Ex-Girlfriend

[Don Legend]

Hello, i need some advice on my ex-girlfriend. We went out for 9months and the relationship was pretty good between us. For the first 3months, however her ex-boyfriend was a pest, contacting her all the time. Anyways i split up saying i wasn't going to put up with it anymore. We got back together as she agreed to break the contact of with him and not see him one on one. Things were great, but after 9months on our last day of holiday we had a tiff which ended up with her saying that she wanted to be able to see her ex for 20minutes just to catch up every now and again. We didn't sort it out and i split up with her over it, we met up a few weeks later to sort it out but she wouldn't back down on it and we didn't get back together. We tried a couple more times, but eventually she said she didn't feel the same for me, and seems to have been dating someone else and wanted to be friends. since then ive gone into no contact for a month, kept myself busy but still think about her lots. I don't think she wanted her ex back, just wondering if i was right to split up with her or if i should have been more secure in myself? and if i should try and be friends with her and see where it goes? Cheers.

 

[Desdinova]

If you were just dating her, I don't think it would be a big deal. However, you were in a LTR with her and she should've cut all contact with him. Nobody needs to have their woman's ex hanging around them.

Don't worry about your thoughts and feelings about her. They'll fade with time.

 

[biker_gixxer]

I agree with Desdinova.

 

[Cremasta]

Seeing an ex once in a while is ok, every couple months is about my limit, yours might be different ... and only if it isn't at the expense of seeing you.

I don't think it's reasonable to say to someone "That's it! You can never see them again." If their breakup was amicable, then they are probably still mates and he has definitely been put in the friendzone. As long as she knows where the priorities are.

Cheers

 

[Don Legend]

We're both at uni, so she would have only been able to see him during the holidays. They were in the same group so i said i was happy for them to see each other in this case but not on a one on one. She wanted to be able to go round his house and catch up or go out for a coffee. The first time i split with her was because she went to the cinema with him. He contacted her now and then and i was easy going with it and didn't mind her replying, i was just uncomfortable with her seeing him one on one. Do you think thats fair? Should i carry on the way i am or try and make some contact? Do you think i've over reacted?

Thanks for the replies.

 

[Desdinova]

Again, I don't think you over-reacted at all. It's fine if she runs into him somewhere, but trying to carry on a friendship is only going to make things messy. If he still has feelings for her, he's going to c0ckblock you.

I usually take on the attitude of "she'll make her choice". If she's spending time alone with her ex, doing activities with him, then she's made her choice. She should be doing those things with you if she's in a LTR with you.

 

[check_mate_kid_uk]

well if she is friend with her ex, then you can treat her seeing him like oyu would with any other guy freind of hers, obviously she used to be with him so you need to trust her. If you do not let her she will think you are insecure, this is probably why she stoped liking you.

 

[Don Legend]

It had been a year since they split up but this guy wanted to marry her, he was very AFC afterwards as well, he had got a new girlfriend but i think they split up, everytime he came back to where she lives he was texting her to meet up with her before he'd even got back. I don't believe he just wants to be friends, thats why i'm uncomfortable with it. Thing is though i dont think she wants to get back with him, thats what i can't understand, surely its not worth losing a relationship over a bit of contact with her ex? Thats the thing about all of this is that i can't work out if i should have been more secure or i was right as its a bit of a **** test by her and a respect issue? I mean she can't have her cake and eat it to? I have given it thought and think maybe i should have trusted her more, but i don't think there's a lot i can do now.

 

[NewMan]

You did what you did - and you stuck up for what's right in your mind.

Never mind anything else.

In yrs to come - perhaps your thoughts will change.

But right now you have an issue with your girl hanging with her ex. It's all good. Move the fvck on. Her loss.

Women forever want to be friends with everyone - keep everyone happy blah blah. It doesn't work. Whatever you do don't remain friends with the chick so she can add you to her long line of emotional tampons.

 

[check_mate_kid_uk]

Originally posted by Don Legend
It had been a year since they split up but this guy wanted to marry her, he was very AFC afterwards as well, he had got a new girlfriend but i think they split up, everytime he came back to where she lives he was texting her to meet up with her before he'd even got back. I don't believe he just wants to be friends, thats why i'm uncomfortable with it. Thing is though i dont think she wants to get back with him, thats what i can't understand, surely its not worth losing a relationship over a bit of contact with her ex? Thats the thing about all of this is that i can't work out if i should have been more secure or i was right as its a bit of a **** test by her and a respect issue? I mean she can't have her cake and eat it to? I have given it thought and think maybe i should have trusted her more, but i don't think there's a lot i can do now.

she ended the relationship not because she wnated to see him so much but due to the principal behind it, and your insecurity.

 

[pimpin' reloaded>>]

Originally posted by Don Legend
We're both at uni, so she would have only been able to see him during the holidays. They were in the same group so i said i was happy for them to see each other in this case but not on a one on one. She wanted to be able to go round his house and catch up or go out for a coffee. The first time i split with her was because she went to the cinema with him. He contacted her now and then and i was easy going with it and didn't mind her replying, i was just uncomfortable with her seeing him one on one. Do you think thats fair? Should i carry on the way i am or try and make some contact? Do you think i've over reacted?

Thanks for the replies.

\


ok dude..yu were in love and i admire you for it..but you got played!!..this is where we come in as don juans...its about time you smiled at her while doin yo thing openly...what am sayin is maintain contact but lose the love...a mean she needs to pay..chances are she will saunter back to yo arms when yu show her yu moved on..flirt openly with other birds especially when she is in the area but be careful not to over do it..a case in point was i passed thru same **** but a did it in a different way...a got homegals who care lots..so i picked one gave her the story and she like pulls a fast one creating a scene of mad love when we waz in the vicinity....a waz surprised but that **** worked like a charm...same evenin a get a call from her...2 dayz later i do my thing...6hrs later i bounce claimin a aint in love with her anymore....point is i still feel good about ma self...

