his or her life. Same goes for not having a mother.

I'm getting old now, atleast to me. I have thought about this sh*t plenty of time. What if one day I got girl or ex or random pregnant, what would I do? The above is what I would do, unless some stupid sh*t happens like the child aint mind but she goes and say its mine, then I'ma drop the hammer on the dude and her lol. Just saying.
That's all I got for now. Good luck.

 

[Fixmylife]

Not really what it's about. I'd like her to tell me if there is a chance its not mine, which likely will not happen. But the dates line up really well, and I had nothing but suspicion that it isn't, due to her actions. I'm really just wanting to make it right in some way, at least in my head to know that i tried. It's what the child deserves and frankly what I deserve.

At this point I'm looking for suggestions on how to make contact, because I've made that decision. Even suggestions to get her back, if necessary. By making contact with only her. Thanks.

 

[Down Low]

Fixmylife, I'm not going to give you flak because you haven't done anything to deserve it. And because you're already beating yourself up when you didn't do a damn thing wrong.

You should be more than a little suspicious of circumstances where you don't get to see the ultrasound, or where you don't get a close, day-by-day inspection of her body and pregnancy symptoms so you could date it.

It's not like she couldn't have gotten an abortion at the drop of a hat. She still can. Lots of states allow abortion on a doctor's say-so that the pregnancy is dangerous to the [even mental] health of the mother. Planned Parenthood loves to kill babies. By now she should have heard it from her girlfriends. You have absolutely no say in the matter. She's carrying the child because she wants to. Not because of anything you said or did. To her, you're just one of her "sperm donors."

Yeah, it's like that.

Get on your knees and apolgize for not being attentive to her needs and made her family worried and hate you. . . . It's either you hiding something you did wrong in the past and not telling us or her and her family just out to get you for the child support, while she goes find another dude.

I can't support this. You're saying that we DJs should either:

(1)(a) shame the OP into begging for forgiveness because, if he's being treated badly by women, there must be a good reason for it,

or

(1)(b) shame the OP into begging for forgiveness because she's a gold-digging tramp just like her mom,

and, in either case, we should

(2) shame the OP into begging for forgiveness since she and her mom ran him off and thus made it impossible for him to attend to her.

If the child is yours. . . . Take care of her

She wants no part of him. This is excruciatingly clear. But you want him to not only pay alimony just as if they had been married for years -- you also want him to be a household servant and personal whipping boy for an extremely abusive, cheating b1tch who utterly ignores the OP's needs, and also be a brown nose to her equally abusive mother, for the next 18 years. You want him to endure a living hell, day after day, year after year, with a family who hates him and is just using him.

sozzz, what kind of monster are you? Are you trying to convince the OP to commit suicide?

I'm getting old now, atleast to me. I have thought about this sh*t plenty of time. What if one day I got girl or ex or random pregnant, what would I do?

I see. You're "old" but you never got a girl pregnant, never went through abortions, miscarriages, pregnancies, or raised children. I'm guessing that you never lived for years with an abusive woman either.

sozzz, your advice isn't based on anything but your personal masturbations. So in turn, I'm going to give you the most appropriate advice I can think of:

jack off

 

[sozzz]

Down Low
I can't support this. You're saying that we DJs should either:

(1)(a) shame the OP into begging for forgiveness because, if he's being treated badly by women, there must be a good reason for it,

or

(1)(b) shame the OP into begging for forgiveness because she's a gold-digging tramp just like her mom,

and, in either case, we should

(2) shame the OP into begging for forgiveness since she and her mom ran him off and thus made it impossible for him to attend to her.

I said it's something I'd do If it was me. I didn't say go do that. Another thing, the girl's family didn't just kick him to the curb for no reason. He even said he wasn't attentive and other stuff while they were together, and her family hates him. Put yourself in the mother's shoe. How would you feel if some dude wasn't attentive to your daughter and other stuff and then go and get your daughter pregnant then break up... You think as a mom or dad can like the dude?

I'm sure he's a good dude, but he gotta show it to the family, not just her. If they don't wanna see him or w/e, he gotta find a way to find out if the baby is his or not. Otherwise, he'll keep whining.



She wants no part of him. This is excruciatingly clear. But you want him to not only pay alimony just as if they had been married for years -- you also want him to be a household servant and personal whipping boy for an extremely abusive, cheating b1tch who utterly ignores the OP's needs, and also be a brown nose to her equally abusive mother, for the next 18 years. You want him to endure a living hell, day after day, year after year, with a family who hates him and is just using him.

sozzz, what kind of monster are you? Are you trying to convince the OP to commit suicide?

What's all this gibber jabber you spitting out man lol? Read the above, to answer your question. If the baby aint his then drop the hammer on her and the family. If it is, then beg to have 5 minutes or something. Then he's on his own from there. No kid wanna live without a father. That's WHAT I WOULD DO. I repeat, THATS WHAT I WOULD DO!! I aint telling him to do that, but thats just me.

I see. You're "old" but you never got a girl pregnant, never went through abortions, miscarriages, pregnancies, or raised children. I'm guessing that you never lived for years with an abusive woman either.

sozzz, your advice isn't based on anything but your personal masturbations. So in turn, I'm going to give you the most appropriate advice I can think of:

Nah never have and never will. You know why? Cuz I aint dumb enough to put myself in that situation. I know when to get out when I have the chance. I'm assuming you have? To each his own. I'm not that desperate in getting it in with anything walking. I just cheated on my ex who many guys considered 7-8+. Why? Cuz she tries to boss me around, yelling and screaming all the time. If I had stayed and got her pregnant, then I'll be in too deep. So what did I do? I gave her the boot. A lot of guys won't do that cuz no matter how abusive/b*tchy a girl is cuz they afraid they won't find another one that's so called a 10 in their book, so they put up with the girl's attitude, in the long run you get all sorts of problems just like you mentioned because they didn't leave soon enough, abortions, miscarriages, pregnancies, or raised children. My rules, a girl has to be 7+ for me to consider. Even then, if she has the b*tchy/controlling/abusive w/e you call it, then I give her the boot. I don't care if she's a 10 or 20.

 

[AAAgent]

do not try to make contact and be friends.

It will be tough and it will suck but remember going no contact means just that, no contact. It's not easy doing the right thing, but it almost always makes you a better person. Going no contact will teach you to control you emotions and not let them run your life. You need to think rationally on this subject. Is this really the right time to be contacting her?

If you reach out to her now during this turmoil she will only lash back out at you and make you look bad to her family anyway. If you're really worried about the kid being yours, its not too late to reach out a couple of months from now once the smoke has cleared to let her know that if the kid is yours, you'd like to help.

Always take a step back to lets things smooth out and get a clear/big picture.

 

[Fixmylife]

do not try to make contact and be friends.

I notice you say "going no contact." that's been the situation for 3 months. I feel it is the right thing to do, as I will have a form of closure, in that I can plan my life and decide to get with an attorney sooner than later depending on the outcome. Thinking from her perspective, I really acted like I didn't care, in an effort to get her to calm down and take me back or at least work with me. She said she was going to change her number, then I said "go ahead if you're going to be like this." I made it easy for her family to act like it was my fault, and they will continue until I make some effort. What's the worse she could do to me really? "I'm dating someone else." "I'm calling the police." or she could not answer at all. Either way, I'll get my answer. Viewing her from a point of anger and resentment is getting me no where. And holding a grudge against her and her family will just eat away at me.

Emotionally, ever since I made a decision to take charge and do something, I've been feeling better just about that. I just want to go about it in a manly and donjuanish way, and that's really what this whole discussion is about. How to be a don Juan and control the emotional side, so I can get back to what's practical and improving my life. At first it was about ignoring her, but now, I think it's a necessary evil to make things right in my own head. I was raised in a religious family though, so "making things right" may just be brainwashed in to me.

But at some points it has felt like life and death to me. Also she is suicidal, or has been in the past for attention, and her parents feel they are right and protecting her from an evil abusive stalker. I think I've proved I'm no stalker at this point. It was 3 months before I was even within the same area of her city, and just to know if she still worked in the same place, which is stalkerish, but I had to know.

 

[AAAgent]

closure is a new-age term made up by women who want to talk it out after it's already over. Are you a woman?

I'm pretty sure manning up and going no contact doesn't mean reconnecting with a girl who you've ended things with. Obviously giving in to your emotions will make you feel better and that's why your thinking talking to her will make everything okay. Did it work out the first time? No.

Sort yourself out first. If you really want to take care of this kid that might be yours, put yourself in a position where you can actually contribute to this kids life, emotionally and financially. Good things never come easy and going no contact is not easy.

I instituted no contact for a full week and my ex came crawling back and she already had a new BF at the time. Turns out the same night she crawled back to me, she went crawling back into bf's bed who she was supposedly supposed to break-up with. I called that night only to have her bf answer the phone knowing full well she was sleeping next to him.

She told me she was pregnant
She approached me multiple times after that incident
Wrote me emails, called me, left me notes, etc.
Almost scared the **** out a girl i was walking with by busting a uturn in oncoming traffic.

going no contact is the only control you have over your life and puts the power in your hands. It allows you to fully recover and realize the sh1t fest you were in before, but most of all, no contact allows you to move on.

You are clearly no emotionally over her yet judging by how you try to justify multiple different reason that you "Need" and "Should" contact her. There is absolutely no reason that justifye's you contacting her. She already told you to stay out of her life, if she wants you in it, she will let you know.

man up and stay strong. Doing the right thing isn't always easy.

 

[Fixmylife]

This is no contact...3 months. It's also not about her, it's about the baby (confirmed pregnant for 6-8 weeks while we were still together, I saw the first ultrasound.) also she never said stay out, it was her parents, who should have just butt out of the whole situation.

You do make a good point in that she should've contacted me by now if she wanted to, but she could be scared, she could be waiting for me to make the first move. I am being convinced in your direction bit by bit, but I feel you are oversimplifying it.

She's not just an ex girlfriend, she is the probably mother of my child and I will have to deal with her at some point, No Matter What.

I suppose I could view her as merely a vessel for my child, and an empty ruined vessel when it's over, but I'm not that cold hearted yet.

I'm no longer picturing a happy reunion and eventual marriage, I just know this is going to suck, and I want to make it suck as little as possible.

 

[AAAgent]

I am not oversimplifying it. No contact means just that. In this day and age, the women have all the power. If she wants you to stay out of her life and the child's it will most likely happen anyway. It's better to play it safe now and get your act together so that when you do present yourself as a provider, you can readily provide. She hasn't even had the child yet so your not obligated to do anything.

You can read all the threads about how the guy went back to the girl and all of them will end with a bad ending. All the ones with no contact end with the guy living a better life. you get the picture.

You have plenty of time if you do want to make contact after child birth.