 

[Don Legend]

Well at the moment i know i have to become indifferent to the situation but my feelings are taking their time to catch up. I've pulled a couple of girls (which probably would have gone through the grapevine) since but its not quite the same, perhaps i have a slight oneitis at the mo. The whole situation has rattled my djing though, but ive been working hard to get that together again. If i do contact her, what do u think i should say? I mean i've cut all ties, (msn as well) and when we were trying to sort things out when i txt her questions like how r u? she didn't answer them and sent a cold replys, so im a little aprehensive in contacting her. plus she might not reply at all, which wouldn't be good. I have seen her in passing a few time, we've said hi but the last time she avoided saying hi to me, as if she was nervous in seeing me. Plus i'm not entirely sure my feelings are in check so that they don't cloud my judgement and i dont want her to think that im contacting her cus im still interested. The last contact we had she asked to be friends at some point, to which i apologised for a few things and said that i just wanted to move forward and that i was happy and sure she was too. Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts.

 

[Rogerman]

Oh my god man, im in the same track with you. EXACTLY.

I broke up with my gf today because her bf keeps contacting her , and her accepting it with a great smile. Well, I aint accepting any ****. I dont give a rat's ass if he's only want to "catch up" , i made her clear to have a choice , either him or me. Me was the obvious answer but I wasn't satisfied with her honesty, as I been through all this **** with other girls too. So I broke it, right there.


I might be wrong. But I feel right and thats my way.

 

[Desdinova]

First of all, if you've cut the ties with her, there was a reason. She was doing things with her ex that she should have been doing with you. You can be confident when you tell her to quit seeing her ex. If your mind is focused on her cheating on you with him, you're going to be insecure. If your mind is focused on her not evolving with her life, you'll be confident. He's part of her dating history, he should stay there.

we've said hi but the last time she avoided saying hi to me, as if she was nervous in seeing me.

Always be friendly when running into your ex. If she had the upper hand in the relationship, she'll be noticeably nervous when you take charge, say hi, and be friendly to her, but at the same time not want her back. She'll be shaken by being in the presence of a guy who has transformed into a man.

 

[Don Legend]

Hey Rogerman, it sucks doesn't it! How long had you been going out with her? Are you friends now or have you cut contact? Most of the time when i have seen her i've said hi but a few times i just walk on by. Does anyone think this is possible to turn around, i.e contacting her in a general way or should i stay out of contact, cut my losses and take it as an experience and get her out of my system?

 

[squirrels]

Well if you're gonna play hardball, you should be prepared for the pain.

You can't say "If you want to stay with me, you need to stop seeing him altogether" and then when she keeps seeing him, try to compromise or talk your way out of it.

Then she'll be thinking, "When he takes a stand, it doesn't mean SH!T because he doesn't back it up."

See the danger of issuing ultimatums? Not that there's anything wrong with it, but when it comes down to it, you can't be like a mall cop, yelling, "Stop! Or I'll yell 'stop' again!"

If she HAS to see her ex-bf and you don't trust her to be mature enough to keep it on a platonic level, then you were right to DUMP her azz.

Whether you want to be friends with her after the fact is up to you. Are YOU getting anything out of being friends with her? Is she the kind of person you WANT to be friends with?? Or are you just trying to find an excuse to keep hanging around until you get another shot at her? (which won't come, BTW, unless she's flakier than a Head-n-Shoulders commercial)

 

[Don Legend]

The arguement we had was at the end of the summer, just before uni, so she wouldn't have been able to see him anyway, not until xmas at least. She hadn't seen him one on one as she agreed 3 months into the relationship. We split up becasue she wanted to be able to see him one on one and at the time i saw that as a red flag. Now i'm wondering if its to do with me being insecure, i mean i think she would have kept it platonic. I just don't think it was much to give up on her part to stay together, i mean it wasn't like she couldn't see him at all or anything. I would like to be friends but i think its pretty difficult if you still have feelings for them. I guess i would like another shot, but i don't want to come of as a AFC. Thats why i was just thinking of trying to open the lines of communication up and see what happens. Maybe i should just play it by ear and do what seems right. I guess the general consensus is i'm in a no win situation.

 

[NewMan]

***
We split up becasue she wanted to be able to see him one on one and at the time i saw that as a red flag. Now i'm wondering if its to do with me being insecure, i mean i think she would have kept it platonic. I just don't think it was much to give up on her part to stay together, i mean it wasn't like she couldn't see him at all or anything. I would like to be friends but i think its pretty difficult if you still have feelings for them. I guess i would like another shot, but i don't want to come of as a AFC. Thats why i was just thinking of trying to open the lines of communication up and see what happens. Maybe i should just play it by ear and do what seems right. I guess the general consensus is i'm in a no win situation.
***


There you go again.

You think anything is going to change?

Do you think your feelings on the matter will suddenly do a 180 degree turn?

I've got news for you, they will not.

The same sh#t will happen again and again. You will make issue of it - either with upfront remarks or by being passive agressive with her. You will argue - but she will see her ex.

She's already told you she wants to see her ex. That she choose's being able to see him one on one a couple times a year over being with you.

So why do you keep putting yourself through this?

You do not want this. You don't want to deal with it - and you shouldn't have to if you don't want to.

So move on.

Go back now and she will walk all over you.

You've told her what you want - don't change your mind now - she will loose all respect for you.

Move on. If this is to be rekindled - she will have to choose YOU.

 

[Don Legend]

Thanks New man, after reading your post its all become a lot simplier. I've been thinking about this today and i've decided to carry on the way i am and move on. I'm starting to feel a lot better about the whole situation. Thanks for all the post guys.